Why is it taboo for adult children to leech off their parents, but not for parents to leech off their adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you not feel any responsibility towards your parents and have no wish to return the live, kindness, care, education, resources they provided to even though they could've spent energy and money on better lifestyle and retirement.

There is no real compulsion for parents to care and provide for their children. There are many who only offer abortions, neglect, abuse, selfishness, broken families, alcoholism etc etc.

That's all in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a spoiled 18-24 year old asking this.
Stats show Parents spend approx. $300,000 raising a child until age 18, plus tons more if they pay for college. That is enough.

For this, an adult child should then return the gift and help care for a parent for the last 5-10 years of their life when they become frail and need care. That’s the circle of life.

An adult age 22ish- age 60 shouldn’t need help or be leeching off anyone.

This. Parents spend money on their kids that they could have used to save for retirement, so they have less savings at retirement than if they didn't have kids. Or they could have used the money spent on kids to take great vacations.

Point is, they sacrificed one way or another.

"The kids didn't ask to be born" is a cop-out. If you asked any of these kids I'm certain they'd all say they're glad to be alive. They're also glad their parents put a roof over their heads and fed them.

That's all in the past

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are too entitled to see the contradiction between

"My parents should not only help me through college, they should also help me in my 20s with rent/car/down payment/wedding."

and

"Mom and dad don't have any retirement savings, that's their fault so why should I help them out?"

No, what I can't see the difference between is

"My parents should provide me with food and shelter if I need it and they can."

and

"I should provide my parents with food and shelter if they need it and I can."

My sister and my mother live together in another state. My mother “you need to talk to your sister; she’s always feeling down”. Me: “That’s because you wake her up 5X/night despite having help and say mean things”. Mother: “Oh”

[Anonymous]

I feel responsible for my children but not for my parents and in-laws. I also do not want my children to feel responsible for me. I find it entirely wrong and awful. I chose to have kids, but I didn't have a say in parents/in-laws's financial situation and never got help. This is why I intend to help my kids so they have it easier than we did.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there's anything wrong with parents helping their children when they really need it the most. I think the children should be helping themselves as well, though. If the child is able to work, they should be working a 40-hour a week job and saving up to improve their own lives, whether that's affording to rent an apartment (which is expensive these days) , or purchase a small starter home of their own. If they need to purchase a car or other big-ticket items, then they can save for that as well. Adult children with active savings and life-improvement goals living with parents or family to save up is perfectly acceptable, however, adult children laying around the house and doing nothing to improve themselves is another story entirely. "Leeching" off of parents is different than using a place to stay as a "launching pad" to improve their lives is perfectly acceptable.

None of that obviously applies to children with severe disabilities, substance addictions, etc. as yes, I understand, that not every adult works full time and is able to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a spoiled 18-24 year old asking this.
Stats show Parents spend approx. $300,000 raising a child until age 18, plus tons more if they pay for college. That is enough.

For this, an adult child should then return the gift and help care for a parent for the last 5-10 years of their life when they become frail and need care. That’s the circle of life.

An adult age 22ish- age 60 shouldn’t need help or be leeching off anyone.

What about their own kids? Isn't it the circle of life to care for the next generation?

[Anonymous]

Having had no help from anyone in any way, I feel compelled to do better for my kids and help them so they don't struggle or have it as hard as I did. To me taking care of kids well is a minimum duty you commit to when you have them. I therefore do not feel any obligation to help the previous generation that saw me struggle without helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a spoiled 18-24 year old asking this.
Stats show Parents spend approx. $300,000 raising a child until age 18, plus tons more if they pay for college. That is enough.

For this, an adult child should then return the gift and help care for a parent for the last 5-10 years of their life when they become frail and need care. That’s the circle of life.

An adult age 22ish- age 60 shouldn’t need help or be leeching off anyone.

This. Parents spend money on their kids that they could have used to save for retirement, so they have less savings at retirement than if they didn't have kids. Or they could have used the money spent on kids to take great vacations.

Point is, they sacrificed one way or another.

"The kids didn't ask to be born" is a cop-out. If you asked any of these kids I'm certain they'd all say they're glad to be alive. They're also glad their parents put a roof over their heads and fed them.

Wow, parents sacrificing for their children? How unheard of!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a spoiled 18-24 year old asking this.
Stats show Parents spend approx. $300,000 raising a child until age 18, plus tons more if they pay for college. That is enough.

For this, an adult child should then return the gift and help care for a parent for the last 5-10 years of their life when they become frail and need care. That’s the circle of life.

