What is it about people not responding to playdate invitations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I just wanted to clarify a few things. My daughters go to a small, Catholic school where there is a very small class of 20 kids, all the moms know each other, and some of us live far (though some of us live nearby).

The playdate invitation was for my older daughter's friends moms, there are several of us who get together sometimes, all of the moms' names were on the text playdate invitation so everyone could see who was invited, this is our usual friend group. My older daughter has a group of 7 best friends (who all have similar aged siblings). The text invite was to the moms of these 7 best friends. I also sent an email with the same playdate invitaton to this same group in case some of them did not see the text.

I did not get any acknowledgment of my invitation, which is really bothering me, and makes me feel rejected. My daughters have not been invited to any playdates by these moms, and we are always having their kids over. There has been no reciprocation. These moms have also not shown any interest in getting to know me. I was hoping when we switched to this school two years ago, that this is where we would find our community, but that has unfortunately not happened. We all have the same religion, so I thought we would have a lot in common, but apparently not enough for these moms to want to be friends with me or family friends. I've tried to put myself out there (trying to organize walks, moms' night out, etc.). At this point I'm really bummed out by the lack of sense of community at this school.

It's hard because my daughters have no neighborhood friends, no friends from other activities or church, and no local family, so we have a lot of lonely weekends and it's hard to find enough for them to do. They're both in 5 activities each (after school and on weekends) but that's not enough to fill the lonely weekends and school holidays. In the summer they do go to summer camp.

Your kids see their best friends at school every day, they are music 5 activities each outside of school, they go to summer camp. I would hardly describe this as a lonely existence. Maybe enroll them in the same after school activities and camps that their school friends are doing. But I think the healthier thing would be to encourage other friendships besides the ones through school. It is so much easier to have your child run across the street and play at the neighbor’s house for an hour or two vs the coordination of play dates that require driving across town.

Weekends shouldn’t be lonely at all. That is time spent playing with siblings, the neighbors, family friends that don’t go to your school, taking day trips. This is what everyone else is doing on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

Ok. Couple things.
1. Sending these play date invites to the group text is off putting to people. Send individually.
2. A lot of what you describe is just too much/too intense. A group text AND an email about one play date? Seven best friends? Five activities per week per kid but they are bored with tons of free time?
3. I agree it’s rude that no one responds to your invite. People should at least respond. But maybe they’re worried if all 7 of them turn you down that you’ll be more humiliated.
4. People, especially with kids this age, want drop off play dates. But maybe they’re worried if you invite 7 kids plus 7 siblings that it’s too many kids aged they’ll feel guilty dropping off and they don’t have time to sit in your house while also walking the dog, finishing work emails, prepping dinner, dealing with other kid’s sports practice, etc. on a weeknight.
5. Maybe a lot of them have large Catholic families with roots in this area and a lot of family gatherings/parties on weekends. Many of my Catholic acquaintances in the DMV have this and between all the cousins, etc., and friends they’ve known from growing up, they’re not seeking out repeated play dates or whatnot to fill their weekends.

I had some mom acquaintances who wanted 2,3,4 play dates a week and between activities and the fact that these were not my kids’ only friends, it just felt suffocating. Just a different perspective to consider.

[Anonymous]

OP are you a single mom?

[Anonymous]

I agree to send individual invitations.

There are many reasons people might not respond, but it's possible that their kid doesn't get along with one of the other kids in the group text, so they don't want to accept an invitation if that kid might be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I just wanted to clarify a few things. My daughters go to a small, Catholic school where there is a very small class of 20 kids, all the moms know each other, and some of us live far (though some of us live nearby).

The playdate invitation was for my older daughter's friends moms, there are several of us who get together sometimes, all of the moms' names were on the text playdate invitation so everyone could see who was invited, this is our usual friend group. My older daughter has a group of 7 best friends (who all have similar aged siblings). The text invite was to the moms of these 7 best friends. I also sent an email with the same playdate invitaton to this same group in case some of them did not see the text.

I did not get any acknowledgment of my invitation, which is really bothering me, and makes me feel rejected. My daughters have not been invited to any playdates by these moms, and we are always having their kids over. There has been no reciprocation. These moms have also not shown any interest in getting to know me. I was hoping when we switched to this school two years ago, that this is where we would find our community, but that has unfortunately not happened. We all have the same religion, so I thought we would have a lot in common, but apparently not enough for these moms to want to be friends with me or family friends. I've tried to put myself out there (trying to organize walks, moms' night out, etc.). At this point I'm really bummed out by the lack of sense of community at this school.

It's hard because my daughters have no neighborhood friends, no friends from other activities or church, and no local family, so we have a lot of lonely weekends and it's hard to find enough for them to do. They're both in 5 activities each (after school and on weekends) but that's not enough to fill the lonely weekends and school holidays. In the summer they do go to summer camp.

Your kids see their best friends at school every day, they are music 5 activities each outside of school, they go to summer camp. I would hardly describe this as a lonely existence. Maybe enroll them in the same after school activities and camps that their school friends are doing. But I think the healthier thing would be to encourage other friendships besides the ones through school. It is so much easier to have your child run across the street and play at the neighbor’s house for an hour or two vs the coordination of play dates that require driving across town.

