Frustrated with my 21 year old today

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WE PAY FOR HIS SCHOOL, HOUSING, AND FOOD!!!!
How many of you missed the fact that he lives for free at home?

His program of study is offered at a University 20 minutes from home. Why the hell would we pay for him to go to school and live elsewhere? That would be complete stupidity. He will graduate next year debt free.

Anyway I also posted that we are back to our usual even keel.

As you probably know the Canadian (and many other countries) approach is different than the US. US 4 year colleges are principally residential while in Canada and elsewhere it is more normal to live at home. So I think people can't really relate to your DS living at home for college. Maybe a Canadian board would understand the dynamic a little better than a DC board?

What is confusing is that you are a single parent but also have a DH?

No. I agree that part was confusing. I was mad and venting.

At 21 I was a single mom to my first child. I've been married for the past 25 years, ds #2 is 21 years old.

In the moment I was mad and needed to vent. There isn't an anonymous board that I can find that is Canadian.

I did point out in the first post that he lives at home for free. His only expenses are his personal expenses so I'm not sure how anyone thought he's paying for school.

The dynamic is that he lives at home rent free and his education is covered.

Perhaps in DC one question is nagging. Here it's just a question.

OP I’m not sure why posters are pestering you; I definitely know of kids who commute to college.

But it’s not the norm. Adult children living with mom is not a great set up.

In poorer areas it is the norm. Not everyone can afford to pay for their kid to go away to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WE PAY FOR HIS SCHOOL, HOUSING, AND FOOD!!!!
How many of you missed the fact that he lives for free at home?

His program of study is offered at a University 20 minutes from home. Why the hell would we pay for him to go to school and live elsewhere? That would be complete stupidity. He will graduate next year debt free.

Anyway I also posted that we are back to our usual even keel.

As you probably know the Canadian (and many other countries) approach is different than the US. US 4 year colleges are principally residential while in Canada and elsewhere it is more normal to live at home. So I think people can't really relate to your DS living at home for college. Maybe a Canadian board would understand the dynamic a little better than a DC board?

What is confusing is that you are a single parent but also have a DH?

No. I agree that part was confusing. I was mad and venting.

At 21 I was a single mom to my first child. I've been married for the past 25 years, ds #2 is 21 years old.

In the moment I was mad and needed to vent. There isn't an anonymous board that I can find that is Canadian.

I did point out in the first post that he lives at home for free. His only expenses are his personal expenses so I'm not sure how anyone thought he's paying for school.

The dynamic is that he lives at home rent free and his education is covered.

Perhaps in DC one question is nagging. Here it's just a question.

OP I’m not sure why posters are pestering you; I definitely know of kids who commute to college.

But it’s not the norm. Adult children living with mom is not a great set up.

Mom and Dad.

It doesn't matter if it's the norm. We were both short tempered the other day and I needed to vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WE PAY FOR HIS SCHOOL, HOUSING, AND FOOD!!!!
How many of you missed the fact that he lives for free at home?

His program of study is offered at a University 20 minutes from home. Why the hell would we pay for him to go to school and live elsewhere? That would be complete stupidity. He will graduate next year debt free.

Anyway I also posted that we are back to our usual even keel.

Are you Amish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WE PAY FOR HIS SCHOOL, HOUSING, AND FOOD!!!!
How many of you missed the fact that he lives for free at home?

His program of study is offered at a University 20 minutes from home. Why the hell would we pay for him to go to school and live elsewhere? That would be complete stupidity. He will graduate next year debt free.

Anyway I also posted that we are back to our usual even keel.

As you probably know the Canadian (and many other countries) approach is different than the US. US 4 year colleges are principally residential while in Canada and elsewhere it is more normal to live at home. So I think people can't really relate to your DS living at home for college. Maybe a Canadian board would understand the dynamic a little better than a DC board?

What is confusing is that you are a single parent but also have a DH?

No. I agree that part was confusing. I was mad and venting.

At 21 I was a single mom to my first child. I've been married for the past 25 years, ds #2 is 21 years old.

In the moment I was mad and needed to vent. There isn't an anonymous board that I can find that is Canadian.

I did point out in the first post that he lives at home for free. His only expenses are his personal expenses so I'm not sure how anyone thought he's paying for school.

The dynamic is that he lives at home rent free and his education is covered.

Perhaps in DC one question is nagging. Here it's just a question.

OP I’m not sure why posters are pestering you; I definitely know of kids who commute to college.

