“Your baby isn’t invited.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be great if more of these events (baby showers, bridal showers, weddings, etc.) allowed kids. But I think what people are not understanding is that in cultures where kids get invited to everything, there is also a cultural expectation that people other than a child's mother will participate in minding the kids. And at an event like a baby shower, the expectation would be that there are people on hand to watch the kids, perhaps in another room or outside, white the guest of honor and hosts do their thing.

In the US, we have created this (incredibly unrealistic! misogynist! confining!) expectation that children are ONLY parented by their parents, and especially the mom. So everyone is envisioning a baby shower where it's just women, they all have kids, and they are all trying to do typical shower events while the kids are demanding to be fed and played with. That DOES sound stressful. Maybe one pre-mobile baby or two, but a bunch of toddlers or older kids? That would be really hard.

Imagine a baby shower where (1) the entire community is invited, including men and children, even older children, neighbors you're close to, etc., and (2) where the event itself is more expansive and everyone works together to celebrate the new parents, whether that means serving cake or keeping track of gifts or minding the kids pregnant.

Like think of how radical it would be if kids were there and the men present took charge of watching them to give the women a chance to talk with and celebrate the expecting mom, answering questions about pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum experience as appropriate. And then also time for the father-to-be to have the same experience. Aunts and grandmas and cousins and neighbors around to help as well.

You are all imagining kids at this event as being very burdensome to the women present, because we are stuck in this paradigm where if your kid is somewhere, you are 100% responsible for them at all times, and where communities don't operate in this interconnected way. So yes, in that set up, most moms are going to think "ugh, no, I'd rather leave the baby at home with a sitter or my spouse and then at least I don't have to stress."

It's honestly sad. No wonder parents are so stressed. There is no break. If you aren't watching your kids, you're paying someone to do it, and that's your entire life from the moment they are born until they are old enough to be left alone.

And the attitude of “kids aren’t allowed here” directly correlates to this. Both because of it, and as a reason for it. “Adults should be able to adult, kid-free, for fun events!” is a bizarre mind frame to have if you are a member of a family. Kids are a part of our society not something to be ignored / pay someone to take away so you can live your “real” life on the weekends. It’s so, so, SO weird. The baby shower you describe is how my family functions and I don’t think it’s that unusual in the vast majority of the country.

You're the weird one. Some things are for adults and some things are for kids and some things are family events. It's ok to separate and cut the cord once in awhile.

Right, can we have three hours with something being kid-centered? Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be great if more of these events (baby showers, bridal showers, weddings, etc.) allowed kids. But I think what people are not understanding is that in cultures where kids get invited to everything, there is also a cultural expectation that people other than a child's mother will participate in minding the kids. And at an event like a baby shower, the expectation would be that there are people on hand to watch the kids, perhaps in another room or outside, white the guest of honor and hosts do their thing.

In the US, we have created this (incredibly unrealistic! misogynist! confining!) expectation that children are ONLY parented by their parents, and especially the mom. So everyone is envisioning a baby shower where it's just women, they all have kids, and they are all trying to do typical shower events while the kids are demanding to be fed and played with. That DOES sound stressful. Maybe one pre-mobile baby or two, but a bunch of toddlers or older kids? That would be really hard.

Imagine a baby shower where (1) the entire community is invited, including men and children, even older children, neighbors you're close to, etc., and (2) where the event itself is more expansive and everyone works together to celebrate the new parents, whether that means serving cake or keeping track of gifts or minding the kids pregnant.

Like think of how radical it would be if kids were there and the men present took charge of watching them to give the women a chance to talk with and celebrate the expecting mom, answering questions about pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum experience as appropriate. And then also time for the father-to-be to have the same experience. Aunts and grandmas and cousins and neighbors around to help as well.

You are all imagining kids at this event as being very burdensome to the women present, because we are stuck in this paradigm where if your kid is somewhere, you are 100% responsible for them at all times, and where communities don't operate in this interconnected way. So yes, in that set up, most moms are going to think "ugh, no, I'd rather leave the baby at home with a sitter or my spouse and then at least I don't have to stress."

