34 year old son is lost

[Anonymous]

Just tell him you love him.

[Anonymous]

Is he managing his finances? Is he happy (not, are you happy)?

My husband is a carpenter, with a college degree. His parents both had PHDs (his mom from an Ivy League school) and were professors and academics who heavily valued education, but my husband is far happier as a carpenter (and later as a project manager) then he ever would be in his field of study (a lab science degree). I'm sure my in-laws would have preferred he go on to work in his field, but ultimately they accepted that wasn't something he was interested in.

Ultimately, he is 34 and old enough to know whether he will be happy in his field. Obviously, it has been rocky for him to this point, and in my experience there is almost always a reason for it. In some cases, they simply arent good at whatever they chose to do with their education. In other cases, they simply have very little interest in it after getting their foot in the door and it is obvious.

Support his decisions, at least emotionally.

[Anonymous]

I am a lawyer married to an electrician. Nothing is sexier than a man who can fix anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Support his smart idea. Hvac might be better. It pays huge.

Then why are the DMV's pricy inner suburbs full of lawyers, lobbyists, and specialist doctors, and not people in the building trades? I think people push their kids into the corporate world because they look around them and that's what they see.

Many don’t want to live among people who would look down on them and treat their kids badly. They see how even pink collar-workers like teachers, nurses, and social workers who live here are treated. When you go outside the pricey inner suburbs, you see amazing real estate owned by successful blue collar workers.

Ditto. Come move out to the country. We own beautiful equestrian estates and mountainside retreats, stay to ourselves and all have multiple businesses to support our lifestyles. Hanging out on a hike, by a fire pit, or at a neighbor's pool is how we unwind.

Where do you live?

[Anonymous]

Support him. My ds is likely going to college this fall after a couple of gap years working. We really tried to get him interested in a trade but he is not interested (right now at least). I think welding, electrician and HVAC are fabulous fields. Not sure why you say your ds is lost. Plenty of people make several career changes during adulthood. Are you concerned about his marriage? That seems like a separate issue. The switch to welding seems like a good move IMO.

[Anonymous]

Everyone keeps defending blue collar jobs as though OP demanded he become a doctor, lawyer or accountant. He was fired, he has a drama-filled marriage. There are likely some problems with self-regulation that should be addressed. I would offer to pay for therapy. If he wants to weld, let him commit to funding his own training. Wherever you go, there you are…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was given an excellent education and he cannot seem to find his footing professionally or personally. He got married at 26 and has a tumultuous marriage where they have almost divorced a bunch of times. Professionally he is floundering and was fired from his last job. Now he says he never will work corporate again and wants to be a welder or work with his hands. We do not know what to do to help him.

Is he a recent TJ graduate by any chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was given an excellent education and he cannot seem to find his footing professionally or personally. He got married at 26 and has a tumultuous marriage where they have almost divorced a bunch of times. Professionally he is floundering and was fired from his last job. Now he says he never will work corporate again and wants to be a welder or work with his hands. We do not know what to do to help him.

Is he a recent TJ graduate by any chance?

Can't be that recent. He's 34.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing. He’s an adult. Let him live his own life.

This. FFS he's 34.

[Anonymous]

I’m 34 and have my own share of problems like everyone else. Id hate it if on top of that my parents were disappointed in me.

Just let him figure it out and come to you for help if he wants to. I wouldn’t interfere or be judgmental.

[Anonymous]

I went through a legit crisis (career problems and divorce) around 40. I remember how my mother’s quiet suspicion that somehow it’s all my fault and her anxiety that I was going to fail and end up destitute added to my situation. So if you have similar feelings - please just stay out of it.
It would have meant the world to me if she just said: i know it's not your fault. life happens and if worse comes to worst i will always welcome you and my grandson here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through a legit crisis (career problems and divorce) around 40. I remember how my mother’s quiet suspicion that somehow it’s all my fault and her anxiety that I was going to fail and end up destitute added to my situation. So if you have similar feelings - please just stay out of it.
It would have meant the world to me if she just said: i know it's not your fault. life happens and if worse comes to worst i will always welcome you and my grandson here.

Hope that you have reached a less rocky path and that you and your son are thriving.

Not knowing your circumstances leading up to the crisis, being the parent of an adult child is not always straightforward. It can be so hard to figure out when tough love may be needed. And if there has been a lot of caregiving over the years for sundry family members, there may be a point where the parent of the adult child needs some solitude for self-care.

While my children are still a decade or so from OP's DS and the jury is still out for at least one of them, PP, I hope that I am in a place where I can welcome as you wish your mom had been able to do for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through a legit crisis (career problems and divorce) around 40. I remember how my mother’s quiet suspicion that somehow it’s all my fault and her anxiety that I was going to fail and end up destitute added to my situation. So if you have similar feelings - please just stay out of it.
It would have meant the world to me if she just said: i know it's not your fault. life happens and if worse comes to worst i will always welcome you and my grandson here.

I also struggled quite a bit in the early years of my career. I am a lawyer and it took me a really long time to find a job that I like. I'm 16 years into my career and I feel like I only really hit my stride over the past two years. A career is a DECADES long journey. Its not always going to be an amazing experience. There are going to be some years that suck and some that are better than others.

Also like others have said I don't think there is anything wrong with considering a trade job. Since he has a corporate background, he would probably relate well to the highly educated people in this area, and they may be more comfortable with him than the standard blue collar worker, sad as that is to say. If he starts his own business he can make a really good living.

[Anonymous]

This better not be a troll OP, because if it were, you would be needlessly getting my hopes up. If this post is legit, I'm not the biggest loser in the world after all. This just seems a little too good to be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My philosophy is that you will never regret having a college degree but you might regret not having one. So he's good with his degree.

So far as the trades, encourage him to research them and to decide what he wants to try and to acquire the proper skills.

He can always go back to a corporate job in the future.

The college education serves you regardless of future pursuits.
We are desperate for smart trades people.