Parents with 3+ kids and 2 full-time jobs, how do you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Our jobs are 40-45 hours a week each, flexible, and DH mostly works from home as well. I think I just get easily distracted. I can focus well when I'm not tired and very happy/fulfilled. Otherwise, it's hit or miss. I also get PPD after each birth.

You should just focus on the kids you have.

OP again. I agree. I can't manage to convince DH. He says he'll keep asking for the 3rd into our 50s, even when it's biologically impossible. He's also open to adoption, but only of the 4th.

4th? Why does he want so many kids? I think if you can't afford to have your spouse be a SAHM you should not have 3+ kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 (ages 2, 6 and 8) and both work full time and have never had a stay at home parent. DH is a law firm partner and I am a manager with a team of 6. I work from home 4 days a week and since the pandemic DH has gone in between 1-3 days a week. Prior to the pandemic (and prior to becoming a partner) he put in a ton of hours at the office. He still works a lot, usually 50-60 hours a week, and I work normal hours. We have never had a nanny and non of our parents live close by.

I am ruthless about organization, meal prep, staying on top of things for kids. DH is also very organized and tries to help as much as his schedule allows. All our kids do activities throughout the year: swim, soccer, softball, Girl Scouts, etc. two oldest are in all day school but no aftercare and youngest is in full time daycare.

We live in a close in suburb - about 10 miles from DH’s job. It’s hard but we manage. It obviously has become easier as the youngest has gotten older.

This sounds absolutely exhausting. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents help us. And were financially stable to afford outside help.

Every family I know that had three under age 5 had a lot of grandparent help in addition to preschool/nanny.

I had four under 5 due to multiples.

No outside help with family or a nanny. Oldest had preschool.

I do not recommend.

[Anonymous]

When our kids were little, they were in daycare full time (we have three). It's gotten more challenging as they've gotten older, since they're home earlier, have homework and a million extracurriculars, and no summer coverage! We have no local family, and no extra help. Things that have worked for us:

- One parent has a more flexible schedule that enables them to do more of the driving (in our case, it's my husband, though covid virtual work has provided a lot more flexibility for me, which has helped immensely)
- Family calendar - my husband and I are religious about calendar invites, especially when one of us has something that will prevent us from being available to pick up kids
- Carpooling - I am really introverted, but I've had to push myself to make parent friends so that we can work out carpools
- Try to limit kid activities to locations closeby - We live in Vienna, and nearly all their sports/activities are within a 10 minute drive. This is critical when you have three kids in three different sports on the same night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 (ages 2, 6 and 8) and both work full time and have never had a stay at home parent. DH is a law firm partner and I am a manager with a team of 6. I work from home 4 days a week and since the pandemic DH has gone in between 1-3 days a week. Prior to the pandemic (and prior to becoming a partner) he put in a ton of hours at the office. He still works a lot, usually 50-60 hours a week, and I work normal hours. We have never had a nanny and non of our parents live close by.

I am ruthless about organization, meal prep, staying on top of things for kids. DH is also very organized and tries to help as much as his schedule allows. All our kids do activities throughout the year: swim, soccer, softball, Girl Scouts, etc. two oldest are in all day school but no aftercare and youngest is in full time daycare.

We live in a close in suburb - about 10 miles from DH’s job. It’s hard but we manage. It obviously has become easier as the youngest has gotten older.

This sounds absolutely exhausting. Good luck

PP here - yep its totally insane. Also I mommy tracked myself with kids 1 and 2 but then an opportunity opened up and I got off the mommy track after kid 3. Am a manger right now but up for a Director position. Thankfully my company is very family friendly and also has good telework policy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 (ages 2, 6 and 8) and both work full time and have never had a stay at home parent. DH is a law firm partner and I am a manager with a team of 6. I work from home 4 days a week and since the pandemic DH has gone in between 1-3 days a week. Prior to the pandemic (and prior to becoming a partner) he put in a ton of hours at the office. He still works a lot, usually 50-60 hours a week, and I work normal hours. We have never had a nanny and non of our parents live close by.

I am ruthless about organization, meal prep, staying on top of things for kids. DH is also very organized and tries to help as much as his schedule allows. All our kids do activities throughout the year: swim, soccer, softball, Girl Scouts, etc. two oldest are in all day school but no aftercare and youngest is in full time daycare.

We live in a close in suburb - about 10 miles from DH’s job. It’s hard but we manage. It obviously has become easier as the youngest has gotten older.

