Blindsided by in-laws inviting random cousin to Thanksgiving gathering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that people can redeem themselves from criminal mistakes made in their youth, but ultimately the support of the family for victims trumps that of the offender. Your DH seems to acknowledge that his family has every right to support the cousin. You are the one who wants to brush things under the rug because you are ashamed of your DH and your kids finding out about it.

The best parenting you and DH could do is for your DH to honestly acknowledge the HUGE mistake he made and explain to your sons that the consequences of his actions will follow him around for the rest of his life. The professional and legal repercussions and the personal/familial repercussions. One of which is that his family supports the cousins who made reasonable accusations given your DH's sex offenses.

Sexual predators can NEVER be redeemed or rehabilitated.

Why do you say this?

Are you really unaware that they have the highest recidivism rate? You seem like you’re just trolling.

OP here: I want to make it clear I wasn’t that poster. I am aware of the recidivism rate. His crimes are something I have had to come terms with and my decisions were made intelligently and made based on who he is and what he has done to better himself.

I know my husband, and I know how much work he has put in to better himself following his crimes. Because of that, I fully believe he has rehabilitated himself. I know that isn’t a guarantee he won’t struggle or even commit another crime, but I had to ask myself whether I believe he would be a part of those statistics. I think my answer to that question should be clear based on my decisions.

No one thought you were the PP. Unless you sockpuppet or refer to your husband in third-person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that people can redeem themselves from criminal mistakes made in their youth, but ultimately the support of the family for victims trumps that of the offender. Your DH seems to acknowledge that his family has every right to support the cousin. You are the one who wants to brush things under the rug because you are ashamed of your DH and your kids finding out about it.

The best parenting you and DH could do is for your DH to honestly acknowledge the HUGE mistake he made and explain to your sons that the consequences of his actions will follow him around for the rest of his life. The professional and legal repercussions and the personal/familial repercussions. One of which is that his family supports the cousins who made reasonable accusations given your DH's sex offenses.

Sexual predators can NEVER be redeemed or rehabilitated.

Why do you say this?

Are you really unaware that they have the highest recidivism rate? You seem like you’re just trolling.

OP here: I want to make it clear I wasn’t that poster. I am aware of the recidivism rate. His crimes are something I have had to come terms with and my decisions were made intelligently and made based on who he is and what he has done to better himself.

I know my husband, and I know how much work he has put in to better himself following his crimes. Because of that, I fully believe he has rehabilitated himself. I know that isn’t a guarantee he won’t struggle or even commit another crime, but I had to ask myself whether I believe he would be a part of those statistics. I think my answer to that question should be clear based on my decisions.

Are you clear that he likely will abuse your children, his relatives, or your relatives? How do you sleep at night?

[Anonymous]

I'll admit this is not an area I have much knowledge but logically does it seem like those would be the same recidivism rates? The 8 year old is no more able to be rehabilitated than the 20 year old? Okay then.

[Anonymous]

This thread really should be deleted. I’m not sure why you decided to post. This is one of the worst threads I’ve ever read on here. Your boys will find out - they will. I hope that you get some therapy bc you have not dealt with this. If you think you have, fine, but you need strategies to deal with how to tell your kids. I can’t even imagine. Aside from the etiquette issue of not telling your in laws who they can have in their home, you have no standing here. The cousin is a hero here and if you can’t see that…

You really won’t get any support here. Stop worrying about the cousin. He is the least of your problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread really should be deleted. I’m not sure why you decided to post. This is one of the worst threads I’ve ever read on here. Your boys will find out - they will. I hope that you get some therapy bc you have not dealt with this. If you think you have, fine, but you need strategies to deal with how to tell your kids. I can’t even imagine. Aside from the etiquette issue of not telling your in laws who they can have in their home, you have no standing here. The cousin is a hero here and if you can’t see that…

You really won’t get any support here. Stop worrying about the cousin. He is the least of your problems.

If this is real, the husband should be on the sex offender list. That means all neighbors and friends of their kids parents know what he did. Their kids will absolutely know soon if they haven’t already heard talk even if they don’t understand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that people can redeem themselves from criminal mistakes made in their youth, but ultimately the support of the family for victims trumps that of the offender. Your DH seems to acknowledge that his family has every right to support the cousin. You are the one who wants to brush things under the rug because you are ashamed of your DH and your kids finding out about it.

The best parenting you and DH could do is for your DH to honestly acknowledge the HUGE mistake he made and explain to your sons that the consequences of his actions will follow him around for the rest of his life. The professional and legal repercussions and the personal/familial repercussions. One of which is that his family supports the cousins who made reasonable accusations given your DH's sex offenses.

