People with good parents/nice childhoods who are selfish, unkind, unempathetic?

[Anonymous]

How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

+1

Could be lots of things. Could be that supportive family only exists if they’re perfect, or that the little princess was a mean girl but the parents thought she could do no wrong. Could be mental illness. Could be that she did have childhood trauma but you’re not aware, and she’s not advertising it because most people don’t. Could be they’re dealing with something terrible now and it’s making them snap. Could be as simple as being rude works for them and gets results. Could be that they don’t think there’s anything wrong with their behavior and lack empathy. Could be that there’s nothing wrong with their behavior and you’re too sensitive. There’s no way to know. If you don’t like them, don’t hang out with them anymore because you shouldn’t waste you’re time with people you don’t like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

That's... not an answer. If it isn't family dysfunction or poor parenting that causes this behavior, what is it? What are people "going through" that causes people with good parents and happy childhoods to be unkind or even cruel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

That's... not an answer. If it isn't family dysfunction or poor parenting that causes this behavior, what is it? What are people "going through" that causes people with good parents and happy childhoods to be unkind or even cruel?

Grief
Illness
Divorce
Addiction
Adultery
Financial troubles
Job instability

Or any other adverse condition that happens to adults over their lifetime

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

+1

Could be lots of things. Could be that supportive family only exists if they’re perfect, or that the little princess was a mean girl but the parents thought she could do no wrong. Could be mental illness. Could be that she did have childhood trauma but you’re not aware, and she’s not advertising it because most people don’t. Could be they’re dealing with something terrible now and it’s making them snap. Could be as simple as being rude works for them and gets results. Could be that they don’t think there’s anything wrong with their behavior and lack empathy. Could be that there’s nothing wrong with their behavior and you’re too sensitive. There’s no way to know. If you don’t like them, don’t hang out with them anymore because you shouldn’t waste you’re time with people you don’t like.

The people I'm thinking of definitely don't have childhood trauma. I know you'll tell me "you can't know that" but I do know it.

The behavior I'm talking about is unequivocally unkind, not up for debate.

So you've got: mental illness, permissive parents who ignored bad behavior, or some kind of ongoing issue that is making them "snap" (though again, this begs the question, wouldn't someone well parented with good family support have some built-in backstops to prevent "snapping"? if your family is loving and supportive and amazing, why would you need to take out frustration or whatever on someone else when you could just lean on your family in a time of need -- it's a dysfunctional behavior).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

That's... not an answer. If it isn't family dysfunction or poor parenting that causes this behavior, what is it? What are people "going through" that causes people with good parents and happy childhoods to be unkind or even cruel?

That’s… not something you can know. What causes someone to presume they know with certainty that there was nothing problematic during someone’s developmental years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

+1

Could be lots of things. Could be that supportive family only exists if they’re perfect, or that the little princess was a mean girl but the parents thought she could do no wrong. Could be mental illness. Could be that she did have childhood trauma but you’re not aware, and she’s not advertising it because most people don’t. Could be they’re dealing with something terrible now and it’s making them snap. Could be as simple as being rude works for them and gets results. Could be that they don’t think there’s anything wrong with their behavior and lack empathy. Could be that there’s nothing wrong with their behavior and you’re too sensitive. There’s no way to know. If you don’t like them, don’t hang out with them anymore because you shouldn’t waste you’re time with people you don’t like.

The people I'm thinking of definitely don't have childhood trauma. I know you'll tell me "you can't know that" but I do know it.

The behavior I'm talking about is unequivocally unkind, not up for debate.

So you've got: mental illness, permissive parents who ignored bad behavior, or some kind of ongoing issue that is making them "snap" (though again, this begs the question, wouldn't someone well parented with good family support have some built-in backstops to prevent "snapping"? if your family is loving and supportive and amazing, why would you need to take out frustration or whatever on someone else when you could just lean on your family in a time of need -- it's a dysfunctional behavior).

How about sharing how you know and what kind of behavior you’re talking about? Otherwise it’s a vague hypothetical that none of us can answer except to say, could be anything, because we don’t really know what you’re talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

That's... not an answer. If it isn't family dysfunction or poor parenting that causes this behavior, what is it? What are people "going through" that causes people with good parents and happy childhoods to be unkind or even cruel?

Grief
Illness
Divorce
Addiction
Adultery
Financial troubles
Job instability

Or any other adverse condition that happens to adults over their lifetime

The people I'm talking about are not going through divorce, illness, job instability, or financial troubles. And they are protected from the last two because of comfortable backgrounds that helped ensure they started out life with the best possible education and a lot of financial stability.

