Inlaws not supportive after Mom's death

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you expect more from them? My ILs texted me their condolences when my father died. That's it. I didn't expect them to do anything else.

~Married 25+ years.

This world is so uncivil and uncaring. What in the fresh hell? A text about a parent dying is what is acceptable? When friends have lost parents, we send flowers or food. A card at the very least. My husband has flown to funerals to show his respect (there and back in one day). All I can say is that a bunch of you are seriously low class. A text? LOL

[Anonymous]

Because death after 70 is kind of natural, they didn’t know you needed some special support you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom died last year. A long illness and a very sad death. Afterwards, I got a text from my MIL and one from my SIL. Both live out of the area, but still. No card, no flowers, no real phone calls. DH and I have been married 19 years. I think this has changed the way I want to interact with them. I think I'm kind of done.

What were you expecting? The Good Year Blimp? A whole page ad in the New York Times? They both expressed sympathy. There is nothing more for them to do.

[Anonymous]

Sure they could've done more, but I think you're dwelling on this anger and feeling "done" because you're mourning the loss of your mother. Don't cut ties or escalate things unnecessarily.

Also know that people doing know how to respond to death.

[Anonymous]

OP - you have a rigid world view of how people should respond to this situation. Why don’t you let that go, be grateful for what you have, and take responsibility for managing your own grief.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what’s happening with these responses but I’m sorry for the friends of the pps. When someone close to your friends die, go to funerals if possible, donate to chosen charities, send flowers, whatever. People complain on this site about not having a village and I see why!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you expect more from them? My ILs texted me their condolences when my father died. That's it. I didn't expect them to do anything else.

~Married 25+ years.

When one of them dies, just text the surviving one: "Oh gosh sorry to hear."

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like there’s more going on. What your beef with them?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss, but I think you are overreacting. Don’t blow up relationships over things you can’t control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you expect more from them? My ILs texted me their condolences when my father died. That's it. I didn't expect them to do anything else.

~Married 25+ years.

This world is so uncivil and uncaring. What in the fresh hell? A text about a parent dying is what is acceptable? When friends have lost parents, we send flowers or food. A card at the very least. My husband has flown to funerals to show his respect (there and back in one day). All I can say is that a bunch of you are seriously low class. A text? LOL

This is OP. Yes, I do expect more than a text from my in-laws. What the hell. I agree with the pp above. What is this world coming to? Where are the basic manners? They never called. Nothing. For those that think a text is okay, it makes me wonder how you were raised. It’s not okay for close friends or family. I think the world is a crazy, cold place.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you, OP. I think they should have at the least sent you a card. I send a card almost any time someone I know/knew dies, even if I didn't know them that well, even if they were just an acquaintance or a former co-worker or the grandparent of one of my kids' friends, whatever. It takes a minute or 2 to write a little note and put it in the mail box just to let the bereaved know you are sorry for their loss and are thinking of them. You don't have to say more than that if it's someone you don't know well.

If it's someone you DO know well (the person who died or a close family member of someone who died) like in OP's case, I'd be attending the funeral, making a donation to the charity of their choice, sending food/gift cards, and a card. I don't normally call the bereaved or drop by in person because I don't want them to feel as though they have to talk to me right then.

But just think of others and let them know you care. It's basic human decency. I have unfortunately lost a lot of people I was close to over the years and I have really, really appreciated those who took time to attend the funeral, and/or send a card w/ a personal message in it. It helped me feel less alone in my loss.

[Anonymous]

Consider that this could be an "anger" grief response. I would not expect much from my ILs in the case of my mother's death. They could assume my own family members were taking precedence and it wasn't their role. Families are different. Anyway, you feel this thing, but sometimes, after a death, you feel things that in later stages of grief you don't anymore. So don't take anty drastic steps here. Give it some time, think about what it means.

[Anonymous]

Everyone experiences grief differently and therefore we sometimes are disappointed at how others act when we are going through it.

[Anonymous]

Op, because you accept condolences in the manner they are given. You don't tell people *how* to love you. They love you. Be a good person and show them some grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you expect more from them? My ILs texted me their condolences when my father died. That's it. I didn't expect them to do anything else.

~Married 25+ years.

They didn't come to the funeral or at least call and leave a VM?