Husband refuses to give me a hug when i’m sad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound emotionally manipulative. The most simply answer as to why your husband will not hug you when you are crying of issues like "back to school stress" is that he simply refuses to reward your bad behavior.

The argument that that "men's only emotion is anger so he should go to therapy" is misandrist.

Lets take your example of "back to school stress" where you start the morning by crying. What is it that you want from him? Are you actually wanting a hug or are you wanting him to take care of some action items.

If what you want is literally a hug, CRYING FOR A HUG IS CHILDISH AND MANIPULATIVE. As an adult you should have self-awareness to think "humm... I"m stressed, I'd like a hug from my husband" than an ADULT will walk over to their husband and using their big girl words say: "honey, I'm feeling a lot of stress and a hug would make be feel less stressed. Will you please give me a hug?"

If you did that then I bet he would give you a hug. If he didn't give you hug, then he is being a jerk.

That isn't what you do. You cry (like a child) and hope his response is the magic response you want and if he doesn't give you the secret code you get to be more upset with him. YOU are manipulative.

The irony of how irrationally angry you got at OP for posting about wanting a hug while including this line.

+1. PP sounds unhinged.

That PP is unhinged, no doubt. But there are some kernels of truth there. It’s actually pretty bad behavior to demand hugs or physical affection in general. Requesting a hug is okay, but it’s also okay to refuse, even between spouses.

I think if this was a husband posting about how a wife wouldn’t give him hugs, the responses would be pretty different.

o/t but how do i know if someone's a non-hugger? what signs to look for?

Hard to know because they will hide it until you are far along in the relationship.

No way. I am not a hugger and it’s not like i was hugging my boyfriends up until a year in or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound emotionally manipulative. The most simply answer as to why your husband will not hug you when you are crying of issues like "back to school stress" is that he simply refuses to reward your bad behavior.

The argument that that "men's only emotion is anger so he should go to therapy" is misandrist.

Lets take your example of "back to school stress" where you start the morning by crying. What is it that you want from him? Are you actually wanting a hug or are you wanting him to take care of some action items.

If what you want is literally a hug, CRYING FOR A HUG IS CHILDISH AND MANIPULATIVE. As an adult you should have self-awareness to think "humm... I"m stressed, I'd like a hug from my husband" than an ADULT will walk over to their husband and using their big girl words say: "honey, I'm feeling a lot of stress and a hug would make be feel less stressed. Will you please give me a hug?"

If you did that then I bet he would give you a hug. If he didn't give you hug, then he is being a jerk.

That isn't what you do. You cry (like a child) and hope his response is the magic response you want and if he doesn't give you the secret code you get to be more upset with him. YOU are manipulative.

The irony of how irrationally angry you got at OP for posting about wanting a hug while including this line.

+1. PP sounds unhinged.

That PP is unhinged, no doubt. But there are some kernels of truth there. It’s actually pretty bad behavior to demand hugs or physical affection in general. Requesting a hug is okay, but it’s also okay to refuse, even between spouses.

I think if this was a husband posting about how a wife wouldn’t give him hugs, the responses would be pretty different.

Where do you see she "demanded" a hug, or are you making things up to make sure you pick the gender you prefer to side with?
Asking your spouse, of either sex, for a hug is not bad behavior. Of course your spouse can refuse, but then getting angry with you and picking a fight is actual bad behavior. OP did nothing wrong.

DP.

She expects a hug from him when she is sad. Look at her topic for this thread.

Nothing wrong with it, but she does demand a hug when she is sad.

If guy started a thread with " wife refused to give me sex when I'm horny". Many will say he was demanding sex.

DP here too. If you read the rest of the post, what she is really looking for is support from her husband. I have a feeling if it doesn't have to be a hug, it could be a hand hold with a sincere expression of sympathy. It could be kind words and checking in with her throughout the day to see if she's feeling better. It could be a lot of things besides a hug. I don't think she's "demanding" a hug.

