Inlaws not supportive after Mom's death

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think this kind of bean-counting is silly. Most people don't know what to do in that situation. I mean, why is a card better than a text? Why are flowers better than a card? It all seems kind of petty - the point should be that they thought of you and reached out, probably in the way that they communicate with you the most.

Agree with this. Accept the gesture as their reaching out and assume the best - they wanted to give you space to grieve and be with your remaining family members and not be bothered by them.

[Anonymous]

It's not that your ILs were unsupportive - what was there for them to do? They live outside the area and it's not like they could easily lift some of your burden. Rather, they didn't make the gestures you were expecting them to make. You found their texts an insufficient acknowledgement of your loss. That's on you. Why are you looking to them for attention rather than your DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you expect more from them? My ILs texted me their condolences when my father died. That's it. I didn't expect them to do anything else.

~Married 25+ years.

This world is so uncivil and uncaring. What in the fresh hell? A text about a parent dying is what is acceptable? When friends have lost parents, we send flowers or food. A card at the very least. My husband has flown to funerals to show his respect (there and back in one day). All I can say is that a bunch of you are seriously low class. A text? LOL

Maybe it's your facility with the English language, but I wouldn't call this behavior "low class." Exactly the opposite actually---poorer people often have more connected families and are the first to sympathize with a death in the family, while richer people don't have the time and just text. I guess they could have sent flowers I suppose--but if your relationship with your in-laws was closer, I imagine they might have said more...if you're ready to call it quits over this, it must not be a very close relationship.

You are confusing wealth with class (common DCUM mistake). Class is about manners and upbringing. There are many wealthy people that are low class.

[Anonymous]

When my brother committed suicide 4 years ago, my BIL didn't call or send a text or acknowledge it at all. He and my brother were close.

It still is very hurtful. I've been married to my husband over 20 years and we've all known each other since our early 20's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my brother committed suicide 4 years ago, my BIL didn't call or send a text or acknowledge it at all. He and my brother were close.

It still is very hurtful. I've been married to my husband over 20 years and we've all known each other since our early 20's.

Did he attend the funeral/service?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom died last year. A long illness and a very sad death. Afterwards, I got a text from my MIL and one from my SIL. Both live out of the area, but still. No card, no flowers, no real phone calls. DH and I have been married 19 years. I think this has changed the way I want to interact with them. I think I'm kind of done.

I think you are too harsh. Some people think flowers get too many flowers and that is why some people say "in lieu of flowers do X" They didn't ignore you. I think you are looking for an excuse to cut ties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my brother committed suicide 4 years ago, my BIL didn't call or send a text or acknowledge it at all. He and my brother were close.

It still is very hurtful. I've been married to my husband over 20 years and we've all known each other since our early 20's.

Did he reach out to your parents? Sounds like BIL might have been hurting too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my brother committed suicide 4 years ago, my BIL didn't call or send a text or acknowledge it at all. He and my brother were close.

It still is very hurtful. I've been married to my husband over 20 years and we've all known each other since our early 20's.

Did he reach out to your parents? Sounds like BIL might have been hurting too.

+1 He had his own relationship with your brother. Did you reach out to him to see how he was doing?

[Anonymous]

I don’t recall receiving any condolences from my MIL, BIL, SIL after my parents died. They only met them a couple of times. When I saw them later on I’m sure one or more mentioned it. I was fine with it.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry for your loss. Your in-laws behavior was reprehensible. I can see sending a text saying “hey I know you may not be up to talking, I am so sorry for your loss, please know that we are here for you and if you feel like talking or need anything, please let us know”.

Or you call your kid and ask how the spouse is doing to feel him/her out for a phone call. But you don’t just send a text to your son/DIL. Good grief people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry for your loss. Your in-laws behavior was reprehensible. I can see sending a text saying “hey I know you may not be up to talking, I am so sorry for your loss, please know that we are here for you and if you feel like talking or need anything, please let us know”.

Or you call your kid and ask how the spouse is doing to feel him/her out for a phone call. But you don’t just send a text to your son/DIL. Good grief people.

Yet, that's what you just said you could see someone doing - going so far as to write what someone might say. How is that not enough? How is that less acceptable than a card? How do you know the ILs didn't ask their son how OP was doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my brother committed suicide 4 years ago, my BIL didn't call or send a text or acknowledge it at all. He and my brother were close.

It still is very hurtful. I've been married to my husband over 20 years and we've all known each other since our early 20's.

Did he attend the funeral/service?

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my brother committed suicide 4 years ago, my BIL didn't call or send a text or acknowledge it at all. He and my brother were close.

It still is very hurtful. I've been married to my husband over 20 years and we've all known each other since our early 20's.

Did he reach out to your parents? Sounds like BIL might have been hurting too.

No. He just told my husband to tell me he was sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my brother committed suicide 4 years ago, my BIL didn't call or send a text or acknowledge it at all. He and my brother were close.

It still is very hurtful. I've been married to my husband over 20 years and we've all known each other since our early 20's.

Did he reach out to your parents? Sounds like BIL might have been hurting too.

+1 He had his own relationship with your brother. Did you reach out to him to see how he was doing?

Nope.

[Anonymous]

So many pointless, petty tests.