Nanny share situation has ruined one of my few friendships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is how the nanny reacted then she already wanted to quit. This was a last straw. Nobody would do this in a good working arrangement.

Agree. I think the OP made a mistake, but if the nanny cared about the job she could have brought up the issue to both the share parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is how the nanny reacted then she already wanted to quit. This was a last straw. Nobody would do this in a good working arrangement.

Agree with this. I can’t imagine quitting without discussing this or at least questioning the policy and giving the employer the benefit of the doubt

[Anonymous]

Surprised nobody has mentioned - maybe the nanny was faking sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The doctors note was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

This, plus household employees are generally super sensitive about things like strict rules, average pay, lack of autonomy. They are generally looking for the least amount of work for the greatest amount of money, as well as for the families that give them very broad autonomy and don’t micromanage.
They know someone who appreciates them and treats them with general respect and trust.

I know because my neighbor works in caregiving, and she has a ton of offers but it is very hard to make her stick to one. If her charge is difficult or annoying, she quits. If the relatives are cheap, she quits.
If extra duties are piled up on her without extra pay - she quits.
She has one stable job where she is a live in, rules the roost, the daughter of the woman pays her a decent salary and a decent amount of food money, never really visits, her charge is immobile and has a cheerful personality etc.
Its a skill to be able to retain a low pay employee with a good choice of other positions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprised nobody has mentioned - maybe the nanny was faking sick.

Nobody mentioned it because OP says she did bring in doctors note.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The doctors note was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

This, plus household employees are generally super sensitive about things like strict rules, average pay, lack of autonomy. They are generally looking for the least amount of work for the greatest amount of money, as well as for the families that give them very broad autonomy and don’t micromanage.
They know someone who appreciates them and treats them with general respect and trust.

I know because my neighbor works in caregiving, and she has a ton of offers but it is very hard to make her stick to one. If her charge is difficult or annoying, she quits. If the relatives are cheap, she quits.
If extra duties are piled up on her without extra pay - she quits.
She has one stable job where she is a live in, rules the roost, the daughter of the woman pays her a decent salary and a decent amount of food money, never really visits, her charge is immobile and has a cheerful personality etc.
Its a skill to be able to retain a low pay employee with a good choice of other positions

This. Nanny probably isn’t paid what the trouble is worth. She probably got an offer that’s better or found a job with less challenging parents. Who wouldn’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is how the nanny reacted then she already wanted to quit. This was a last straw. Nobody would do this in a good working arrangement.

Agree with this. I can’t imagine quitting without discussing this or at least questioning the policy and giving the employer the benefit of the doubt

The nanny doesn’t have great interpersonal skills, or maybe it’s easier for her to find another job than to deal with all this. Nannies know that once the micromanagement starts there’s no end to it

[Anonymous]

Lesson learned. Do better next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree you were wrong, but a friend who can’t forgive the misstep is a friend who would desert you at some point anyway. I think you’re better off without the friend. The fact the nanny isn’t willing to work with the friend to find a replacement for you means the nanny wants to move on, not just from you, but from your friend as well, and that’s not your fault. I don’t believe the nanny cares whether it would be awkward between you two (why would she care about that?) she is just using it as an excuse to move on. Sorry, OP, but I think if it hadn’t been this, it would have been something else with these two.

I don’t know. It’s a pretty big deal to ruin your friend’s childcare arrangements.

I think it’s the nanny that’s ruining the childcare relationship with the friend. The nanny could just “fire” OP. The fact that she won’t means she isn’t interested in working with the friend, and that’s not OP’s fault. I think nanny would have left sooner rather than later anyway, not only because of OP.

Did you read the OP? It was long, but she did say the nanny needed the share rate and the friend couldn’t afford it.

I read it. It said that nanny wouldn’t give the friend an opportunity to find someone else to nanny share with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The doctors note was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

This, plus household employees are generally super sensitive about things like strict rules, average pay, lack of autonomy. They are generally looking for the least amount of work for the greatest amount of money, as well as for the families that give them very broad autonomy and don’t micromanage.
They know someone who appreciates them and treats them with general respect and trust.

I know because my neighbor works in caregiving, and she has a ton of offers but it is very hard to make her stick to one. If her charge is difficult or annoying, she quits. If the relatives are cheap, she quits.
If extra duties are piled up on her without extra pay - she quits.
She has one stable job where she is a live in, rules the roost, the daughter of the woman pays her a decent salary and a decent amount of food money, never really visits, her charge is immobile and has a cheerful personality etc.
Its a skill to be able to retain a low pay employee with a good choice of other positions

Ooof, yes, this is why we ended up tolerating a great deal of lying/fake sick days from our nanny. I was MOSTLY confident in her ability to care for our child, but never totally happy with it. I guess I figured it was better that her flaws be up front, and I knew she really did like my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is how the nanny reacted then she already wanted to quit. This was a last straw. Nobody would do this in a good working arrangement.

Agree with this. I can’t imagine quitting without discussing this or at least questioning the policy and giving the employer the benefit of the doubt

I’m a nanny. If I had a great family and was paid well I’d probably be annoyed if this was sprung on me but I wouldn’t quit on the spot. We’d have a discussion as to why my employer felt it was necessary to require a doctors not of me. I do wonder OP, do you give PTO? That matters here.

If this family was already difficult it would give me the perfect excuse to quit and I would. As others said, it would be the straw that broke the camels back. If nanny didn’t discuss it she probably already decided and knew discussing was a waste of time. I’ve quit jobs that weren’t working out without explanation. I give my notice, as OPs nanny did, because that’s professional. The reasoning doesn’t matter if you are confident in your decisions. How many nannies are going to sit there and tell their employees they think they’re lazy parents and their kids are unlikable? What’s the point? Just ruins a reference. You just say the job doesn’t work for you anymore and act as a professional until you finish out your notice.

[Anonymous]

Your horrible mistake is resulting in your former friend now having to put her daughter in daycare, which is a much worse situation for that poor child. I would never forgive you for that, and absolutely would be done with you too.

[Anonymous]

^^Also, you said you got “push back” when you implemented the same sick note policy at your current company. So you knew it was controversial and not well received. The fact that you then applied it anyway to your nanny knowing that you needed her more than she needed you was truly asinine. So not really a mistake at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is how the nanny reacted then she already wanted to quit. This was a last straw. Nobody would do this in a good working arrangement.

Agree. I think the OP made a mistake, but if the nanny cared about the job she could have brought up the issue to both the share parents.

Np Nanny believed by asking for the note that op didn't trust her. Would you really stay in a job if someone didn't trust you? I wouldn't

[Anonymous]

Your initial post indicates clearly you did not trust her, or respect her. You also thought only of yourself, and not how your actions might affect others.