It's honestly sad. No wonder parents are so stressed. There is no break. If you aren't watching your kids, you're paying someone to do it, and that's your entire life from the moment they are born until they are old enough to be left alone.

What a selfish diatribe.

If I'm hosting a shower, I'd rather host it for 15 women. I don't want 15 women + 15 spouses + tons of little kids. Who has room for all that? Don't you realize how expensive showers are to host?

"Aunts and grandmas and cousins and neighbors"? Most women I know have two showers. A family shower and then a friends shower. When my friends and I host a shower we don't have the room or finances to host every family member of both the new mom and new dad.

And no, most moms aren't stressed to leave their kids home with dad for 2 hours. Sheesh. Your dh must be a terrible dad if he can't handle that. I'm sick of men getting off the hook for everything. Marry better men!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be great if more of these events (baby showers, bridal showers, weddings, etc.) allowed kids. But I think what people are not understanding is that in cultures where kids get invited to everything, there is also a cultural expectation that people other than a child's mother will participate in minding the kids. And at an event like a baby shower, the expectation would be that there are people on hand to watch the kids, perhaps in another room or outside, white the guest of honor and hosts do their thing.

In the US, we have created this (incredibly unrealistic! misogynist! confining!) expectation that children are ONLY parented by their parents, and especially the mom. So everyone is envisioning a baby shower where it's just women, they all have kids, and they are all trying to do typical shower events while the kids are demanding to be fed and played with. That DOES sound stressful. Maybe one pre-mobile baby or two, but a bunch of toddlers or older kids? That would be really hard.

Imagine a baby shower where (1) the entire community is invited, including men and children, even older children, neighbors you're close to, etc., and (2) where the event itself is more expansive and everyone works together to celebrate the new parents, whether that means serving cake or keeping track of gifts or minding the kids pregnant.

Like think of how radical it would be if kids were there and the men present took charge of watching them to give the women a chance to talk with and celebrate the expecting mom, answering questions about pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum experience as appropriate. And then also time for the father-to-be to have the same experience. Aunts and grandmas and cousins and neighbors around to help as well.

You are all imagining kids at this event as being very burdensome to the women present, because we are stuck in this paradigm where if your kid is somewhere, you are 100% responsible for them at all times, and where communities don't operate in this interconnected way. So yes, in that set up, most moms are going to think "ugh, no, I'd rather leave the baby at home with a sitter or my spouse and then at least I don't have to stress."

It's honestly sad. No wonder parents are so stressed. There is no break. If you aren't watching your kids, you're paying someone to do it, and that's your entire life from the moment they are born until they are old enough to be left alone.

What a selfish diatribe.

If I'm hosting a shower, I'd rather host it for 15 women. I don't want 15 women + 15 spouses + tons of little kids. Who has room for all that? Don't you realize how expensive showers are to host?

"Aunts and grandmas and cousins and neighbors"? Most women I know have two showers. A family shower and then a friends shower. When my friends and I host a shower we don't have the room or finances to host every family member of both the new mom and new dad.

And no, most moms aren't stressed to leave their kids home with dad for 2 hours. Sheesh. Your dh must be a terrible dad if he can't handle that. I'm sick of men getting off the hook for everything. Marry better men!

The men can just watch the kids from home. They don't all need to come to a party and watch them there. The men don't want to be there anyway. But this idea that the whole family must move in tandem and be together all the time is weird. That's the break, sometimes we do things separately. It's healthy for everyone. Does the PP not have any hobbies that they do on their own without their immediate family along every step of the way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. People don't want to childproof or change diapers or hear the crying/screaming. They want a few hours off from all that.

These people are all first time parents, though. No one is screaming at their houses. They aren’t hosting in their homes so they aren’t childproofing and they definitely wouldn’t be changing other children’s diapers.

The truth is, small kids are annoying. Especially if you don’t have any yet. But even for someone whose kids are somewhat older they aren’t.
I have a friend who has great difficulty showing up anywhere without her kids. I wouldn’t miss her at an event like this tbh. She complained that she can’t establish friendships. Gee I wonder why.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why you’d expect kids to be more welcome at a baby shower than any other type of party for adults?