But it’s not the norm. Adult children living with mom is not a great set up.

In poorer areas it is the norm. Not everyone can afford to pay for their kid to go away to college.

I bet if you send your kid to University of Miami he would love you more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WE PAY FOR HIS SCHOOL, HOUSING, AND FOOD!!!!
How many of you missed the fact that he lives for free at home?

His program of study is offered at a University 20 minutes from home. Why the hell would we pay for him to go to school and live elsewhere? That would be complete stupidity. He will graduate next year debt free.

Anyway I also posted that we are back to our usual even keel.

As you probably know the Canadian (and many other countries) approach is different than the US. US 4 year colleges are principally residential while in Canada and elsewhere it is more normal to live at home. So I think people can't really relate to your DS living at home for college. Maybe a Canadian board would understand the dynamic a little better than a DC board?

What is confusing is that you are a single parent but also have a DH?

No. I agree that part was confusing. I was mad and venting.

At 21 I was a single mom to my first child. I've been married for the past 25 years, ds #2 is 21 years old.

In the moment I was mad and needed to vent. There isn't an anonymous board that I can find that is Canadian.

I did point out in the first post that he lives at home for free. His only expenses are his personal expenses so I'm not sure how anyone thought he's paying for school.

The dynamic is that he lives at home rent free and his education is covered.

Perhaps in DC one question is nagging. Here it's just a question.

OP I’m not sure why posters are pestering you; I definitely know of kids who commute to college.

But it’s not the norm. Adult children living with mom is not a great set up.

In poorer areas it is the norm. Not everyone can afford to pay for their kid to go away to college.

Poor people actually kick kids out at 18 when it’s legal. One less mouth to feed.

[Anonymous]

He’s busy broke and stressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's generally pretty good, but lately... Holy crap.

Background

He's in University full time and works part time. His education is covered by RESPs. He works to pay for his vehicle, phone, and other personal expenses. Our agreement is that as long as the kids are in school, they live here rent free. Ds is stable and consistent. Same part time job for 6 years, and the same girlfriend for almost as long.

Lately he has been downright surly. If I ask him anything I get a short, impatient response. If I tell him anything I get "mmmhmm ". This morning it was about an app I use. He thinks it's "shady" and would never trust it. That went on for a few minutes, how he'll wait to be forced to use it and on and on.


Later I asked him about needing new shoes for work in a while. He said "It doesn't matter I can't afford it." I said "ok well if you NEED them, let me know." I got a disgusted sound and very pissy " Can we just leave it at I can't afford it!"

I'm DONE having my head ripped off over simple things. He's busy, it's stressful. Welcome to life. He complains now? Try being a single mom with a chronically sick kid. That was my life at his age. His dad works full time with a side job that makes for very long days and no free time for weeks. Neither one will be home until 9 pm. Being busy and stressed is not exclusive to being in your 20's, living for free in your parents house. At this rate He better not ever have kids.

Phew. OK. I think I'm done ranting. I know I've got it pretty good with him. His older brother was a nightmare at this age.

He's probably right about the app.

Ha! I was thinking the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WE PAY FOR HIS SCHOOL, HOUSING, AND FOOD!!!!
How many of you missed the fact that he lives for free at home?

His program of study is offered at a University 20 minutes from home. Why the hell would we pay for him to go to school and live elsewhere? That would be complete stupidity. He will graduate next year debt free.

Anyway I also posted that we are back to our usual even keel.

As you probably know the Canadian (and many other countries) approach is different than the US. US 4 year colleges are principally residential while in Canada and elsewhere it is more normal to live at home. So I think people can't really relate to your DS living at home for college. Maybe a Canadian board would understand the dynamic a little better than a DC board?

What is confusing is that you are a single parent but also have a DH?

No. I agree that part was confusing. I was mad and venting.

At 21 I was a single mom to my first child. I've been married for the past 25 years, ds #2 is 21 years old.

In the moment I was mad and needed to vent. There isn't an anonymous board that I can find that is Canadian.

I did point out in the first post that he lives at home for free. His only expenses are his personal expenses so I'm not sure how anyone thought he's paying for school.

The dynamic is that he lives at home rent free and his education is covered.

Perhaps in DC one question is nagging. Here it's just a question.

OP I’m not sure why posters are pestering you; I definitely know of kids who commute to college.

But it’s not the norm. Adult children living with mom is not a great set up.

In poorer areas it is the norm. Not everyone can afford to pay for their kid to go away to college.

