Do you think the mean kids get their comeuppance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I saw him at our 20-year reunion. He married the sweetest, goody-goody girl in our class and they have two daughters. I'd like to think he changed, for their sake.

From what I've seen with others, he probably cheats and knows she won't call him out.

Sometimes, it's not a case of "can a leopard change its spots?" But instead, a tiger who has stripes even on its skin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I know I need to focus on my kid, I do, and I know that hoping for "payback" is fruitless, but I'm mostly curious. Why do they keep getting away with it? Will they have repercussions?

Hopefully not - ideally they will receive empathy and guidance from trusted adults.

Your fixation is really misplaced here!!

Oh get a grip. It's a parent who has pain over what their child is suffering expressing this on an anonymous forum. OP already said s/he is focused on her/his child.

To the OP: when your child is in the midst of something like this, it is so hard. You want to fix everything and you can't. You want life to be fair and just and it isn't. All you can do is love your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is dealing with a bully right now. We are doing everything we can, but they keep getting away with it.


Do you think at some point the chronic "mean kids" get what they deserve? Or are they living a consequence-free existence?

You have to be a miserable s.o.b. to bully people. They already have their comeuppance.

I don’t think so. This is what people always say, oh, the bully probably has some issues in their own lives. I have seen that in really serious bullies. But run of the mill mean girls and guys? Those kids seem to come from families that raise them to be entitled and get their way, no matter what that means for other people.

This is my experience, too. Like I can tell the difference between a kid (or adult) who is just lashing out because of their own challenges, taking it out in people, and someone who just dies not care about others or believes their needs are more important.

Like one dead give away is if the person will express remorse or take responsibility if they are called out on it. People from screwed up backgrounds will often apologize quickly, they often are more critical of themselves gif their bad behavior than anyone because they have low self esteem.

But the worst bullies I’ve seen never admit fault. They always have a justification or explanation for their behavior, often one that blames the victim of their bullying. Even if they can be coerced into apologizing, they will make clear that they are just saying their lines. They truly do not care that their actions hurt someone else. And in the cases where I’ve known how someone like this grew up, and what their relationship with parents is, a common thread is that their parents did not hold them accountable at home, they were the favorite and/or their needs were given preference in the family. Sometimes there’s a history of bullying a sibling, but it won’t be seen as bullying in the family— that sibling will be blamed for being annoying or not appreciative enough.

The worst bullies are the ones who were raised to believe they matter more than other people. Look at sociopaths in the public eye, many of them have this background— families who told them “we are better than other people.” It’s messed up and these people are scary.

You're describing a narcissist and these are the biggest bullies of all. They are only interested in feeling special and their power over you. They are broken, dangerous people who lack empathy. They are extremely ugly- monsters, really. They wear masks of fitness, beauty, wealth, to attract the lesser bullies, the supporting cast who are mostly entitled brats wronged away with it. But the true bullies, the narcissists, are indeed empty, sad people inside
Ileveryone should take a read about narcissists,. They are somewhat rare but they pop up in lives here and there and do alot of damage.

[Anonymous]

What you sow you will reap.

I've found in life that sometimes this takes years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I know I need to focus on my kid, I do, and I know that hoping for "payback" is fruitless, but I'm mostly curious. Why do they keep getting away with it? Will they have repercussions?

Life is not fair, OP. There is no why.

OP, I am sorry for what you are going through. Sadly there seem to be less repercussions in our current culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is dealing with a bully right now. We are doing everything we can, but they keep getting away with it.


Do you think at some point the chronic "mean kids" get what they deserve? Or are they living a consequence-free existence?

You have to be a miserable s.o.b. to bully people. They already have their comeuppance.

I don’t think so. This is what people always say, oh, the bully probably has some issues in their own lives. I have seen that in really serious bullies. But run of the mill mean girls and guys? Those kids seem to come from families that raise them to be entitled and get their way, no matter what that means for other people.

