Frustrated with my 21 year old today

[Anonymous]

You are overbearing

You are needy because your h is never around

He’s not your playmate

You expect too much

Sorry your childhood was worse but stop acting like that was a good thing and throw it out every time you don’t get your way.

How do you bibs besides annoying him and telling him what to do?

You’re an immigrant, correct?

[Anonymous]

Bond non bibs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have that here. One minute they feel ( rightly so) they are adults and their own person, and the next they are still someone’s child. We see ways to help and somethings they are fine with ( your dinners) but other things consciously or unconsciously annoy them.

You are on the right track. Give berth where you need (out of way in mornings) support where you don’t mind ( meals), and engage where you can ( buy the shoes).

He will move on eventually!

Perfect advice. I can SO relate to your son, OP! I lived with my parents for a few months after college due to lease timing. I was very grateful for it (they wouldn’t let me pay them rent even though I could well afford to) and had a great relationship with them. But still, it felt SO constricting to have them around! I was definitely surly when they didn’t deserve it. And for me it was at least time bound. Your son may not see a light at the end of the tunnel. I would suggest be understanding and try to help where you want to and cut back where you don’t. Reduce interactions for a few days (don’t ignore him or anything, just be busy) and he will miss and come back to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's generally pretty good, but lately... Holy crap.

Background

He's in University full time and works part time. His education is covered by RESPs. He works to pay for his vehicle, phone, and other personal expenses. Our agreement is that as long as the kids are in school, they live here rent free. Ds is stable and consistent. Same part time job for 6 years, and the same girlfriend for almost as long.

Lately he has been downright surly. If I ask him anything I get a short, impatient response. If I tell him anything I get "mmmhmm ". This morning it was about an app I use. He thinks it's "shady" and would never trust it. That went on for a few minutes, how he'll wait to be forced to use it and on and on.


Later I asked him about needing new shoes for work in a while. He said "It doesn't matter I can't afford it." I said "ok well if you NEED them, let me know." I got a disgusted sound and very pissy " Can we just leave it at I can't afford it!"

I'm DONE having my head ripped off over simple things. He's busy, it's stressful. Welcome to life. He complains now? Try being a single mom with a chronically sick kid. That was my life at his age. His dad works full time with a side job that makes for very long days and no free time for weeks. Neither one will be home until 9 pm. Being busy and stressed is not exclusive to being in your 20's, living for free in your parents house. At this rate He better not ever have kids.

Phew. OK. I think I'm done ranting. I know I've got it pretty good with him. His older brother was a nightmare at this age.

He's probably right about the app.

No he isn't. It's a banking app. It's been fine since before he had his own bank account.

To those commenting about my "nagging" with one question about shoes, I asked because I care. He's been complaining about his feet.

If one simple question constitutes nagging he needs to move out so nobody bothers him by speaking to him.

I need to get out of this mood today. Tomorrow though, I will clear out of the main area when I hear his shower. And I'll stop trying to make big batch suppers so he has leftovers to take. Something he expects, but oh well. Make sandwiches. Next time his vehicle quits I won't rearrange things so he can use mine. There's a bus stop close by. Two weeks ago I was told (yes, told) that I would need to take him to school if I couldn't move an appointment.

But God forbid I ask about a pair of shoes.

You are the parent, he is your child. You can't win by tit for tat because it will push him away which you won't like. If there is a way for you to pay his rent, it would be nice for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are over reacting. When he mentioned he couldn’t afford new shoes, this is when you tell him you will buy them or pay half or whatever you are comfortable with. From this one discussion, you will not be batching meals, making sandwiches and giving rides. Being a single mother isn’t his fault.

Yeah, maybe he is just snippy and rude, but it also seems like you might be a bit overbearing, or perhaps still relating to him like a child, rather than an adult. How did you react when he criticized the app? Did you express interest, ask questions about why he felt that way, thank him for his concern? Or are you the only one who knows anything or can give advice? How many times have you mentioned things he needs to buy? Do you resent him living at home, even though you agreed to it? I think you need to consider the full dynamic, not just him being snippy or short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are overbearing

You are needy because your h is never around

He’s not your playmate

You expect too much

Sorry your childhood was worse but stop acting like that was a good thing and throw it out every time you don’t get your way.

How do you bibs besides annoying him and telling him what to do?

You’re an immigrant, correct?

OK. So if I make myself scarce,I can't be overbearing.

No I'm not an immigrant. What an odd question.

The whole app thing only came up because he saw what I was doing on my phone. Updating the app.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are overbearing

You are needy because your h is never around

He’s not your playmate

You expect too much

Sorry your childhood was worse but stop acting like that was a good thing and throw it out every time you don’t get your way.

How do you bibs besides annoying him and telling him what to do?

