Frustrated with my 21 year old today

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Wow, I was in a mood yesterday. So was ds. I'm glad I vented here and said nothing to him about it. We are back on our usual even ground today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
He cares about you, since he expressed concern over your use of an app.

You nagged him about buying shoes he can't afford.

When I think about all the 21 year olds I know, he doesn't sound terrible at all - actually pretty normal. You sound extremely whiny today, and that's OK, I get it. You're all tired and stressed. Given each other some grace.

Offering to buy him shoes is not nagging. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

I have a 23-year-old who is a full-time college student and also works to pay his own bills but no household bills. I can relate. You have to lighten up. If he doesen't want you asking him about his shoes, don't. His problem, not yours. If he thinks your banking app is shady, "well, great, good thing you're not using it. lol". That's pretty much how I approach my kid. Don't sweat the small stuff, and just enjoy these last few years you have him at home with you.

For some reason, my kid gets really irritated when I suggest things to him. Like I'll see home roaming around hte kitchen, in the fridge, cabinets, etc. I'll say "hey there are frozen burritos on the 3rd shelf" He thinks I'm telling him what to do and micromanaging him. So guess what, when I see him looking for something or it's obvious he's got the flame on his eggs too high, I completely ignore it and let him figure it out. I'm not trying to stress him or myself out over petty stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 23-year-old who is a full-time college student and also works to pay his own bills but no household bills. I can relate. You have to lighten up. If he doesen't want you asking him about his shoes, don't. His problem, not yours. If he thinks your banking app is shady, "well, great, good thing you're not using it. lol". That's pretty much how I approach my kid. Don't sweat the small stuff, and just enjoy these last few years you have him at home with you.

For some reason, my kid gets really irritated when I suggest things to him. Like I'll see home roaming around hte kitchen, in the fridge, cabinets, etc. I'll say "hey there are frozen burritos on the 3rd shelf" He thinks I'm telling him what to do and micromanaging him. So guess what, when I see him looking for something or it's obvious he's got the flame on his eggs too high, I completely ignore it and let him figure it out. I'm not trying to stress him or myself out over petty stuff.

Thank you. This is generally my approach. Who knew one question about shoes could be such a bad thing?

You hit the nail on the head with the burritos example.

[Anonymous]

You don’t pay for his school, car or clothes yet he has to kiss your ring? Maybe he is resentful.

Most 21 years olds in DMV are away at school paid by parents. Have car paid by parents, phone paid by parents. Heck some of kids friends parents pay for spring break.

Maybe he sees that and is resentful. Who charges kids rent while full time students?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Yes, we are Canadian.

That explains a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t pay for his school, car or clothes yet he has to kiss your ring? Maybe he is resentful.

Most 21 years olds in DMV are away at school paid by parents. Have car paid by parents, phone paid by parents. Heck some of kids friends parents pay for spring break.

Maybe he sees that and is resentful. Who charges kids rent while full time students?

In your bubble, yes.

OP said they (parents) pay for his schooling with a RESP, the equivalent of a 529 account. He should be glad he doesn’t have student loans. Too bad if he is “resentful,” he’s pretty lucky to live with his parents in commuting distance to a university, without having to move cities and pay rent. He needs to grow up and realize that some people have more or less than you in life. He’s too old to act like a spoiled brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t pay for his school, car or clothes yet he has to kiss your ring? Maybe he is resentful.

Most 21 years olds in DMV are away at school paid by parents. Have car paid by parents, phone paid by parents. Heck some of kids friends parents pay for spring break.

Maybe he sees that and is resentful. Who charges kids rent while full time students?

Why are you advocating spoiling young adults?

[Anonymous]

WE PAY FOR HIS SCHOOL, HOUSING, AND FOOD!!!!
How many of you missed the fact that he lives for free at home?

His program of study is offered at a University 20 minutes from home. Why the hell would we pay for him to go to school and live elsewhere? That would be complete stupidity. He will graduate next year debt free.

Anyway I also posted that we are back to our usual even keel.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why people are giving you a hard time, OP. You're doing a lot for your kid and he acted like a jerk in the moment yesterday. Glad things are better today!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WE PAY FOR HIS SCHOOL, HOUSING, AND FOOD!!!!
How many of you missed the fact that he lives for free at home?

His program of study is offered at a University 20 minutes from home. Why the hell would we pay for him to go to school and live elsewhere? That would be complete stupidity. He will graduate next year debt free.

