Should a deadbeat dad be invited to a college graduation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As others have said, it’s up to your son. If you don’t feel like inviting him, fine. But if your son, who is presumably 21/22 and an adult, wants to invite him that is out of your hands.

Don’t start using the “I paid for it all alone” line with him now. You did it because you wanted to, right? Not to hang over his head for the rest of his life that he owes it to you to never talk to his dad, right?

Look your ex sounds like a loser. But stay on the high road. You’ve made it this far.

This post is right. Lady, you sound like you're looking for a fight. Aren't you happy that you paid for college for your son? Why are you going to launch your son's adulthood with a motherly guilt trip? You're going to ruin his graduation, his accomplishment. Because you're so obsessed with making sure your ex husband (and father of your child) doesn't receive any false credit. YOU need to grow up, OP.

He is not my ex husband. Sorry, I mistyped in an earlier post.

And I married long after he was a deadbeat dad. Marrying my husband had nothing to do with his absence and lack of child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

Your poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son gets to decide this

+1. As the adult child of a deadbeat dad it was a no for me, dawg. But different people make different choices. Just support your son's choice and avoid drama.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you understand what you have paid for. You paid for his college education. You didn’t buy his soul. And you didn’t do the work to graduate, he did.

You were the one who messed up by having a kid with this man. You have to bear the consequences, one of which is that you may have to put up with him appearing occasionally at events, like weddings, that he didn’t pay for and by rights shouldn’t be attending. If you don’t like it, you should have kept your legs closed, or taken precautions, 22 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

I agree with you, but most on here don't because they have no skin in the game.
Financially or emotionally.
I get where you are coming from 100%, no need to apologize for it either.
Congrats to you. It is your achievement too.
When my mom single-handedly raised me and I graduated from college, I told her that this degree was "our" degree and achievement!
I hung it in her den. It was the best way I could think of to thank her.
Man here btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the kid wants him there.

Most 22 year old kids are pushovers, including my son. Weasel deadbeat dad will randomly ask him when it is and invite himself, knowing my son doesn't have the backbone to tell him he doesn't want him and his wife there. Or knowing he wouldn't have the backbone to tell him why it's disrespectful to my mother (me) for him to be there when he didn't support him age 0 through 22.

If the deadbeat wants to take him out to dinner or something the week of the ceremony or whatever the case, sure, do that. But coming to the ceremony and putting on a show like he contributed anything to this? I am not okay with that. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

I’m the pp you are responding to and I’m raising 2 kids on my own without support from their dad who hasn’t seen them in 10 years.

They aren’t in HS yet so who knows what challenges lay ahead. But this is HIS achievement, not yours.

As a single parent you must imagine these future events and how you may react to them - graduations, wedding, family parties, etc. I do. I prepare mentally for them. I’m as comfortable as I possibly can be with supporting whatever choice they make. It’s their life/achievements/celebrations, etc. I just want them to be happy in THEIR moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you understand what you have paid for. You paid for his college education. You didn’t buy his soul. And you didn’t do the work to graduate, he did.

You were the one who messed up by having a kid with this man. You have to bear the consequences, one of which is that you may have to put up with him appearing occasionally at events, like weddings, that he didn’t pay for and by rights shouldn’t be attending. If you don’t like it, you should have kept your legs closed, or taken precautions, 22 years ago.

I'm not paying for his wedding, so he can invite whomever he wants to that. This is a six-figure college degree I literally did pay for. And I paid untold sums and made untold sacrifices to make sure he was even prepared for this milestone. His father's actions, or inaction, for the last 22 years would have him digging ditches or in jail.

The deadbeat would only want to be there to steal credit for something he didn't help with, take photos for social media, and dupe his new wife. I'm not going to be complicit in that. Let him explain why he's not invited. She clearly has no idea the caliber of loser she married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you understand what you have paid for. You paid for his college education. You didn’t buy his soul. And you didn’t do the work to graduate, he did.

You were the one who messed up by having a kid with this man. You have to bear the consequences, one of which is that you may have to put up with him appearing occasionally at events, like weddings, that he didn’t pay for and by rights shouldn’t be attending. If you don’t like it, you should have kept your legs closed, or taken precautions, 22 years ago.