You’re an immigrant, correct?

OK. So if I make myself scarce,I can't be overbearing.

No I'm not an immigrant. What an odd question.

The whole app thing only came up because he saw what I was doing on my phone. Updating the app.

Americans don’t say University, RESP and have children live at home during college… so not odd.

Also, if you’re gonna give him money he doesn’t want new shoes.

There are an infinite shades of gray between scarce and overbearing and because you don’t know that I’m thinking you have a toxic attachment style. Like you will punish him for being “surly” and you read too much into every interaction.

He doesn’t even get home until 9.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, when i get responses like that from my AC I ask them if they’ve taken their anxiety and depression meds. What I know now, I wish I knew earlier, have him psychologically assessed as if he needs support, he may not recognize it himself, and you’re just interpreting it as attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is looking at all the other 21 yr olds whose parents are able to provide for them and is resentful? My AC lives with me. Finished college education, making decent money in his tech job, will be staying for another 2 years so that can move to another city with a nice cash reserve. we have paid for everything.

I am sure some friends who are struggling and doing it without parental help may feel resentful. We are not rich by any means, but we are in a position to help because we made good decisions in our youth. This mean that my AC had to not worry about college, grad school, house, food, expenses, phone, medical insurance, money, moving cost etc - even though we are MC.

Your son is not getting this kind of leg-up from you. That you were a single mom at 21 means that he did not have a great start in life. He is aware of that.

What ARE you talking about? He hasn't had to pay a cent for his education. That's what the RESP's are for. He lives here expense free except for his personal needs. Also stated in the OP. He is covered under dh's medical, too.

I was a single mom at 21 to his older brother. The 21 year old hasn't gone without. He never even had to go to daycare.

What is a RESP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is looking at all the other 21 yr olds whose parents are able to provide for them and is resentful? My AC lives with me. Finished college education, making decent money in his tech job, will be staying for another 2 years so that can move to another city with a nice cash reserve. we have paid for everything.

I am sure some friends who are struggling and doing it without parental help may feel resentful. We are not rich by any means, but we are in a position to help because we made good decisions in our youth. This mean that my AC had to not worry about college, grad school, house, food, expenses, phone, medical insurance, money, moving cost etc - even though we are MC.

Your son is not getting this kind of leg-up from you. That you were a single mom at 21 means that he did not have a great start in life. He is aware of that.

What ARE you talking about? He hasn't had to pay a cent for his education. That's what the RESP's are for. He lives here expense free except for his personal needs. Also stated in the OP. He is covered under dh's medical, too.

I was a single mom at 21 to his older brother. The 21 year old hasn't gone without. He never even had to go to daycare.

What is a RESP?

Canadian 529 I think.

[Anonymous]

Op here.

Wow, I was in a mood yesterday. So was ds. I'm glad I vented here and said nothing to him about it. We are back on our usual even ground today.

[Anonymous]

Op again. Yes, we are Canadian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is looking at all the other 21 yr olds whose parents are able to provide for them and is resentful? My AC lives with me. Finished college education, making decent money in his tech job, will be staying for another 2 years so that can move to another city with a nice cash reserve. we have paid for everything.

I am sure some friends who are struggling and doing it without parental help may feel resentful. We are not rich by any means, but we are in a position to help because we made good decisions in our youth. This mean that my AC had to not worry about college, grad school, house, food, expenses, phone, medical insurance, money, moving cost etc - even though we are MC.

Your son is not getting this kind of leg-up from you. That you were a single mom at 21 means that he did not have a great start in life. He is aware of that.

Holy sanctimommy! You win today’s biggest bozo award 🥈

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is looking at all the other 21 yr olds whose parents are able to provide for them and is resentful? My AC lives with me. Finished college education, making decent money in his tech job, will be staying for another 2 years so that can move to another city with a nice cash reserve. we have paid for everything.

I am sure some friends who are struggling and doing it without parental help may feel resentful. We are not rich by any means, but we are in a position to help because we made good decisions in our youth. This mean that my AC had to not worry about college, grad school, house, food, expenses, phone, medical insurance, money, moving cost etc - even though we are MC.

Your son is not getting this kind of leg-up from you. That you were a single mom at 21 means that he did not have a great start in life. He is aware of that.

Holy sanctimommy! You win today’s biggest bozo award 🥈

She can have a week's worth of awards since ds lives at home rent free, his education is paid for including his parking pass at school. He has medical coverage. His phone and vehicle are his only expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to be honest. You sound a bit overbearing. Why are you nagging your adult child about shoes? He is 21.

I get that housing can be expensive in certain areas, but he needs to leave the nest ASAP. He sounds fine to me. He's probably frustrated that he is stuck at home.

Yup, this exactly.