An adult age 22ish- age 60 shouldn’t need help or be leeching off anyone.

What about their own kids? Isn't it the circle of life to care for the next generation?

Both are important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are too entitled to see the contradiction between

"My parents should not only help me through college, they should also help me in my 20s with rent/car/down payment/wedding."

and

"Mom and dad don't have any retirement savings, that's their fault so why should I help them out?"

Retirement is a luxury, just like cars, houses, and weddings. It shouldn't be a given. It should be earned. If you can save up enough to retire on your own, then great, but expecting someone else to make sacrifices so that you can ample fun and free time is wrong. I don't see why an adult child should sacrifice their occasional bit of free time so that their parents can have nothing but free time.

You will see when you get old that it is much harder to work the older you get.

Retired people are not lazy, they are (often) tired or sick.

Well why didn’t they save up when they were younger and able to work? We all know old age is coming. And there are decades to save for retirement. Also, you get some SS money. Sure it’s not a lot, but with what savings you have, you should be able to eke out a modest life in a 1BR rental somewhere.

And what do people without kids do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a spoiled 18-24 year old asking this.
Stats show Parents spend approx. $300,000 raising a child until age 18, plus tons more if they pay for college. That is enough.

For this, an adult child should then return the gift and help care for a parent for the last 5-10 years of their life when they become frail and need care. That’s the circle of life.

An adult age 22ish- age 60 shouldn’t need help or be leeching off anyone.

This. Parents spend money on their kids that they could have used to save for retirement, so they have less savings at retirement than if they didn't have kids. Or they could have used the money spent on kids to take great vacations.

Point is, they sacrificed one way or another.

"The kids didn't ask to be born" is a cop-out. If you asked any of these kids I'm certain they'd all say they're glad to be alive. They're also glad their parents put a roof over their heads and fed them.

If you don't want to make sacrifices your kids, don't have any!

+100

I have 3 kids. We sacrifice constantly so they can go to nice camps, play travel sports, etc. I drive a non-fancy minivan.

And guess what. They are not my retirement plan. DH and I have been aggressively socking away money since our 20s to retire some day. When we met we both had < 6 figure jobs. We had roommates. We still saved as much as we could. Now I’m a fed with a TSP that is growing and will someday get a FERS pension. I have chosen this job in part for the pension + healthcare into retirement.

Our kids are not our retirement plan. No way do we want them to have to bail us out for our poor planning while they’re busy trying to raise families of their own. I’ve seen how much stress this causes friends of mine whose parents saved nothing (I’m early 40s now) whereas DH and I have been blessed with parents who can support themselves in retirement.

Only a narcissist would bring children into the world with the expectation that those children owe them anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What we need is safe and supportive childcare and eldercare in this world. These are basics, weapons and designer goods aren't. We as a society should be supportive to each other.

Traditionally, family filled those roles.

But when in your 40s, full time job, menopause, demanding kids and also need to look after your parents...


... you get suicidal.

The in-family eldercare has gone the way of the dodo, except in countries where household help is still cheap, or in places so underdeveloped that women are always home.

Finally someone who gets it.

No one requires women to work… If you are that stressed, downsize your lifestyle.

No one requires men to work out of the home either.

Clapping for this response.

Why is the expectation that women working is some sort of luxury that should be cut back on, but men working (while presumably women take over unpaid household and caregiving labor) is a default setting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children usually outlive their parents. If adult children haven't learned to take care of themselves by the time their parents are gone, they're screwed. However, adult children caring for elderly parents are going to outlive said elderly parents, so this same issue isn't applicable. Elderly parents need care because they are dying.

In a caregiving situation where the caregiver is going to die before the person they're caring for, the person being cared for needs to learn to care for themselves, because their caregiver won't always be around. But in a caregiving situation where the caregiver is going to outlive the person they're caring for, the caregiving can just continue caring for person in need of care for the rest of their life.

My Aunt has been caregiving for my grandma for decades. No one expected my grandma to live into her 100s, but here she is and now my Aunt is pushing 80 and has spent so much of her own golden years taking care of her mom. She does it out of a sense of duty because her mom saved nothing, but I know it’s drained the quality from my Aunt’s life, taken away resources from her own family (my cousins), and has created feelings of resentment. It’s been almost 40 years! When does the caregiver get a break?

My Aunt will tell anyone who will listen to please never do that to your children.

[Anonymous]

This^. Women shouldn't be default caregivers for humanity. Isn't it enough they have to bleed every month, be pregnant, give birth, deal with postpartum, breast feeding, perimenopause and menopause? How much do we owe mankind?