Why would someone with loving, supportive family and no childhood trauma develop addiction issues? Does that actually happen? Everyone I know with addiction and mental health issues can trace it at least in part to childhood issues.

So that leaves grief and adultery. Which sure, can befall anyone. But shouldn't someone from a loving, supportive, UMC or UC home know of ways to handle those things that don't involve treating other people terribly?

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but these responses are still not explaining why someone who has the background we'd all like to give our children (presumably) would behave in ways that are unequivocally unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

That's... not an answer. If it isn't family dysfunction or poor parenting that causes this behavior, what is it? What are people "going through" that causes people with good parents and happy childhoods to be unkind or even cruel?

That’s… not something you can know. What causes someone to presume they know with certainty that there was nothing problematic during someone’s developmental years?

Being very familiar with that person's upbringing/knowing their family well/knowing them a long time and discussing very personal things to a degree that would give me this confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

That's... not an answer. If it isn't family dysfunction or poor parenting that causes this behavior, what is it? What are people "going through" that causes people with good parents and happy childhoods to be unkind or even cruel?

Grief
Illness
Divorce
Addiction
Adultery
Financial troubles
Job instability

Or any other adverse condition that happens to adults over their lifetime

The people I'm talking about are not going through divorce, illness, job instability, or financial troubles. And they are protected from the last two because of comfortable backgrounds that helped ensure they started out life with the best possible education and a lot of financial stability.

Why would someone with loving, supportive family and no childhood trauma develop addiction issues? Does that actually happen? Everyone I know with addiction and mental health issues can trace it at least in part to childhood issues.

So that leaves grief and adultery. Which sure, can befall anyone. But shouldn't someone from a loving, supportive, UMC or UC home know of ways to handle those things that don't involve treating other people terribly?

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but these responses are still not explaining why someone who has the background we'd all like to give our children (presumably) would behave in ways that are unequivocally unkind.

I can’t imagine why someone would get irritated with you and say something mean. You seem so pleasant, accepting and nonjudgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

+1

Could be lots of things. Could be that supportive family only exists if they’re perfect, or that the little princess was a mean girl but the parents thought she could do no wrong. Could be mental illness. Could be that she did have childhood trauma but you’re not aware, and she’s not advertising it because most people don’t. Could be they’re dealing with something terrible now and it’s making them snap. Could be as simple as being rude works for them and gets results. Could be that they don’t think there’s anything wrong with their behavior and lack empathy. Could be that there’s nothing wrong with their behavior and you’re too sensitive. There’s no way to know. If you don’t like them, don’t hang out with them anymore because you shouldn’t waste you’re time with people you don’t like.

The people I'm thinking of definitely don't have childhood trauma. I know you'll tell me "you can't know that" but I do know it.

The behavior I'm talking about is unequivocally unkind, not up for debate.

So you've got: mental illness, permissive parents who ignored bad behavior, or some kind of ongoing issue that is making them "snap" (though again, this begs the question, wouldn't someone well parented with good family support have some built-in backstops to prevent "snapping"? if your family is loving and supportive and amazing, why would you need to take out frustration or whatever on someone else when you could just lean on your family in a time of need -- it's a dysfunctional behavior).

How about sharing how you know and what kind of behavior you’re talking about? Otherwise it’s a vague hypothetical that none of us can answer except to say, could be anything, because we don’t really know what you’re talking about.

I'm not trying to be vague. I've seen this with several people so there's not just one person. But an example:

Close family member from wonderful family, doted on youngest daughter, great education (all paid for by parents), good career, loving husband, sweet kids. Just absolutely the nastiest queen bee you can imagine, can be incredibly kind and supportive to people when she can get something out of them (including status) but I have personally watched her attempt to destroy multiple "friends" through spreading false rumors, getting them blacklisted from organizations, and threatening them with more social repercussions. When I have raised my objections to this, she laughs and says crap like "alls fair in love and war!"

That's just one, I know several people like this though and I don't get where their aggression and cruelty come from because their parents are not like that, no one else in their family is like that, and they have no concrete reason to be like that, like financial instability or addiction or some of the other things people have suggested on this thread. It's just... who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

That's... not an answer. If it isn't family dysfunction or poor parenting that causes this behavior, what is it? What are people "going through" that causes people with good parents and happy childhoods to be unkind or even cruel?

Grief
Illness
Divorce
Addiction
Adultery
Financial troubles
Job instability

Or any other adverse condition that happens to adults over their lifetime

The people I'm talking about are not going through divorce, illness, job instability, or financial troubles. And they are protected from the last two because of comfortable backgrounds that helped ensure they started out life with the best possible education and a lot of financial stability.

