Middle school boy has no friends

[Anonymous]

DS has no friends. He has been through elementary and middle school with the same kids but is not connecting with anyone. He eats alone at lunch in the middle school cafeteria. He does not respond well to forced activities like the counselor’s lunch bunch, meaning he doesn’t become friends with anyone. We have invited families with kids over but he barely engages and then does nothing to foster a friendship with kids. It breaks my heart that he is struggling socially. He already talks to a therapist and takes anxiety meds. Suggestions? He is a preteen so I know he has to figure this out on his own but it’s so hard to watch.

[Anonymous]

Is he on the spectrum? Does it bother him that he has no friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he on the spectrum? Does it bother him that he has no friends?

Not on the spectrum, per pediatrician and therapist. Yes it bothers him but he doesn’t have the confidence to take the initiative. I think fear of rejection is part of it as he felt abandoned by two friends in the past.

[Anonymous]

At some point his desire for friends will outweigh his desire to reject suggestions to join things to make friends, and he’ll start joining things.

[Anonymous]

Try Boy Scouts or some other group where they do organized activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try Boy Scouts or some other group where they do organized activities.

We did that for a few years. He hated it. He does one low key team sport because we force him and one independent sport because we force him.

[Anonymous]

Can you try activities with other kids that would interest him- a sports skills class or D&D at a game store or theater crew or whatever? My similar kid has better luck at activities not related to the school- fresh kids where he might not feel like he's already been rejected. He doesn't develop friendships, but it's a social outlet.

Also, ask your therapist about a social skills group. Lunch bunch at school wasn't really helpful for us- too short of a time period to develop relationships and practice skills. But my kid has been going to the same social skills group for 2 years now, and that has been helpful.

[Anonymous]

What are his interests? What is he talking with his therapist about? Have you asked his therapist for suggestions to help him socially, and what did the therapist say?

[Anonymous]

If you don’t force him, will he do NOTHING?

What about gaming? Is he against that as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you try activities with other kids that would interest him- a sports skills class or D&D at a game store or theater crew or whatever? My similar kid has better luck at activities not related to the school- fresh kids where he might not feel like he's already been rejected. He doesn't develop friendships, but it's a social outlet.

Also, ask your therapist about a social skills group. Lunch bunch at school wasn't really helpful for us- too short of a time period to develop relationships and practice skills. But my kid has been going to the same social skills group for 2 years now, and that has been helpful.

DS is strongly resisting group…therapist recommends it but if he is unwilling then he is not going to get anything out of it. What is D&D?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t force him, will he do NOTHING?

What about gaming? Is he against that as well?

Yes. He will game. He is social on games. Talks to individuals virtually. Cannot convert those interactions to real life, even kids at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t force him, will he do NOTHING?

What about gaming? Is he against that as well?

Yes. He will game. He is social on games. Talks to individuals virtually. Cannot convert those interactions to real life, even kids at school.

he won’t coplay video games in person with other kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t force him, will he do NOTHING?

What about gaming? Is he against that as well?

Yes. He will game. He is social on games. Talks to individuals virtually. Cannot convert those interactions to real life, even kids at school.

he won’t coplay video games in person with other kids?

No. He won’t have anyone over to coplay in person.

[Anonymous]

Does he have siblings, cousins, family friends (your friends’ kids)?

I have a very shy introvert and he still sits with other kids like him.

I would focus on his interests and try to expand his likes.

My shy child likes to draw, fish, ski, build legos, read, play games.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried changing his meds? Has he had a full assessment? Like maybe it’s something else going on?

Will he call kids he meets online and play video games while on the phone?

My only other suggestion - how is he with younger or older kids? Sometimes that ends up working better for some kids.