Parents with 3+ kids and 2 full-time jobs, how do you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 (ages 2, 6 and 8) and both work full time and have never had a stay at home parent. DH is a law firm partner and I am a manager with a team of 6. I work from home 4 days a week and since the pandemic DH has gone in between 1-3 days a week. Prior to the pandemic (and prior to becoming a partner) he put in a ton of hours at the office. He still works a lot, usually 50-60 hours a week, and I work normal hours. We have never had a nanny and non of our parents live close by.

I am ruthless about organization, meal prep, staying on top of things for kids. DH is also very organized and tries to help as much as his schedule allows. All our kids do activities throughout the year: swim, soccer, softball, Girl Scouts, etc. two oldest are in all day school but no aftercare and youngest is in full time daycare.

We live in a close in suburb - about 10 miles from DH’s job. It’s hard but we manage. It obviously has become easier as the youngest has gotten older.

This sounds absolutely exhausting. Good luck

Yes, I'm confused why they don't have a nanny or hire more help. It seems like they have the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 (ages 2, 6 and 8) and both work full time and have never had a stay at home parent. DH is a law firm partner and I am a manager with a team of 6. I work from home 4 days a week and since the pandemic DH has gone in between 1-3 days a week. Prior to the pandemic (and prior to becoming a partner) he put in a ton of hours at the office. He still works a lot, usually 50-60 hours a week, and I work normal hours. We have never had a nanny and non of our parents live close by.

I am ruthless about organization, meal prep, staying on top of things for kids. DH is also very organized and tries to help as much as his schedule allows. All our kids do activities throughout the year: swim, soccer, softball, Girl Scouts, etc. two oldest are in all day school but no aftercare and youngest is in full time daycare.

We live in a close in suburb - about 10 miles from DH’s job. It’s hard but we manage. It obviously has become easier as the youngest has gotten older.

This sounds absolutely exhausting. Good luck

Yes, I'm confused why they don't have a nanny or hire more help. It seems like they have the money.

We have a nanny and at times I can see how daycare could be easier. They often feed the kids and the kids aren't around the house all day to trash it / use things up / require lots of activities in the house etc. Also if you work from home you can more freely move about your house to get other things done (laundry, dinner started etc) w/o messing things up for the nanny / kids by causing a meltdown. I often feel trapped in my room unable to get any non-work thing done b/c i don't want to upset the kids by seeing me when I can't play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 (ages 2, 6 and 8) and both work full time and have never had a stay at home parent. DH is a law firm partner and I am a manager with a team of 6. I work from home 4 days a week and since the pandemic DH has gone in between 1-3 days a week. Prior to the pandemic (and prior to becoming a partner) he put in a ton of hours at the office. He still works a lot, usually 50-60 hours a week, and I work normal hours. We have never had a nanny and non of our parents live close by.

I am ruthless about organization, meal prep, staying on top of things for kids. DH is also very organized and tries to help as much as his schedule allows. All our kids do activities throughout the year: swim, soccer, softball, Girl Scouts, etc. two oldest are in all day school but no aftercare and youngest is in full time daycare.

We live in a close in suburb - about 10 miles from DH’s job. It’s hard but we manage. It obviously has become easier as the youngest has gotten older.

This sounds absolutely exhausting. Good luck

Yes, I'm confused why they don't have a nanny or hire more help. It seems like they have the money.

We have a nanny and at times I can see how daycare could be easier. They often feed the kids and the kids aren't around the house all day to trash it / use things up / require lots of activities in the house etc. Also if you work from home you can more freely move about your house to get other things done (laundry, dinner started etc) w/o messing things up for the nanny / kids by causing a meltdown. I often feel trapped in my room unable to get any non-work thing done b/c i don't want to upset the kids by seeing me when I can't play.

You need a better nanny. Ours is very engaging and the kids love her. When DH or I make an appearance they run to us for hugs and kisses, the verbal one chats for a minute, and then they return to whatever they were doing. Often before we’ve even left the room!

[Anonymous]

3 boys 9, 6, and 2. Both DH and I work full time, all children are in full time 7:30am-6pm situations (daycare for baby + before and aftercare for older). Local grandparents heavily involved, we do no activities. No sports of any kind, nothing over the weekend. This is how we stay afloat, and it is a lot and I am overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Four kids: 9, 7, 5, 2.

We both have some flexibility. DH is self-employed. I work remotely 3 days per week, in-office 2 days per week.

We have local grandparents helping out.

