Parents with 3+ kids and 2 full-time jobs, how do you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have three and we both work full-time. Dad has always worked remotely. I only go into the office once a week. We don't have outside help. Working remotely definitely gives us more time to get stuff done. But both parents need to pull their weight dividing up both child care duties and cooking and cleaning duties. If DH wants another kid and he thinks he can manage with another kid but you can't, he is not currently pulling his weight right now. That is, you are likely doing the brunt of child and household responsibilities.

OP here. The kids are 3.5 years old and 6 months. Surprisingly, DH does pull his weight domestically. He does at least half of the household duties and childcare. The issue might be I'm not great with time management and also need/want a lot more sleep than him. In addition, my hobbies are almost all out-of-the-house while his are done online. So I have temporarily dropped all of my hobbies and am eagerly looking forward to getting back into them. We also have a nanny and both sets of grandparents nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have three and we both work full-time. Dad has always worked remotely. I only go into the office once a week. We don't have outside help. Working remotely definitely gives us more time to get stuff done. But both parents need to pull their weight dividing up both child care duties and cooking and cleaning duties. If DH wants another kid and he thinks he can manage with another kid but you can't, he is not currently pulling his weight right now. That is, you are likely doing the brunt of child and household responsibilities.

OP here. The kids are 3.5 years old and 6 months. Surprisingly, DH does pull his weight domestically. He does at least half of the household duties and childcare. The issue might be I'm not great with time management and also need/want a lot more sleep than him. In addition, my hobbies are almost all out-of-the-house while his are done online. So I have temporarily dropped all of my hobbies and am eagerly looking forward to getting back into them. We also have a nanny and both sets of grandparents nearby.

DP - only have another if you get to a place where you don’t feel overwhelmed with two. I don’t need a ton of sleep (7 hours is fine with me) and I also have outstanding executive function. That helps a TON and it’s also nothing I worked at, just got lucky with.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Our jobs are 40-45 hours a week each, flexible, and DH mostly works from home as well. I think I just get easily distracted. I can focus well when I'm not tired and very happy/fulfilled. Otherwise, it's hit or miss. I also get PPD after each birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents and jobs that, while full-time, are flexible.

I'm going to be leaving early this afternoon, then work from home from 10PM - 1AM.

Oh yeah, also, ages matter. We had a stay at home parent while the kids were young, then shifted to part time, then full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents and jobs that, while full-time, are flexible.

I'm going to be leaving early this afternoon, then work from home from 10PM - 1AM.

Oh yeah, also, ages matter. We had a stay at home parent while the kids were young, then shifted to part time, then full time.

What fields? DH and I want 3 kids but both of us would work full time. If society was well-organized I'd be happy to drop out of the workforce for a few years and so would he, but I feel like it would be impossible to get back.

[Anonymous]

We have 2 in elementary. I work remotely except 1 day a month. My spouse is remote 3 days a week. We can walk to to elementary school in less than 5 min. And yet - we still have days when both kids need to be in different places at the same time.

Families with 3 kids:
1. Carpool
2. Have an au pair or grandparents who help
3. Don’t let their kids do sports and only do activities where 2 or 3 kids attend the same time and location.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have three and we both work full-time. Dad has always worked remotely. I only go into the office once a week. We don't have outside help. Working remotely definitely gives us more time to get stuff done. But both parents need to pull their weight dividing up both child care duties and cooking and cleaning duties. If DH wants another kid and he thinks he can manage with another kid but you can't, he is not currently pulling his weight right now. That is, you are likely doing the brunt of child and household responsibilities.

OP here. The kids are 3.5 years old and 6 months. Surprisingly, DH does pull his weight domestically. He does at least half of the household duties and childcare. The issue might be I'm not great with time management and also need/want a lot more sleep than him. In addition, my hobbies are almost all out-of-the-house while his are done online. So I have temporarily dropped all of my hobbies and am eagerly looking forward to getting back into them. We also have a nanny and both sets of grandparents nearby.