[Anonymous]

I've been to baby showers with infants present but not toddlers. That's a whole different thing. A baby shower with a toddler sounds terrible for everyone, especially the toddler. They are barely tolerable to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[list]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a two year old son. In the last two years I’ve been to several baby showers, and all of them have been child free events. Two of them said that they’d rather no babies because it wouldn’t be as fun for their mothers (lol, like watching the mother-to-be unwrap gifts and guessing how big her belly is with a ribbon is tremendous fun). The third specifically said that children are not invited. I wasn’t planning to bring my son (the shower falls during nap time) so I’m not offended, but I think this is strange! Am I wrong? Aren’t baby showers typically baby friendly?

Your two year old isn't a baby. A baby is different than a 2 year old toddler. No, they aren't always baby friendly and you have a toddler, not a baby.

I said that I’ve been to several in the last two years since he was born. I didn’t think I had to say both baby and toddler in the title for you to understand.

For those saying the hosts are probably tired of having children around, they were all hosted by the future grandmother. They don’t have small children and haven’t in decades.

Again, I didn’t plan on bringing my kid, but I think it’s very weird to celebrate a baby’s impending birth by banning other babies from attendance. A shower, which we all know is just a gift grab, really isn’t worth a sitter.

Then don't go.

You sound really self centered by the way.

Why self centered? I have no plan to bring my kid, I just think it’s bizarre to expect people to come to a party to celebrate a future baby and get sitters for their own. I hope those mothers don’t anticipate their children will be welcome at any of their friends’ parties anytime soon.

Like most people I know, I go because I have to. Does anyone enjoy baby showers? I truly can’t imagine why any adult would want to play the ridiculous shower games and watch presents be opened for an hour and a half.

You don’t have to. I absolve you from attendance at all future showers, provided you send a gift.

But other than a very new baby— which wouldn’t be smart to have in a group anyway but if it was a siblings shower or something— babies don’t really belong at showers. It’s not a playdate and it’s not about your child.

Provided you send a gift? Lololol

Yes I assume OP doesn’t want a reputation for being cheap and stingy as well as overly entitled?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[list]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a two year old son. In the last two years I’ve been to several baby showers, and all of them have been child free events. Two of them said that they’d rather no babies because it wouldn’t be as fun for their mothers (lol, like watching the mother-to-be unwrap gifts and guessing how big her belly is with a ribbon is tremendous fun). The third specifically said that children are not invited. I wasn’t planning to bring my son (the shower falls during nap time) so I’m not offended, but I think this is strange! Am I wrong? Aren’t baby showers typically baby friendly?

Your two year old isn't a baby. A baby is different than a 2 year old toddler. No, they aren't always baby friendly and you have a toddler, not a baby.

I said that I’ve been to several in the last two years since he was born. I didn’t think I had to say both baby and toddler in the title for you to understand.

For those saying the hosts are probably tired of having children around, they were all hosted by the future grandmother. They don’t have small children and haven’t in decades.

Again, I didn’t plan on bringing my kid, but I think it’s very weird to celebrate a baby’s impending birth by banning other babies from attendance. A shower, which we all know is just a gift grab, really isn’t worth a sitter.

Then don't go.

You sound really self centered by the way.

Why self centered? I have no plan to bring my kid, I just think it’s bizarre to expect people to come to a party to celebrate a future baby and get sitters for their own. I hope those mothers don’t anticipate their children will be welcome at any of their friends’ parties anytime soon.

Like most people I know, I go because I have to. Does anyone enjoy baby showers? I truly can’t imagine why any adult would want to play the ridiculous shower games and watch presents be opened for an hour and a half.

Re-read your post and then think about why we might think you sound self centered. I go to baby showers to celebrate my friend and their baby to be. I don't really think about if my kids are happy or if I am going to enjoy the games. The vast majority of baby showers I've been to haven't had the old fashioned games or gift opening, by the way, they're just lunches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two kinds of baby showers, the woman-only kind where kids are not brought because the ladies are drinking and the both-sexes kind where everyone brings their kids. Personally I think it's more fun at the woman-only kind because the men are all sitting around awkwardly and you can't talk freely about birth, etc.

