Why is it taboo for adult children to leech off their parents, but not for parents to leech off their adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a spoiled 18-24 year old asking this.
Stats show Parents spend approx. $300,000 raising a child until age 18, plus tons more if they pay for college. That is enough.

For this, an adult child should then return the gift and help care for a parent for the last 5-10 years of their life when they become frail and need care. That’s the circle of life.

An adult age 22ish- age 60 shouldn’t need help or be leeching off anyone.

This. Parents spend money on their kids that they could have used to save for retirement, so they have less savings at retirement than if they didn't have kids. Or they could have used the money spent on kids to take great vacations.

Point is, they sacrificed one way or another.

"The kids didn't ask to be born" is a cop-out. If you asked any of these kids I'm certain they'd all say they're glad to be alive. They're also glad their parents put a roof over their heads and fed them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad I'm not in this situation but I would not have abundant empathy for my parents' problems if they refused to have any empathy for my problems when I was younger. I know of a lot of parents of adult children who think that the world worked exactly as it did when they were fresh out of high school, so they refused to give their kids any financial help (or babysitting) at all after they graduated from high school. If I had a parent like that I'd be so tempted to say "you knew you'd get old, why didn't you prepare for it financially? That was your problem and you failed and I guess you have to deal with the consequences." I wouldn't do it because I'd feel guilty but the entitlement of some of these people is astounding.

Surprise, your parent was paying for piano lessons and putting you through college instead of saving every last penny for retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever a parent creates a thread complaining about adult child living with them, many of the comments are along the lines of "They're an adult. Let them hit the streets and fend for themselves." To be fair, I can kind of see where these people are coming from. The OP's of these threads have no legal obligations towards their kids, and the commenters are advising the OP to just play it cold. However, the same logic doesn't seem to apply whenever an adult child creates a thread complaining about their parents living them. Suddenly the comments are along the lines of "They're your parent. How could you even think of throwing them on the streets and letting them fend for themselves?"

In the latter situation, I do understand that people think the since the OP's parents took care of them, it's only fair for the OP to now take care of their parents. But the thing is, the OP didn't ask to be born. The OP's parents chose to bring them into the world. The OP's parents signed up for the responsibility of raising them. If they didn't want that burden, they didn't have to become parents in the first place. The OP, on the other hand, signed up for no such responsibility. I understand that family should be there for each other regardless of legal obligations(or lack thereof), but I don't understand why this is so one-sided.

If parents've done right by their children and are in need now or if children are loving and trying to do good, supporting each other isn't leeching, its caring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad I'm not in this situation but I would not have abundant empathy for my parents' problems if they refused to have any empathy for my problems when I was younger. I know of a lot of parents of adult children who think that the world worked exactly as it did when they were fresh out of high school, so they refused to give their kids any financial help (or babysitting) at all after they graduated from high school. If I had a parent like that I'd be so tempted to say "you knew you'd get old, why didn't you prepare for it financially? That was your problem and you failed and I guess you have to deal with the consequences." I wouldn't do it because I'd feel guilty but the entitlement of some of these people is astounding.

Surprise, your parent was paying for piano lessons and putting you through college instead of saving every last penny for retirement.

This^. Mine did both but just not enough could be saved for any luxury or retirement after providing best opportunities for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What we need is safe and supportive childcare and eldercare in this world. These are basics, weapons and designer goods aren't. We as a society should be supportive to each other.

Traditionally, family filled those roles.

But when in your 40s, full time job, menopause, demanding kids and also need to look after your parents...


... you get suicidal.

The in-family eldercare has gone the way of the dodo, except in countries where household help is still cheap, or in places so underdeveloped that women are always home.

Yep. There is no way for one person to do it all.

Caregiving (child and elder) is an incredibly important cornerstone of society that is so depressingly undervalued. And now that women have better options than the bear the brunt of it themselves, we are realizing how much exploitation of generally female unpaid labor was used to keep society going.

Even now still, many caregiver positions (daycares, nursing homes, etc.) are wildly underpaid and cost more than many households can absorb. We need to stop looking at this as some individual problem that families need to just figure out how to solve with the good ole pulling up of bootstraps and realize it’s a societal issue. I still don’t understand how we aren’t more evolved yet in this regard. The early childcare are financially crushing for many families and most families can’t afford (time or money-wise) raise children and take care of aging parents without a mental breakdown.

