People with good parents/nice childhoods who are selfish, unkind, unempathetic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

+1

Could be lots of things. Could be that supportive family only exists if they’re perfect, or that the little princess was a mean girl but the parents thought she could do no wrong. Could be mental illness. Could be that she did have childhood trauma but you’re not aware, and she’s not advertising it because most people don’t. Could be they’re dealing with something terrible now and it’s making them snap. Could be as simple as being rude works for them and gets results. Could be that they don’t think there’s anything wrong with their behavior and lack empathy. Could be that there’s nothing wrong with their behavior and you’re too sensitive. There’s no way to know. If you don’t like them, don’t hang out with them anymore because you shouldn’t waste you’re time with people you don’t like.

The people I'm thinking of definitely don't have childhood trauma. I know you'll tell me "you can't know that" but I do know it.

The behavior I'm talking about is unequivocally unkind, not up for debate.

So you've got: mental illness, permissive parents who ignored bad behavior, or some kind of ongoing issue that is making them "snap" (though again, this begs the question, wouldn't someone well parented with good family support have some built-in backstops to prevent "snapping"? if your family is loving and supportive and amazing, why would you need to take out frustration or whatever on someone else when you could just lean on your family in a time of need -- it's a dysfunctional behavior).

Unless they have told you, “I didn’t have childhood trauma”, you don’t know. I was assaulted in Kindergarten and none of my cousins know. None of my friends know. None of my neighbors know. How are you SURE?

[Anonymous]

Hmm..i think this question has come up before twice at least in my reading and i think that it is being asked by someone who survived an awful family and is now finally facing the 'normal' world on her own and realising that most of the 'normal' world is not caring, fair or kind.
Those of us who strive to be normal have used books, tv, stories as a picture into whatvthe world should be and it is always about good is better than evil, kindness better than selfishness and other such "be good" stuff.
The truth is no one is going to be good to you just because you are following the rules, everyone is pretty selfish and the normies dont love us like we think they would for bending over backwards to please them....
Many seemjngly normal people are mean, selfish, unprofessional and nasty and that's just the way it is, that IS normal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

+1

Could be lots of things. Could be that supportive family only exists if they’re perfect, or that the little princess was a mean girl but the parents thought she could do no wrong. Could be mental illness. Could be that she did have childhood trauma but you’re not aware, and she’s not advertising it because most people don’t. Could be they’re dealing with something terrible now and it’s making them snap. Could be as simple as being rude works for them and gets results. Could be that they don’t think there’s anything wrong with their behavior and lack empathy. Could be that there’s nothing wrong with their behavior and you’re too sensitive. There’s no way to know. If you don’t like them, don’t hang out with them anymore because you shouldn’t waste you’re time with people you don’t like.

The people I'm thinking of definitely don't have childhood trauma. I know you'll tell me "you can't know that" but I do know it.

The behavior I'm talking about is unequivocally unkind, not up for debate.

So you've got: mental illness, permissive parents who ignored bad behavior, or some kind of ongoing issue that is making them "snap" (though again, this begs the question, wouldn't someone well parented with good family support have some built-in backstops to prevent "snapping"? if your family is loving and supportive and amazing, why would you need to take out frustration or whatever on someone else when you could just lean on your family in a time of need -- it's a dysfunctional behavior).

Unless they have told you, “I didn’t have childhood trauma”, you don’t know. I was assaulted in Kindergarten and none of my cousins know. None of my friends know. None of my neighbors know. How are you SURE?

And tbh even if they have straight up said this that doesn’t make it true. They have trauma they don’t want to discuss or haven’t unpacked yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

+1

Could be lots of things. Could be that supportive family only exists if they’re perfect, or that the little princess was a mean girl but the parents thought she could do no wrong. Could be mental illness. Could be that she did have childhood trauma but you’re not aware, and she’s not advertising it because most people don’t. Could be they’re dealing with something terrible now and it’s making them snap. Could be as simple as being rude works for them and gets results. Could be that they don’t think there’s anything wrong with their behavior and lack empathy. Could be that there’s nothing wrong with their behavior and you’re too sensitive. There’s no way to know. If you don’t like them, don’t hang out with them anymore because you shouldn’t waste you’re time with people you don’t like.

The people I'm thinking of definitely don't have childhood trauma. I know you'll tell me "you can't know that" but I do know it.

The behavior I'm talking about is unequivocally unkind, not up for debate.

So you've got: mental illness, permissive parents who ignored bad behavior, or some kind of ongoing issue that is making them "snap" (though again, this begs the question, wouldn't someone well parented with good family support have some built-in backstops to prevent "snapping"? if your family is loving and supportive and amazing, why would you need to take out frustration or whatever on someone else when you could just lean on your family in a time of need -- it's a dysfunctional behavior).

Unless they have told you, “I didn’t have childhood trauma”, you don’t know. I was assaulted in Kindergarten and none of my cousins know. None of my friends know. None of my neighbors know. How are you SURE?

I am the former poster with the friends who didn't know. I would hjave said this too.

[Anonymous]

Genetics expressing mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

First of, most families have problems - they may appear happy and functional but there is ALWAYS something happening. Most of the time minor things, but sometimes traumatic stuff.