This is my experience, too. Like I can tell the difference between a kid (or adult) who is just lashing out because of their own challenges, taking it out in people, and someone who just dies not care about others or believes their needs are more important.

Like one dead give away is if the person will express remorse or take responsibility if they are called out on it. People from screwed up backgrounds will often apologize quickly, they often are more critical of themselves gif their bad behavior than anyone because they have low self esteem.

But the worst bullies I’ve seen never admit fault. They always have a justification or explanation for their behavior, often one that blames the victim of their bullying. Even if they can be coerced into apologizing, they will make clear that they are just saying their lines. They truly do not care that their actions hurt someone else. And in the cases where I’ve known how someone like this grew up, and what their relationship with parents is, a common thread is that their parents did not hold them accountable at home, they were the favorite and/or their needs were given preference in the family. Sometimes there’s a history of bullying a sibling, but it won’t be seen as bullying in the family— that sibling will be blamed for being annoying or not appreciative enough.

The worst bullies are the ones who were raised to believe they matter more than other people. Look at sociopaths in the public eye, many of them have this background— families who told them “we are better than other people.” It’s messed up and these people are scary.

You're describing a narcissist and these are the biggest bullies of all. They are only interested in feeling special and their power over you. They are broken, dangerous people who lack empathy. They are extremely ugly- monsters, really. They wear masks of fitness, beauty, wealth, to attract the lesser bullies, the supporting cast who are mostly entitled brats wronged away with it. But the true bullies, the narcissists, are indeed empty, sad people inside
Ileveryone should take a read about narcissists,. They are somewhat rare but they pop up in lives here and there and do alot of damage.

+ it's as important to teach your teen how to spot a narcissist and how to handle them as any other predator because that's what they do.. prey on others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is dealing with a bully right now. We are doing everything we can, but they keep getting away with it.


Do you think at some point the chronic "mean kids" get what they deserve? Or are they living a consequence-free existence?

You have to be a miserable s.o.b. to bully people. They already have their comeuppance.

I don’t think so. This is what people always say, oh, the bully probably has some issues in their own lives. I have seen that in really serious bullies. But run of the mill mean girls and guys? Those kids seem to come from families that raise them to be entitled and get their way, no matter what that means for other people.

This is my experience, too. Like I can tell the difference between a kid (or adult) who is just lashing out because of their own challenges, taking it out in people, and someone who just dies not care about others or believes their needs are more important.

Like one dead give away is if the person will express remorse or take responsibility if they are called out on it. People from screwed up backgrounds will often apologize quickly, they often are more critical of themselves gif their bad behavior than anyone because they have low self esteem.

But the worst bullies I’ve seen never admit fault. They always have a justification or explanation for their behavior, often one that blames the victim of their bullying. Even if they can be coerced into apologizing, they will make clear that they are just saying their lines. They truly do not care that their actions hurt someone else. And in the cases where I’ve known how someone like this grew up, and what their relationship with parents is, a common thread is that their parents did not hold them accountable at home, they were the favorite and/or their needs were given preference in the family. Sometimes there’s a history of bullying a sibling, but it won’t be seen as bullying in the family— that sibling will be blamed for being annoying or not appreciative enough.

The worst bullies are the ones who were raised to believe they matter more than other people. Look at sociopaths in the public eye, many of them have this background— families who told them “we are better than other people.” It’s messed up and these people are scary.

You're describing a narcissist and these are the biggest bullies of all. They are only interested in feeling special and their power over you. They are broken, dangerous people who lack empathy. They are extremely ugly- monsters, really. They wear masks of fitness, beauty, wealth, to attract the lesser bullies, the supporting cast who are mostly entitled brats wronged away with it. But the true bullies, the narcissists, are indeed empty, sad people inside
Ileveryone should take a read about narcissists,. They are somewhat rare but they pop up in lives here and there and do alot of damage.

I feel like you just described a lot of people who are successful climbing the corporate ladder. What does that say about our society?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is dealing with a bully right now. We are doing everything we can, but they keep getting away with it.


