Husband refuses to give me a hug when i’m sad

[Anonymous]

My DH is generally not affectionate….. but when i am upset or sad or crying, he refuses to give me a hug. My sadness seems to trigger anger in him. As a result, over the years, I have shared leas with him…..but this morning again i was crying (happens maybe twice a year, i don’t emote much anymore around him), where i just wanted a hug because i felt overwhelmed with childcare issue/ mundane back to school stress, he withdrew and refused a hug, and got angry at me for loading our dishwasher the wrong way….

I guess my question is, has anyone else found themself in this situation? I know he has empathy for other people, just not for me……isnt a husnand supposed to be a source of emtoonal support? I am pretty social and have lots of friends for support, but sometimes I want to feel like my DH wlso has my back….. but if i show any signs of being needy, he gets angry…..

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP. I have a neighbor friend like you and her DH just has no emotion toward her at all and it breaks her heart. She’s a good person and deserves better. As do you. I don’t think it’s all that uncommon. How is the rest of your relationship? Is this a marriage you want to stay in forever?

[Anonymous]

My most sympathetic take on this is he feels anxious because it's something he can't fix and he defaults to anger because that's the only emotion most adult men have ever had validated. He needs some kind of therapy to figure out why he's incapable of being a decent person when faced with your sadness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My most sympathetic take on this is he feels anxious because it's something he can't fix and he defaults to anger because that's the only emotion most adult men have ever had validated. He needs some kind of therapy to figure out why he's incapable of being a decent person when faced with your sadness.

This, exactly. Men are wired to want to fix every problem. They don’t know what to do with tears and sadness so they get angry with themselves and take it out on you. Vicious cycle.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that he thinks you are trying to manipulate him into doing mire around the house/ parenting?

He should use his words, but is there a difference in how he reacts when say someone close to you dies versus stress from parenting and keeping the household running?

[Anonymous]

What is it with men and the ‘proper’ way to load the dishwasher

[Anonymous]

Op here - thanks - I just know that this type of higs/ support was not modeled for him as a child in his family, which gives me empathy for him.

I think that DH likes things to revolve around him, and feels threatened when I express emotion about me, if that makes sense. He has gotten angry about “big” things like sadness when i mourned a parent, or when I had a miscarriage - with anger like “its not all about you.” I realize that is unhealthy, but he is on some level incapable of empathy toward me when I am sad. I am generally upbeat/bubbly, and it is mostly not an issue. But i am also human. There are moments when i reach my limit - snd lack of childcare this summer stretched my limit in terms of exhaustion, working full time, while taking care of kida while DH has his job/works longer hours than me. It is exhausting, i am eager for school to start…. Kind of tears of “almost there” but just needed a hug. I feel like stupid for forgetting he can’t do this, and it is with this sort of small thing that i am sometimes cought off guard. Am i the crazy one for expecting a hug? Why does this make me anxious? Etc

I rarely confide in him, now, because it makes things worse……

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it with men and the ‘proper’ way to load the dishwasher

Thanks for making me laugh! LOL

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound emotionally manipulative. The most simply answer as to why your husband will not hug you when you are crying of issues like "back to school stress" is that he simply refuses to reward your bad behavior.

The argument that that "men's only emotion is anger so he should go to therapy" is misandrist.

Lets take your example of "back to school stress" where you start the morning by crying. What is it that you want from him? Are you actually wanting a hug or are you wanting him to take care of some action items.

If what you want is literally a hug, CRYING FOR A HUG IS CHILDISH AND MANIPULATIVE. As an adult you should have self-awareness to think "humm... I"m stressed, I'd like a hug from my husband" than an ADULT will walk over to their husband and using their big girl words say: "honey, I'm feeling a lot of stress and a hug would make be feel less stressed. Will you please give me a hug?"

If you did that then I bet he would give you a hug. If he didn't give you hug, then he is being a jerk.

That isn't what you do. You cry (like a child) and hope his response is the magic response you want and if he doesn't give you the secret code you get to be more upset with him. YOU are manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - thanks - I just know that this type of higs/ support was not modeled for him as a child in his family, which gives me empathy for him.

I think that DH likes things to revolve around him, and feels threatened when I express emotion about me, if that makes sense. He has gotten angry about “big” things like sadness when i mourned a parent, or when I had a miscarriage - with anger like “its not all about you.” I realize that is unhealthy, but he is on some level incapable of empathy toward me when I am sad. I am generally upbeat/bubbly, and it is mostly not an issue. But i am also human. There are moments when i reach my limit - snd lack of childcare this summer stretched my limit in terms of exhaustion, working full time, while taking care of kida while DH has his job/works longer hours than me. It is exhausting, i am eager for school to start…. Kind of tears of “almost there” but just needed a hug. I feel like stupid for forgetting he can’t do this, and it is with this sort of small thing that i am sometimes cought off guard. Am i the crazy one for expecting a hug? Why does this make me anxious? Etc

I rarely confide in him, now, because it makes things worse……

Honestly op your childhood failed you as well. You break down over minor adult shit and have chosen a spouse who is lacking in empathy for important stuff ( parental death) it also seems you expect coddling. You need therapy. Your DH probably does too but you can only fix yourself

[Anonymous]

OP I’m a woman and I absolutely hate it when people demand hugs or ask aggressively for them. In fact when men do it, it feels coercive.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it triggers him somehow. I know that there are certain family members that when they start to share or show certain emotions, it actually scares me. Fight or flight kicks in. I want to flee the situation.

I doubt it's about him not loving you necessarily. It's got to be about how he experiences the feelings this raises in him.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you ask for a hug with words, or just cry and expect him to magically interpret that as you needing a hug? Why didn’t you ask for a hug before you got to tears?

Frankly the last thing anyone needs in the back to school AM rush is to now have to deal with a crying spouse in addition to everything else. I’m a woman and I’d feel pretty exasperated at you for crying at that point in time. It’s time to get shoes on and lunches made, not time for emotional scenes.

[Anonymous]

The anonymous people here have every right to loathe you and insult you. But your husband doesn't.

He should support you or leave.

Talk to him about how he can support you.
If he's uncomfortable with touch, maybe he can comfort you in a different way.
If he just demeans you for showing a weakness, he's made his choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound emotionally manipulative. The most simply answer as to why your husband will not hug you when you are crying of issues like "back to school stress" is that he simply refuses to reward your bad behavior.

The argument that that "men's only emotion is anger so he should go to therapy" is misandrist.

Lets take your example of "back to school stress" where you start the morning by crying. What is it that you want from him? Are you actually wanting a hug or are you wanting him to take care of some action items.

If what you want is literally a hug, CRYING FOR A HUG IS CHILDISH AND MANIPULATIVE. As an adult you should have self-awareness to think "humm... I"m stressed, I'd like a hug from my husband" than an ADULT will walk over to their husband and using their big girl words say: "honey, I'm feeling a lot of stress and a hug would make be feel less stressed. Will you please give me a hug?"

If you did that then I bet he would give you a hug. If he didn't give you hug, then he is being a jerk.

That isn't what you do. You cry (like a child) and hope his response is the magic response you want and if he doesn't give you the secret code you get to be more upset with him. YOU are manipulative.

The irony of how irrationally angry you got at OP for posting about wanting a hug while including this line.