[Anonymous]

Some of you are too entitled to see the contradiction between

"My parents should not only help me through college, they should also help me in my 20s with rent/car/down payment/wedding."

and

"Mom and dad don't have any retirement savings, that's their fault so why should I help them out?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a spoiled 18-24 year old asking this.
Stats show Parents spend approx. $300,000 raising a child until age 18, plus tons more if they pay for college. That is enough.

For this, an adult child should then return the gift and help care for a parent for the last 5-10 years of their life when they become frail and need care. That’s the circle of life.

An adult age 22ish- age 60 shouldn’t need help or be leeching off anyone.

No child asked to be born whereas the parent chose to take on the responsibility of raising a child.

That aside, there are a lot of crummy parents out there and the ones I’ve seen with the biggest “my kids owe me” are the ones who did nothing to save or set themselves up in retirement. Often this is cultural and I’ve seen it play out with friend who married into families with parents who lived pretty high on the hog spending paycheck to paycheck and now feel their child should care for them, often not just for a last few handful of years but potentially a couple decades. It’s so unreasonable.

And I imagine if you’re a kind, generous parent who treated your kids very well and you did the best you could to save, your kids will feel more inclined to want to help you if they can. But the expectation that your kids are going to just keep bankrolling you at the lifestyle you are accustomed to in old age is literal narcissism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a spoiled 18-24 year old asking this.
Stats show Parents spend approx. $300,000 raising a child until age 18, plus tons more if they pay for college. That is enough.

For this, an adult child should then return the gift and help care for a parent for the last 5-10 years of their life when they become frail and need care. That’s the circle of life.

An adult age 22ish- age 60 shouldn’t need help or be leeching off anyone.

No child asked to be born whereas the parent chose to take on the responsibility of raising a child.

That aside, there are a lot of crummy parents out there and the ones I’ve seen with the biggest “my kids owe me” are the ones who did nothing to save or set themselves up in retirement. Often this is cultural and I’ve seen it play out with friend who married into families with parents who lived pretty high on the hog spending paycheck to paycheck and now feel their child should care for them, often not just for a last few handful of years but potentially a couple decades. It’s so unreasonable.

And I imagine if you’re a kind, generous parent who treated your kids very well and you did the best you could to save, your kids will feel more inclined to want to help you if they can. But the expectation that your kids are going to just keep bankrolling you at the lifestyle you are accustomed to in old age is literal narcissism.

Why don't you ask some adult children if they wanted to be born. Pretty sure 99% will say yes. That argument is really dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a spoiled 18-24 year old asking this.
Stats show Parents spend approx. $300,000 raising a child until age 18, plus tons more if they pay for college. That is enough.

For this, an adult child should then return the gift and help care for a parent for the last 5-10 years of their life when they become frail and need care. That’s the circle of life.

An adult age 22ish- age 60 shouldn’t need help or be leeching off anyone.

No child asked to be born whereas the parent chose to take on the responsibility of raising a child.

That aside, there are a lot of crummy parents out there and the ones I’ve seen with the biggest “my kids owe me” are the ones who did nothing to save or set themselves up in retirement. Often this is cultural and I’ve seen it play out with friend who married into families with parents who lived pretty high on the hog spending paycheck to paycheck and now feel their child should care for them, often not just for a last few handful of years but potentially a couple decades. It’s so unreasonable.

And I imagine if you’re a kind, generous parent who treated your kids very well and you did the best you could to save, your kids will feel more inclined to want to help you if they can. But the expectation that your kids are going to just keep bankrolling you at the lifestyle you are accustomed to in old age is literal narcissism.

Why don't you ask some adult children if they wanted to be born. Pretty sure 99% will say yes. That argument is really dumb.

I think you assume wrong. Most people understand they wouldn’t have known if they weren’t born. Life can be a slog and a struggle. Suicide is a leading cause of death in this country. If being alive means you are financially responsible for yourself and your parents in a country where the elder generation has created policies that have led to ever-increasing income inequality, I think a lot of people would not choose that.

DH and I have been very aggressive with saving for retirement since before our kids were born. I have chosen to stay in a fed position because the pension and lifelong healthcare (I was hired long enough ago that I contribute only .9% so I realize I’m lucky).

