If you stayed after infidelity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to answer this question even though it may not be from the side you are asking for. Why did I stay after infidelity?

I stayed because I care about my kids, because my anger / hurt needed to be taken care of (within or without a marriage), because my spouse loved me regardless.

I'm not sure it was fully the right decision. But at the same time I don't fully think it was the wrong decision, either. My family is intact, my children older, and if we were to divorce now, they'd be past the middle/high school high drama time.

My answers really are the same as those above, I think. But it was me who was unfaithful.

The wrong decision was your infidelity in the first place. And, no as a cheater you can’t speak to why somebody betrayed stayed.

From your description here, I wouldn’t stay with you. Not once did you mention what you did was wrong or you stayed because you truly love your spouse and the infidelity was a complete mistake and biggest regret. It’s not clear either what actions you took to help your spouse.

You sound like you stayed because after cheating you wouldn’t be able to support yourself.

OP didn't specify if they wanted only the betrayed to asnwer.
You don't have to stay with me, because we aren't together.
And my remorse or lack there of is not relevant here.
Actions I took to help my spouse are also irrelevant here.
I am more than capable of supporting myself and my children.

Screwing random men behind his back and nasty self-righteous. He was smart to leave. Try to keep you ho-ing and sex hookups away from your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for your replies, well the majority of them, I’ll say.

I completely understand how some say this was not just a one time thing. It was my immediate question too. I have had full unfettered access to his phone and email and have viewed every single communication. I cross referenced with our cell bill as well as there is no communication before or after, just when she was included in company-wide emails. She is out of the country and no longer with the company. He doesn’t do social media and she’s not on his LinkedIn. Sure, she could reach out in some way and maybe he has some secretive burner phone hidden somewhere, but my broken heart is telling me I don’t think they’re in touch. That’s all I can go on for now.

We are both in individual counseling and have started marital counseling. We’re reading books on infidelity. We are communicating civilly (enough) and having talks about the future but aren’t hanging out together after the kids are asleep or anything. He’s in the guest room and we just tell the kids it’s because he has started snoring. They’re too young to pick up on much of this anyway. We put on smiles when we need to do for family events and social things.

I am still very unsure what to do. We have a lot of friends and acquaintances surprisingly who have dealt with infidelity. They have chosen different outcomes over time., it hasn’t immediately been divorced in most cases. I have confided in a few friends but otherwise want to keep it private. For now we still agree being a family unit is best for our kids and our finances and our daily logistical life. I don’t know if our marriage can recover, time will tell I suppose.

Thank you for those who have offered advice or just a note of solidarity or support. I feel very isolated and hurt and the kindness of strangers is nice during hard times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your replies, well the majority of them, I’ll say.

I completely understand how some say this was not just a one time thing. It was my immediate question too. I have had full unfettered access to his phone and email and have viewed every single communication. I cross referenced with our cell bill as well as there is no communication before or after, just when she was included in company-wide emails. She is out of the country and no longer with the company. He doesn’t do social media and she’s not on his LinkedIn. Sure, she could reach out in some way and maybe he has some secretive burner phone hidden somewhere, but my broken heart is telling me I don’t think they’re in touch. That’s all I can go on for now.

We are both in individual counseling and have started marital counseling. We’re reading books on infidelity. We are communicating civilly (enough) and having talks about the future but aren’t hanging out together after the kids are asleep or anything. He’s in the guest room and we just tell the kids it’s because he has started snoring. They’re too young to pick up on much of this anyway. We put on smiles when we need to do for family events and social things.

I am still very unsure what to do. We have a lot of friends and acquaintances surprisingly who have dealt with infidelity. They have chosen different outcomes over time., it hasn’t immediately been divorced in most cases. I have confided in a few friends but otherwise want to keep it private. For now we still agree being a family unit is best for our kids and our finances and our daily logistical life. I don’t know if our marriage can recover, time will tell I suppose.

Thank you for those who have offered advice or just a note of solidarity or support. I feel very isolated and hurt and the kindness of strangers is nice during hard times.

You seem naive. The woman he had a one night stand with is not the only woman out there. There is WhatsApp, secret email accounts etc.

[Anonymous]

^ my husband did Skype messaging which didn’t leave a trace. He didn’t keep the app on his phone. They also used internet calling that didn’t show up on cell bills or anywhere.

Sadly, there are so many Reddit forums and Medium articles written by cheaters with all the ways not to get caught. They even call it “special ops”. There is a queen of married cheating on there who has been having affairs her entire marriage and writes articles and jokes about it. Really sick f@“”””g people.