Yikes - this sounds rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Our jobs are 40-45 hours a week each, flexible, and DH mostly works from home as well. I think I just get easily distracted. I can focus well when I'm not tired and very happy/fulfilled. Otherwise, it's hit or miss. I also get PPD after each birth.

You should just focus on the kids you have.

OP again. I agree. I can't manage to convince DH. He says he'll keep asking for the 3rd into our 50s, even when it's biologically impossible. He's also open to adoption, but only of the 4th.

You don’t have to “convince” DH. No vote always wins. ESPECIALLY when it involves a mother who has a history of PPD - I can’t believe he is pushing you on this given your medical history.

Just ignore him. Change the subject. He’s basically saying he will nag you for years, but will also move on.

DH sounds really selfish. Use that as your reason to not have another child with this man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
For those of you thinking it's easier as the kids get older, not true.

At least, not if you want them picking their favorite extra-curriculars, the ones they're good at and which might reflect well on them for college apps. College admissions have become extraordinarily challenging, and sometimes the activity your kid excels at is far away and smack bang at the same time as your other kid's activity.

I don't know how you can ferry multiple kids across town in the afternoon every day while working full time. There are threads every year asking for drivers for such tasks!

It's FINE to register them all for after-school soccer, if that's all you can do. But just know that others with fewer kids or more free time or more drivers will have a leg up on giving a more individual and customized lifestyle to each child.

PP - some of us intentionally *avoid* a “more individual and customized lifestyle” for each kid. We’re raising kids to be productive citizens of a *society*, not individuals who live in a bubble. We’re also not obsessed with kids going to a very specific subset of colleges.

I’m not advocating at all for additional kids, but I do think it’s worth considering that this level of added pressure isn’t actually healthy for children’s development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 (ages 2, 6 and 8) and both work full time and have never had a stay at home parent. DH is a law firm partner and I am a manager with a team of 6. I work from home 4 days a week and since the pandemic DH has gone in between 1-3 days a week. Prior to the pandemic (and prior to becoming a partner) he put in a ton of hours at the office. He still works a lot, usually 50-60 hours a week, and I work normal hours. We have never had a nanny and non of our parents live close by.

I am ruthless about organization, meal prep, staying on top of things for kids. DH is also very organized and tries to help as much as his schedule allows. All our kids do activities throughout the year: swim, soccer, softball, Girl Scouts, etc. two oldest are in all day school but no aftercare and youngest is in full time daycare.

We live in a close in suburb - about 10 miles from DH’s job. It’s hard but we manage. It obviously has become easier as the youngest has gotten older.

This sounds absolutely exhausting. Good luck

My friends have FOUR (each 2 years apart) and the husband is a law partner and the wife works in tech. One big thing is that they live in a great location-- super close to everything, very walkable and safe. That really helps, especially as the kids get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
For those of you thinking it's easier as the kids get older, not true.

At least, not if you want them picking their favorite extra-curriculars, the ones they're good at and which might reflect well on them for college apps. College admissions have become extraordinarily challenging, and sometimes the activity your kid excels at is far away and smack bang at the same time as your other kid's activity.

I don't know how you can ferry multiple kids across town in the afternoon every day while working full time. There are threads every year asking for drivers for such tasks!

It's FINE to register them all for after-school soccer, if that's all you can do. But just know that others with fewer kids or more free time or more drivers will have a leg up on giving a more individual and customized lifestyle to each child.

PP - some of us intentionally *avoid* a “more individual and customized lifestyle” for each kid. We’re raising kids to be productive citizens of a *society*, not individuals who live in a bubble. We’re also not obsessed with kids going to a very specific subset of colleges.

I’m not advocating at all for additional kids, but I do think it’s worth considering that this level of added pressure isn’t actually healthy for children’s development.

NP. It’s that “society” you are talking about that has created the academic and extracurricular pressures in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
For those of you thinking it's easier as the kids get older, not true.

At least, not if you want them picking their favorite extra-curriculars, the ones they're good at and which might reflect well on them for college apps. College admissions have become extraordinarily challenging, and sometimes the activity your kid excels at is far away and smack bang at the same time as your other kid's activity.

I don't know how you can ferry multiple kids across town in the afternoon every day while working full time. There are threads every year asking for drivers for such tasks!

