Frustrated with my 21 year old today

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it and that you needed to vent. This is why American colleges typically have dorms. Kids that age are weirdos. A bad combo of wanting some parenting and demanding to be an adult. Sometimes if you engage at all they can bite your head off. You just never know when it is going to happen.

Glad things are better today. Chin up.

That was an off day for us. Thank you.

Also, he wouldn't even qualify for dorms because we are local. On campus housing is for out of town and international students. A lot of kids live at home here while going to post secondary.

I had the same situation as your son. Single mom, I worked and lived at home through college. I would have lost my mind if my mother was in my business like she’d contributed to any of this. You need to back off and appreciate your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WE PAY FOR HIS SCHOOL, HOUSING, AND FOOD!!!!
How many of you missed the fact that he lives for free at home?

His program of study is offered at a University 20 minutes from home. Why the hell would we pay for him to go to school and live elsewhere? That would be complete stupidity. He will graduate next year debt free.

Anyway I also posted that we are back to our usual even keel.

As you probably know the Canadian (and many other countries) approach is different than the US. US 4 year colleges are principally residential while in Canada and elsewhere it is more normal to live at home. So I think people can't really relate to your DS living at home for college. Maybe a Canadian board would understand the dynamic a little better than a DC board?

What is confusing is that you are a single parent but also have a DH?

No. I agree that part was confusing. I was mad and venting.

At 21 I was a single mom to my first child. I've been married for the past 25 years, ds #2 is 21 years old.

In the moment I was mad and needed to vent. There isn't an anonymous board that I can find that is Canadian.

I did point out in the first post that he lives at home for free. His only expenses are his personal expenses so I'm not sure how anyone thought he's paying for school.

The dynamic is that he lives at home rent free and his education is covered.

Perhaps in DC one question is nagging. Here it's just a question.

OP I’m not sure why posters are pestering you; I definitely know of kids who commute to college.

But it’s not the norm. Adult children living with mom is not a great set up.

In poorer areas it is the norm. Not everyone can afford to pay for their kid to go away to college.

Poor people actually kick kids out at 18 when it’s legal. One less mouth to feed.

Some do. Not all. Others have them stay at home, continue working even in community college. contribute to bills and provide childcare/driving to younger siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is looking at all the other 21 yr olds whose parents are able to provide for them and is resentful? My AC lives with me. Finished college education, making decent money in his tech job, will be staying for another 2 years so that can move to another city with a nice cash reserve. we have paid for everything.

I am sure some friends who are struggling and doing it without parental help may feel resentful. We are not rich by any means, but we are in a position to help because we made good decisions in our youth. This mean that my AC had to not worry about college, grad school, house, food, expenses, phone, medical insurance, money, moving cost etc - even though we are MC.

Your son is not getting this kind of leg-up from you. That you were a single mom at 21 means that he did not have a great start in life. He is aware of that.

+1

OP, you sound overbearing. It also sounds like he’s pretty much making his own way in the world and has to deal with your nagging in addition to that.

Tell him you’re proud of him. Buy him the shoes and pick up his favorite meal. Then go away and be quiet. Give this young adult man, who sounds like a hard worker and good person, some peace.

Why on earth did you sign on to this sanctimonious bulls*** that makes sure to get in some digs at the OP (“good choices” ) AND be wrong about the facts of OP’s situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WE PAY FOR HIS SCHOOL, HOUSING, AND FOOD!!!!
How many of you missed the fact that he lives for free at home?

His program of study is offered at a University 20 minutes from home. Why the hell would we pay for him to go to school and live elsewhere? That would be complete stupidity. He will graduate next year debt free.

Anyway I also posted that we are back to our usual even keel.

As you probably know the Canadian (and many other countries) approach is different than the US. US 4 year colleges are principally residential while in Canada and elsewhere it is more normal to live at home. So I think people can't really relate to your DS living at home for college. Maybe a Canadian board would understand the dynamic a little better than a DC board?

What is confusing is that you are a single parent but also have a DH?

No. I agree that part was confusing. I was mad and venting.

At 21 I was a single mom to my first child. I've been married for the past 25 years, ds #2 is 21 years old.

In the moment I was mad and needed to vent. There isn't an anonymous board that I can find that is Canadian.

I did point out in the first post that he lives at home for free. His only expenses are his personal expenses so I'm not sure how anyone thought he's paying for school.

The dynamic is that he lives at home rent free and his education is covered.

Perhaps in DC one question is nagging. Here it's just a question.

OP I’m not sure why posters are pestering you; I definitely know of kids who commute to college.

But it’s not the norm. Adult children living with mom is not a great set up.

In poorer areas it is the norm. Not everyone can afford to pay for their kid to go away to college.

Poor people actually kick kids out at 18 when it’s legal. One less mouth to feed.

Some do. Not all. Others have them stay at home, continue working even in community college. contribute to bills and provide childcare/driving to younger siblings.

I’m the above poster and you’re absolutely correct. Aside from the financial part, I stayed home during college to care for my younger sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is looking at all the other 21 yr olds whose parents are able to provide for them and is resentful? My AC lives with me. Finished college education, making decent money in his tech job, will be staying for another 2 years so that can move to another city with a nice cash reserve. we have paid for everything.