We live pretty close to everything. My office is the furthest place that any of us regularly drive, at 20 minutes away.

Kids are relatively easy ones, as far as kids go.

All our kids' extra-curricular activities are relaxed, rec level. No demanding practices, rehearsals, or travel. We are open to supporting a kid who would want to do something more seriously, but it hasn't come up yet.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if my 2 kids are just more sensitive than others, or if I'm doing something wrong/differently, but I feel like when we get home from work and school (at 5 or so) they're both craving our undivided attention to the extent that I don't know how we'd meet the needs of a third. DH and I both work out of the home and have mornings (until 8:30) and evenings (5pm until bedtime) with them. Kids are 4 and 6 and I feel like it's a rare evening where one of them is content without lots of attention from us. I can't envision how we'd fit a third into this mix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 boys 9, 6, and 2. Both DH and I work full time, all children are in full time 7:30am-6pm situations (daycare for baby + before and aftercare for older). Local grandparents heavily involved, we do no activities. No sports of any kind, nothing over the weekend. This is how we stay afloat, and it is a lot and I am overwhelmed.

If you want to sign them up for an activity that requires no work on your end, piano lessons is a good one. You can find a teacher who will come to your house, and you might even get a bit of a parenting break. Any musical instrument could work.

[Anonymous]

I have three who are a bit older now. 13, 10, and 7. The challenges change, and I ended up going down to 80% to manage (DH works 65-70 hours/week). At this particular point, the challenge is around getting them where they need to be, having a parent to support at sports games, etc. We tend to be friends with other large families so we can swap driving at different events. WE have never had family around, though now the tables have turned there and my parents really need my help - having them a plane ride away makes it so that I can't help except in emergencies and then everything goes to heck. All three of my kids are very involved in sports and music; our lives would be a lot simpler had we chosen not to do that but they love it and that ship has sailed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 boys 9, 6, and 2. Both DH and I work full time, all children are in full time 7:30am-6pm situations (daycare for baby + before and aftercare for older). Local grandparents heavily involved, we do no activities. No sports of any kind, nothing over the weekend. This is how we stay afloat, and it is a lot and I am overwhelmed.

If you want to sign them up for an activity that requires no work on your end, piano lessons is a good one. You can find a teacher who will come to your house, and you might even get a bit of a parenting break. Any musical instrument could work.

Highly recommend music as well, piano is good to start, but I would lean towards or progress to a band or orchestra instrument because it’s easy to make that into an extracurricular at school down the road which will give you even less of a commute. If your child becomes passionate when he is older about an instrument he can try out for advanced programs like all city or state orchestras etc.

[Anonymous]

3 boys 9, 6, and 2. Both DH and I work full time, all children are in full time 7:30am-6pm situations (daycare for baby + before and aftercare for older). Local grandparents heavily involved, we do no activities. No sports of any kind, nothing over the weekend. This is how we stay afloat, and it is a lot and I am overwhelmed.

^^
Honestly this is not fair to your 9 year old. NO extracurricular activities at all except for aftercare? What are you doing all this work for? Create a situation where your 9 year old can pursue at least one activity outside of school.

[Anonymous]

Two full time parents, 7/5/3 mix of genders. We have no local help from family at all. Well, I shouldn't say none I have a local aunt and cousin but they provide no childcare for us... if we all have the flu or something they will drop off a casserole or if something happened they would help a bit I think?

I think generally key elements

1) We both have flexible jobs and both work from home. At one point my husband had like a 20 minute commute and honestly that would be fine too. This allows me to work out during the work day, which I think is really critical for a lot of reasons, mental health, physical health etc

2) Our kids are in full time care. We had a nanny briefly when none were in school, now the older two are in aftercare after elementary and the youngest in pre-k and aftercare. Full time care is important, COVID was hard on us. But the care has always been very close to home (takes me 20 minutes or less to leave my house and pick up all three and get back home at the end of the day)

3) We are on top of registrations for stuff so that all the kids are in the same place ie, I was up and ready at 6am this week for a camp registration that lets me bring all three to the same camp all summer for full day camp. We get on that swim class registration so that all three are in swim class on saturday mornings between 10-11. Etc. We combine activities when at all possible and we take advantage of programs offered by the school after programs

4) We teach independence really early on. All of my kids could dress themselves at 2, can eat, etc. And I rely on crutches longer than other people think I should when I don't think they are ready. So they used sippy cups for way too long and probably wore diapers too long. They all get up in the morning and can get snacks/turn on tv etc. And not in a neglectful way we're there if they need help and we don't shame them for needing help or make the 7 year old take care of them we just really promote independence. Which honestly has its own pitfalls TBH, they are all very opinionated!