[Anonymous]

OP, you both have to figure out why he strayed. Only then can you decide if it’s fixable.

I have been extremely extremely close to having an affair and it was agonizing. Ultimately the hurt it could cause my spouse is what stopped me but all the issues are still there. In a way, you’ve cut out the tumor, and now you can—perhaps—start healing. I still feel like a piece of absolute crap for thinking about someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your replies, well the majority of them, I’ll say.

I completely understand how some say this was not just a one time thing. It was my immediate question too. I have had full unfettered access to his phone and email and have viewed every single communication. I cross referenced with our cell bill as well as there is no communication before or after, just when she was included in company-wide emails. She is out of the country and no longer with the company. He doesn’t do social media and she’s not on his LinkedIn. Sure, she could reach out in some way and maybe he has some secretive burner phone hidden somewhere, but my broken heart is telling me I don’t think they’re in touch. That’s all I can go on for now.

We are both in individual counseling and have started marital counseling. We’re reading books on infidelity. We are communicating civilly (enough) and having talks about the future but aren’t hanging out together after the kids are asleep or anything. He’s in the guest room and we just tell the kids it’s because he has started snoring. They’re too young to pick up on much of this anyway. We put on smiles when we need to do for family events and social things.

I am still very unsure what to do. We have a lot of friends and acquaintances surprisingly who have dealt with infidelity. They have chosen different outcomes over time., it hasn’t immediately been divorced in most cases. I have confided in a few friends but otherwise want to keep it private. For now we still agree being a family unit is best for our kids and our finances and our daily logistical life. I don’t know if our marriage can recover, time will tell I suppose.

Thank you for those who have offered advice or just a note of solidarity or support. I feel very isolated and hurt and the kindness of strangers is nice during hard times.

You seem naive. The woman he had a one night stand with is not the only woman out there. There is WhatsApp, secret email accounts etc.

NP, but it is just as likely that it is a one time thing. You have no idea, so please keep your cynicism to yourself and try to be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you both have to figure out why he strayed. Only then can you decide if it’s fixable.

I have been extremely extremely close to having an affair and it was agonizing. Ultimately the hurt it could cause my spouse is what stopped me but all the issues are still there. In a way, you’ve cut out the tumor, and now you can—perhaps—start healing. I still feel like a piece of absolute crap for thinking about someone else.

As a betrayed spouse, this is smart advice. We never recovered from DHs first affair bc we never really got to the root cause. And then it happened again…

I am where you are - we are civil but also sort of frozen in place. It’s so so hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - read State of Affairs by Esther Perel

Shirley Glass “not just friends” is a co-read with above!! Very good and more tips on what the cheater should be doing.

+1. Great book

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your replies, well the majority of them, I’ll say.

I completely understand how some say this was not just a one time thing. It was my immediate question too. I have had full unfettered access to his phone and email and have viewed every single communication. I cross referenced with our cell bill as well as there is no communication before or after, just when she was included in company-wide emails. She is out of the country and no longer with the company. He doesn’t do social media and she’s not on his LinkedIn. Sure, she could reach out in some way and maybe he has some secretive burner phone hidden somewhere, but my broken heart is telling me I don’t think they’re in touch. That’s all I can go on for now.

We are both in individual counseling and have started marital counseling. We’re reading books on infidelity. We are communicating civilly (enough) and having talks about the future but aren’t hanging out together after the kids are asleep or anything. He’s in the guest room and we just tell the kids it’s because he has started snoring. They’re too young to pick up on much of this anyway. We put on smiles when we need to do for family events and social things.

I am still very unsure what to do. We have a lot of friends and acquaintances surprisingly who have dealt with infidelity. They have chosen different outcomes over time., it hasn’t immediately been divorced in most cases. I have confided in a few friends but otherwise want to keep it private. For now we still agree being a family unit is best for our kids and our finances and our daily logistical life. I don’t know if our marriage can recover, time will tell I suppose.

Thank you for those who have offered advice or just a note of solidarity or support. I feel very isolated and hurt and the kindness of strangers is nice during hard times.

You seem naive. The woman he had a one night stand with is not the only woman out there. There is WhatsApp, secret email accounts etc.

If you want to believe this then that is ok. I was like you and then I found out they were using single email account to communicate. Love knows boundaries . It’s best to trust but verify

[Anonymous]

Well you can never fully trust him ever again.