I am sure some friends who are struggling and doing it without parental help may feel resentful. We are not rich by any means, but we are in a position to help because we made good decisions in our youth. This mean that my AC had to not worry about college, grad school, house, food, expenses, phone, medical insurance, money, moving cost etc - even though we are MC.

Your son is not getting this kind of leg-up from you. That you were a single mom at 21 means that he did not have a great start in life. He is aware of that.

+1

OP, you sound overbearing. It also sounds like he’s pretty much making his own way in the world and has to deal with your nagging in addition to that.

Tell him you’re proud of him. Buy him the shoes and pick up his favorite meal. Then go away and be quiet. Give this young adult man, who sounds like a hard worker and good person, some peace.

Why on earth did you sign on to this sanctimonious bulls*** that makes sure to get in some digs at the OP (“good choices” ) AND be wrong about the facts of OP’s situation?

Responded to OP’s original post and info provided there. It’s not sanctimonious to take care of your kids. Sorry you feel that way. You sound insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is looking at all the other 21 yr olds whose parents are able to provide for them and is resentful? My AC lives with me. Finished college education, making decent money in his tech job, will be staying for another 2 years so that can move to another city with a nice cash reserve. we have paid for everything.

I am sure some friends who are struggling and doing it without parental help may feel resentful. We are not rich by any means, but we are in a position to help because we made good decisions in our youth. This mean that my AC had to not worry about college, grad school, house, food, expenses, phone, medical insurance, money, moving cost etc - even though we are MC.

Your son is not getting this kind of leg-up from you. That you were a single mom at 21 means that he did not have a great start in life. He is aware of that.

+1

OP, you sound overbearing. It also sounds like he’s pretty much making his own way in the world and has to deal with your nagging in addition to that.

Tell him you’re proud of him. Buy him the shoes and pick up his favorite meal. Then go away and be quiet. Give this young adult man, who sounds like a hard worker and good person, some peace.

Why on earth did you sign on to this sanctimonious bulls*** that makes sure to get in some digs at the OP (“good choices” ) AND be wrong about the facts of OP’s situation?

Why are you calling PP sanctimonious? There’s no indication pp is either pious or hypocritical, both of which need to be present in order for there to be sanctimony.

[Anonymous]

I have a 21 year old son and he simply is not very receptive to having his parents in his business at this stage of his life. If he lived with us, there would need to be some set boundaries and I would probably need reminders that he is an adult who doesn't need his mother monitoring him, even if those reminders come in the form of an occasional surly attitude. It's normal for OP to want to nag sometimes and it's normal for her DS to put up some resistance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's generally pretty good, but lately... Holy crap.

Background

He's in University full time and works part time. His education is covered by RESPs. He works to pay for his vehicle, phone, and other personal expenses. Our agreement is that as long as the kids are in school, they live here rent free. Ds is stable and consistent. Same part time job for 6 years, and the same girlfriend for almost as long.

Lately he has been downright surly. If I ask him anything I get a short, impatient response. If I tell him anything I get "mmmhmm ". This morning it was about an app I use. He thinks it's "shady" and would never trust it. That went on for a few minutes, how he'll wait to be forced to use it and on and on.


Later I asked him about needing new shoes for work in a while. He said "It doesn't matter I can't afford it." I said "ok well if you NEED them, let me know." I got a disgusted sound and very pissy " Can we just leave it at I can't afford it!"

I'm DONE having my head ripped off over simple things. He's busy, it's stressful. Welcome to life. He complains now? Try being a single mom with a chronically sick kid. That was my life at his age. His dad works full time with a side job that makes for very long days and no free time for weeks. Neither one will be home until 9 pm. Being busy and stressed is not exclusive to being in your 20's, living for free in your parents house. At this rate He better not ever have kids.

Phew. OK. I think I'm done ranting. I know I've got it pretty good with him. His older brother was a nightmare at this age.

He's probably right about the app.

No he isn't. It's a banking app. It's been fine since before he had his own bank account.

To those commenting about my "nagging" with one question about shoes, I asked because I care. He's been complaining about his feet.

If one simple question constitutes nagging he needs to move out so nobody bothers him by speaking to him.

I need to get out of this mood today. Tomorrow though, I will clear out of the main area when I hear his shower. And I'll stop trying to make big batch suppers so he has leftovers to take. Something he expects, but oh well. Make sandwiches. Next time his vehicle quits I won't rearrange things so he can use mine. There's a bus stop close by. Two weeks ago I was told (yes, told) that I would need to take him to school if I couldn't move an appointment.

But God forbid I ask about a pair of shoes.

You need to be the adult, though. If you're going to do all of these things, you need to have a sit down talk with him and tell him your terms and conditions. Talk to him about the attitude, tell him you feel unappreciated for the extra things you do to help him out. tell him what you need, and ask what he needs.

Also, you are resentful of going out of your way for him, so stop. Don't make it a big deal, don't angrily tell him you're done with it it's totally ok for you to say you've been too busy for making big batch dinners, so he's going to have to pack his own lunch. This is really not a big blow to his daily functioning. It won't be the punishment you're imagining. Neither will making him take the bus.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I guess not many of you saw the post where I said we are back on our usual even keel.