I bet if you send your kid to University of Miami he would love you more.

Are you 5?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t pay for his school, car or clothes yet he has to kiss your ring? Maybe he is resentful.

Most 21 years olds in DMV are away at school paid by parents. Have car paid by parents, phone paid by parents. Heck some of kids friends parents pay for spring break.

Maybe he sees that and is resentful. Who charges kids rent while full time students?

No, most 21 yo in the DMV are not doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Yes, we are Canadian.

That explains a lot.

I called it. I asked if they were from another country and she Got all out of shape about the question ….“what an odd question”. But the truth is she’s a Canadian raising an American and she missing some basic social norms for the US. Bust she’s not open to understanding just want people to agree with her.

She’s a Canadian raising a Canadian, not an immigrant. It amazes me how people took away so much misinformation. Can you people not read?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WE PAY FOR HIS SCHOOL, HOUSING, AND FOOD!!!!
How many of you missed the fact that he lives for free at home?

His program of study is offered at a University 20 minutes from home. Why the hell would we pay for him to go to school and live elsewhere? That would be complete stupidity. He will graduate next year debt free.

Anyway I also posted that we are back to our usual even keel.

As you probably know the Canadian (and many other countries) approach is different than the US. US 4 year colleges are principally residential while in Canada and elsewhere it is more normal to live at home. So I think people can't really relate to your DS living at home for college. Maybe a Canadian board would understand the dynamic a little better than a DC board?

What is confusing is that you are a single parent but also have a DH?

No. I agree that part was confusing. I was mad and venting.

At 21 I was a single mom to my first child. I've been married for the past 25 years, ds #2 is 21 years old.

In the moment I was mad and needed to vent. There isn't an anonymous board that I can find that is Canadian.

I did point out in the first post that he lives at home for free. His only expenses are his personal expenses so I'm not sure how anyone thought he's paying for school.

The dynamic is that he lives at home rent free and his education is covered.

Perhaps in DC one question is nagging. Here it's just a question.

OP I’m not sure why posters are pestering you; I definitely know of kids who commute to college.

But it’s not the norm. Adult children living with mom is not a great set up.

In poorer areas it is the norm. Not everyone can afford to pay for their kid to go away to college.

I bet if you send your kid to University of Miami he would love you more.

Maturity is fundamental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Yes, we are Canadian.

That explains a lot.

I called it. I asked if they were from another country and she Got all out of shape about the question ….“what an odd question”. But the truth is she’s a Canadian raising an American and she missing some basic social norms for the US. Bust she’s not open to understanding just want people to agree with her.

She’s a Canadian raising a Canadian, not an immigrant. It amazes me how people took away so much misinformation. Can you people not read?

A lot seemed to add whatever suited them. It couldn't possibly have been two people having a bad day. That doesn't happen in DC, I bet!

[Anonymous]

OP I get it and that you needed to vent. This is why American colleges typically have dorms. Kids that age are weirdos. A bad combo of wanting some parenting and demanding to be an adult. Sometimes if you engage at all they can bite your head off. You just never know when it is going to happen.

Glad things are better today. Chin up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it and that you needed to vent. This is why American colleges typically have dorms. Kids that age are weirdos. A bad combo of wanting some parenting and demanding to be an adult. Sometimes if you engage at all they can bite your head off. You just never know when it is going to happen.

Glad things are better today. Chin up.

That was an off day for us. Thank you.

Also, he wouldn't even qualify for dorms because we are local. On campus housing is for out of town and international students. A lot of kids live at home here while going to post secondary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is looking at all the other 21 yr olds whose parents are able to provide for them and is resentful? My AC lives with me. Finished college education, making decent money in his tech job, will be staying for another 2 years so that can move to another city with a nice cash reserve. we have paid for everything.

I am sure some friends who are struggling and doing it without parental help may feel resentful. We are not rich by any means, but we are in a position to help because we made good decisions in our youth. This mean that my AC had to not worry about college, grad school, house, food, expenses, phone, medical insurance, money, moving cost etc - even though we are MC.

Your son is not getting this kind of leg-up from you. That you were a single mom at 21 means that he did not have a great start in life. He is aware of that.

+1

OP, you sound overbearing. It also sounds like he’s pretty much making his own way in the world and has to deal with your nagging in addition to that.

Tell him you’re proud of him. Buy him the shoes and pick up his favorite meal. Then go away and be quiet. Give this young adult man, who sounds like a hard worker and good person, some peace.