Where in the DMV are parents of young kids allowed to be imperfect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This area tends to be filled with those at the top of their class. I once met a lady at a playground in Alexandria. She was perfectly content to talk about kids until she found out that I lived in an apartment and was a single mom. She literally moved back away from me and went back to her kid. People aren’t very open minded here.

This is super weird. I live in an apartment and am a single mom and have never had this experience. In Arlington.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:South Arlington.

(I don't recommend the schools though!)

We are in South Arlington and are very happy with our public elementary school. And I feel like the parents are pretty chill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to derail this thread, but I think your description really describes me. Not competitive or judgmental about others. But hustling and probably making parenting too hard. I’d like to become more like you. Do you have any tips? Or maybe some concrete examples where what you did seemed different/lower stress/easier than what other people were doing and it still basically worked out fine?

I’m trying to lower my standards and go with the flow more but… that’s not really my comfort zone.

DP. I was (am, 1 kid is still at home) one of those more relaxed parents. I think what gets you is a sort of survivorship bias. On one hand, I am sure you've encountered multiple older kids whose parents pushed them, signed up for all sorts of right classes and activities, etc, etc, and the kids turned out amazing. What you are missing, though, are all the kids whose parents did the same, and the kids turned out just average for their socioeconomic status. E.g. I don't consider it amazing that a kid whose parents and grandparents are college graduates went to a relatively well known college and did well; it would be surprising if they didn't. What you are also missing are the amazing kids whose parents didn't overextend themselves, and the kids still turned out fantastic; their parents are just much less vocal regarding their parenting approach and achievements.

I know many, many families who spent lots of money on music lessons and sacrificed a lot to manage the logistics of it, and at least half of the grown up kids don't touch their instruments at all anymore. My husband is a professional musician, I am an amateur, but still play regularly, so we understand how important music is. Yet only one out of our 3 kids has been taking serious music lessons. We tried with all three, but it was pretty clear that only one was truly interested. The other two enjoy it through their headphones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to derail this thread, but I think your description really describes me. Not competitive or judgmental about others. But hustling and probably making parenting too hard. I’d like to become more like you. Do you have any tips? Or maybe some concrete examples where what you did seemed different/lower stress/easier than what other people were doing and it still basically worked out fine?

I’m trying to lower my standards and go with the flow more but… that’s not really my comfort zone.

DP. I was (am, 1 kid is still at home) one of those more relaxed parents. I think what gets you is a sort of survivorship bias. On one hand, I am sure you've encountered multiple older kids whose parents pushed them, signed up for all sorts of right classes and activities, etc, etc, and the kids turned out amazing. What you are missing, though, are all the kids whose parents did the same, and the kids turned out just average for their socioeconomic status. E.g. I don't consider it amazing that a kid whose parents and grandparents are college graduates went to a relatively well known college and did well; it would be surprising if they didn't. What you are also missing are the amazing kids whose parents didn't overextend themselves, and the kids still turned out fantastic; their parents are just much less vocal regarding their parenting approach and achievements.

I know many, many families who spent lots of money on music lessons and sacrificed a lot to manage the logistics of it, and at least half of the grown up kids don't touch their instruments at all anymore. My husband is a professional musician, I am an amateur, but still play regularly, so we understand how important music is. Yet only one out of our 3 kids has been taking serious music lessons. We tried with all three, but it was pretty clear that only one was truly interested. The other two enjoy it through their headphones.

Some adults go back to it, but later. I took piano lessons for years, didn't touch the instrument for a long time, and found my way back to it recently in middle age.

[Anonymous]

I live on the Hill, and am very much the type you are looking for. The thing is though— I have older kids. Most striver parents leave the Hill by the end of elementary because they can’t handle lottery stress and think the local IB isn’t good enough. If you can stick around til your kids hit middle school, you will find the balance shift the other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get out of DC. The suburbs of VA are so much more chill. Maybe not Arlington or Alexandria but definitely Fairfax, Burke, Annandale, Springfield, etc. DC has a certain type of person

+1
It’s not that hard OP but you need to avoid the “urban chic” areas and those with $$$$ houses. Any of the above will work and you can find sections in each with good schools (Springfield should actually say West Springfield in my view).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This area tends to be filled with those at the top of their class. I once met a lady at a playground in Alexandria. She was perfectly content to talk about kids until she found out that I lived in an apartment and was a single mom. She literally moved back away from me and went back to her kid. People aren’t very open minded here.

