Middle school boy has no friends

[Anonymous]

Ok question - have you ever sent him away to overnight camp where he didn’t know anyone, or even a day camp, where most kids are new to him? Does he seem to do better?

If it seems better - I’d consider switching schools.

[Anonymous]

Some boys are just slow to develop social skills. My brother was like this--spent all of grade and high school reading at home. He literally had NO friends for any part of school.
He went to college and literally blossomed into this very social kid. I don't think it was about "finding his people" as much as it was just growing more social with age.
He's now a very well adjusted adult with a lot of friends and works in a people-facing job to boot.

[Anonymous]

Overnight camp is a great suggestion for next summer. My kids are not the "life of the party" types at all but they both grew in leaps and bounds socially at camp. They didn't want to go the first year so that was tricky but the pay-off was enormous. I would recommend a 2-4 week session. One week is not long enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you try activities with other kids that would interest him- a sports skills class or D&D at a game store or theater crew or whatever? My similar kid has better luck at activities not related to the school- fresh kids where he might not feel like he's already been rejected. He doesn't develop friendships, but it's a social outlet.

Also, ask your therapist about a social skills group. Lunch bunch at school wasn't really helpful for us- too short of a time period to develop relationships and practice skills. But my kid has been going to the same social skills group for 2 years now, and that has been helpful.

DS is strongly resisting group…therapist recommends it but if he is unwilling then he is not going to get anything out of it. What is D&D?

D&D is Dungeons and Dragons. It’s a role playing game with interaction but structured. There are some groups around that are geared for different ages. I think there is D&D group that is a social skills group in disguise that I read about on the Special Needs forum.

I would consider being pretty blunt with him that if he wants to get better at friendships, he’ll to put some work into it.

[Anonymous]

My kid is somewhat similar.
Middle school boy, talks to people at school, has one person he spends lunch with which doesn’t grow into much else really. Like, there are kids he has no interest in, and kids that he doesn’t mind spending some time with, but doesn’t really care, that’s it.
Like your son he has a whole life online - games, forums etc. I think online is the new outlet for some kids.
DS doesn’t seem bothered by the situation so I let it go.

[Anonymous]

What school OP? Ever since watching Wonder my daughter finds the kids sitting alone and asks them to sit or sits with them.

Maybe a teacher can have board games during lunch.
There are usually clubs for gaming, D&D, legos, etc… Have him sign up for one. He will find his people soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t force him, will he do NOTHING?

What about gaming? Is he against that as well?

Yes. He will game. He is social on games. Talks to individuals virtually. Cannot convert those interactions to real life, even kids at school.

Is he gaming with any local kids? My son rarely gets together with anyone outside of school but is active online and always “talking” to kids there verbally and through chat. It drives me a little crazy but as I talk to others they say it’s more typical than I realize. I’m sorry about sitting alone at lunch though. That’s hard. Eventually my son started getting together with one gaming friend socially. It happens maybe once every other month.

[Anonymous]

There could be a few things going on here. Obviously he seems like an extreme introvert but could he have an extremely high level of anxiety (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)?

I was like this to some extent but never quite so extreme. I was terrified that someone would find out my deep dark secret that I was a gay kid in the 90's.

[Anonymous]

Is he interested in robotics at all? Lots of robotics clubs that do competitions. Fun way to work on something together without the stress of having to talk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try Boy Scouts or some other group where they do organized activities.

We did that for a few years. He hated it. He does one low key team sport because we force him and one independent sport because we force him.

I think you're doing the right thing by insisting on activities but could you switch them up next season? If he's with the same team and not clicking maybe he needs to try a different team? DD is very outgoing but only made friends on some teams and not others.
I would keep trying lunch bunches with counselors. You can't force friendships but you can expose him to as many other kids as possible and hope that he clicks with some of them.

[Anonymous]

Maybe try music like Bach to Rock to be on a band.

[Anonymous]

Does his middle school have after school clubs?

You could try an online social skills group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At some point his desire for friends will outweigh his desire to reject suggestions to join things to make friends, and he’ll start joining things.

Not OP. We certainly hope that happens but we count on it. There were kids I knew who never fit in. Some joined cults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At some point his desire for friends will outweigh his desire to reject suggestions to join things to make friends, and he’ll start joining things.

Not OP. We certainly hope that happens but we count on it. There were kids I knew who never fit in. Some joined cults.

OOPS. I meant we can’t count on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t force him, will he do NOTHING?
What about gaming? Is he against that as well?

Yes. He will game. He is social on games. Talks to individuals virtually. Cannot convert those interactions to real life, even kids at school.

he won’t coplay video games in person with other kids?

No. He won’t have anyone over to coplay in person.

OP some middle school boys need parents help with this. Between scheduling, anxiety, tech issues for audio calls, etc, it's more than some kids can do on their own. Call it helicoptering if you want, but I know many parents who text each other and work behind the scenes to help facilitate their boys playing or getting together.