Do you think at some point the chronic "mean kids" get what they deserve? Or are they living a consequence-free existence?

You have to be a miserable s.o.b. to bully people. They already have their comeuppance.

I don’t think so. This is what people always say, oh, the bully probably has some issues in their own lives. I have seen that in really serious bullies. But run of the mill mean girls and guys? Those kids seem to come from families that raise them to be entitled and get their way, no matter what that means for other people.

This is my experience, too. Like I can tell the difference between a kid (or adult) who is just lashing out because of their own challenges, taking it out in people, and someone who just dies not care about others or believes their needs are more important.

Like one dead give away is if the person will express remorse or take responsibility if they are called out on it. People from screwed up backgrounds will often apologize quickly, they often are more critical of themselves gif their bad behavior than anyone because they have low self esteem.

But the worst bullies I’ve seen never admit fault. They always have a justification or explanation for their behavior, often one that blames the victim of their bullying. Even if they can be coerced into apologizing, they will make clear that they are just saying their lines. They truly do not care that their actions hurt someone else. And in the cases where I’ve known how someone like this grew up, and what their relationship with parents is, a common thread is that their parents did not hold them accountable at home, they were the favorite and/or their needs were given preference in the family. Sometimes there’s a history of bullying a sibling, but it won’t be seen as bullying in the family— that sibling will be blamed for being annoying or not appreciative enough.

The worst bullies are the ones who were raised to believe they matter more than other people. Look at sociopaths in the public eye, many of them have this background— families who told them “we are better than other people.” It’s messed up and these people are scary.

You're describing a narcissist and these are the biggest bullies of all. They are only interested in feeling special and their power over you. They are broken, dangerous people who lack empathy. They are extremely ugly- monsters, really. They wear masks of fitness, beauty, wealth, to attract the lesser bullies, the supporting cast who are mostly entitled brats wronged away with it. But the true bullies, the narcissists, are indeed empty, sad people inside
Ileveryone should take a read about narcissists,. They are somewhat rare but they pop up in lives here and there and do alot of damage.

I feel like you just described a lot of people who are successful climbing the corporate ladder. What does that say about our society?

Absolutely narcissists succeed in corporate environment especially managing (where they take credit for others work) and in sales where they mask and lie. That's another reason why teaching kids how to recognize them is so important. A narcissistic boss is miserable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is dealing with a bully right now. We are doing everything we can, but they keep getting away with it.


Do you think at some point the chronic "mean kids" get what they deserve? Or are they living a consequence-free existence?

You have to be a miserable s.o.b. to bully people. They already have their comeuppance.

I don’t think so. This is what people always say, oh, the bully probably has some issues in their own lives. I have seen that in really serious bullies. But run of the mill mean girls and guys? Those kids seem to come from families that raise them to be entitled and get their way, no matter what that means for other people.

This is my experience, too. Like I can tell the difference between a kid (or adult) who is just lashing out because of their own challenges, taking it out in people, and someone who just dies not care about others or believes their needs are more important.

Like one dead give away is if the person will express remorse or take responsibility if they are called out on it. People from screwed up backgrounds will often apologize quickly, they often are more critical of themselves gif their bad behavior than anyone because they have low self esteem.

But the worst bullies I’ve seen never admit fault. They always have a justification or explanation for their behavior, often one that blames the victim of their bullying. Even if they can be coerced into apologizing, they will make clear that they are just saying their lines. They truly do not care that their actions hurt someone else. And in the cases where I’ve known how someone like this grew up, and what their relationship with parents is, a common thread is that their parents did not hold them accountable at home, they were the favorite and/or their needs were given preference in the family. Sometimes there’s a history of bullying a sibling, but it won’t be seen as bullying in the family— that sibling will be blamed for being annoying or not appreciative enough.

The worst bullies are the ones who were raised to believe they matter more than other people. Look at sociopaths in the public eye, many of them have this background— families who told them “we are better than other people.” It’s messed up and these people are scary.