Weekends shouldn’t be lonely at all. That is time spent playing with siblings, the neighbors, family friends that don’t go to your school, taking day trips. This is what everyone else is doing on the weekends.

It sounds like your kids have made friends but that doesn't always lead to a "community" for your family. In a small school other families may feel that their kids spend more than enough time together at school. I think what you're looking for goes beyond playdates but really a social life. I think these moms may not be a great fit for you even though their kids like your kids. I would stop initiating playdates beyond what you truly want to host and then put that effort into making friends with other families. With that many activities and friends they shouldn't feel lonely but as the PP said other people spend their weekends with family, friends outside of school or just doing their own thing.

Group texts are good for when you have an activity like "Hey! There's this great festival this weekend that I'll be taking the girls to. If you'd like to meet up let me know." That way you still have something fun to do regardless of whether or not someone joins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is rude to not respond to an invitation.

I don’t view a group text as a personal invitation.

That’s cool. It takes 2 seconds to respond: “sorry we can’t make it.” Some of you are very entitled and self centered.

If I’m on group texts with multiple people I don’t know, I usually don’t respond.

This. Not a fan of group texts in general. I'm extremely busy with work, kids, and activities--automatically delete if not important.

[Anonymous]

This is weird. I’m on many group text threads (Girl Scouts, neighborhood friends for kid 1, school friends for kid 2, neighborhood friends for kid 2, etc). Occasionally one or two people might not respond but texts never go unanswered.

Since you said you also sent email, I sort of wonder whether something you are doing is off putting to these women. I would find text AND email about the same play date very weird. I was in a really nice moms group when my kids were little, and one of the moms had some issues with social cues. She was generally a nice person but did things that were downright offensive sometimes, for example, being pushy about breastfeeding and baby wearing when certain moms weren’t interested. I noticed eventually everyone started ignoring her invitations and getting together without her. I felt really bad for her and hung out with her alone a few times, but she did some really off putting things and I had to stop for my own well being. Eventually you get tired of making excuses.

Not saying the above is the case, but if this isn’t the first time you’ve dealt with social rejection I’d wonder if there is some larger issue. If not then just play it cool and maybe you will meet someone you click with elsewhere, like one of your kids’ activities.

[Anonymous]

The biggest lesson I’ve learned in my 4 years of parenting is that parents are f’ing rude. I made all sorts of friends before having kids - like everywhere I went I made friends and couldn’t keep track of it all.

Now with kids, parents are flaky, have their own insular friends groups, have no manners, etc etc.

I wouldn’t worry too much about it and just move on. Definitely try the 1:1 approach and just find a few families that are cool and work with them.

But I totally share your frustration. It’s a totally different social scene now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are your kids so lonely? They have each other to play with.

Yeah I wrote earlier that I don’t get it.
5 and 8 are great ages to play with each other! Plus you can plan fun outings. And if they have 7 best friends each with a sibling then that’s 16 weekends of birthday parties including their own!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are your kids so lonely? They have each other to play with.

Yeah I wrote earlier that I don’t get it.
5 and 8 are great ages to play with each other! Plus you can plan fun outings. And if they have 7 best friends each with a sibling then that’s 16 weekends of birthday parties including their own!

I think OP is the one that is actually lonely.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to go to large playdates so if we are on a large group, text and siblings are invited. I'm likely to not go or respond because I don't want 20 people there. If we are invited individually that is a better setup for my kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s clear there are two types of parents/kids. Some have an “everyone’s invited and the more the merrier” attitude. Others need to know who is coming and are turned off by general invitations.

I’m in your camp - we have moved 4 times with kids and always to places where the majority of families are also transplants, so I really appreciated the general invite and group texts as a way to quickly get integrated into a community.

But if you are in a community that already knows each other, they won’t be so receptive. People who haven’t had the experience of being the new family are not as open to general invites. Take the hint. Stop with the group texts and individually invite people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you a single mom?

Yes shit

[Anonymous]

OP you need to let it go for a little bit. Your approach is over bearing. Also agree that between school and activities your kids don't seem bored or lonely. Just let them enjoy the stuff they have going on. Then try to reconnect one on one with one family at a time. Most people don't want group play dates at those ages.

I will also say that we attend a catholic school and I've found it hard to break in to the social circle. I think a combination of most families knowing each other already, most families having lots of kids to juggle, and many families having other family members nearby is part of it. They aren't seeking additional playmates. We are switching to public next year and I actually think/hope the social situation will be better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s clear there are two types of parents/kids. Some have an “everyone’s invited and the more the merrier” attitude. Others need to know who is coming and are turned off by general invitations.

I’m in your camp - we have moved 4 times with kids and always to places where the majority of families are also transplants, so I really appreciated the general invite and group texts as a way to quickly get integrated into a community.

But if you are in a community that already knows each other, they won’t be so receptive. People who haven’t had the experience of being the new family are not as open to general invites. Take the hint. Stop with the group texts and individually invite people.

I am a very inclusive person, but my DD does better with one-on-one play dates. She gets lost in a crowd since she is not loud/bossy. So we would not attend one of your group play dates, sorry.