How to relate to MIL who lives in ivory tower

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was the same.
Never worked a day in her life after getting pregnant with her first. Sent us on the bus to the public school without a worry in the world about the quality of education we were getting. When a teacher recommended I go to a local school for the gifted, she passed because it meant she would have to drive me there and back every day...too much hassle. Never attended any school board meetings. I was allowed one extracurricular activity per week so I could do dance class OR girl scouts, not both, and it wasn't because money was tight.
Now she realizes how much harder I have it...but she thinks it's my fault for not marrying a rich man.

How many siblings did you have?

[Anonymous]

I think OP that you and your MIL aren't going to relate on these matters. As others have said, focus on the pleasant things. Your MIL has enough money to completely take of herself in her old age and give your DH a 16K/yr gift.
You need to read my thread about my aging mother- it will put things into perspective for you.

[Anonymous]

She’s seventy five. You should visit her and discuss pleasant topics that are enjoyable for her to discuss because she is a old lady.

You should not be trying to somehow teach her that your life is different and in a way harder fhan hers. Why? She doesn’t need to know that.

If she makes a passive aggressive remark about you working or whatever (you haven’t said she does that) then make a bland response and change the topic.

Once someone is seventy five, the focus should be in making things pleasant and comfortable for her during the visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She seems like a wonderful MIL. She gives you generous gifts, lives independently and is healthy and well off (doesn’t live w you, doesn’t need your help), she is a nice person (you said so yourself!) I understand that you feel annoyed she doesn’t understand your situation but honestly, you need to let that go. There are so many ways things could be way worse…so what if you can’t really “relate” to her? You get along w her and have no major gripes w her? Sounds like you are very fortunate indeed.

Agreed. My MIL will never understand or even acknowledge how hard it it to raise a child with profound special needs that require 24/7 care forever. She also isn’t going to help or babysit. She has plenty of money but isn’t going to give us any in her lifetime. I’m a mom in the C-suite which she doesn’t understand at all.

It can be annoying that she fundamentally ignores how hard things are — denial is her super power. But she is a lovely person and loves all of us. So we talk about what PBS shows we have watched lately and have a nice time.

To be clear, I don’t expect any money from her at all.

[Anonymous]

LOL i cant imagine feeling like teaching my in-laws anything was something I wanted or needed to do.

[Anonymous]

No one who is 75 has a long wonderful life ahead of them. She is an old lady living in a hospital basically. She is not your peer. Who cares what nonsense she believes about you or anything else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She gives you 16K a year and you want her to understand how hard your life is? Huh?

Indeed! I have lived on 16K a year.

She sounds lovely. Why do you feel like you have to convince her of anything? She was alive in 1968, which was a Year From Hell. She isn't ignorant.

As someone else said, practice gratitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous of her life choices. GTFU.

No but I do want to feel like I can relate to her since she is my MIL and I want her to understand what it takes to hack it today.

DP. Sounds to me like you want her to validate your anger. Why can't you be happy for her and let her be her? Why are you insisting that she become as cranky and miserable as you are? And why aren't you doing more to make yourself happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should start by practicing gratitude.

+1 This, absolutely. She gives you and your husband $16,000 a year to do with as you want, and you've decided that what you really, really want is for her to be as ungrateful as you? Wow.

[Anonymous]

Would your life be easier if she stopped giving your family $16k a year? Because it sounds like you resent the hell out of this woman and want nothing to do with her — which would include the chunk of change she regularly gives you.

[Anonymous]

Moms who did not maintain FT employment as mothers simply cannot relate. Why should they? They've never been in your shoes. My MIL is the same way. She brags how amazing she was as an "executive housewife" and hosting. She never contributed one penny for our DD's special educational needs, never cooked her a meal, took her to a park - nothing. So, I guess she is just great at story telling. No way to make these types understand or empathize. Just realize their limitations, be thankful you get any crumbs, have glass wine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would your life be easier if she stopped giving your family $16k a year? Because it sounds like you resent the hell out of this woman and want nothing to do with her — which would include the chunk of change she regularly gives you.

x1000

[Anonymous]

You are really complaining about your life choices. Grow up. If you choose to work, that's on you. No reason you cannot SAH or hire a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would your life be easier if she stopped giving your family $16k a year? Because it sounds like you resent the hell out of this woman and want nothing to do with her — which would include the chunk of change she regularly gives you.

OP should take that money and hire help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moms who did not maintain FT employment as mothers simply cannot relate. Why should they? They've never been in your shoes. My MIL is the same way. She brags how amazing she was as an "executive housewife" and hosting. She never contributed one penny for our DD's special educational needs, never cooked her a meal, took her to a park - nothing. So, I guess she is just great at story telling. No way to make these types understand or empathize. Just realize their limitations, be thankful you get any crumbs, have glass wine.

The reverse is also true. I had the same experience with my MIL who took up a corporate career after staying home with DH and his brother. Never available to help with my DD’s SN because she “wasn’t that kind of grandmother” even though she found time to sit for her DD’s children later on. She would always say with sympathy, “I know I can’t imagine what you and (DH) are going through.” No crumbs at all.