Inlaws not supportive after Mom's death

[Anonymous]

WTF? I would expect a phone call.

[Anonymous]

What a bunch of cold hearted b__ches on here.

[Anonymous]

All the people who say a text is fine, I’m amazed at your lack of manners (and obviously, caring but that is another story). People on DCUM are always wondering what is low class or middle class, what makes you look wealthy. If you don’t have time to address a card and think a text is acceptable- you are LOW CLASS. So many disgusting middle class strivers on DCUM who think they are too busy to show some decency. Just gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because death after 70 is kind of natural, they didn’t know you needed some special support you know?

A card is hardly “special support.” Are you really so lazy and low class that you can’t write out a card? “I’m going to ignore the part about *shrug* “the person was 70” so who cares…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you expect more from them? My ILs texted me their condolences when my father died. That's it. I didn't expect them to do anything else.

~Married 25+ years.

This world is so uncivil and uncaring. What in the fresh hell? A text about a parent dying is what is acceptable? When friends have lost parents, we send flowers or food. A card at the very least. My husband has flown to funerals to show his respect (there and back in one day). All I can say is that a bunch of you are seriously low class. A text? LOL

Maybe it's your facility with the English language, but I wouldn't call this behavior "low class." Exactly the opposite actually---poorer people often have more connected families and are the first to sympathize with a death in the family, while richer people don't have the time and just text. I guess they could have sent flowers I suppose--but if your relationship with your in-laws was closer, I imagine they might have said more...if you're ready to call it quits over this, it must not be a very close relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, this might just be a cultural divide. I find that my DH’s family cares much more about sending cards and flowers, while my own parents have never done such a thing. I know how insulted my MIL would be if something like this passed without a card or flower acknowledgment, but it’s simply not the same for everyone in the country to acknowledge this way. It’s a very narrow expectation of what others are calling class, and I hope you reconsider your anger towards family. Disappointing to not get even a call, but perhaps they view death in a more blasé way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider that this could be an "anger" grief response. I would not expect much from my ILs in the case of my mother's death. They could assume my own family members were taking precedence and it wasn't their role. Families are different. Anyway, you feel this thing, but sometimes, after a death, you feel things that in later stages of grief you don't anymore. So don't take anty drastic steps here. Give it some time, think about what it means.

Best response of the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you expect more from them? My ILs texted me their condolences when my father died. That's it. I didn't expect them to do anything else.

~Married 25+ years.

This world is so uncivil and uncaring. What in the fresh hell? A text about a parent dying is what is acceptable? When friends have lost parents, we send flowers or food. A card at the very least. My husband has flown to funerals to show his respect (there and back in one day). All I can say is that a bunch of you are seriously low class. A text? LOL

This is OP. Yes, I do expect more than a text from my in-laws. What the hell. I agree with the pp above. What is this world coming to? Where are the basic manners? They never called. Nothing. For those that think a text is okay, it makes me wonder how you were raised. It’s not okay for close friends or family. I think the world is a crazy, cold place.

Were they never thoughtful with cards and gifts prior to this? Where is your DH in all of this family communication?

[Anonymous]

Are you sure they didn’t send a card? Thanks to Trump and DeJoy, mail is not as reliable as it used to be. Have your DH ask if they sent anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom died last year. A long illness and a very sad death. Afterwards, I got a text from my MIL and one from my SIL. Both live out of the area, but still. No card, no flowers, no real phone calls. DH and I have been married 19 years. I think this has changed the way I want to interact with them. I think I'm kind of done.

If your mom died last year, does that mean you've been ruminating on this for that long?
Or did something else happen with them (ala the straw that broke the camel's back)?

What brought this sentiment on just now, when this occurred so long ago?

PS, my condolences on your mom's passing. ❤

[Anonymous]

I got an email when each of my parents died, from my MIL. The FIL said nothing. But I had zero expectations of more.

They attended my dad's funeral and drank themselves silly on the free wine but my mother died during the pandemic so that was only minimal attendance.

I know what you mean though, you don't feel closer to them you feel like they're less important, somehow. That my have been the case regardless of how they responded.

Either way, I'm sorry for your loss OP, it's never easy. Look after yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom died last year. A long illness and a very sad death. Afterwards, I got a text from my MIL and one from my SIL. Both live out of the area, but still. No card, no flowers, no real phone calls. DH and I have been married 19 years. I think this has changed the way I want to interact with them. I think I'm kind of done.

If your mom died last year, does that mean you've been ruminating on this for that long?
Or did something else happen with them (ala the straw that broke the camel's back)?

What brought this sentiment on just now, when this occurred so long ago?

PS, my condolences on your mom's passing. ❤

OP here. You are right. I think with the anniversary of my mom’s death I’m feeling a lot. They have never been great in laws, but I guess I expected more. I think I’m just really, relit sad and yes as another PP stated, angry. I am trying to learn to accept things and people as they are. Just really sad.

Thank you for your condolences PP. it was very kind.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m so sorry for your loss, and I know it stings.

I agree with the PP who is saying you are misdirecting the anger you’re feeling over losing your loved one to this small event.

Unfortunately, social norms change and texting is now a completely normal way for some families to communicate.

Consider what about this interaction would make you feel better if they had put the exact same words into a 5 x3 piece of card stock, only those words were pre printed and all they had to do was sign their name?

They may not have wanted to infringe beyond that on a very personal time, maybe hoping you may reach out from those initial texts. Perhaps they sent more condolences through your spouse. You don’t know - you’re just festering on an expectation that was yours, not theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been in the same boat.
I think a lot of people don't know how to handle death or illness. It was interesting to see that some of the most heartfelt messages came from people I barely know, while close friends or relatives weren't at all consistent. A couple texts but mostly silence.

+1. Sorry for your loss, OP. I don’t think a text is sufficient (particularly if they didn’t even attend the funeral). Having been through it twice, I would send food and a card/flowers, go to the funeral, and check in on the family. I think some people are self centered and don’t care, but others just don’t know what to do or feel uncomfortable with the situation for whatever reason. You can’t change them, though. Maybe try grief counseling?

[Anonymous]

Op you are looking for a fight. I don’t think cards are expected anymore and they are certainly not a sign of how much someone loves you or how much money they have.

My parents are very wealthy and my mom used to always send a million sympathy cards back in the day, anytime anyone she remotely knew from her church community died. I have no idea if she still does that, but the point is that she was previously someone who put a lot of effort into that etiquette. but when DHs mom died a few years ago, my parents privately texted with him about it. They did not send a card. And my parents and DH have an extremely close relationship. That was the appropriate means of communicating their sympathy in that case; they know he wouldn’t want to talk in his sadness, and that texting is their best way of reaching him. In fact I think dh only got one card at all - from a random old work colleague.