If you stayed after infidelity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- you have been married a long time- 20 years. Men aren’t like women. 65% of men that have cheated said they were happy to extremely happy in their marriages.

Women aren’t the same. By the time a woman cheats, she’s checked out. She’s looking for an exit or emotionally removed thereafter which is why I wouldn’t listen to women cheaters and their stories. It’s not the same.

Confession is a good thing, not a bad like some pps suggest. Watch what he does from here,, weeks, months after the explosion of this. His actions will mean everything.

Try not to make rash decisions in the heat of the moment when you are in shock and filled with anger. One day at a time.

There is no basis for this. It's just not universally true. Between this comment and the "confession is a good thing" as though that's always or even usually true is ridiculous. You sound like someone without a whole lot of life experience and a lot of black and white thinking.

.

When it comes to infidelity/cheating. Yes. It’s wrong. Period. No gray in that area.

+1. I took Ethics in undergrad. People justify hurting people, lying and their poor character in all kinds of ways.

I love how science with AI is starting to back this up. Showing people who get AI people as friends and lovers and then abuse them when there is no abuse by the AI person and then rage about them with others for superiority status. It just gives complete clarity that abuse is related to the abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- you have been married a long time- 20 years. Men aren’t like women. 65% of men that have cheated said they were happy to extremely happy in their marriages.

Women aren’t the same. By the time a woman cheats, she’s checked out. She’s looking for an exit or emotionally removed thereafter which is why I wouldn’t listen to women cheaters and their stories. It’s not the same.

Confession is a good thing, not a bad like some pps suggest. Watch what he does from here,, weeks, months after the explosion of this. His actions will mean everything.

Try not to make rash decisions in the heat of the moment when you are in shock and filled with anger. One day at a time.

There is no basis for this. It's just not universally true. Between this comment and the "confession is a good thing" as though that's always or even usually true is ridiculous. You sound like someone without a whole lot of life experience and a lot of black and white thinking.

.

When it comes to infidelity/cheating. Yes. It’s wrong. Period. No gray in that area.

Wrong, there is a lot of gray. Divorce does not fix that cheating happened. People who jump to divorce are dumb. Divorce shouldn’t be an emotional reaction. You have to really look ar reality of what divorced life looks like.

I would not divorce if I could not trust the kids with dad half the time. I would not divorce if everyone’s quality of life would plummet and be unrecognizable. All of these things have to factor in.

Gray area about stay or go---yes. This comment was that whether the betrayed stays or goes: the cheating was was wrong. Period. And, it's the fault of the cheater alone...as soon as they chose to deal with their problems by getting in another person's privates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I was you. Exactly. Almost exact situation, response, and timeline. Then at 5 months post DDay, dday 2 came in the form of him secretly confiding in a female coworker about what we were going through which was teetering on an emotional affair. Then at 7 months post dday, he started on depression meds, was very clearly instructed by the doctor to not drink on them at least for the first 6 weeks. A week after he started them, he was at a family party with our young daughter, had 2 drinks, and drove home. I'm filing. I was with him for 20+ years and don't even recognize the person in front of me. It's terrifying.

I think you are way over reacting.

Ok- maybe you're fine with someone taking a med they're instructed not to drink on, trying to drink on it for the first time while driving your kid, but I'm certainly not. I specifically asked him if he would be drinking at this party and he said no. I asked him before they came home- have you drank? No. An hour later pics on social media with him holding a whiskey. It's the intentional lying.

It bad but to jump to divorce is crazy.

Having sex with someone else, an additional emotional affair with a coworker, lying, hiding drinking, drinking and driving our kid on meds he's not supposed to be drinking on...not really sure what offenses are even left to commit besides physical abuse

You are way exaggerating all of these. He had a one night stand. He didn’t really have an emotional affair. He had a couple beers on medication that was new, okay, stupid but people do stupid things sometimes. Most men can drive fine after two beers (in however many hours, presumably he didn’t do keg stands) thought obviously not recommended. You sound like you’re very angry about the first offense and it’s coloring everything else in extremes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- you have been married a long time- 20 years. Men aren’t like women. 65% of men that have cheated said they were happy to extremely happy in their marriages.

Women aren’t the same. By the time a woman cheats, she’s checked out. She’s looking for an exit or emotionally removed thereafter which is why I wouldn’t listen to women cheaters and their stories. It’s not the same.

Confession is a good thing, not a bad like some pps suggest. Watch what he does from here,, weeks, months after the explosion of this. His actions will mean everything.

Try not to make rash decisions in the heat of the moment when you are in shock and filled with anger. One day at a time.

There is no basis for this. It's just not universally true. Between this comment and the "confession is a good thing" as though that's always or even usually true is ridiculous. You sound like someone without a whole lot of life experience and a lot of black and white thinking.

.

When it comes to infidelity/cheating. Yes. It’s wrong. Period. No gray in that area.

+1. I took Ethics in undergrad. People justify hurting people, lying and their poor character in all kinds of ways.

