DH won't let DS (11) attend camps

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spent 6+ weeks at traditional summer camps growing up. This is a lifestyle shift for me, ok?

But you are not your child.

The problem here is *your* struggle with identity and belonging. You cannot replicate your childhood with him. It is fine for him to grow up differently than you.

We are an international family. DH and I grew up in other countries. Our kids were born in the USA, and we accept they are Americanized and are growing up very differently than either of us did.

You have to make a similar realization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please name the dream school with the “pre-admission camp” that doesn’t allow any kind of visits.

I said taking a class and shadowing a student wasn't a thing, not that they don't allow visitors.

OK. What school?

Give it a rest.

[Anonymous]

What’s difficult about the daycamp logistics OP? Does DH forbid before and after care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent 6+ weeks at traditional summer camps growing up. This is a lifestyle shift for me, ok?

And honestly, it makes me sad that he'll miss the joys I found at camp. Especially compared to just playing video games in his room all summer. I work - I can't entertain him like a camp can.

Go with daycamps as a compromise.

He complains about those, vocally. And they're very difficult as far as logistics.

So he sounds neurotic too. He complains about ALL day camps? There are day camps for literally any kind of interest you can think of. But none of them could possibly interest your son, and ALL of them are very difficult for your logistically. You see things in black and white and you are a terrible problem solver. I feel sorry for your kid, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please name the dream school with the “pre-admission camp” that doesn’t allow any kind of visits.

I said taking a class and shadowing a student wasn't a thing, not that they don't allow visitors.

OK. What school?

Give it a rest.

No. It’s a relevant question. I’m not sure if you re OP now telling me to give it a rest, but you brought it up so let’s just have the answer. It must be a very unique setting.

[Anonymous]

Yep just not an issue. Don't do camp. My kids never went to sleep away camps, they survived.

[Anonymous]

Sleep away camp was hell on earth for me. My sister's experience was better. I would have been thrilled not to have to go.

I'm with your husband on this. Although he does sound overly anxious
he has reason to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent 6+ weeks at traditional summer camps growing up. This is a lifestyle shift for me, ok?

And honestly, it makes me sad that he'll miss the joys I found at camp. Especially compared to just playing video games in his room all summer. I work - I can't entertain him like a camp can.

No friends near by? I can't imagine every single kid will b away at camp all summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent 6+ weeks at traditional summer camps growing up. This is a lifestyle shift for me, ok?

And honestly, it makes me sad that he'll miss the joys I found at camp. Especially compared to just playing video games in his room all summer. I work - I can't entertain him like a camp can.

Go with daycamps as a compromise.

He complains about those, vocally. And they're very difficult as far as logistics.

Is this even real? The kid should have at least some activity to do during the summer. How did you manage when he was younger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent 6+ weeks at traditional summer camps growing up. This is a lifestyle shift for me, ok?

And honestly, it makes me sad that he'll miss the joys I found at camp. Especially compared to just playing video games in his room all summer. I work - I can't entertain him like a camp can.

Go with daycamps as a compromise.

He complains about those, vocally. And they're very difficult as far as logistics.

Is this even real? The kid should have at least some activity to do during the summer. How did you manage when he was younger?

My 11 yo doesn't have a choice in the matter - he goes to day camps all summer other than when we are on vacation. He gets to pick the camps, though, and he almost always enjoys his choices. We make the logistics work.

[Anonymous]

I don't think sleepaway camp is necessary, but if all the kid's friends are going, and the kid wants to go, and the parents can afford it, then this father's fears are preventing that.

The father needs therapy. Or things could escalate. First overnight camp then sports, outings with friends' families, etc. The father can be overprotective by researching everything carefully, but he needs to let go of the purse strings. And he also should have a long talk with his kid about never being alone with an adult at camp, speaking up if something is uncomfortable, being able to tell him ANYTHING, etc. And he can check out the camp thoroughly, speak to former/current campers, staff, etc.

I've seen someone's life ruined because his mother was a nervous wreck beyond the usual overprotective parent. All the kids on his block were out playing ball, and he wasn't allowed out because a car could hit him, so he stayed in and watched tv. Things like that. This kid was never allowed appropriate independence. He never grew up or out of that. His mom was well-meaning (she was my aunt), but it stunted his growth big time.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My cousin abused my siblings and is serving a very long prison sentence. I am very cautious around coaches, teachers and counselors but I still allow my children to participate in many of these things.

I would recommend family therapy, which is for everyone, not just your husband. His anxiety is being passed on to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I've seen someone's life ruined because his mother was a nervous wreck beyond the usual overprotective parent. All the kids on his block were out playing ball, and he wasn't allowed out because a car could hit him, so he stayed in and watched tv. Things like that. This kid was never allowed appropriate independence. He never grew up or out of that. His mom was well-meaning (she was my aunt), but it stunted his growth big time.

Good luck!

I think these fears are materially different than fear of sending your 11 yo to sleepaway camp.

[Anonymous]

This would fall under the category of not worth the fight. Is DH being entirely rational? No. But his anxiety is understandable so I’d let it be. DS will be okay without having the overnight camp experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sons are both in college — one a graduating senior, the other a sophomore. They never went to sleepaway camps, only day camps. They had friends who went to sleepaway. They also had friends who went to Europe for the whole summer. They didn’t get to do that either. They’re fine! They are well adjusted, tons of friends, the whole thing was and is fine, really. Your husband has his own reasons for feeling strongly about protecting your child from something he fears, and it may or may not be rational but I don’t think going to sleepaway camp is a hill to die on if it is going to result in a ton of anxiety and stress for your husband.

I assume he isn’t this way about everything…if there are multiple things like this, that might be a different story

Yeah, I think this is the way.

I have sent my kids to sleepaway camp, but I've also avoided overnights with a relative I don't really trust. Some of these decisions are just instinct. If you're stunting your child's development or not preparing him to fend for himself in the real world, that's one thing, but if you're just not a sleepaway camp family, that's fine. Even though my kids have done them, they didn't really like them and would have been fine to miss it altogether.

I'm a Girl Scout leader, and we do overnights as part of teaching independence. Of course, we are background checked and there must always been two unrelated adult chaperones, and men must sleep 300 yards away or whatever the rule is. But my philosophy has always been to let families opt in, or out, of whatever they feel works for them. If the parent wants to attend the sleepover, fine. I don't know everyone's histories or situations and I just trust that girls will get something out of it, however it works out. I also stress that girls are welcome to wake me up and ask to go home at any time . . . they are never stuck sleeping anywhere they don't want to be.

We can't protect our kids from everything, but that doesn't mean we don't try to protect them from what we can. Maybe a non-judgmental conversation with your husband could explore some kind of compromise that might be within your husband's comfort zone and also appealing to your son.