This is super weird. I live in an apartment and am a single mom and have never had this experience. In Arlington.

She knew the complex that I lived in and it’s all low income and mostly black and Latino. Some people are racist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get out of DC. The suburbs of VA are so much more chill. Maybe not Arlington or Alexandria but definitely Fairfax, Burke, Annandale, Springfield, etc. DC has a certain type of person

This is what I was going to suggest as well. My kids eat lots of Doritos AND Cheetos. Good schools, relaxed parenting, and a good balance for most families.

I do try to research things like summer camps, but I just talk to other parents to make sure the kids are safe and had fun. That’s my level of planning and my bar for what’s “good enough.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live on Capitol Hill. I don’t want to give many details for the sake of anonymity, but we have young kids, use the public schools, and are middle income for the area.

I feel like many people here don’t allow for any error when it comes to parenting. People obsess about childcare, school, activities. People research every parenting decision to find the error-proof, no fail option, and then proselytize extensively. It’s not that people are competitive, exactly (some are, but most find overt competition obnoxious). But many people are just hustling so hard at parenting. These are dual income families but they are making parenting extremely hard and high stakes, IMO.

I’m not like this and it stresses me out. We make parenting choices sort of intuitively. We make mistakes, figuring it will work out in the end or that we can always change tacks.

What neighborhoods/towns in the DMV have more parents like me and fewer like my neighbors? This is not a judgment of them, more and acknowledgement that this area is not for me.

Can I ask why it bothers you? Do people make comments to you about your parenting or exclude you or your kids because of your choices? I think I’m somewhere in the middle. I’m type A by nature and definitely research things before making choices, but I try not to go overboard and I make choices based on my individual kids and our family’s needs. I guess in some ways I’m less laid back than others (my kids don’t really get screen time and we don’t buy junk food), but I honestly do not care at all if other parents make different choices. Like I have friends whose kids watch lots of tv and I don’t think it’s any of my business and would certainly never say anything to them about it. I live in Tenleytown and haven’t experienced the proselytizing you describe.

[Anonymous]

I would have said Columbia, MD, but yesterday's soccer snack was a bag that included seaweed and avocado oil potato chips amongst 3 other items, so I retract that statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eckington! Dysfunction junction up here.

Yes!! One of the best kept secrets (probably not for long though). We love it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to derail this thread, but I think your description really describes me. Not competitive or judgmental about others. But hustling and probably making parenting too hard. I’d like to become more like you. Do you have any tips? Or maybe some concrete examples where what you did seemed different/lower stress/easier than what other people were doing and it still basically worked out fine?

I’m trying to lower my standards and go with the flow more but… that’s not really my comfort zone.

DP. I was (am, 1 kid is still at home) one of those more relaxed parents. I think what gets you is a sort of survivorship bias. On one hand, I am sure you've encountered multiple older kids whose parents pushed them, signed up for all sorts of right classes and activities, etc, etc, and the kids turned out amazing. What you are missing, though, are all the kids whose parents did the same, and the kids turned out just average for their socioeconomic status. E.g. I don't consider it amazing that a kid whose parents and grandparents are college graduates went to a relatively well known college and did well; it would be surprising if they didn't. What you are also missing are the amazing kids whose parents didn't overextend themselves, and the kids still turned out fantastic; their parents are just much less vocal regarding their parenting approach and achievements.

I know many, many families who spent lots of money on music lessons and sacrificed a lot to manage the logistics of it, and at least half of the grown up kids don't touch their instruments at all anymore. My husband is a professional musician, I am an amateur, but still play regularly, so we understand how important music is. Yet only one out of our 3 kids has been taking serious music lessons. We tried with all three, but it was pretty clear that only one was truly interested. The other two enjoy it through their headphones.

Some adults go back to it, but later. I took piano lessons for years, didn't touch the instrument for a long time, and found my way back to it recently in middle age.

PP. I know a family that sold their house and moved because they wanted their kid to take lessons at a specific place with a specific teacher. Both parents got longer commute to work, mom ended up quitting her job and going part time to manage all the logistics.

The kid IS very talented. The kid, now a young adult in college, is NOT becoming a professional musician, although she will probably be playing regularly. The question is, was the incremental improvement in her playing worth the sacrifice that the family made? There is a difference between giving your child an opportunity to take music lessons and structuring the whole family life around that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live on Capitol Hill. I don’t want to give many details for the sake of anonymity, but we have young kids, use the public schools, and are middle income for the area.

