How to relate to MIL who lives in ivory tower

[Anonymous]

My MIL constantly hints that I should stay home with our 3 kids (8/6/4). She stayed home until her youngest of 4 was about 10. She also started having kids at 20, so… not exactly the same. The career she built afterwards as a nurse manager is actually really impressive, so in some sense she had it all. But she had her kids in an area with an extremely low cost of living and her DH had a job that met their financial needs (farm inherited from family). DH and I live in DC and both make about maxed out GS-15 money (he makes $20K more than me), so the idea that I could just stay home with the kids is crazy… and the assumption that if one of us did it would definitely be me drives me batty. My MIL is otherwise very nice, but this is a huge source of friction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She seems like a wonderful MIL. She gives you generous gifts, lives independently and is healthy and well off (doesn’t live w you, doesn’t need your help), she is a nice person (you said so yourself!) I understand that you feel annoyed she doesn’t understand your situation but honestly, you need to let that go. There are so many ways things could be way worse…so what if you can’t really “relate” to her? You get along w her and have no major gripes w her? Sounds like you are very fortunate indeed.

I truly do not understand why you need for her to understand how much harder life is for you.

My advice is to realize that MIL is not the person who will provide sympathy for your daily situation in the grind of child-rearing and FT work. Try meeting up with some girl friends or seek therapy if you are looking for this type of acknowledgement or validation. Your MIL is not that person, she is 75 and it is not reasonable to expect her worldviews to change at this point.

[Anonymous]

Well this is a made up problem if there ever was one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous of her life choices. GTFU.

No but I do want to feel like I can relate to her since she is my MIL and I want her to understand what it takes to hack it today.

You’re getting 16K from MIL each year. Stop whining. Your life isn’t that hard. Either was hers.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have zero idea what struggles your MIL has had in her life. If she thinks that her life has been stress-free, it is probably because she is a very positive person.

On the other hand, need to become a better person and be happier.

[Anonymous]

Such an obvious troll post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such an obvious troll post.

It’s not interesting enough to be a troll.

[Anonymous]

Agree with everything said, your MIL sounds nice and no need to "make her understand."

Regardless, economists recognize baby boomers had a generally easier financial situation than millennial. So just take comfort in that. No need to rub this in their face though, especially when your MIL acted frugally in her life - to now give you $16 k generously per year.

Fact, I grew up locally one of 3 kids. When my parents bought the home, my dad was mid-GS government employee and my Mom stayed home. My childhood home was then and now in a lovely neighborhood.

Versus, it now takes DH and I two salaries near the top of GS-15 (attorneys), and just 1 kid, to afford a relatively comparable house and neighborhood, bought relatively long ago and with some substantial resources coming in that many didn't have, from private sector work and what most would see as extreme frugality early on, and with minimal student debt that was repaid long ago. Such is life for millennials though.

I have commented on this to my parents, not whining just saying how the area changed. They acknowledge some of this but point out, they had almost 20% interest rate at one point (when home prices were much lower).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Such an obvious troll post.

It’s not interesting enough to be a troll.

Yet OP is so interested in this topic she posted it twice.

[Anonymous]

My parents are the same. This is not your MIL but an entire generation who doesn't understand current economic conditions. There is literally nothing you can do but smile and nod.

[Anonymous]

I think I understand where OP is coming from. Kinda.

My MIL is similar. Elderly, lovely lady, friendly and kind but sometimes has no clue. She stopped working after DH was born (he's the eldest of 3). FIL had a successful career and his earnings enabled MIL to stay at home and for all 3 children to go to expensive private schools.
The family also had a housekeeper.

I love MIL but she sometimes says things that make me raise my eyebrows. Like working at Subway is an 'awful' job. OK it may not be a job that I would apply for given that I have other options, but I don't think it's awful. I can think of many other jobs that are a lot harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand where OP is coming from. Kinda.

My MIL is similar. Elderly, lovely lady, friendly and kind but sometimes has no clue. She stopped working after DH was born (he's the eldest of 3). FIL had a successful career and his earnings enabled MIL to stay at home and for all 3 children to go to expensive private schools.
The family also had a housekeeper.

I love MIL but she sometimes says things that make me raise my eyebrows. Like working at Subway is an 'awful' job. OK it may not be a job that I would apply for given that I have other options, but I don't think it's awful. I can think of many other jobs that are a lot harder.

It's not that the job is hard, it's a low paying menial job. MIL likely has higher hopes for her family members. You would never do the job, you just don't say it out loud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a problem if she's directly criticizing you, like suggesting that you stop working, or wondering why you help your child with reading. If not, let her be. If you feel like she's implicitly criticizing you, just pretend she's not. "We can't come over then, as we've put aside that time to work with Child on reading." "Well, I never helped Son with his homework." "Yes, it was fortunate that he didn't need help."

I think it’s implied judgement, not direct.

That’s just you judging yourself against her. Stop doing that. She’s not doing anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

She probably is trying to shift your mindset because she's worn out by your complaints. She's modeling positivity for you. Of course she has been through hardship. No one gets through life scratch-free. I would try to emulate her, not change her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well this is a made up problem if there ever was one.

Np Well said, pp op is looking a gift horse in the mouth!