People with good parents/nice childhoods who are selfish, unkind, unempathetic?

[Anonymous]

My experience is the richer the girl / boy, the more likely they will develop queen bee behavior or indulged male behavior. This is from 12 years of private school.

[Anonymous]

There is a family like this in our neighborhood. Parents seem super nice (dad volunteers for lots of things and is well liked and mom is a hippy yoga free spirit type). Kids are in high school/just graduated and are just mean, and always have been. From what I can discern the parents just don’t see it/think they walk on water/turn a blind eye to the behavior, which is clearly part of the problem. But aside from that I think the kids are just mean people, and probably always will be. I just chalk it up to the fact that not everyone is a nice person, and it’s as simple as that. I mean, I am sure the fact that their parents don’t recognize the behavior feeds it, but aside from the potential of unknown trauma, I think it’s possible that two nice people can raise jerks. In fact I think it’s more common than most people are willing to admit.

[Anonymous]

Parents aren't the only source of a person's behavior or personality, and parents have limited control over society messaging. Millennials were given a lot if messaging from every possible source that might be an antithesis to a lot of values society had really hoped would prevail. They were taught individualism over group, lots and lots and lots and lots of self esteem messaging, which is good, but it happened at the cost of real empathy. This generation also became a competitive group- lots of sports, lots of academic competition, the building of a huge resume before even a college major is declared. They had lots of stuff due to the growing consumerism of the 80s and 90s, they had the beginning of electronics- and that kept them indoors and out of a lot of interaction.
If you will remember, this is the hook up generation. Sex became more recreational, without the burden of a relationships or feelings.
They were told to do what they loved, and what they were fulfilled by, but they needed to make a lot of money. Adolescence expanded well into
the late 30s. Kids are a drag, now, interfering with lifestyle and freedom. As adults, they feel the need to brand themselves, which leads to, yes, competition within their "brand." In short, the cultural and societal message was this: "You do you, and do what you need to be you, even at the expense of others, if need be."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Elizabeth Holmes. She seemed to have a similar background. She says she was sexually assaulted in high school.

The women who participated in that NXIVM cult with women being branded were also from upper middle class back grounds. They lured other women into the cult.

Women and men from seemingly perfect upbringings can be highly competitive to not want to fall in the rankings.

She claims she was sexually assaulted in college. She did drop out of college. She didn't complete a degree. I don't think that could change her mind fundamentally to turn her into a sociopath who was willing to fake blood test results with the potential to kill people.

She wasn't going to fail in her own mind, regardless of actually failing. She wasn't going to give up her own branding no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents aren't the only source of a person's behavior or personality, and parents have limited control over society messaging. Millennials were given a lot if messaging from every possible source that might be an antithesis to a lot of values society had really hoped would prevail. They were taught individualism over group, lots and lots and lots and lots of self esteem messaging, which is good, but it happened at the cost of real empathy. This generation also became a competitive group- lots of sports, lots of academic competition, the building of a huge resume before even a college major is declared. They had lots of stuff due to the growing consumerism of the 80s and 90s, they had the beginning of electronics- and that kept them indoors and out of a lot of interaction.
If you will remember, this is the hook up generation. Sex became more recreational, without the burden of a relationships or feelings.
They were told to do what they loved, and what they were fulfilled by, but they needed to make a lot of money. Adolescence expanded well into
the late 30s. Kids are a drag, now, interfering with lifestyle and freedom. As adults, they feel the need to brand themselves, which leads to, yes, competition within their "brand." In short, the cultural and societal message was this: "You do you, and do what you need to be you, even at the expense of others, if need be."

And Gen Z is just more of this.

[Anonymous]

A. You don't have any idea how their parents are.
B. You have no idea that "good" parents create caring people.
C. You must not be a nice person if you are trying to avoid raising a person who is like that. Good parents think about their kids' needs, not what they hope their kids will be 20 years into the future.
You seem to be recognizing that you are that mean girl.

[Anonymous]

So I married DH, who seems to fit all those "parameters" you outlined.
He had "good" parents, a nice household, and no apparent strife; everything made me think how great his childhood was compared to mine.
I am caring, overly thinking of others I might not even know, and have put others before me; all you describe as a nice person! My parents were in nightmares 60% of the time, and my family life was like a horror movie on many occasions. So, how did I turn out so "nice?"
But wait, DH is awesome, a great partner, dad, worker, and all that great stuff!
As I learned more and more, it turned out his dad was a horrible narcissist, and they all walked on eggshells around him. His own DD, a therapist, said it to me and that he is 100% a narc.
Also, over 27 years into my marriage, FIL tells me that he told his dad some horrible things, and his dad killed himself the next day.
But, I thought DH had an awesome family, just that his mom was scared not to have all the socks folded and the house spotless before her darling narc DH came home from work.
So, do tell, op, how come DH and I are nice people? And that is not me saying it; everyone says DH is a great person, and I am well-loved by most people. Young adult DD seems to think we are the best parents and says so constantly now; for a while in her teens, she thought I was a monster.
Either we are horrible people who are insane, or your premise holds no value other than as your personal opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A. You don't have any idea how their parents are.
B. You have no idea that "good" parents create caring people.
C. You must not be a nice person if you are trying to avoid raising a person who is like that. Good parents think about their kids' needs, not what they hope their kids will be 20 years into the future.
You seem to be recognizing that you are that mean girl.

Disagree. We hope to raise caring empathetic people, and no it isn't wrong to instill values. Their needs are being met if they are raised with character and values, especially those of service.
OP isn't mean by pointing out that a person or persons are jerks, especially when they are jerks. We don't make judgements in people's young children as they are children and are a work in progress. That's not the case here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

Some people are just shitty people.

[Anonymous]

I’ve known plenty of people who were raised right but wired wrong.

[Anonymous]

First, you don't really know what someone's childhood and family were truly like.

Second, I actually think it is quite common for people whose childhoods and families appeared to be "good" to be unempathetic. They are less able to relate to pain because they didn't experience it much. OR the reason you think their family is perfect is that their family deals with thigns by acting like everything is perfect, which means not showing sympathy because why show sympathy if nothing is wrong? Repression and denial!