Middle school boy has no friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you sure he is not on the spectrum? Has anyone suggested he may be? Social problems are a big red flag.

Based on pediatrician and therapist he is not. Can I ask though, if he was, what difference it makes? Does it just reset my expectations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What school OP? Ever since watching Wonder my daughter finds the kids sitting alone and asks them to sit or sits with them.

Maybe a teacher can have board games during lunch.
There are usually clubs for gaming, D&D, legos, etc… Have him sign up for one. He will find his people soon.

Yes, wish you’d be willing to name the school because I’ve been reminding my 7th grader to look around at lunch each day and if he sees anyone who seems lost or lonely to invite them over. Good luck. And honestly, in that situation, I’d do some research and start him at a new school.

Is rather not but thank you for talking to your son about it. I’ve tried many things so far. Maybe someone approaching him would make a difference rather than the “burden” I think he feels so solve on his own, if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS has no friends. He has been through elementary and middle school with the same kids but is not connecting with anyone. He eats alone at lunch in the middle school cafeteria. He does not respond well to forced activities like the counselor’s lunch bunch, meaning he doesn’t become friends with anyone. We have invited families with kids over but he barely engages and then does nothing to foster a friendship with kids. It breaks my heart that he is struggling socially. He already talks to a therapist and takes anxiety meds. Suggestions? He is a preteen so I know he has to figure this out on his own but it’s so hard to watch.

Get him a dog.

[Anonymous]

Does he go to a large school or a small private school OP? You may want to change up his environment if he is in a small school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he go to a large school or a small private school OP? You may want to change up his environment if he is in a small school.

Large, public

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS has no friends. He has been through elementary and middle school with the same kids but is not connecting with anyone. He eats alone at lunch in the middle school cafeteria. He does not respond well to forced activities like the counselor’s lunch bunch, meaning he doesn’t become friends with anyone. We have invited families with kids over but he barely engages and then does nothing to foster a friendship with kids. It breaks my heart that he is struggling socially. He already talks to a therapist and takes anxiety meds. Suggestions? He is a preteen so I know he has to figure this out on his own but it’s so hard to watch.

Get him a dog.

Not something he craves and not something I want to be responsible for…

[Anonymous]

Do you have a parent friend who has a child at the school who can introduce him around? Your friend's child does not need to become besties with your son but maybe could provide some connections.

I know this is a different scenario but when DC started at a new school a friend's child did that and it really helped.

[Anonymous]

OP: What activities or interests does he enjoy ?

[Anonymous]

He should join any of the after school clubs that seem tolerable, not even interesting, to get him out there. He hasn't found his people yet, but he will. My kid is in the same situation, but loves to read and doesn't mind sitting alone and reading at lunch if they have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he on the spectrum? Does it bother him that he has no friends?

Not on the spectrum, per pediatrician and therapist. Yes it bothers him but he doesn’t have the confidence to take the initiative. I think fear of rejection is part of it as he felt abandoned by two friends in the past.

Your pediatrician should absolutely no opinion on whether or not your child might be autistic. They simply have no training in the area.
Our pediatrician said "no way" to DC being autistic. Turns out. DC is definitely autistic.
Also. Most therapists have no training in autism either. Only specialists in autism can make any judgement about whether a child is autistic or not.

"Fear or abandonment " seems like a bunch of psychobabble as a fairy tale for something that the help you have hired is unqualified to deal with. Maybe it's anxiety that they aren't treating well enough. You need better professional help.

[Anonymous]

PP you are completely wrong. One of the main things pediatricians are trained to do is make referrals for specialists and that includes letting parents know whether the child may need to see a developmental pediatrician or get a neuropsych exam. If a parent directly asks is there suspicion of autism they should be able to do a first screening based on their training. Sometimes they are wrong but please don't belittle an entire group of professionals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he on the spectrum? Does it bother him that he has no friends?

Not on the spectrum, per pediatrician and therapist. Yes it bothers him but he doesn’t have the confidence to take the initiative. I think fear of rejection is part of it as he felt abandoned by two friends in the past.

Your pediatrician should absolutely no opinion on whether or not your child might be autistic. They simply have no training in the area.
Our pediatrician said "no way" to DC being autistic. Turns out. DC is definitely autistic.
Also. Most therapists have no training in autism either. Only specialists in autism can make any judgement about whether a child is autistic or not.

"Fear or abandonment " seems like a bunch of psychobabble as a fairy tale for something that the help you have hired is unqualified to deal with. Maybe it's anxiety that they aren't treating well enough. You need better professional help.

I think this is good advice. I think it would be well worth it to get a full neuropsych evaluation -- maybe your son is on the spectrum, maybe he isn't (that's not the only challenge that might make it difficult to make friends).

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, but I do think it's worthwhile to push for better testing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he on the spectrum? Does it bother him that he has no friends?

FFS, why does everything have to be about being on the spectrum? Perhaps OP's son just doesn't find his peers very interesting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you try activities with other kids that would interest him- a sports skills class or D&D at a game store or theater crew or whatever? My similar kid has better luck at activities not related to the school- fresh kids where he might not feel like he's already been rejected. He doesn't develop friendships, but it's a social outlet.

Also, ask your therapist about a social skills group. Lunch bunch at school wasn't really helpful for us- too short of a time period to develop relationships and practice skills. But my kid has been going to the same social skills group for 2 years now, and that has been helpful.

DS is strongly resisting group…therapist recommends it but if he is unwilling then he is not going to get anything out of it. What is D&D?

D&D is Dungeons and Dragons. It’s a role playing game with interaction but structured. There are some groups around that are geared for different ages. I think there is D&D group that is a social skills group in disguise that I read about on the Special Needs forum.

I would consider being pretty blunt with him that if he wants to get better at friendships, he’ll to put some work into it.

This: To make friends, you have to be a friend. Some kids, like yours OP, need to be taught "how" to be a friend. You will have to role play some common interactions and behaviors to help him break the ice. Arrange very short encounters for specific activities and gradually ramp up to longer less structured encounters with the kids he did well with. He's likely gotten a lot of negative feedback from peers on prior attempts, so you have to slowly build back his social confidence.

I also think encouraging the the on line games with live chat with kids he knows actually helps -- it's practice talking without the face to face intimidation and anxiety. Another useful practice is to let him use an avatar (like his Minecraft persona) to vlog on YouTube. Talking to an imagined audientce like they are friends is very helpful. It doesn't matter how disorganized or boring his videos might be, or if he's just imitating other YouTubers; it's the practiced talking to people that builds the brain pathways for live conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he on the spectrum? Does it bother him that he has no friends?

FFS, why does everything have to be about being on the spectrum? Perhaps OP's son just doesn't find his peers very interesting?

Oh please. By this age, most kids have at least one friend they find interesting.