One of these people was recently our president.

[Anonymous]

It may take decades, but yes, it may come in the form of an awful divorce or children who cut off contact with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you sow you will reap.

I've found in life that sometimes this takes years.

+1

They will get what they deserve, but you'll be long past caring by then. And they'll never connect the dots anyway.

[Anonymous]

Somoe of them get their comeuppance from their adult children if their adult children can accurately see their parent. It took me decades to figure out my mother is a mean girl turned old, mean woman who shamelessly lies, bullies and manipulates her way through life becuase she thinks paid employment is beneath her. She likes to bully people with disabilities, illnesses and other special needs. I permanently severed ties with her--and she deserves every bit of the confusion, shame and isolation that comes with that deciision. No really, she does.

The only reason she got her comeuppance was because I took a stand. Bullies sail through life without consequence..unless someone does something. Sometimes, no one does anything. I wish we lived in a universe where it was guaranteed that bullies would eventually pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somoe of them get their comeuppance from their adult children if their adult children can accurately see their parent. It took me decades to figure out my mother is a mean girl turned old, mean woman who shamelessly lies, bullies and manipulates her way through life becuase she thinks paid employment is beneath her. She likes to bully people with disabilities, illnesses and other special needs. I permanently severed ties with her--and she deserves every bit of the confusion, shame and isolation that comes with that deciision. No really, she does.

The only reason she got her comeuppance was because I took a stand. Bullies sail through life without consequence..unless someone does something. Sometimes, no one does anything. I wish we lived in a universe where it was guaranteed that bullies would eventually pay.

I wonder about this with a woman who bullied me relentlessly in my first job out of college. She has two daughters and when I think of her, I think of them and wonder what their experience with her as a mother is.

The thing that made her such an awful bully is that she was very covert about it. Classic mean girl tactics, actually. She befriended me my first day in the office, was very complimentary and ushered me into her clique. She was a relentless gossip but she'd do it in this very specific way that made it sound like she was expressing sympathy with her target, or was worried about them. Like "I'm very concerned about Larla -- she screwed up that project last week and her manager is really frustrated with her, but I suspect she's having marital issues and that's what's got her off her game." In the moment you'd think wow, you are very compassionate to think about our colleague in that way, but then later you'd realize it was just a subtle way for her to talk $hit about Larla's work performance (which had nothing to do with her) and private life. She did this with everyone. She also collected a bunch of little acolytes (I was definitely one of them my first few months on the job, before I figured out who she was) and they'd do a lot of her dirty work for her -- she'd tell them things "in confidence" about other people in the office and then they'd go and gossip incessantly about this, and in this way she would seem above the fray even though she was almost always the source of these rumors. She'd also weaponize her own vulnerabilities if anyone called her on her behavior -- on the very rare occasion someone would call her out, she'd immediately get very emotional and upset and her acolytes would swarm around her to protect her and ultimately the person who'd said something to her would wind up apologizing. I saw this happen multiple times.

She is probably the scariest person I've ever encountered as an adult because she was so good at what she did. She destroyed people's careers. I can think of a half dozen people who left not only that organization but the industry we worked in after being targeted by her with gossip and getting blackballed by her little group. There were at least three of us who wound up in counseling as we left because the experience was so demoralizing -- this happened years ago but occasionally it still comes up in therapy for me because the scars went very deep.

Anyway, I think of her daughters and I wonder if she does this stuff with them and what that must be like. Or maybe because they are her kids she uses this behavior to protect them, which I think could also have negative impacts longterm because they could either learn this from her or others might learn not to trust them because their mom is a sociopath. I hope for their sake that she has either changed or just doesn't do this stuff with them, only at work. But I still wouldn't want to be her daughter. I think, like you, they'd discover one day what their mom was and it would harm them.

I wonder how she got that way.

[Anonymous]

Many parlay their meanness right over into the workforce and land in top, but underdeserved positions where they build on their meanness. From our life experience anyway.

[Anonymous]

Undeserved!