At a baby shower? The guest of honor can't drink, it's rude to drink right in front of her at a party honoring her!

Girl, I insisted on serving alcohol at my baby shower. It's not brunch without mimosas. Why should I deny my friends mimosas just because I'm not drinking?

[Anonymous]

I've never been to a shower- wedding or baby- with kids

[Anonymous]

We had an everyone’s invited gift optional sprinklers in the backyard keg in the basement not a baby shower bbq. So fun. Not a diaper cake in site. Everyone relaxed. Handful of gifts we could open up with the person who gave it to us. I put my feet up. It was brilliant and a great way to see our friends before we essentially went underground for a bit.

Stuffy baby showers are dreadful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two kinds of baby showers, the woman-only kind where kids are not brought because the ladies are drinking and the both-sexes kind where everyone brings their kids. Personally I think it's more fun at the woman-only kind because the men are all sitting around awkwardly and you can't talk freely about birth, etc.

At a baby shower? The guest of honor can't drink, it's rude to drink right in front of her at a party honoring her!

Girl, I insisted on serving alcohol at my baby shower. It's not brunch without mimosas. Why should I deny my friends mimosas just because I'm not drinking?

I had half a glass of champagne at ours. Over an hour. It was warm by then but festive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[list]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a two year old son. In the last two years I’ve been to several baby showers, and all of them have been child free events. Two of them said that they’d rather no babies because it wouldn’t be as fun for their mothers (lol, like watching the mother-to-be unwrap gifts and guessing how big her belly is with a ribbon is tremendous fun). The third specifically said that children are not invited. I wasn’t planning to bring my son (the shower falls during nap time) so I’m not offended, but I think this is strange! Am I wrong? Aren’t baby showers typically baby friendly?

Your two year old isn't a baby. A baby is different than a 2 year old toddler. No, they aren't always baby friendly and you have a toddler, not a baby.

I said that I’ve been to several in the last two years since he was born. I didn’t think I had to say both baby and toddler in the title for you to understand.

For those saying the hosts are probably tired of having children around, they were all hosted by the future grandmother. They don’t have small children and haven’t in decades.

Again, I didn’t plan on bringing my kid, but I think it’s very weird to celebrate a baby’s impending birth by banning other babies from attendance. A shower, which we all know is just a gift grab, really isn’t worth a sitter.

Then don't go.

You sound really self centered by the way.

Why self centered? I have no plan to bring my kid, I just think it’s bizarre to expect people to come to a party to celebrate a future baby and get sitters for their own. I hope those mothers don’t anticipate their children will be welcome at any of their friends’ parties anytime soon.

Like most people I know, I go because I have to. Does anyone enjoy baby showers? I truly can’t imagine why any adult would want to play the ridiculous shower games and watch presents be opened for an hour and a half.

Please stay home then and spare your friends.

Why do you need a sitter? What is your SO doing?

He’s a doctor. I don’t have someone to tag team with on most weekends. Not every woman or person has a spouse who works a 9-5. I see a lot of posts on this thread about why women who often bring their kids places shouldn’t expect to have friends. It’s really narrow minded. You’re a terrible friend if you can’t imagine that other women lack some of your flexibility to dump your children on other people. Frankly, if I’m taking the time away from my own kid and arranging childcare, the event has to be worth it. Egg salad and watching you open sixty identical onesies is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[list]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a two year old son. In the last two years I’ve been to several baby showers, and all of them have been child free events. Two of them said that they’d rather no babies because it wouldn’t be as fun for their mothers (lol, like watching the mother-to-be unwrap gifts and guessing how big her belly is with a ribbon is tremendous fun). The third specifically said that children are not invited. I wasn’t planning to bring my son (the shower falls during nap time) so I’m not offended, but I think this is strange! Am I wrong? Aren’t baby showers typically baby friendly?

