Inlaws not supportive after Mom's death

[Anonymous]

Honestly I think this kind of bean-counting is silly. Most people don't know what to do in that situation. I mean, why is a card better than a text? Why are flowers better than a card? It all seems kind of petty - the point should be that they thought of you and reached out, probably in the way that they communicate with you the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you expect more from them? My ILs texted me their condolences when my father died. That's it. I didn't expect them to do anything else.

~Married 25+ years.

This world is so uncivil and uncaring. What in the fresh hell? A text about a parent dying is what is acceptable? When friends have lost parents, we send flowers or food. A card at the very least. My husband has flown to funerals to show his respect (there and back in one day). All I can say is that a bunch of you are seriously low class. A text? LOL

I agree. People need to be kinder to their relatives. I can't even imagine sending a text to say "Sorry!" It's a crap move.
My coworker just lost his wife and I sent him a card and did a donation and people on here would say that's too much. I think we need to get back to acknowledging these significant events and caring about each other more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you expect more from them? My ILs texted me their condolences when my father died. That's it. I didn't expect them to do anything else.

~Married 25+ years.

This world is so uncivil and uncaring. What in the fresh hell? A text about a parent dying is what is acceptable? When friends have lost parents, we send flowers or food. A card at the very least. My husband has flown to funerals to show his respect (there and back in one day). All I can say is that a bunch of you are seriously low class. A text? LOL

I agree. People need to be kinder to their relatives. I can't even imagine sending a text to say "Sorry!" It's a crap move.
My coworker just lost his wife and I sent him a card and did a donation and people on here would say that's too much. I think we need to get back to acknowledging these significant events and caring about each other more.

Maybe this is generational. I don't think texts are inherently rude. It's the thought and content that counts, not the medium

[Anonymous]

I guess it’s personal. I would be fine with a text or nothing since I’m very private. When my very close aunt passed away, MIL tried to come stay with us for a while to help out with the house. That caused me over the top stress and it took a long time for her to take no for an answer. It caused a lot of unnecessary drama in a time when I was hurting. Everyone processes grief differently. I would not expect a card.

[Anonymous]

10:53 again. It’s completely personal. Thinking about families, MIL would be hurt if a card wasn’t sent. My parents would be hurt if food wasn’t sent. They would not care about flowers or a card but would expect food as a way of showing you care when someone dies.

[Anonymous]

I really think this is a dh problem. He should know what you expect of his family and he should let his family know. He should say "mom and dad- please make sure you send flowers to the funeral- here is the address and time." Or whatever you're looking for.

How long ago did your mom pass away? Is it likely that they've already sent flowers or a donation to the funeral and it hasn't been held yet? A lot of people do this instead of calling the bereaved. I actually don't call people who have had deaths in their families as I figure the last thing they want to do is to be on the phone with me. I do send flowers to the funeral and/or a card to the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you expect more from them? My ILs texted me their condolences when my father died. That's it. I didn't expect them to do anything else.

~Married 25+ years.

This world is so uncivil and uncaring. What in the fresh hell? A text about a parent dying is what is acceptable? When friends have lost parents, we send flowers or food. A card at the very least. My husband has flown to funerals to show his respect (there and back in one day). All I can say is that a bunch of you are seriously low class. A text? LOL

I agree. People need to be kinder to their relatives. I can't even imagine sending a text to say "Sorry!" It's a crap move.
My coworker just lost his wife and I sent him a card and did a donation and people on here would say that's too much. I think we need to get back to acknowledging these significant events and caring about each other more.

Sorry, but you do you. I would think that a coworker sending me a card and a donation would cross boundaries and blur my personal boundary. My employee just lost his mom and I'm not even allowed to mention it to others until he mentions it first because I need to respect his personal privacy (per HR).

I have sent very lovely texts when people have lost family members. For one, they're immediate, unlike snail mail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you expect more from them? My ILs texted me their condolences when my father died. That's it. I didn't expect them to do anything else.

~Married 25+ years.

This world is so uncivil and uncaring. What in the fresh hell? A text about a parent dying is what is acceptable? When friends have lost parents, we send flowers or food. A card at the very least. My husband has flown to funerals to show his respect (there and back in one day). All I can say is that a bunch of you are seriously low class. A text? LOL

I agree. People need to be kinder to their relatives. I can't even imagine sending a text to say "Sorry!" It's a crap move.
My coworker just lost his wife and I sent him a card and did a donation and people on here would say that's too much. I think we need to get back to acknowledging these significant events and caring about each other more.

I'm the first PP you're responding to. To paraphrase a PP, why is a card better than a text? How does a card convey sentiment better than a text? For me, I don't judge people by how the reach out to me. I'm as happy to get a text as a card - in fact, I'd rather someone text me rather than waste money on a card that will just go into a recycle bin. When I'm grieving, I definitely don't want a phone call from someone other than a close friend.