Anyway I also posted that we are back to our usual even keel.

As you probably know the Canadian (and many other countries) approach is different than the US. US 4 year colleges are principally residential while in Canada and elsewhere it is more normal to live at home. So I think people can't really relate to your DS living at home for college. Maybe a Canadian board would understand the dynamic a little better than a DC board?

What is confusing is that you are a single parent but also have a DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WE PAY FOR HIS SCHOOL, HOUSING, AND FOOD!!!!
How many of you missed the fact that he lives for free at home?

His program of study is offered at a University 20 minutes from home. Why the hell would we pay for him to go to school and live elsewhere? That would be complete stupidity. He will graduate next year debt free.

Anyway I also posted that we are back to our usual even keel.

As you probably know the Canadian (and many other countries) approach is different than the US. US 4 year colleges are principally residential while in Canada and elsewhere it is more normal to live at home. So I think people can't really relate to your DS living at home for college. Maybe a Canadian board would understand the dynamic a little better than a DC board?

What is confusing is that you are a single parent but also have a DH?

No. I agree that part was confusing. I was mad and venting.

At 21 I was a single mom to my first child. I've been married for the past 25 years, ds #2 is 21 years old.

In the moment I was mad and needed to vent. There isn't an anonymous board that I can find that is Canadian.

I did point out in the first post that he lives at home for free. His only expenses are his personal expenses so I'm not sure how anyone thought he's paying for school.

The dynamic is that he lives at home rent free and his education is covered.

Perhaps in DC one question is nagging. Here it's just a question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WE PAY FOR HIS SCHOOL, HOUSING, AND FOOD!!!!
How many of you missed the fact that he lives for free at home?

His program of study is offered at a University 20 minutes from home. Why the hell would we pay for him to go to school and live elsewhere? That would be complete stupidity. He will graduate next year debt free.

Anyway I also posted that we are back to our usual even keel.

As you probably know the Canadian (and many other countries) approach is different than the US. US 4 year colleges are principally residential while in Canada and elsewhere it is more normal to live at home. So I think people can't really relate to your DS living at home for college. Maybe a Canadian board would understand the dynamic a little better than a DC board?

What is confusing is that you are a single parent but also have a DH?

No. I agree that part was confusing. I was mad and venting.

At 21 I was a single mom to my first child. I've been married for the past 25 years, ds #2 is 21 years old.

In the moment I was mad and needed to vent. There isn't an anonymous board that I can find that is Canadian.

I did point out in the first post that he lives at home for free. His only expenses are his personal expenses so I'm not sure how anyone thought he's paying for school.

The dynamic is that he lives at home rent free and his education is covered.

Perhaps in DC one question is nagging. Here it's just a question.

OP I’m not sure why posters are pestering you; I definitely know of kids who commute to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Yes, we are Canadian.

That explains a lot.

I called it. I asked if they were from another country and she Got all out of shape about the question ….“what an odd question”. But the truth is she’s a Canadian raising an American and she missing some basic social norms for the US. Bust she’s not open to understanding just want people to agree with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WE PAY FOR HIS SCHOOL, HOUSING, AND FOOD!!!!
How many of you missed the fact that he lives for free at home?

His program of study is offered at a University 20 minutes from home. Why the hell would we pay for him to go to school and live elsewhere? That would be complete stupidity. He will graduate next year debt free.

Anyway I also posted that we are back to our usual even keel.

As you probably know the Canadian (and many other countries) approach is different than the US. US 4 year colleges are principally residential while in Canada and elsewhere it is more normal to live at home. So I think people can't really relate to your DS living at home for college. Maybe a Canadian board would understand the dynamic a little better than a DC board?

What is confusing is that you are a single parent but also have a DH?

No. I agree that part was confusing. I was mad and venting.

At 21 I was a single mom to my first child. I've been married for the past 25 years, ds #2 is 21 years old.

In the moment I was mad and needed to vent. There isn't an anonymous board that I can find that is Canadian.

I did point out in the first post that he lives at home for free. His only expenses are his personal expenses so I'm not sure how anyone thought he's paying for school.

The dynamic is that he lives at home rent free and his education is covered.

Perhaps in DC one question is nagging. Here it's just a question.

OP I’m not sure why posters are pestering you; I definitely know of kids who commute to college.

But it’s not the norm. Adult children living with mom is not a great set up.