Husband refuses to give me a hug when i’m sad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally not affectionate….. but when i am upset or sad or crying, he refuses to give me a hug. My sadness seems to trigger anger in him. As a result, over the years, I have shared leas with him…..but this morning again i was crying (happens maybe twice a year, i don’t emote much anymore around him), where i just wanted a hug because i felt overwhelmed with childcare issue/ mundane back to school stress, he withdrew and refused a hug, and got angry at me for loading our dishwasher the wrong way….

I guess my question is, has anyone else found themself in this situation? I know he has empathy for other people, just not for me……isnt a husnand supposed to be a source of emtoonal support? I am pretty social and have lots of friends for support, but sometimes I want to feel like my DH wlso has my back….. but if i show any signs of being needy, he gets angry…..

This is a bad pattern in your marriage. He is not a person who is capable of being an affectionate partner. The best thing is for him to go to therapy to unpack what childhood trauma has wired his brain like this. 'If he does not do this, the next best thing is for you to be indifferent to him and be aggressive and dismissive to him. In such a situation he will become someone who wants to please you and he will become meek and subservient. The less you need him, the more he will try to win you over. Of course, you will have zero respect for a person like this.

Only a truly confident, happy, well-adusted man is capable of being a good spouse and equal, loving husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound emotionally manipulative. The most simply answer as to why your husband will not hug you when you are crying of issues like "back to school stress" is that he simply refuses to reward your bad behavior.

The argument that that "men's only emotion is anger so he should go to therapy" is misandrist.

Lets take your example of "back to school stress" where you start the morning by crying. What is it that you want from him? Are you actually wanting a hug or are you wanting him to take care of some action items.

If what you want is literally a hug, CRYING FOR A HUG IS CHILDISH AND MANIPULATIVE. As an adult you should have self-awareness to think "humm... I"m stressed, I'd like a hug from my husband" than an ADULT will walk over to their husband and using their big girl words say: "honey, I'm feeling a lot of stress and a hug would make be feel less stressed. Will you please give me a hug?"

If you did that then I bet he would give you a hug. If he didn't give you hug, then he is being a jerk.

That isn't what you do. You cry (like a child) and hope his response is the magic response you want and if he doesn't give you the secret code you get to be more upset with him. YOU are manipulative.

What the actual hell. This is old and I still felt the need to comment. OP also literally had said that he still had anger when she was dealing with MOURNING. If he still shows anger in ALL crying situations, I don't think it's that she's being manipulative. She also said she rarely rarely expresses emotions to him now.

That's going to add up and there will be times "small things" cause crying. I didn't see where she expressed she didn't specifically ask for a hug. Maybe she didn't specifically ask. That could be clearer. But that is still in NO way manipulation. She's simply wanting human affection.

Crying is *gasp* a result of a lot of built up emotions over time. When we cry around those that love us, we're not crying to get attention and pity from them, but a typical response to seeing a loved one in distress is to comfort them.

Well nobody is actually there in OP's house, but I think we are all aware that crying can be manipulative -- it shuts down discussion, because one person had decided that they are so upset they can't deal, and the other one is then expected to stop everything and express sympathy. So if that is the dynamic, which honestly we can't really tell, then I would be team DH on this one. (And of course mourning is a natural and understandable reason for crying; but it doesn't sound like that's all that's going on here.)

You, however, are probably a non-manipulative crier.

[Anonymous]

Counseling stat. He needs an objective third party to school him.

[Anonymous]

Mine was an Aspie. He was like dead inside. Had no idea what to do or what was going on.
He walked around like he had blinders on.

[Anonymous]

This is an old thread,but I'll comment nevertheless. OP's husband is a narcissist and lacks empathy. She is twisting herself into a pretzel to excuse his behavior.

It is terrible to live in an unhappy marriage like this, not feeling loved. OP should leave, she derves better. Even alone would be better.

Taking care of children during the summer while working full-time is unbelievably hard. OP deserves sympathy and help.

[Anonymous]

Also know this is a zombie thread but had to comment.

My H was like OP’s H, and I’m a massive crier. I cry nearly daily and need hugs and affection to feel better. H would get angry, call me manipulative, whatever.

I finally got to a point where I decided having someone who could hug and support me was more important to me that this particular relationship. So I let H know if he couldn’t figure out how to be loving and give hugs, I’d find another man who would. It took a few week but he figured it out.

[Anonymous]

I do t get this dispute here at all. What’s so terrible about giving your spouse a hug when they’re sad? Isn’t that a normal human thing to comfort each other? Who are all these cold and unempathetic people here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do t get this dispute here at all. What’s so terrible about giving your spouse a hug when they’re sad? Isn’t that a normal human thing to comfort each other? Who are all these cold and unempathetic people here?

They likely have avoidant attachment styles. It’s really common among avoidants - emotion and closeness make them deeply uncomfortable.

The answer is for them to just marry other avoidants but the problem is with two avoidant people, after one argument both wander their separate ways and no one tries to keep the relationship together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do t get this dispute here at all. What’s so terrible about giving your spouse a hug when they’re sad? Isn’t that a normal human thing to comfort each other? Who are all these cold and unempathetic people here?

They likely have avoidant attachment styles. It’s really common among avoidants - emotion and closeness make them deeply uncomfortable.

The answer is for them to just marry other avoidants but the problem is with two avoidant people, after one argument both wander their separate ways and no one tries to keep the relationship together.

Oh lord with this psychobabble.

[Anonymous]

You are very emotional and like hugs. Why did you marry someone who doesn't hug you? When you were dating, was he hugging you when you were sad? Probably not.
You married the wrong man. Like most women you probably knew it but didn't care. Now deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My most sympathetic take on this is he feels anxious because it's something he can't fix and he defaults to anger because that's the only emotion most adult men have ever had validated. He needs some kind of therapy to figure out why he's incapable of being a decent person when faced with your sadness.

This, exactly. Men are wired to want to fix every problem. They don’t know what to do with tears and sadness so they get angry with themselves and take it out on you. Vicious cycle.

Reminds me of my husband who still complains about having to take care of his mother and her anxiety (which she tried to hide but ended up expressing it indirectly). He can't seem to let go of it and it affects how he relates to other women (including me) and what he perceives as their anxiety. He needs boundaries but it ain't gonna happen. Sigh....

[Anonymous]

What are his parents like? I had to relearn how to handle others emotions through therapy because my mom was emotionally manipulative. It is nearly impossible to explain how that impacts how you manage other's emotions. I've come a long long way and have a healthy marriage and friendships, but I still struggle with people who have big emotions. One person in our friend group is cries easily. It was hard for me at first not to be completely put off by it. But I had to remind myself she wasn't being manipulative, that was just how she was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do t get this dispute here at all. What’s so terrible about giving your spouse a hug when they’re sad? Isn’t that a normal human thing to comfort each other? Who are all these cold and unempathetic people here?

They likely have avoidant attachment styles. It’s really common among avoidants - emotion and closeness make them deeply uncomfortable.

The answer is for them to just marry other avoidants but the problem is with two avoidant people, after one argument both wander their separate ways and no one tries to keep the relationship together.

Oh lord with this psychobabble.

lol this plays out all the time. You call something this obvious psychobabble? LOL!!

[Anonymous]

A lot of cold, callous people here on DCUM. OP: you deserve hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you withhold sex from DH? Did you in the past? When was the last time you had it?