Are you scared of being dependent on others in old age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I think some people on here assume they will stay their lovely selves in old age and the adult children will be thrilled to help.They also assume their adult children won't have any of their own all-consuming life stressors or their own illness. It all happens in far too many cases.

I have seen what angry/combative/paranoid dementia looks like with my mother and I give my children permission to drop me off at Memory care and not look back. Nobody should have to deal with abuse. My dad did not become abusive but declined into not being able to do ANYTHING without assistance and he was miserable and suffering. I really want to track cognition and fly off to a country that allows assisted suicide before I am too far gone to consent, but in the meantime i am eating lots of greens, getting magnesium, managing mental health, learning new things, and doing all the things in the hope I can some how prevent this horrible fate.

Same. I would rather take myself out than do that to my kids. My mother was horrible to me and my kids. She is the most entitled person I know, and absolutely expected me to provide her full-time care, including managing her house, her meds, her doc appts, hospital visits and stays (she was a fall risk), provide all meals, etc. I have a full time job and three kids.

I very nearly had a nervous breakdown and my health deteriorated at a shocking rate. At 88, she finally agreed to go to assisted living. She then cut all contact with me and my kids for abandoning her. She is quite wealthy, but thought paying for care was in her mind a total waste of money. It's taken quite a bit of therapy for me to understand why I agreed to that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I think some people on here assume they will stay their lovely selves in old age and the adult children will be thrilled to help.They also assume their adult children won't have any of their own all-consuming life stressors or their own illness. It all happens in far too many cases.

I have seen what angry/combative/paranoid dementia looks like with my mother and I give my children permission to drop me off at Memory care and not look back. Nobody should have to deal with abuse. My dad did not become abusive but declined into not being able to do ANYTHING without assistance and he was miserable and suffering. I really want to track cognition and fly off to a country that allows assisted suicide before I am too far gone to consent, but in the meantime i am eating lots of greens, getting magnesium, managing mental health, learning new things, and doing all the things in the hope I can some how prevent this horrible fate.

Same. I would rather take myself out than do that to my kids. My mother was horrible to me and my kids. She is the most entitled person I know, and absolutely expected me to provide her full-time care, including managing her house, her meds, her doc appts, hospital visits and stays (she was a fall risk), provide all meals, etc. I have a full time job and three kids.

I very nearly had a nervous breakdown and my health deteriorated at a shocking rate. At 88, she finally agreed to go to assisted living. She then cut all contact with me and my kids for abandoning her. She is quite wealthy, but thought paying for care was in her mind a total waste of money. It's taken quite a bit of therapy for me to understand why I agreed to that situation.

PP, that sounds so tough. Did she not have a lot of stressors when her parents were aging? My parents did not have a lot of money, so they are pretty mindful about a lot of what you described above, including their not wanting us to risk our jobs by taking care of them (a depression and a few recesssions can do that).

My ILs are much better off. They are still relatively self sufficient, especially my MiL, but they really have little insight to how much the economy has changed over the last 30-40 years. I think sometimes their expectations are based on a world that simply no longer exists for their children.

I'm also sorry that your mom cut you and her grandkids off after everything you did for her. Truly is tragic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Today’s lifestyle is not set up to care for aging parents. Lives are busier now and parents shouldn’t burden their kids. Its nice for them to check on but have a plan in place as if you never had kids.

Agree. I am dealing with this with my mother now - moving her into a CCL place, emptying/fixing/selling the house, etc. It is a LOT of work and she waited too long to move so can't handle any of it herself. In the meantime I am crazy busy at work. We are already planning to downsize by 70 so at least the kids don't have to deal with that aspect. I've also picked an independent living place I like - hopefully it will still be nice 15-20 years from now.

[Anonymous]

Ah, sorry to wake you up but this is naive. Home care is incredibly expensive, for starters. Secondly, those home care agencies promise the world but do not deliver. Are you ok with a new caregiver every few weeks due to high turnover at those places that pay the staff poverty wages? Some of the caregivers are not very good, remember “poverty level wages” they receive from the agency. New strangers in your home is dicey. We had some of them try to bring their kids with them to “hang out” in the house while they worked (not technically allowed but they try to slip by the rules of the agency) and other such things. The other option is hiring someone privately but they never want to be taxed by IRS so is technically illegal and that causes complications. You need to realize there is no good option for you. A stepped facility is great up into you reach the nursing home stage and then it’s never great. I could go on…..

Anonymous wrote:No, I would just pay for the service of home care.

[Anonymous]

A nice stepped facility seems like the only option these days...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah, sorry to wake you up but this is naive. Home care is incredibly expensive, for starters. Secondly, those home care agencies promise the world but do not deliver. Are you ok with a new caregiver every few weeks due to high turnover at those places that pay the staff poverty wages? Some of the caregivers are not very good, remember “poverty level wages” they receive from the agency. New strangers in your home is dicey. We had some of them try to bring their kids with them to “hang out” in the house while they worked (not technically allowed but they try to slip by the rules of the agency) and other such things. The other option is hiring someone privately but they never want to be taxed by IRS so is technically illegal and that causes complications. You need to realize there is no good option for you. A stepped facility is great up into you reach the nursing home stage and then it’s never great. I could go on…..