Shi!t went really sideways the other day. His vehicle was written off by a drunk driver. He was not in it at the time.

However, this is how things generally go here:

He was of course mad as hell. OF COURSE. I gave him a quick hug before he went about dealing with police and all of that. There were some tears... he is so frustrated. I asked him If I could do anything. He shook his head no so I left it at that.

He is now driving my vehicle, and will until things can be sorted out. He's doing a lot of worrying and venting and I'm just letting him talk. I am so glad that he will say what's on his mind and not bottle it up. Most of it does not require a response.

Thank you to those who can see that I posted about one bad day, because we were both in a bad mood. One simple question/suggestion is not nagging or getting up in someone's business. I just needed to vent.

Onward and upward.

[Anonymous]

Buying him the shoes would be overbearing and all up in his business, since he already made it clear that isn't what he wants.

Some of you don’t make any sense.

I'm overbearing but I should do something he doesn't want me to. Lol

[Anonymous]

I'm team OP here. You sound like a great mom who had a bad day. Glad things are better and that he was not in his vehicle when the drunk driver hit it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is looking at all the other 21 yr olds whose parents are able to provide for them and is resentful? My AC lives with me. Finished college education, making decent money in his tech job, will be staying for another 2 years so that can move to another city with a nice cash reserve. we have paid for everything.

I am sure some friends who are struggling and doing it without parental help may feel resentful. We are not rich by any means, but we are in a position to help because we made good decisions in our youth. This mean that my AC had to not worry about college, grad school, house, food, expenses, phone, medical insurance, money, moving cost etc - even though we are MC.

Your son is not getting this kind of leg-up from you. That you were a single mom at 21 means that he did not have a great start in life. He is aware of that.

+1

OP, you sound overbearing. It also sounds like he’s pretty much making his own way in the world and has to deal with your nagging in addition to that.

Tell him you’re proud of him. Buy him the shoes and pick up his favorite meal. Then go away and be quiet. Give this young adult man, who sounds like a hard worker and good person, some peace.

Why on earth did you sign on to this sanctimonious bulls*** that makes sure to get in some digs at the OP (“good choices” ) AND be wrong about the facts of OP’s situation?

Why are you calling PP sanctimonious? There’s no indication pp is either pious or hypocritical, both of which need to be present in order for there to be sanctimony.

Sanctimonious means making a show of being morally superior to someone. It has nothing to do with being pious or hypocritical.

[Anonymous]

His college experience sounds almost exactly like mine.

I have wonderful parents, but they kinda manipulated us into living at home through college. They said that, wherever we go, they would pay the equivalent of the (very inexpensive) tuition at our hometown college and that would be it. Plus they offered us no help in looking into other schools or housing. This was early 90s so much more difficult to do without parents’ help, and we really had no way of knowing what else was out there. My senior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and got an apartment with a friend. Again, no help or guidance from parents. I couldn’t manage money, got in over my head, got in cc debt, and moved back home. The cc debt piled up and took years to get out of it. Not to mention that I really didn't make a lot of friends in college since I was really just on campus for classes. I moved out of town as soon as I graduated. I managed, but I always felt like I missed out on that transition to adulthood, especially now that I have my own college kids and see how that gradual transition should be, such as - home, dorms, off-campus student housing, apt/house with roommates, studio apt, etc. I love my parents and grateful that they paid for my college, but I really missed out on a real college experience.

So, my advice is to do whatever you can to get him out of the house for the rest of college if at all possible! Maybe he can live on/near campus and get rid of his car so that money could go toward housing?

I have been there. He feels like he is in his 7th year of high school. But he also knows he is fortunate to get free housing and tuition, so he feels guilty complaining.

[Anonymous]

OP how many years of college does he have left? Would it be possible for him to load up on summer courses and graduate in December if he isn’t due to graduate for another year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have that here. One minute they feel ( rightly so) they are adults and their own person, and the next they are still someone’s child. We see ways to help and somethings they are fine with ( your dinners) but other things consciously or unconsciously annoy them.

You are on the right track. Give berth where you need (out of way in mornings) support where you don’t mind ( meals), and engage where you can ( buy the shoes).

He will move on eventually!

Perfect advice. I can SO relate to your son, OP! I lived with my parents for a few months after college due to lease timing. I was very grateful for it (they wouldn’t let me pay them rent even though I could well afford to) and had a great relationship with them. But still, it felt SO constricting to have them around! I was definitely surly when they didn’t deserve it. And for me it was at least time bound. Your son may not see a light at the end of the tunnel. I would suggest be understanding and try to help where you want to and cut back where you don’t. Reduce interactions for a few days (don’t ignore him or anything, just be busy) and he will miss and come back to you.

+1 I moved back in with my parents at 24 for a year and I remember being grumpy with them for no reason (and then feeling bad about it). It's hard when you're used to living alone and then all of a sudden you have someone bugging you about things that you've been handling yourself for a while. Intellectually I knew I was being bratty but something about being home made me fall back into teenager mode.