Your two year old isn't a baby. A baby is different than a 2 year old toddler. No, they aren't always baby friendly and you have a toddler, not a baby.

I said that I’ve been to several in the last two years since he was born. I didn’t think I had to say both baby and toddler in the title for you to understand.

For those saying the hosts are probably tired of having children around, they were all hosted by the future grandmother. They don’t have small children and haven’t in decades.

Again, I didn’t plan on bringing my kid, but I think it’s very weird to celebrate a baby’s impending birth by banning other babies from attendance. A shower, which we all know is just a gift grab, really isn’t worth a sitter.

Then don't go.

You sound really self centered by the way.

Why self centered? I have no plan to bring my kid, I just think it’s bizarre to expect people to come to a party to celebrate a future baby and get sitters for their own. I hope those mothers don’t anticipate their children will be welcome at any of their friends’ parties anytime soon.

Like most people I know, I go because I have to. Does anyone enjoy baby showers? I truly can’t imagine why any adult would want to play the ridiculous shower games and watch presents be opened for an hour and a half.

Please stay home then and spare your friends.

Why do you need a sitter? What is your SO doing?

He’s a doctor. I don’t have someone to tag team with on most weekends. Not every woman or person has a spouse who works a 9-5. I see a lot of posts on this thread about why women who often bring their kids places shouldn’t expect to have friends. It’s really narrow minded. You’re a terrible friend if you can’t imagine that other women lack some of your flexibility to dump your children on other people. Frankly, if I’m taking the time away from my own kid and arranging childcare, the event has to be worth it. Egg salad and watching you open sixty identical onesies is not.

Then the advice you’ve been given is perfect: don’t go. But complaining that invitations are not crafted for your preferences is entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[list]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a two year old son. In the last two years I’ve been to several baby showers, and all of them have been child free events. Two of them said that they’d rather no babies because it wouldn’t be as fun for their mothers (lol, like watching the mother-to-be unwrap gifts and guessing how big her belly is with a ribbon is tremendous fun). The third specifically said that children are not invited. I wasn’t planning to bring my son (the shower falls during nap time) so I’m not offended, but I think this is strange! Am I wrong? Aren’t baby showers typically baby friendly?

Your two year old isn't a baby. A baby is different than a 2 year old toddler. No, they aren't always baby friendly and you have a toddler, not a baby.

I said that I’ve been to several in the last two years since he was born. I didn’t think I had to say both baby and toddler in the title for you to understand.

For those saying the hosts are probably tired of having children around, they were all hosted by the future grandmother. They don’t have small children and haven’t in decades.

Again, I didn’t plan on bringing my kid, but I think it’s very weird to celebrate a baby’s impending birth by banning other babies from attendance. A shower, which we all know is just a gift grab, really isn’t worth a sitter.

Then don't go.

You sound really self centered by the way.

Why self centered? I have no plan to bring my kid, I just think it’s bizarre to expect people to come to a party to celebrate a future baby and get sitters for their own. I hope those mothers don’t anticipate their children will be welcome at any of their friends’ parties anytime soon.

Like most people I know, I go because I have to. Does anyone enjoy baby showers? I truly can’t imagine why any adult would want to play the ridiculous shower games and watch presents be opened for an hour and a half.

Please stay home then and spare your friends.

Why do you need a sitter? What is your SO doing?

He’s a doctor. I don’t have someone to tag team with on most weekends. Not every woman or person has a spouse who works a 9-5. I see a lot of posts on this thread about why women who often bring their kids places shouldn’t expect to have friends. It’s really narrow minded. You’re a terrible friend if you can’t imagine that other women lack some of your flexibility to dump your children on other people. Frankly, if I’m taking the time away from my own kid and arranging childcare, the event has to be worth it. Egg salad and watching you open sixty identical onesies is not.

Then the advice you’ve been given is perfect: don’t go. But complaining that invitations are not crafted for your preferences is entitled.

Okay, but that’s not what happened. I said I had no intention of bringing my child. I said that I think it’s ridiculous to throw world’s worst party in celebration of impending birth and demand that everyone else leave their baby at home, and was wondering if this is common practice.