Why is it taboo for adult children to leech off their parents, but not for parents to leech off their adult children?
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Anonymous
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Whenever a parent creates a thread complaining about adult child living with them, many of the comments are along the lines of "They're an adult. Let them hit the streets and fend for themselves." To be fair, I can kind of see where these people are coming from. The OP's of these threads have no legal obligations towards their kids, and the commenters are advising the OP to just play it cold. However, the same logic doesn't seem to apply whenever an adult child creates a thread complaining about their parents living them. Suddenly the comments are along the lines of "They're your parent. How could you even think of throwing them on the streets and letting them fend for themselves?"
In the latter situation, I do understand that people think the since the OP's parents took care of them, it's only fair for the OP to now take care of their parents. But the thing is, the OP didn't ask to be born. The OP's parents chose to bring them into the world. The OP's parents signed up for the responsibility of raising them. If they didn't want that burden, they didn't have to become parents in the first place. The OP, on the other hand, signed up for no such responsibility. I understand that family should be there for each other regardless of legal obligations(or lack thereof), but I don't understand why this is so one-sided. |
Anonymous
| This is really a cultural issue and values differ. In my family, resources flow downstream. Each generation takes care of themselves and their kids before helping parents (or more extended relatives.) |
Anonymous
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In my own view, we are responsible for raising our own adult children to independence.
That includes teaching them to live within their means and keep their loan/CC debt to a minimum. If they do that they should not need monetary support from their aging parents. I do not think that adult children are obligated to take in their financially insolvent parents. If they want to do that, fine. But I would never expect my kids to do that for me nor would I put them in the position of having to support me. Their focus must be on their careers, keeping a roof over their heads, their own marriages, etc. If I ever have the need for a roommate, I'll do a Golden Girls type house share with friends. |
Anonymous
| Neither is good but if parents spent most of their resources on their children, getting some help in old age isn't leeching off. Children are only supposed to get help until they aren't adult so afterwards its leeching off to get help from retired parents. |
Anonymous
I wouldn't say "neither are good." I can think of lots of situations where it would make sense for an adult child to live with their parents or for an aging parent to live with their kids. I actually would like to move to a house with enough space from my MIL to come stay with us because I think it would be easier for her and for us as she gets older -- she just isn't doing great on her own and living with us is preferable to an old folks home for a variety of reasons. The issue is the attitude of "leeching off" going either direction. If my adult child was struggling and needed a place to stay, I'd provide it. There would be boundaries and good communication, and no adult is living in my home and contributing nothing. But no, I'm not kicking my kid to the curb and saying "figure it out." I love her. Likewise, my MIL is not destitute, she just probably shouldn't be living alone at this point. We wouldn't charge her rent per se but I would assume that she'd contribute financially to the household for things like food and bills, as we aren't really in a position to fully support her (nor should we have to -- she has a pension and savings). In a functional family these issues are not so loaded and families can just care for each other. |
Anonymous
It depends who has more resources and who has more needs. No? |
Anonymous
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What we need is safe and supportive childcare and eldercare in this world. These are basics, weapons and designer goods aren't. We as a society should be supportive to each other. |
Anonymous
+ googolplex |
Anonymous
Traditionally, family filled those roles. |
Anonymous
But when in your 40s, full time job, menopause, demanding kids and also need to look after your parents... ... you get suicidal. The in-family eldercare has gone the way of the dodo, except in countries where household help is still cheap, or in places so underdeveloped that women are always home. |
Anonymous
Yep. There is no way for one person to do it all. |
Anonymous
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I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.
I didn’t want to help my parents because I didn’t agree with the way they lived (it was my mother’s ideas) and because she never ever helped me after I turned 18. When she died, and dad was free to live a relatively normal life, I started helping him financially (though he isn’t in debt, just lives very very modestly). I think it’s not fair when your parents or your adult kids struggle, and you have enough and then some, but still don’t help them. Unless the parent or the child was very unkind to you/brought you a lot of grief. I am planning to help my kid when he grows up as much as I can. For my mother, she could have given me some token money and it would have meant the world to me. I am going to do for my child what she never did for me. For my dad, my plan is to help him live in dignity. Food, roof over his head, clothes, medical care. He is more or less independent now but if he needs help I will help him. This is because he was generally kind to me even though he was completely under the orders of my not so kind mother. So I think you reap what you sow, more or less. If you are kind, your relatives are kind to you (provided they are mentally stable). |
Anonymous
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You sound like a spoiled 18-24 year old asking this.
Stats show Parents spend approx. $300,000 raising a child until age 18, plus tons more if they pay for college. That is enough. For this, an adult child should then return the gift and help care for a parent for the last 5-10 years of their life when they become frail and need care. That’s the circle of life. An adult age 22ish- age 60 shouldn’t need help or be leeching off anyone. |
Anonymous
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Saying this “the OP didn't ask to be born. The OP's parents chose to bring them into the world.” screams that you are an immature irrational kid and entirely self-centered.
If adults didn’t keep procreating, population would die out completely. Do you get that? And if most parents didn’t sacrifice and try their best to raise decent human beings, the world would devolve into complete chaos. Come back after you raise a kid or 2, or do something else giving to society, and reevaluate your ideas |
Anonymous
Why would be wrong humans going extinct? Maybe that would be a good thing. We're destroying the planet as I type. |