Anonymous wrote:No, I would just pay for the service of home care.

But counting on your adult child to do this care for free is ok? Most likely your adult child will have a full time job and their own kids to care for.

[Anonymous]

No. I'm in my 70s and live with my daughter and son-in-law. I have good insurance and they can be paid in the event they have to take care of me. If that becomes too much my insurance will pay towards assisted living or a nursing home along with my social security and pension.

[Anonymous]

Yes. But my mother has been living with Multiple Sclerosis for years, and I've seen how she's made it work. The issue is when your caregiver starts to fail: my father, who looked after her for most of their adult life, is declining. We need to think of back-ups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I'm in my 70s and live with my daughter and son-in-law. I have good insurance and they can be paid in the event they have to take care of me. If that becomes too much my insurance will pay towards assisted living or a nursing home along with my social security and pension.

Really? Because my mother also had incredible insurance - but unless she used it for a certified home health care aid, family couldn't be compensated for caring for her. And she lived with me. DC has some limited programs, but there are income caps and a long wait list.

[Anonymous]

Bumping this to ask about assisted suicide. Has anyone actually had a loved one successfully do it?

Those of you who are passionate about it, is it in your AMD? Has a lawyer said it will stand up? Will it stand up in foreign countries or out of state?

I just wonder if a doctor would even agree to do it for someone in cognitive decline...Hospitals often don't even want to honor DNRs (had that happen to someone's loved one with advanced dementia -- was resuscitated into a vegetative state despite an active DNR).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I'd rather die. And plan to.

This!

Refuse care and take physical risks is a way to ensure this happens legally. I wish I could make a directive for assisted suicide when my mind is gone. I don't really believe it's suicide... I'm not me without my mind. It more like cutting off the unwanted growth of my living body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah, sorry to wake you up but this is naive. Home care is incredibly expensive, for starters. Secondly, those home care agencies promise the world but do not deliver. Are you ok with a new caregiver every few weeks due to high turnover at those places that pay the staff poverty wages? Some of the caregivers are not very good, remember “poverty level wages” they receive from the agency. New strangers in your home is dicey. We had some of them try to bring their kids with them to “hang out” in the house while they worked (not technically allowed but they try to slip by the rules of the agency) and other such things. The other option is hiring someone privately but they never want to be taxed by IRS so is technically illegal and that causes complications. You need to realize there is no good option for you. A stepped facility is great up into you reach the nursing home stage and then it’s never great. I could go on…..

Anonymous wrote:No, I would just pay for the service of home care.

But counting on your adult child to do this care for free is ok? Most likely your adult child will have a full time job and their own kids to care for.

Different poster. Residential is the better option. Another issue with aging in place is the lawsuit potential. I know of 2 cases of this. One where the person slipped and seemed to be in decent shape, but sued for a small fortune. The other is the worker could not force the parent to take medication and the parent, once off meds for a few days, hit thew caseworker. At a facility they make sure walkways are shoveled and de-iced and residents who need meds to control aggression take those meds.

Don't even get me started about how isolating it is to rot at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you going to limit length of your life? Suicide is illegal, unacceptable in most religions and traumatic for loved ones.

Medical aid in dying is legal in the following states, and likely more states will follow suit in the coming years.

Oregon.
Washington.
Montana.
Vermont.
California.
Colorado.
Washington D.C.
Hawai'i.
New Jersey
Maine
New Mexico

Not as easy as you think.
Go to Switzerland.

[Anonymous]

Yes to the immediate PP -- I believe all the MAID laws in the US require a diagnosis of a terminal illness that will cause death in 6 months or less and the cognitive ability to give consent.

Also, our experience with a relative in NJ was that it's expensive and challenging to find the medical providers to help you access MAID. There was one concierge doctor we found but they cost something like $7000-$8000, not covered by insurance. I don't fault them at all -- this is their living -- but it's not free or cheap.

Our relative also couldn't get their oncologist to be the second certifying doctor even though that oncologist had treated the relative for years because of the oncologist's personal beliefs. The crazy "pro-lifers," including religous fanatics, target doctors willing to offer MAID just as much as they target doctors willing to offer abortions, irrespective of whether MAID/abortion are legal or not.

Switzerland it is, assuming I have the resources and capabilities. The problem with the drugs/tequila/warm bathtub approach is that you're leaving a mess for someone to clean up. I'd rather say goodbye and go somewhere where professionals are not going to be confronted with an unexpected trauma.

[Anonymous]

PP, thanks for your reply. See this is my concern...if it's impossible for people with terminal cancer who are mentally sharp to get medical assistance with death, it seems impossible for people with cognitive decline.

If you have a family history of dementia/Alzheimer's and you don't want to avoid the bad stages, are you just SOL on medical aid in dying?