I'm not paying for his wedding, so he can invite whomever he wants to that. This is a six-figure college degree I literally did pay for. And I paid untold sums and made untold sacrifices to make sure he was even prepared for this milestone. His father's actions, or inaction, for the last 22 years would have him digging ditches or in jail.

The deadbeat would only want to be there to steal credit for something he didn't help with, take photos for social media, and dupe his new wife. I'm not going to be complicit in that. Let him explain why he's not invited. She clearly has no idea the caliber of loser she married.

Oh well, at least she didn’t have a kid with this terrible loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you understand what you have paid for. You paid for his college education. You didn’t buy his soul. And you didn’t do the work to graduate, he did.

You were the one who messed up by having a kid with this man. You have to bear the consequences, one of which is that you may have to put up with him appearing occasionally at events, like weddings, that he didn’t pay for and by rights shouldn’t be attending. If you don’t like it, you should have kept your legs closed, or taken precautions, 22 years ago.

I'm not paying for his wedding, so he can invite whomever he wants to that. This is a six-figure college degree I literally did pay for. And I paid untold sums and made untold sacrifices to make sure he was even prepared for this milestone. His father's actions, or inaction, for the last 22 years would have him digging ditches or in jail.

The deadbeat would only want to be there to steal credit for something he didn't help with, take photos for social media, and dupe his new wife. I'm not going to be complicit in that. Let him explain why he's not invited. She clearly has no idea the caliber of loser she married.

I'm not sure why you asked this question if you're totally uninterested in hearing any answer you don't 100% agree with. DP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you understand what you have paid for. You paid for his college education. You didn’t buy his soul. And you didn’t do the work to graduate, he did.

You were the one who messed up by having a kid with this man. You have to bear the consequences, one of which is that you may have to put up with him appearing occasionally at events, like weddings, that he didn’t pay for and by rights shouldn’t be attending. If you don’t like it, you should have kept your legs closed, or taken precautions, 22 years ago.

What an ass you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

I agree with you, but most on here don't because they have no skin in the game.
Financially or emotionally.
I get where you are coming from 100%, no need to apologize for it either.
Congrats to you. It is your achievement too.
When my mom single-handedly raised me and I graduated from college, I told her that this degree was "our" degree and achievement!
I hung it in her den. It was the best way I could think of to thank her.
Man here btw.

I agree and those who truly did this alone get you OP. You should feel very proud of what you've helped your son accomplish. There is nothing that the deadbeat can say or do to take that away from you. Here is my advice though, as someone who graduated from college under similar circumstances.

Do not, under any circumstances, tell your son that he cannot, or should not invite his father. Bite your tongue, and go to therapy to talk it through and make a plan for how you will handle seeing him and the new wife and playing nice. Here is why. No, the jerk does not deserve to pretend to have been a caring dad all along, but, he will sail in, with his new wife, bestowing gifts, hugs and the love and affection your son has been missing from this man for the past 22 years. You said son is a pushover. He will eat that right up. You will get hurt about it, potentially say something ugly, and you will be the one who ruined his graduation and at a time when he's a new adult and looking to be a man and separate from his parents. This will drive that natural separation even more and then, when he does feel compelled to reach out for some parental advice, he's going to call dad and the new wife.

Good luck OP, I get how you feel and my mother could have written the same post. Do your very best to hold it in around your son and ex, vent to your BFF and therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like someone is starting threads just to provoke a fight.

The tone of this angry OP is just like the tone of the troll who didn't want to share her dead mom's jewelry.

[Anonymous]

OP, I completely agree with you. But I would still take the high road, allow my kid to invite whoever. Believe me, I give you a lot of credit and I would guess your son does too. No one can take away from you that you showed up for your kid and paid for it all through college, without help from deadbeat dad.

Just behave better than you want to. This is supposed to be a happy time, certainly for your son. Please consider letting him shape it however he wants to. Parenthood lasts a long, long time. He’s 22 and just knows that Mom has always been there for him and he got through college. This is not a time to settle scores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you understand what you have paid for. You paid for his college education. You didn’t buy his soul. And you didn’t do the work to graduate, he did.

You were the one who messed up by having a kid with this man. You have to bear the consequences, one of which is that you may have to put up with him appearing occasionally at events, like weddings, that he didn’t pay for and by rights shouldn’t be attending. If you don’t like it, you should have kept your legs closed, or taken precautions, 22 years ago.

What an ass you are.

For what?