It's FINE to register them all for after-school soccer, if that's all you can do. But just know that others with fewer kids or more free time or more drivers will have a leg up on giving a more individual and customized lifestyle to each child.

PP - some of us intentionally *avoid* a “more individual and customized lifestyle” for each kid. We’re raising kids to be productive citizens of a *society*, not individuals who live in a bubble. We’re also not obsessed with kids going to a very specific subset of colleges.

I’m not advocating at all for additional kids, but I do think it’s worth considering that this level of added pressure isn’t actually healthy for children’s development.

NP. It’s that “society” you are talking about that has created the academic and extracurricular pressures in the first place.

In some parts of the country, yes. People buy into this line of thinking that you have to optimize every aspect of your child’s existence or a terrible fate will befall them. Many people don’t realize that most of the world doesn’t live like that and also that you can choose a more sane path and still have a great life. You can actually choose something different for your family - keeping yourself (and your kids) in the pressure cooker is a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
For those of you thinking it's easier as the kids get older, not true.

At least, not if you want them picking their favorite extra-curriculars, the ones they're good at and which might reflect well on them for college apps. College admissions have become extraordinarily challenging, and sometimes the activity your kid excels at is far away and smack bang at the same time as your other kid's activity.

I don't know how you can ferry multiple kids across town in the afternoon every day while working full time. There are threads every year asking for drivers for such tasks!

It's FINE to register them all for after-school soccer, if that's all you can do. But just know that others with fewer kids or more free time or more drivers will have a leg up on giving a more individual and customized lifestyle to each child.

PP - some of us intentionally *avoid* a “more individual and customized lifestyle” for each kid. We’re raising kids to be productive citizens of a *society*, not individuals who live in a bubble. We’re also not obsessed with kids going to a very specific subset of colleges.

I’m not advocating at all for additional kids, but I do think it’s worth considering that this level of added pressure isn’t actually healthy for children’s development.

NP. It’s that “society” you are talking about that has created the academic and extracurricular pressures in the first place.

In some parts of the country, yes. People buy into this line of thinking that you have to optimize every aspect of your child’s existence or a terrible fate will befall them. Many people don’t realize that most of the world doesn’t live like that and also that you can choose a more sane path and still have a great life. You can actually choose something different for your family - keeping yourself (and your kids) in the pressure cooker is a choice.

I’m referring to the society that rewards the outcomes of a graduation from a particular set of colleges. Yes you can make a life outside of them, but that society you want to contribute to absolutely recognizes the achievement of that pedigree education whether your child pushes to be accepted or not.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't do it. We have one and that's all I could handle. We don't have a ton of grandparent help and that's the only thing I could see that would make it a bit easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
For those of you thinking it's easier as the kids get older, not true.

At least, not if you want them picking their favorite extra-curriculars, the ones they're good at and which might reflect well on them for college apps. College admissions have become extraordinarily challenging, and sometimes the activity your kid excels at is far away and smack bang at the same time as your other kid's activity.

I don't know how you can ferry multiple kids across town in the afternoon every day while working full time. There are threads every year asking for drivers for such tasks!

It's FINE to register them all for after-school soccer, if that's all you can do. But just know that others with fewer kids or more free time or more drivers will have a leg up on giving a more individual and customized lifestyle to each child.

PP - some of us intentionally *avoid* a “more individual and customized lifestyle” for each kid. We’re raising kids to be productive citizens of a *society*, not individuals who live in a bubble. We’re also not obsessed with kids going to a very specific subset of colleges.

I’m not advocating at all for additional kids, but I do think it’s worth considering that this level of added pressure isn’t actually healthy for children’s development.

NP. It’s that “society” you are talking about that has created the academic and extracurricular pressures in the first place.

In some parts of the country, yes. People buy into this line of thinking that you have to optimize every aspect of your child’s existence or a terrible fate will befall them. Many people don’t realize that most of the world doesn’t live like that and also that you can choose a more sane path and still have a great life. You can actually choose something different for your family - keeping yourself (and your kids) in the pressure cooker is a choice.

I’m referring to the society that rewards the outcomes of a graduation from a particular set of colleges. Yes you can make a life outside of them, but that society you want to contribute to absolutely recognizes the achievement of that pedigree education whether your child pushes to be accepted or not.

Not really, no. Or, not to the degree that you think it does. A very small segment of American society is obsessed with status and undergraduate pedigree. Most people don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Flexible jobs
Network of families in neighborhood
No family help
Equal partnership with spouse