Second, just because someone had a mostly loving and supportive childhood, it does not mean everything kept being sunshine and roses once they became adults. Trauma can occur at any stage of life.

[Anonymous]

Because humans are human. They aren’t widgets. It’s not just a matter of following steps. I mean there are people raised in the worst of circumstances who are generous and kind and lovely. Sometimes nurture can’t overcome nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm..i think this question has come up before twice at least in my reading and i think that it is being asked by someone who survived an awful family and is now finally facing the 'normal' world on her own and realising that most of the 'normal' world is not caring, fair or kind.
Those of us who strive to be normal have used books, tv, stories as a picture into whatvthe world should be and it is always about good is better than evil, kindness better than selfishness and other such "be good" stuff.
The truth is no one is going to be good to you just because you are following the rules, everyone is pretty selfish and the normies dont love us like we think they would for bending over backwards to please them....
Many seemjngly normal people are mean, selfish, unprofessional and nasty and that's just the way it is, that IS normal

+1

Interesting post!

[Anonymous]

Elizabeth Holmes. She seemed to have a similar background. She says she was sexually assaulted in high school.

The women who participated in that NXIVM cult with women being branded were also from upper middle class back grounds. They lured other women into the cult.

Women and men from seemingly perfect upbringings can be highly competitive to not want to fall in the rankings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Elizabeth Holmes. She seemed to have a similar background. She says she was sexually assaulted in high school.

The women who participated in that NXIVM cult with women being branded were also from upper middle class back grounds. They lured other women into the cult.

Women and men from seemingly perfect upbringings can be highly competitive to not want to fall in the rankings.

She claims she was sexually assaulted in college. She did drop out of college. She didn't complete a degree. I don't think that could change her mind fundamentally to turn her into a sociopath who was willing to fake blood test results with the potential to kill people.

[Anonymous]

Just because your family of origin is nice and you get along with them, doesn't mean you didn't interact with other jerks in your life and had to become a jerk to deal with them.

[Anonymous]

Do you people really think people are born a blank slate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

That's... not an answer. If it isn't family dysfunction or poor parenting that causes this behavior, what is it? What are people "going through" that causes people with good parents and happy childhoods to be unkind or even cruel?

Grief
Illness
Divorce
Addiction
Adultery
Financial troubles
Job instability

Or any other adverse condition that happens to adults over their lifetime

The people I'm talking about are not going through divorce, illness, job instability, or financial troubles. And they are protected from the last two because of comfortable backgrounds that helped ensure they started out life with the best possible education and a lot of financial stability.

Why would someone with loving, supportive family and no childhood trauma develop addiction issues? Does that actually happen? Everyone I know with addiction and mental health issues can trace it at least in part to childhood issues.

So that leaves grief and adultery. Which sure, can befall anyone. But shouldn't someone from a loving, supportive, UMC or UC home know of ways to handle those things that don't involve treating other people terribly?

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but these responses are still not explaining why someone who has the background we'd all like to give our children (presumably) would behave in ways that are unequivocally unkind.

Brains can break in all sorts of ways and having a financially stable loving home environment is not a guarantee that personality disorder won’t arise.

Narcissists can come from loving homes, some people are deeply ego wounded in childhood simply by the dethroning that occurs when a sibling comes along after years as the only child. Or it happens because some parents are sadly loving to one child and not very much so to the other, which can also cause an ego wound that gives rise to personality disorder.

As for addiction - addictive disorders happen to all kinds of people of all walks of life including many who grew up well loved and supported. The ignorance that exists in assertions otherwise is a manifestation of the deeply rooted belief that addiction is about character - it absolutely is not, and neuroscience has proven this irrefutably. Or, you could just ask some of the hundreds of thousands of parents who lost a child to the opiod epidemic- many of them really good kids whose doctors got them hooked on oxy by prescribing it for dental procedures and minor sports injuries.

[Anonymous]

I don't get the premise of this question. It's based on a theory that not being a kind adult must be rooted in some kind of trauma. Why would we assume that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

That's... not an answer. If it isn't family dysfunction or poor parenting that causes this behavior, what is it? What are people "going through" that causes people with good parents and happy childhoods to be unkind or even cruel?

Grief
Illness
Divorce
Addiction
Adultery
Financial troubles
Job instability

Or any other adverse condition that happens to adults over their lifetime

The people I'm talking about are not going through divorce, illness, job instability, or financial troubles. And they are protected from the last two because of comfortable backgrounds that helped ensure they started out life with the best possible education and a lot of financial stability.

Why would someone with loving, supportive family and no childhood trauma develop addiction issues? Does that actually happen? Everyone I know with addiction and mental health issues can trace it at least in part to childhood issues.

So that leaves grief and adultery. Which sure, can befall anyone. But shouldn't someone from a loving, supportive, UMC or UC home know of ways to handle those things that don't involve treating other people terribly?

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but these responses are still not explaining why someone who has the background we'd all like to give our children (presumably) would behave in ways that are unequivocally unkind.

I can’t imagine why someone would get irritated with you and say something mean. You seem so pleasant, accepting and nonjudgmental.

My thoughts exactly!

If OP perseveres lie this in real life, no wonder people have to be a little harsh.