Unpopular opinion- if you want your kids to be able to play sports, go to swim lessons, join girl/cub scouts, go to different camps, etc. I don’t think you should have a 3rd until your oldest is at least halfway through kindergarten, ideally 1st grade so you have a whole year of random days with no school for grade prep and a summer of registering and paying for camp under your belt. This is not about making it through infancy - this is about whether you can handle the logistics of the activities your kids will want to do.

[Anonymous]

Daycare and then aftercare. No family help or significant money for this board. Older ones were five (in kinder) and 3 when baby was born.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 and couldn’t do it with our careers (both senior roles that needed us when they needed us and required some travel). Sick days were what killed us, the more kids you have the more illnesses coming into your house and the more people they have to work through.

But the people that I know what do make it work with 3 generally:

Have jobs that they can leave / stop at a predictable time each day
Have an au pair or grandparent when kids start to have activities

[Anonymous]

With remote work it’s absolutely manageable even without ‘grandparent help.’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Our jobs are 40-45 hours a week each, flexible, and DH mostly works from home as well. I think I just get easily distracted. I can focus well when I'm not tired and very happy/fulfilled. Otherwise, it's hit or miss. I also get PPD after each birth.

How severe was your PPD? How long did it last? Was treatment effective? This would be a huge consideration for me when balancing two small children and issues with sleep.

Budget in a night nanny and switch to formula early to accommodate your need for sleep. I would imagine sleep affects PPD as well?

[Anonymous]

We have three and both work full time. DW is full time work at home and business owner so more flexible. DH is FT and works out of the house. We had a nanny 35 hrs per week in the early years. Once 3rd kid went to K, nanny stayed on for only 20 hrs per week to help with cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. 3rd kid is 2nd and we do not have a nanny at all but have cleaners 2x/month.

It is definitely a struggle with all of the activities but the WFH element is a life saver.

[Anonymous]

3 kids, now middle school age. Nothing magic. We have short commutes (10 minutes for me, 25 for spouse), and had full time day care and then school with aftercare. We did and do some activities, but not a lot and nothing hugely time demanding. And of course, remember that it gets easier in many ways as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have three and we both work full-time. Dad has always worked remotely. I only go into the office once a week. We don't have outside help. Working remotely definitely gives us more time to get stuff done. But both parents need to pull their weight dividing up both child care duties and cooking and cleaning duties. If DH wants another kid and he thinks he can manage with another kid but you can't, he is not currently pulling his weight right now. That is, you are likely doing the brunt of child and household responsibilities.

OP here. The kids are 3.5 years old and 6 months. Surprisingly, DH does pull his weight domestically. He does at least half of the household duties and childcare. The issue might be I'm not great with time management and also need/want a lot more sleep than him. In addition, my hobbies are almost all out-of-the-house while his are done online. So I have temporarily dropped all of my hobbies and am eagerly looking forward to getting back into them. We also have a nanny and both sets of grandparents nearby.

Unpopular opinion- if you want your kids to be able to play sports, go to swim lessons, join girl/cub scouts, go to different camps, etc. I don’t think you should have a 3rd until your oldest is at least halfway through kindergarten, ideally 1st grade so you have a whole year of random days with no school for grade prep and a summer of registering and paying for camp under your belt. This is not about making it through infancy - this is about whether you can handle the logistics of the activities your kids will want to do.

OP, the above is the kind of value judgment only you and your DH can make for your family. My three kids do sports, swimming, scouts, camps, etc. Do they do every single thing their hearts desire? No. We’re okay with that.

It’s also okay for you to prioritize, say, your own hobbies or your kids multiple extracurriculars and stick with two. Totally cool either way.

Also, there are benefits to spacing out your kids more; there are also drawbacks. The latter mostly include the youngest getting shuttled around to various activities for the older ones, more time in baby/little kid mode, and potentially the kids playing together less, since they’re further apart. Again, up to you to decide.

You may not need to hear more downsides to having three kids, but this thread also considers the benefits: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1103794.page

[Anonymous]

When mine were younger Gparents provided before and afterschool care. No nanny or house help.