I love how science with AI is starting to back this up. Showing people who get AI people as friends and lovers and then abuse them when there is no abuse by the AI person and then rage about them with others for superiority status. It just gives complete clarity that abuse is related to the abuser.

Wut.

[Anonymous]

How badly does he want to make it up to you? Can you ask for a hall pass with no expiration date? Plus sign a post-nup where 100% of marital assets go to you in the case of a divorce? (Probably wouldn't be legally enforceable.)

[Anonymous]

I am 4 years post-discovery and so far glad I stayed. His was a 3 month off and on. She moved away. It was very hard for the first year, less hard for the second and I rarely think about it now.

Our sex life isn't that great but it wasn't before and I care less about being sexless as I approach 50. We are otherwise great partners.

[Anonymous]

There is no way she randomly approached a married coworker for sex. Do not believe that.

It starts with messaging at work, banter, flirting, and then moves to physical affair. He confessed because she is leaving and broke it off and he is crying for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way she randomly approached a married coworker for sex. Do not believe that.

It starts with messaging at work, banter, flirting, and then moves to physical affair. He confessed because she is leaving and broke it off and he is crying for her.

Nope. She was pushing for more. He cut it off and afraid she is going to tell the wife--so he came clean. He is now completely distraught he might lose his wife and kids and happy family.

This story is a dime a dozen. Men don't cry over women they bang on the side. They cry when they think they just lost everything in life and their two worlds that they compartmentalized have now come crashing down.

Women are about exit affairs. Men will kick the can down the road to keep the sex coming saying things like 'oh--but my kids are still young', 'one day in the future we can be together', 'if only we had met at a different time' blah, blah, blah, BLAH. Story as old as time itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way she randomly approached a married coworker for sex. Do not believe that.

It starts with messaging at work, banter, flirting, and then moves to physical affair. He confessed because she is leaving and broke it off and he is crying for her.

Nope. She was pushing for more. He cut it off and afraid she is going to tell the wife--so he came clean. He is now completely distraught he might lose his wife and kids and happy family.

This story is a dime a dozen. Men don't cry over women they bang on the side. They cry when they think they just lost everything in life and their two worlds that they compartmentalized have now come crashing down.

Women are about exit affairs. Men will kick the can down the road to keep the sex coming saying things like 'oh--but my kids are still young', 'one day in the future we can be together', 'if only we had met at a different time' blah, blah, blah, BLAH. Story as old as time itself.

I want to add that the reason I think he came clean is because he's worried this would get back to you eventually and he's heading it off. Some honest people just can't handle carrying the lie/guilt and it breaks them.

[Anonymous]

Went through something similar. It was a one time thing with an ex. He had “proof” before and after of no contact and was remorseful too. I stayed because at the core I knew good people can do bad things, and we had a lot of counseling (together and separate). We also had a young child and I made much less. I won’t lie those factors contributed. It has been a few years and we continue to be WIP but it is better than it was the first year after and with each following year. In our circle we know many others who managed infidelity. Some left and some stayed, some are glad they did and some are not. You are wise not to make a solid decision now when it is still new.

[Anonymous]

OP - read State of Affairs by Esther Perel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - read State of Affairs by Esther Perel

Shirley Glass “not just friends” is a co-read with above!! Very good and more tips on what the cheater should be doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I was you. Exactly. Almost exact situation, response, and timeline. Then at 5 months post DDay, dday 2 came in the form of him secretly confiding in a female coworker about what we were going through which was teetering on an emotional affair. Then at 7 months post dday, he started on depression meds, was very clearly instructed by the doctor to not drink on them at least for the first 6 weeks. A week after he started them, he was at a family party with our young daughter, had 2 drinks, and drove home. I'm filing. I was with him for 20+ years and don't even recognize the person in front of me. It's terrifying.

I think you are way over reacting.

It really doesn't matter what you think. And FTR, I happen to think she is perfectly reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, but he is lying and this was probably not a ONS. I bet they were at minimum having an EA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to answer this question even though it may not be from the side you are asking for. Why did I stay after infidelity?

I stayed because I care about my kids, because my anger / hurt needed to be taken care of (within or without a marriage), because my spouse loved me regardless.

I'm not sure it was fully the right decision. But at the same time I don't fully think it was the wrong decision, either. My family is intact, my children older, and if we were to divorce now, they'd be past the middle/high school high drama time.

My answers really are the same as those above, I think. But it was me who was unfaithful.

The wrong decision was your infidelity in the first place. And, no as a cheater you can’t speak to why somebody betrayed stayed.

From your description here, I wouldn’t stay with you. Not once did you mention what you did was wrong or you stayed because you truly love your spouse and the infidelity was a complete mistake and biggest regret. It’s not clear either what actions you took to help your spouse.

You sound like you stayed because after cheating you wouldn’t be able to support yourself.

OP didn't specify if they wanted only the betrayed to asnwer.
You don't have to stay with me, because we aren't together.
And my remorse or lack there of is not relevant here.
Actions I took to help my spouse are also irrelevant here.
I am more than capable of supporting myself and my children.