Sexual predators can NEVER be redeemed or rehabilitated.

Why do you say this?

Are you really unaware that they have the highest recidivism rate? You seem like you’re just trolling.

OP here: I want to make it clear I wasn’t that poster. I am aware of the recidivism rate. His crimes are something I have had to come terms with and my decisions were made intelligently and made based on who he is and what he has done to better himself.

I know my husband, and I know how much work he has put in to better himself following his crimes. Because of that, I fully believe he has rehabilitated himself. I know that isn’t a guarantee he won’t struggle or even commit another crime, but I had to ask myself whether I believe he would be a part of those statistics. I think my answer to that question should be clear based on my decisions.

Are you clear that he likely will abuse your children, his relatives, or your relatives? How do you sleep at night?

OP here: He has a higher likelihood to reoffend. Beyond that, it comes down to the individual. Who they are, what they are doing to improve themselves.

If I ever thought DH was a risk to my kids and/or his family, I would not have married him to continued our family. Period. I spent over a year dealing with the fallout of his actions. I wanted to make it clear that I am not unaware of these concerns. I do not not take his choices likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that people can redeem themselves from criminal mistakes made in their youth, but ultimately the support of the family for victims trumps that of the offender. Your DH seems to acknowledge that his family has every right to support the cousin. You are the one who wants to brush things under the rug because you are ashamed of your DH and your kids finding out about it.

The best parenting you and DH could do is for your DH to honestly acknowledge the HUGE mistake he made and explain to your sons that the consequences of his actions will follow him around for the rest of his life. The professional and legal repercussions and the personal/familial repercussions. One of which is that his family supports the cousins who made reasonable accusations given your DH's sex offenses.

Sexual predators can NEVER be redeemed or rehabilitated.

Why do you say this?

Are you really unaware that they have the highest recidivism rate? You seem like you’re just trolling.

OP here: I want to make it clear I wasn’t that poster. I am aware of the recidivism rate. His crimes are something I have had to come terms with and my decisions were made intelligently and made based on who he is and what he has done to better himself.

I know my husband, and I know how much work he has put in to better himself following his crimes. Because of that, I fully believe he has rehabilitated himself. I know that isn’t a guarantee he won’t struggle or even commit another crime, but I had to ask myself whether I believe he would be a part of those statistics. I think my answer to that question should be clear based on my decisions.

Your decision... to voice your displeasure that your in-laws invited a whistle-blower to their own home? You realize you cannot control who a home-owner invites; and that in this particular case, you REALLY don't have any right, since your husband is the person who seemed to be (or actually was) grooming a teen?

Your husband may be totally innocent in the letter-writing thing. But not many people will believe it since he has a prior history in a related activity. You really MUST understand this.

I hope you're a troll. If you're not, I would be very careful when inviting your children's friends into your home. Please never leave them alone with your husband, and make sure there are no hidden cameras anywhere in the house. Be very wary if your husband seeks to get a position of authority over minors: coach, school or church volunteer, carpool driver, etc... He seems to have that profile, unfortunately. Don't kid yourself. If his brain has these types of urges, it's really hard for him to resist without therapy or meds. It's not something you just snap out of. It's serious disorder.

[Anonymous]

OP has no business sticking her nose into anything, much less giving her ILs ultimatums about who they can or cannot invite to their homes. Glad they’re sticking to their guns. OP can take her toys and go home in a huff if she so chooses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did DH do that resulted in legal trouble and getting fired from a school job?

Sorry, but this sounds like sexual abuse of a much younger cousin.

If that's not the story, explain. Because if you told me this exactly as you posted here, my kids would never be in the same room as your DH.

OP here: There was zero abuse.

He was charged with voyourism ten years ago. He had taken a few upskirt photos of women, including a teenager (he was not aware of this) over the course of a few years.

Said cousin accused him of trying to groom his (cousin’s) younger sister. This stemmed from the fact DH had started writing letters to his younger sister (pre-pubescent at the time) after a family reunion a few years prior. There was no substance to these claims, again the only underaged ‘victim’ in DH’s case was 17, and the letters were perfectly acceptable, it was just a penal relationship between cousins who lived across the country from each other. These accusations were only ever made by him (a teenager at the time), and vaguely by his sister, and their parents did not agree with them (the parents even provided financial assistance during the trial for legal costs). DH was never alone with his sister, or had any opportunity to be alone with her at the time.

How is taking upskirt photos of women, minors or not, not abuse.