5) My husband pulls his weight. I do all the food, he does all the clothes, for everyone, even my laundry (obvi does not shop for me). We are a TEAM. And not just in name we are proactively there for each other. And we prioritize occasional (once a month or more) date nights and intimacy because liking each other is important to a core value of our marriage which is that we're always trying to make each other's lives easier and we're not keeping score.

We are definitely not interested in a fourth but do feel like we are happy and all our kids are happy and fulfilled. We are worried about when they get older and all need rides in 10 different directions. I think our kids will have to live with the fact that we will not really entertain a travel sports team or something like gymnastics where the family unit as a whole has to devote that much time to one child's activity

[Anonymous]

/\ oh and critically we have a biweekly cleaner

[Anonymous]

Why are all these families on here not getting nannies when from the parents' job descriptions they can clearly afford one?

A nanny is the answer -- they provide childcare to the little one(s) and drive older kids to activities. I know many families that have kept a full-time nanny even once all their kids were in elementary, and they think it's basically the best money ever spent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are all these families on here not getting nannies when from the parents' job descriptions they can clearly afford one?

A nanny is the answer -- they provide childcare to the little one(s) and drive older kids to activities. I know many families that have kept a full-time nanny even once all their kids were in elementary, and they think it's basically the best money ever spent.

DP - because I never wanted an employee, which is what a nanny is. Our kids benefitted from attending their well-run daycare; we couldn’t have afforded a fantastic nanny *and* great preschool.

I’m all for carpooling, but as the parent of a tween, driving them to activities is great connecting time. Parents who never or rarely drive their kids to activities are missing out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two full time parents, 7/5/3 mix of genders. We have no local help from family at all. Well, I shouldn't say none I have a local aunt and cousin but they provide no childcare for us... if we all have the flu or something they will drop off a casserole or if something happened they would help a bit I think?

I think generally key elements

1) We both have flexible jobs and both work from home. At one point my husband had like a 20 minute commute and honestly that would be fine too. This allows me to work out during the work day, which I think is really critical for a lot of reasons, mental health, physical health etc

2) Our kids are in full time care. We had a nanny briefly when none were in school, now the older two are in aftercare after elementary and the youngest in pre-k and aftercare. Full time care is important, COVID was hard on us. But the care has always been very close to home (takes me 20 minutes or less to leave my house and pick up all three and get back home at the end of the day)

3) We are on top of registrations for stuff so that all the kids are in the same place ie, I was up and ready at 6am this week for a camp registration that lets me bring all three to the same camp all summer for full day camp. We get on that swim class registration so that all three are in swim class on saturday mornings between 10-11. Etc. We combine activities when at all possible and we take advantage of programs offered by the school after programs

4) We teach independence really early on. All of my kids could dress themselves at 2, can eat, etc. And I rely on crutches longer than other people think I should when I don't think they are ready. So they used sippy cups for way too long and probably wore diapers too long. They all get up in the morning and can get snacks/turn on tv etc. And not in a neglectful way we're there if they need help and we don't shame them for needing help or make the 7 year old take care of them we just really promote independence. Which honestly has its own pitfalls TBH, they are all very opinionated!

5) My husband pulls his weight. I do all the food, he does all the clothes, for everyone, even my laundry (obvi does not shop for me). We are a TEAM. And not just in name we are proactively there for each other. And we prioritize occasional (once a month or more) date nights and intimacy because liking each other is important to a core value of our marriage which is that we're always trying to make each other's lives easier and we're not keeping score.

We are definitely not interested in a fourth but do feel like we are happy and all our kids are happy and fulfilled. We are worried about when they get older and all need rides in 10 different directions. I think our kids will have to live with the fact that we will not really entertain a travel sports team or something like gymnastics where the family unit as a whole has to devote that much time to one child's activity

I’m not the OP, but we’re also considering a third, and this sounds like exactly what we’d like. I feel like we’re on a good path. The one thing I’m struggling with is some of the independence stuff. We’re still completely dressing and undressing our almost three year old. He can pull down his pants/underwear to use the potty, and he takes his socks off, but that’s it. I’ve been trying to have him take his pajama pants off in the morning, but he’s slow to wake up and he just turns into a useless puddle, basically. And at night, it becomes a bedtime stall technique. I haven’t been pushing it. What approach would you recommend here?