Middle school boy has no friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he go to a large school or a small private school OP? You may want to change up his environment if he is in a small school.

We did the opposite and it it helped a ton. Moving from a large, intimidating environment with lost of alpha kids, to a small school gave my kid the space to open up and be himself without the typical middle school ridicule.

[Anonymous]

I was like this. I had been rejected a few times pretty harshly by friends and just stopped trying for a few years.

[Anonymous]

I think going to school with the same kids all the way through can sometimes make it harder to connect to the other kids. As in, it can be hard to make new friends out of kids you’ve always known but haven’t previously been friends with. Maybe a new environment could switch up the opportunities. If he has an interest, maybe some low key pursuing it could help.

[Anonymous]

OP, as hard as it might be, my suggestion is to back off and stop trying to "fix" this/him. Let him get through his days at school and enjoy spending time with the family. Don't ask about who he ate lunch with or whether he made any friends at school. Take away all the external pressure on this issue.

Try to plan family activities that he can enjoy and support his interests. Have him go to 1 after school club per week. It is still early in the school year. Give him time to find his "people" or to be found by his "people".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he on the spectrum? Does it bother him that he has no friends?

FFS, why does everything have to be about being on the spectrum? Perhaps OP's son just doesn't find his peers very interesting?

Oh please. By this age, most kids have at least one friend they find interesting.

Still doesn't mean he is on the spectrum.

[Anonymous]

my son was a bit like this in MS. had some people he talked to at school but never outside of school. i pushed alot of stuff but it never really took. have to say he's in HS now and still is not out partying with friends but has a crowd of people at school and is very busy with activities that require him to interact with a lot of kids. you might want to just let him find his way...it was a hard lesson for me as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my son was a bit like this in MS. had some people he talked to at school but never outside of school. i pushed alot of stuff but it never really took. have to say he's in HS now and still is not out partying with friends but has a crowd of people at school and is very busy with activities that require him to interact with a lot of kids. you might want to just let him find his way...it was a hard lesson for me as a parent.

agree with the post above too about planning family activities so he's engaged with stuff...that is what i did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP you are completely wrong. One of the main things pediatricians are trained to do is make referrals for specialists and that includes letting parents know whether the child may need to see a developmental pediatrician or get a neuropsych exam. If a parent directly asks is there suspicion of autism they should be able to do a first screening based on their training. Sometimes they are wrong but please don't belittle an entire group of professionals.

You proved my point in your post.
Op said her pediatrician determined he's not autistic. That's not making a referral to a specialist. That's putting the specialists hat on and pretending you can make the determination yourself.

Ask over on the SN board. Many parents of HFA children were told by pediatrician there was no possible autism because pediatricians believe they can interpret the DSM on their own. They can not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP you are completely wrong. One of the main things pediatricians are trained to do is make referrals for specialists and that includes letting parents know whether the child may need to see a developmental pediatrician or get a neuropsych exam. If a parent directly asks is there suspicion of autism they should be able to do a first screening based on their training. Sometimes they are wrong but please don't belittle an entire group of professionals.

They should be belittled. Moreover, they should be sued for malpractice or at least have complaints filed. Imagine what happens to a child who is acting like they are autistic but the pediatrician keeps telling the parents the kid is just acting that way for attention/its the parents fault/ it's definitely not autism.

Bad things happen after that. Kids want to kill themselves, parents punish these children's, peers ostracize those children who should be in aba but now don't qualify for it thanks to Dr Know-it-alls.

Get this through your head: *any time* a parent has a concern about a child's social development, it's outside of your scope of expertise as a pediatrician to make any judgment calls except to refer. Period.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can sympathize. My son is in 8th and has a lot of friendship problems. He has ADHD, and his maturity is more akin to a 10 year old. He does have a table to sit at during lunch with kids from band, but they are acquaintances, not friends that he does stuff with outside of school. I have found that nothing helped except backing off and insisting that he join activities at school (band, and stock market club, which meets once a week during lunch)

[Anonymous]

What would matter if the child is autistic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would matter if the child is autistic?

How you approach him to help.
If he just isn't vibing with the kids at this school you would look for other friendship opportunities. If it's a neurodiversity issue then social skills guidance is a more meaningful approach

[Anonymous]

My DS is the same, OP. He does do one activity at school but seems to only connect with the teachers leading it rather than other kids. He’s always preferred adults to kids. Of course that means he doesn’t have anyone to sit with at lunch, no one to text or hang out with. His therapist mentioned that it seemed to bother me more than him so I stopped asking questions or trying to force things. That didn’t help him socially, but we’re all happier accepting him and the situation as it is.

[Anonymous]

Bumping this thread because I came across this when about to post my own topic. My 9th grade DC is the same way. Outgoing, friendly kid and not on the spectrum but does have significant trouble maintaining friendships other than passing acquaintanceships with other kids despite being involved in a lot of sports and extracurricular activities. It is totally mystifying to me. DC sits alone at lunch and never, ever ever has social activities outside of school. It sucks so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was like this. I had been rejected a few times pretty harshly by friends and just stopped trying for a few years.

This is where my middle.school kid is at right now. Last year he was rejected and excluded pretty traumatically by former MS friends. He is in clubs, but very, very nervous about making any new feiends. It's so sad to see that he's basically given up. When/how did things change for you?