Did you have have children with this man knowing he had assaulted women in this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that people can redeem themselves from criminal mistakes made in their youth, but ultimately the support of the family for victims trumps that of the offender. Your DH seems to acknowledge that his family has every right to support the cousin. You are the one who wants to brush things under the rug because you are ashamed of your DH and your kids finding out about it.

The best parenting you and DH could do is for your DH to honestly acknowledge the HUGE mistake he made and explain to your sons that the consequences of his actions will follow him around for the rest of his life. The professional and legal repercussions and the personal/familial repercussions. One of which is that his family supports the cousins who made reasonable accusations given your DH's sex offenses.

Sexual predators can NEVER be redeemed or rehabilitated.

Why do you say this?

Are you really unaware that they have the highest recidivism rate? You seem like you’re just trolling.

OP here: I want to make it clear I wasn’t that poster. I am aware of the recidivism rate. His crimes are something I have had to come terms with and my decisions were made intelligently and made based on who he is and what he has done to better himself.

I know my husband, and I know how much work he has put in to better himself following his crimes. Because of that, I fully believe he has rehabilitated himself. I know that isn’t a guarantee he won’t struggle or even commit another crime, but I had to ask myself whether I believe he would be a part of those statistics. I think my answer to that question should be clear based on my decisions.

Are you clear that he likely will abuse your children, his relatives, or your relatives? How do you sleep at night?

OP here: He has a higher likelihood to reoffend. Beyond that, it comes down to the individual. Who they are, what they are doing to improve themselves.

If I ever thought DH was a risk to my kids and/or his family, I would not have married him to continued our family. Period. I spent over a year dealing with the fallout of his actions. I wanted to make it clear that I am not unaware of these concerns. I do not not take his choices likely.

He got caught for upskirt photos. He also tried to groom a minor. There’s more that he’s done and you know it in your gut. He likely has underage upskirt photos in his possession. I hope he burns in hell. You are one messed up woman. You don’t deserve the title of “mother.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did DH do that resulted in legal trouble and getting fired from a school job?

Sorry, but this sounds like sexual abuse of a much younger cousin.

If that's not the story, explain. Because if you told me this exactly as you posted here, my kids would never be in the same room as your DH.

OP here: There was zero abuse.

He was charged with voyourism ten years ago. He had taken a few upskirt photos of women, including a teenager (he was not aware of this) over the course of a few years.

Said cousin accused him of trying to groom his (cousin’s) younger sister. This stemmed from the fact DH had started writing letters to his younger sister (pre-pubescent at the time) after a family reunion a few years prior. There was no substance to these claims, again the only underaged ‘victim’ in DH’s case was 17, and the letters were perfectly acceptable, it was just a penal relationship between cousins who lived across the country from each other. These accusations were only ever made by him (a teenager at the time), and vaguely by his sister, and their parents did not agree with them (the parents even provided financial assistance during the trial for legal costs). DH was never alone with his sister, or had any opportunity to be alone with her at the time.

How is taking upskirt photos of women, minors or not, not abuse.

Did you have have children with this man knowing he had assaulted women in this way?

Yes she did. They weren’t even married yet. She stood by her man. Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get that you think you have made peace with your husband’s actions, but your reaction to this situation is a pretty glaring contradiction of that belief. If your husband was a young man who did not know where boundaries were and has worked to learn those lessons and you believe that and don’t have any concerns about his offenses being more than you are aware of, why are you reacting so strongly to this situation? Your husband, who has a history of predatory behavior, was accused by someone of crossing a line. It doesn’t sound like the cousin was maliciously making things up. The kindest read I can see is that there was a big misunderstanding here.

It sounds like this situation is opening old wounds. Get thee to a therapist and figure out how you can be a helpful addition to this family’s healing process.

[Anonymous]

DELETE THIS THREAD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did DH do that resulted in legal trouble and getting fired from a school job?

Sorry, but this sounds like sexual abuse of a much younger cousin.

If that's not the story, explain. Because if you told me this exactly as you posted here, my kids would never be in the same room as your DH.

How on earth did you make that (il)ogical leap? Signed - child sex crimes prosecutor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did DH do that resulted in legal trouble and getting fired from a school job?

Sorry, but this sounds like sexual abuse of a much younger cousin.

If that's not the story, explain. Because if you told me this exactly as you posted here, my kids would never be in the same room as your DH.

How on earth did you make that (il)ogical leap? Signed - child sex crimes prosecutor.

Made the same leap based on OP’s cagey descriptions and the consequences she described from the allegations. OP’s follow ups confirmed it.

- former CPS investigator