Inlaws not supportive after Mom's death

[Anonymous]

Mom died last year. A long illness and a very sad death. Afterwards, I got a text from my MIL and one from my SIL. Both live out of the area, but still. No card, no flowers, no real phone calls. DH and I have been married 19 years. I think this has changed the way I want to interact with them. I think I'm kind of done.

[Anonymous]

You’re wrong.

[Anonymous]

PP - why wrong?

[Anonymous]

I feel like a card would be nice but a text is sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a card would be nice but a text is sufficient.

+1. I would not let this affect your 19 year relationship, pp. They thought of you—that is enough. Sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I've been in the same boat.
I think a lot of people don't know how to handle death or illness. It was interesting to see that some of the most heartfelt messages came from people I barely know, while close friends or relatives weren't at all consistent. A couple texts but mostly silence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a card would be nice but a text is sufficient.

+1. I would not let this affect your 19 year relationship, pp. They thought of you—that is enough. Sorry for your loss.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think this comes down to personal preference, OP. Try not to let IL’s personal preference affect your feelings towards them. Personally, I would not expect a card. I appreciate when i receive one, but i know many people who do not. Thinking to send a card is a lovely idea, but sometimes people send religious sentiments or trite platitudes that might not be appreciated by the recipient. I also never feel like I know what to say. People grieve in such personal ways.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking cards and phone calls are the only way to offer support.

[Anonymous]

Op - they do not need to have done more.

[Anonymous]

I’m appalled they didn’t so much as send a card or flowers or a donation. I’d be polite but distant going forward.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by “not real phone call.” Was there a phone call that you felt was inadequate?
Did they express their sympathies to you? What else did you want from them? I’m really trying to understand here.

[Anonymous]

When my father passed away, I wanted to be left alone. My parents and ILs live in the same town and on our way out of town, ex-DH just HAD to stop by his house and his mother ambushed me with a hug I didn't want.
My ILs were total pigs about our free time and shunted my family aside for years. They were the last people I wanted to see and hear from at that moment.

It was all a precursor to the dissolution of my marriage. Their presumptuousness made it easier for me to leave that family behind.

[Anonymous]

It kind of sounds like you're off the hook if one of them gets a cancer diagnosis, divorce' goes through a bankruptcy or so forth.

Just text them "so sorry to hear" and that's IT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my father passed away, I wanted to be left alone. My parents and ILs live in the same town and on our way out of town, ex-DH just HAD to stop by his house and his mother ambushed me with a hug I didn't want.
My ILs were total pigs about our free time and shunted my family aside for years. They were the last people I wanted to see and hear from at that moment.

It was all a precursor to the dissolution of my marriage. Their presumptuousness made it easier for me to leave that family behind.

And this has exactly what to do with OP’s emotional needs?

[Anonymous]

Why would you expect more from them? My ILs texted me their condolences when my father died. That's it. I didn't expect them to do anything else.

~Married 25+ years.