How to relate to MIL who lives in ivory tower
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Anonymous
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My MIL is a good friendly person who is in excellent health as a 75 yr old and still has a long wonderful life ahead of her.
She was a stay at home mom with the occasional odd job but relied on her husband’s earnings and extreme frugalness to achieve a huge chunk of money that she passes on in the form of gifts each year to her children. Her life has been relatively stress free as she now lives in an upscale independent living facility surrounded by amenities and plenty of healthy food options. DH and I work full time jobs that can be demanding while also taking care of two kids, one of whom needs extra focus and attention on reading. She often discusses how stress free things were for her as a parent who never really helped DH with homework and would let him roam free for several hours with friends in the neighborhood or how she asked the bus driver to pull up in front of her house to pick up DH to make it more convenient for her. She seems blissfully unaware of inflation, learning losses, and the need to earn an income despite annual gifts of 16k given each year to DH. I often feel like I am trying to convince her how imperative it is to hold a job and contribute to a 401k, but I just get puzzled looks. How can I help her to snap into the reality of how complicated life actually is as a parent and citizen? |
Anonymous
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Why? Why do her need her to acknowledge that your life is so hard?
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Anonymous
| You sound jealous of her life choices. GTFU. |
Anonymous
No but I do want to feel like I can relate to her since she is my MIL and I want her to understand what it takes to hack it today. |
Anonymous
| It's a problem if she's directly criticizing you, like suggesting that you stop working, or wondering why you help your child with reading. If not, let her be. If you feel like she's implicitly criticizing you, just pretend she's not. "We can't come over then, as we've put aside that time to work with Child on reading." "Well, I never helped Son with his homework." "Yes, it was fortunate that he didn't need help." |
Anonymous
I think it’s implied judgement, not direct. |
Anonymous
Why? I was somewhat sympathetic to your first post, but now it seems like you are not trying to connect, but just want to one-up her or get some sort of validation for the fact that your life is harder*/ you work harder... *Given your incredibly superficial understanding of MIL life, I have serious doubts this is the case, or at least, that you would have the information to make this judgement. |
Anonymous
| Simply put OP: you can't. |
Anonymous
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OP, if she lived through the 1970s, she is aware of inflation. More than you - this bout of inflation has been shorter and less steep than it was then. Her mortgage likely had a double digit interest rate.
Please learn some economic history before you assume she doesn’t know things. |
Anonymous
Why? She had a totally different experience than you and will likely never understand where you are coming from. My MIL can't understand why we need 2 full time incomes to raise 2 kids when she was a SAH in the midwest, sent 3 kids to private Catholic schools and had a lake house. They will never get it and I don't much care. |
Anonymous
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So, you want her to feel more stressed and less blissed? What exactly do you want her to do that would make you feel more understood? Hug you? Complain about the cost of apples? Listen quietly while you vent? Something else?
What have you done to make her feel more understood by you? Her "understanding" about "what it takes to hack it today" seems to have taken the form of extremely generous gifts. I'm hoping, OP, that you're not as cruel as this sounds, and the issue is something like: "She calls every evening at 7 -- when we have homework time with a kid who needs extra help." Otherwise, complaining about how her inability to understand how "imperative it is....to contribute to a 401K" when she GIVES you the equivalent of more than the annual salary of a minimum wage worker EVERY YEAR is kinda rich OP. |
Anonymous
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I have this - move on to other topics because for the next 15 years you are going to be exhausted from this and it gets you no where.
How about engaging MIL with what her favorite travel places are and plan a trip to that spot? Favorite summer memories and go do it. (I assume since she if so generous she will be paying for these items) Does she like to golf? Great - ask her to pay for the kids to do a golf camp next summer and then cap it off with some time on the links together. You need to find other topics to engage her with AND be smart to steer away from your triggers. |
Anonymous
| How do you know your MIL still has “a long wonderful life ahead of her”? Life can turn on a dime, especially in your 70s and 80s. Your DH is lucky not to have to worry about taking care of his mother in her old age. She is pleasant and gives gifts to her family. Count your blessings instead of hers. |
Anonymous
| Why does she need to understand this? |
Anonymous
It also sounds like your DH had a traditional American upbringing where children were allowed to hang out with their friends instead of being constantly scheduled. I remember most of my afterschool hours being up to me and I rarely needed help from my parents with my homework other than to buy supplies. |