I feel like many people here don’t allow for any error when it comes to parenting. People obsess about childcare, school, activities. People research every parenting decision to find the error-proof, no fail option, and then proselytize extensively. It’s not that people are competitive, exactly (some are, but most find overt competition obnoxious). But many people are just hustling so hard at parenting. These are dual income families but they are making parenting extremely hard and high stakes, IMO.

I’m not like this and it stresses me out. We make parenting choices sort of intuitively. We make mistakes, figuring it will work out in the end or that we can always change tacks.

What neighborhoods/towns in the DMV have more parents like me and fewer like my neighbors? This is not a judgment of them, more and acknowledgement that this area is not for me.

Can I ask why it bothers you? Do people make comments to you about your parenting or exclude you or your kids because of your choices? I think I’m somewhere in the middle. I’m type A by nature and definitely research things before making choices, but I try not to go overboard and I make choices based on my individual kids and our family’s needs. I guess in some ways I’m less laid back than others (my kids don’t really get screen time and we don’t buy junk food), but I honestly do not care at all if other parents make different choices. Like I have friends whose kids watch lots of tv and I don’t think it’s any of my business and would certainly never say anything to them about it. I live in Tenleytown and haven’t experienced the proselytizing you describe.

Because most people that do the super parent thing as OP described just LOVE to talk about it and why they made that choice and why they think it is so good. It is exhausting for others just trying to be “normal” and not striving for an A++ in parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have said Columbia, MD, but yesterday's soccer snack was a bag that included seaweed and avocado oil potato chips amongst 3 other items, so I retract that statement.

Someone tell that mom to just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live on Capitol Hill. I don’t want to give many details for the sake of anonymity, but we have young kids, use the public schools, and are middle income for the area.

I feel like many people here don’t allow for any error when it comes to parenting. People obsess about childcare, school, activities. People research every parenting decision to find the error-proof, no fail option, and then proselytize extensively. It’s not that people are competitive, exactly (some are, but most find overt competition obnoxious). But many people are just hustling so hard at parenting. These are dual income families but they are making parenting extremely hard and high stakes, IMO.

I’m not like this and it stresses me out. We make parenting choices sort of intuitively. We make mistakes, figuring it will work out in the end or that we can always change tacks.

What neighborhoods/towns in the DMV have more parents like me and fewer like my neighbors? This is not a judgment of them, more and acknowledgement that this area is not for me.

Can I ask why it bothers you? Do people make comments to you about your parenting or exclude you or your kids because of your choices? I think I’m somewhere in the middle. I’m type A by nature and definitely research things before making choices, but I try not to go overboard and I make choices based on my individual kids and our family’s needs. I guess in some ways I’m less laid back than others (my kids don’t really get screen time and we don’t buy junk food), but I honestly do not care at all if other parents make different choices. Like I have friends whose kids watch lots of tv and I don’t think it’s any of my business and would certainly never say anything to them about it. I live in Tenleytown and haven’t experienced the proselytizing you describe.

It's never fun to be the odd person out. It's one thing if you have that one friend, or a few of the families from school, who are very intense, obsessive parents with lots of rules and very high standards around food, activities, education. It's easy in a situation like that to talk to them and just remind yourself that you subscribe to a different parenting approach and value different things.

But when MOST of the people in your neighborhood or at your school are like that, it wears on you. There was a PP in this thread who talked about moving to Philly and feeding her child a snack at the playground and realizing that unlike where she lived in DC, she didn't need to worry about someone coming up and telling her what was "wrong" with the snack. The people who do stuff like that in DC and other very intense parenting environments might think she's just being helpful, not judgmental. But when the prevailing parenting attitude is that you must be perfect, that there is no aspect of parenting that is trivial or low stakes enough to allow for a range of approaches, it becomes stressful.

I also think that while you say you don't judge people who parent differently than you, you're probably not being entirely honest. If you are the sort of parent who allows NO screens (until when? ever?) and never lets your kids eat processed foods, even as like an occasional treat, then on some level you must judge people who do those things. Because you've adopted a very restrictive parenting approach that's actually pretty hard to accomplish, so there's just no way that you have zero judgment if you see some parents planting their kids in front of Bluey for an hour with some cheeze-its and don't think "oh wow, I would never do that." There's just no way. Even if that parent only does that once ever couple months to save their sanity, I feel pretty confident that your opinion on that is not truly neutral.