Why would someone with loving, supportive family and no childhood trauma develop addiction issues? Does that actually happen? Everyone I know with addiction and mental health issues can trace it at least in part to childhood issues.

So that leaves grief and adultery. Which sure, can befall anyone. But shouldn't someone from a loving, supportive, UMC or UC home know of ways to handle those things that don't involve treating other people terribly?

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but these responses are still not explaining why someone who has the background we'd all like to give our children (presumably) would behave in ways that are unequivocally unkind.

I can’t imagine why someone would get irritated with you and say something mean. You seem so pleasant, accepting and nonjudgmental.

No one has gotten irritated with me and said something mean (or if they have, that's not what I'm talking about here).

I am pretty pleasant and accepting. I definitely tend towards the judgmental side, though, and am not ashamed of it. I'm not a jerk though, I don't gossip, I would never spread lies about someone, and I actually have a lot of empathy.

I'm talking about a phenomenon I have observed in a handful of other people and am genuinely trying to understand because, for one, I don't want my daughter growing up to behave this way and would like to know if there are things I can do to prevent it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

That's... not an answer. If it isn't family dysfunction or poor parenting that causes this behavior, what is it? What are people "going through" that causes people with good parents and happy childhoods to be unkind or even cruel?

That’s… not something you can know. What causes someone to presume they know with certainty that there was nothing problematic during someone’s developmental years?

Being very familiar with that person's upbringing/knowing their family well/knowing them a long time and discussing very personal things to a degree that would give me this confidence.

Whatever. The “good, supportive, tight knit” families aren’t immune to abuse and trauma. They tend to be better at hiding it, IME, because they have an image to maintain. And high achieving families (you’re implying they’re wealthy) sometimes have high standards that some kids feel they can’t live up to. Especially if there’s an undiagnosed learning disability like adhd or dyslexia, or mental health condition like anxiety or depression. You have no way of knowing if multiple people from multiple families are hiding such things, or if parents are refusing to acknowledge or treat them, because their kids aren’t broken (this used to be way more common when today’s adults with kids were children themselves). So much about abuse is hidden, you really can’t know. How do you think stepdads/family members/clergy/Boy Scout leaders are able to molest children so often? It’s a mix of sneakiness, victims feeling ashamed, and bystanders choosing willful blindness. And that’s just overt sexual abuse, not even something subtle like verbal abuse or emotional abuse.

I’m not saying everyone who’s mean was abused, but I think with what you’re presenting here, you’re making a lot of assumptions. Your insistence that they had no trauma and their parents were absolutely great seems like a big leap, except possibly if you’re talking about siblings, because a lot of golden children don’t realize they got special treatment.

You seem like you want us to say they’re broken or bad people, but usually there’s a reason for people to behave poorly. We often don’t know that reason. Ultimately it doesn’t matter. If you don’t like them, stop being around them. If you find that many people are being mean to you for no reason, look at your choices-are you choosing to be around a certain type of people who have some kind of negativity they’re expressing toward you, or are you doing something to provoke negative reactions without realizing it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

That's... not an answer. If it isn't family dysfunction or poor parenting that causes this behavior, what is it? What are people "going through" that causes people with good parents and happy childhoods to be unkind or even cruel?

Grief
Illness
Divorce
Addiction
Adultery
Financial troubles
Job instability

Or any other adverse condition that happens to adults over their lifetime

The people I'm talking about are not going through divorce, illness, job instability, or financial troubles. And they are protected from the last two because of comfortable backgrounds that helped ensure they started out life with the best possible education and a lot of financial stability.

Why would someone with loving, supportive family and no childhood trauma develop addiction issues? Does that actually happen? Everyone I know with addiction and mental health issues can trace it at least in part to childhood issues.

So that leaves grief and adultery. Which sure, can befall anyone. But shouldn't someone from a loving, supportive, UMC or UC home know of ways to handle those things that don't involve treating other people terribly?

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but these responses are still not explaining why someone who has the background we'd all like to give our children (presumably) would behave in ways that are unequivocally unkind.

I mean, I dated a woman who came from a really kind, supportive UMC family, and she had zero conflict resolution skills because her parents never modeled that for her. They always did the whisper arguments behind closed doors so their kids would never hear them "fighting". She assumed that if a couple argued that meant the relationship was over.

So, unless you modeled specific coping strategies for your kids for all scenarios (impossible) , they might struggle to react perfectly as adults to various adverse situations.