[Anonymous]

I have an ex-husband like what you describe OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it with men and the ‘proper’ way to load the dishwasher

Womyn do this too

[Anonymous]

I have this kind of husband too. And similar situations I do indeed ask for a hug and he proceeds to make excuses for why he can’t. (Ok well I can’t because you’re over there, come here, or I just wanna go eat some pizza now I’m hungry.” People in the comments are rude and also need therapy. It’s ok to be overwhelmed and ask for a hug. Especially when she’s clearly the sole emotional support for the kids and her spouse. Who is there for her? Your husband has an anxious avoidant attachment and probably stems from mommy issues.

[Anonymous]

Very bad and unhealthy. Please go to marriage counseling asap.

[Anonymous]

I’m going through something similar. Not crying out of being overwhelmed, but DH gets defensive/upset anytime I express hurt feelings or disappointment. He could easily acknowledge them, but would rather I not have feelings. It sucks and I am close to being done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound emotionally manipulative. The most simply answer as to why your husband will not hug you when you are crying of issues like "back to school stress" is that he simply refuses to reward your bad behavior.

The argument that that "men's only emotion is anger so he should go to therapy" is misandrist.

Lets take your example of "back to school stress" where you start the morning by crying. What is it that you want from him? Are you actually wanting a hug or are you wanting him to take care of some action items.

If what you want is literally a hug, CRYING FOR A HUG IS CHILDISH AND MANIPULATIVE. As an adult you should have self-awareness to think "humm... I"m stressed, I'd like a hug from my husband" than an ADULT will walk over to their husband and using their big girl words say: "honey, I'm feeling a lot of stress and a hug would make be feel less stressed. Will you please give me a hug?"

If you did that then I bet he would give you a hug. If he didn't give you hug, then he is being a jerk.

That isn't what you do. You cry (like a child) and hope his response is the magic response you want and if he doesn't give you the secret code you get to be more upset with him. YOU are manipulative.

Oh, hi DH! I didn’t know you read DCUM.

[Anonymous]

This is emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

Attachment styles?

Read Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

Getting the Love You Want by Hendrix

[Anonymous]

Just curious, does he ever express to you that he is sad or hurting? If so, what do you do for him?

[Anonymous]

The same men who don’t want to hug are probably happy for sex. 🙄

Op—I think you guys need marriage counseling. If he refuses, get out of there. Plenty of men out there who are happy to hug you when you’re sad. He was angry at you when you mourned a love one and a miscarriage??? He sounds like a class act jerk to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound emotionally manipulative. The most simply answer as to why your husband will not hug you when you are crying of issues like "back to school stress" is that he simply refuses to reward your bad behavior.

The argument that that "men's only emotion is anger so he should go to therapy" is misandrist.

Lets take your example of "back to school stress" where you start the morning by crying. What is it that you want from him? Are you actually wanting a hug or are you wanting him to take care of some action items.

If what you want is literally a hug, CRYING FOR A HUG IS CHILDISH AND MANIPULATIVE. As an adult you should have self-awareness to think "humm... I"m stressed, I'd like a hug from my husband" than an ADULT will walk over to their husband and using their big girl words say: "honey, I'm feeling a lot of stress and a hug would make be feel less stressed. Will you please give me a hug?"

If you did that then I bet he would give you a hug. If he didn't give you hug, then he is being a jerk.

That isn't what you do. You cry (like a child) and hope his response is the magic response you want and if he doesn't give you the secret code you get to be more upset with him. YOU are manipulative.

Agree with all of this. And I don't believe OP one bit when they say they cry only twice a year.

+2 to the PP
and +1 to not believing the OP cries only twice a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going through something similar. Not crying out of being overwhelmed, but DH gets defensive/upset anytime I express hurt feelings or disappointment. He could easily acknowledge them, but would rather I not have feelings. It sucks and I am close to being done.

Your feelings are only interesting to you. Men find them boring. If you get divorced then you might find another man who will pretend to be interested (like your DH used to) for a while but eventually he will stop and you’ll be back where you are now.

Would be a lot easier for you to learn to process your feelings by yourself, like a grownup. Or you could pay a therapist to care about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m a woman and I absolutely hate it when people demand hugs or ask aggressively for them. In fact when men do it, it feels coercive.

Same. I dislike coerced hugs. Also find it hard to hug someone when they are venting at me. It's overwhelming and makes me want space from them.