Our children are our responsibility. We are not theirs. I just hope that someday, if they choose to have children, they will similarly save for themselves while also doing their best to provide their family a nice life. If we can help out with down payments and childcare we will the way our parents helped us. If you want your family to have continued upward mobility or at least stay in the UMC, then you model good saving and investing habits and help your children out at points along the way like being able to get on the property ladder when they are still somewhat young. You do not create an anchor for them that will stop them from being able to lean into their careers or afford to have a family of their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What we need is safe and supportive childcare and eldercare in this world. These are basics, weapons and designer goods aren't. We as a society should be supportive to each other.

Traditionally, family filled those roles.

But when in your 40s, full time job, menopause, demanding kids and also need to look after your parents...


... you get suicidal.

The in-family eldercare has gone the way of the dodo, except in countries where household help is still cheap, or in places so underdeveloped that women are always home.

Yep. There is no way for one person to do it all.

Caregiving (child and elder) is an incredibly important cornerstone of society that is so depressingly undervalued. And now that women have better options than the bear the brunt of it themselves, we are realizing how much exploitation of generally female unpaid labor was used to keep society going.

Even now still, many caregiver positions (daycares, nursing homes, etc.) are wildly underpaid and cost more than many households can absorb. We need to stop looking at this as some individual problem that families need to just figure out how to solve with the good ole pulling up of bootstraps and realize it’s a societal issue. I still don’t understand how we aren’t more evolved yet in this regard. The early childcare are financially crushing for many families and most families can’t afford (time or money-wise) raise children and take care of aging parents without a mental breakdown.

This^. Women are supposed to be default caregivers for childhood, special needs, illness, disability,trauma, accident, laziness, addiction, disasters mental health, aging, dying ... you name it.

[Anonymous]

Do you not feel any responsibility towards your parents and have no wish to return the live, kindness, care, education, resources they provided to even though they could've spent energy and money on better lifestyle and retirement.

There is no real compulsion for parents to care and provide for their children. There are many who only offer abortions, neglect, abuse, selfishness, broken families, alcoholism etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a spoiled 18-24 year old asking this.
Stats show Parents spend approx. $300,000 raising a child until age 18, plus tons more if they pay for college. That is enough.

For this, an adult child should then return the gift and help care for a parent for the last 5-10 years of their life when they become frail and need care. That’s the circle of life.

An adult age 22ish- age 60 shouldn’t need help or be leeching off anyone.

This. Parents spend money on their kids that they could have used to save for retirement, so they have less savings at retirement than if they didn't have kids. Or they could have used the money spent on kids to take great vacations.

Point is, they sacrificed one way or another.

"The kids didn't ask to be born" is a cop-out. If you asked any of these kids I'm certain they'd all say they're glad to be alive. They're also glad their parents put a roof over their heads and fed them.

Those kinds of sacrifices are meant to be paid forwards, not backwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whenever a parent creates a thread complaining about adult child living with them, many of the comments are along the lines of "They're an adult. Let them hit the streets and fend for themselves." To be fair, I can kind of see where these people are coming from. The OP's of these threads have no legal obligations towards their kids, and the commenters are advising the OP to just play it cold. However, the same logic doesn't seem to apply whenever an adult child creates a thread complaining about their parents living them. Suddenly the comments are along the lines of "They're your parent. How could you even think of throwing them on the streets and letting them fend for themselves?"

In the latter situation, I do understand that people think the since the OP's parents took care of them, it's only fair for the OP to now take care of their parents. But the thing is, the OP didn't ask to be born. The OP's parents chose to bring them into the world. The OP's parents signed up for the responsibility of raising them. If they didn't want that burden, they didn't have to become parents in the first place. The OP, on the other hand, signed up for no such responsibility. I understand that family should be there for each other regardless of legal obligations(or lack thereof), but I don't understand why this is so one-sided.

If parents've done right by their children and are in need now or if children are loving and trying to do good, supporting each other isn't leeching, its caring.

What if an adult child is in need?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are too entitled to see the contradiction between

"My parents should not only help me through college, they should also help me in my 20s with rent/car/down payment/wedding."

and

"Mom and dad don't have any retirement savings, that's their fault so why should I help them out?"

Those are luxuries. I'm talking about adult children who can't afford food/shelter/comfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you not feel any responsibility towards your parents and have no wish to return the live, kindness, care, education, resources they provided to even though they could've spent energy and money on better lifestyle and retirement.

There is no real compulsion for parents to care and provide for their children. There are many who only offer abortions, neglect, abuse, selfishness, broken families, alcoholism etc etc.

Parents who make those kinds of sacrifices clearly want their children to have as comfortable of a lifestyle as possible. And I don't think many people would define comfort as having their space infringed upon by elders.