It's not as if I don't have experience with loss. I lost 2 brothers when I was still living in my hometown. I lost my father after moving to the DC area. While I appreciate gestures people make, I certainly don't judge them or their affections for me based on their not sending flower, not sending/bringing food or how they communicate their condolences. I recognize people have capabilities, capacities and expectations. I can only manage my own, not others. I'm immensely glad my family and friends are more like me than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the people who say a text is fine, I’m amazed at your lack of manners (and obviously, caring but that is another story). People on DCUM are always wondering what is low class or middle class, what makes you look wealthy. If you don’t have time to address a card and think a text is acceptable- you are LOW CLASS. So many disgusting middle class strivers on DCUM who think they are too busy to show some decency. Just gross.

+100
My parents met my FIL exactly once at the wedding. My in-laws live in a small, remote country. When FIL passed away they sent a card and flowers. They didn’t call because MIL has very limited English. It’s not hard to show some decency.

[Anonymous]

Why is a text worse than a card? When my friends' parents have passed away over the years, I always send texts. They are heartfelt and sincere. They aren't "sorry bro!" like people on here are suggesting. They are the exact same thoughts that i would put into a card. Only with a text, my friends write back and then we can have a warm back and forth over several texts, and I don't feel like i'm infringing on their private space during their grief.

I legitimately don't see the issue here? And i'm someone who believes fairly strongly in etiquette.

If i don't know someone well, i probably still send a card. But for close friends with whom texting is the normal communication, then text all the way. Far more personal and heartfelt.

If one of my parents passed, honesty i would just be happy for any personal note from anyone - even if it was on facebook! Isn't it truly the fact that someone is thinking of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom died last year. A long illness and a very sad death. Afterwards, I got a text from my MIL and one from my SIL. Both live out of the area, but still. No card, no flowers, no real phone calls. DH and I have been married 19 years. I think this has changed the way I want to interact with them. I think I'm kind of done.

I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Have you considered grief counseling? If not, please try because it helps tremendously.

Family and friends gather round immediately following a death but a month after funeral they get back to their own lives and their problems. The first year after losing a loved one is the most difficult but time helps.

Please try grief counseling even if you had counseling immediately following her death.

I wish you peace and comfort and peace to your mother's spirit

[Anonymous]

I haver been with my DH for 25 years, married for 20. Last year my father died unexpectedly and in a tragic way. My FIL never said anything, one of my SIL's never said anything, and my DH's grandmother (to whom my family is extremely close) still has not said anything at all, to me or to my kids.

Five years ago my MIL died after being very sick with a terminal illness for 4 years. It was excruciating experience for everyone, including us. I helped take care of her and my husband's grandmother who was mourning the loss of her only child. I helped clean up my MIL's house, wrap up her estate, take care of everything when her own kids were too upset to do it and asked me to take over.

Then when my father dies, crickets. So yeah, I feel you OP. I was stunned I got zero support when I offered so much before. It still stings.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP that you're hurting.

My mom passed away 4 years ago. We saw my ILs a few week after her passing and most of them gave me hugs and words of comfort. 2 were noticeably quiet and never said or did anything to acknowledge my loss. They were not the only ones. Even my uncle, my mom's brother, did not say or do anything. I've come to the realization that some people are only good to have in fair weather, not during storms. Mentally I've let them go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom died last year. A long illness and a very sad death. Afterwards, I got a text from my MIL and one from my SIL. Both live out of the area, but still. No card, no flowers, no real phone calls. DH and I have been married 19 years. I think this has changed the way I want to interact with them. I think I'm kind of done.

If your mom died last year, does that mean you've been ruminating on this for that long?
Or did something else happen with them (ala the straw that broke the camel's back)?

What brought this sentiment on just now, when this occurred so long ago?

PS, my condolences on your mom's passing. ❤

OP here. You are right. I think with the anniversary of my mom’s death I’m feeling a lot. They have never been great in laws, but I guess I expected more. I think I’m just really, relit sad and yes as another PP stated, angry. I am trying to learn to accept things and people as they are. Just really sad.

Thank you for your condolences PP. it was very kind.

PP here, again I'm so sorry for your loss... hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think this kind of bean-counting is silly. Most people don't know what to do in that situation. I mean, why is a card better than a text? Why are flowers better than a card? It all seems kind of petty - the point should be that they thought of you and reached out, probably in the way that they communicate with you the most.

This. Don't be that person OP. My mother has become like that and it's a manifestation of her depression. Grief is not an excuse to be petty. They tried to show they care. Thank you is all you need to text back and then let it go.