Annual family visit to sibling, different income levels/expectations

[Anonymous]

You’re staying in their home. If you were in a hotel it would cost so much more to visit. If that number includes means out and outings it’s probably not terribly off the mark. Let him know that it was more expensive this past visit than you realized and might need to move to every other year visits for awhile, or shorter stays. Also consider it might have been more expensive than he’s been asking for all along. It’s ok to treat your guests some, but floating entire family vacations for others is kind of a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems so weird to me! I'm the "poor" compared to a number of family members. They'd never dream of charging for food in their homes when we came to visit. I would definitely pick up a tab or two for a restaurant meal or takeout, as well as assist in meal prep at home, but no one is asking for grocery money.

This is us. I’m the wealthy sibling and make nice dinners for my struggling sis & kids when they visit. If we go out to eat, I pay. I wouldn’t ever dream of asking her for grocery money. That’s bizarre and inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so weird to me! I'm the "poor" compared to a number of family members. They'd never dream of charging for food in their homes when we came to visit. I would definitely pick up a tab or two for a restaurant meal or takeout, as well as assist in meal prep at home, but no one is asking for grocery money.

This is us. I’m the wealthy sibling and make nice dinners for my struggling sis & kids when they visit. If we go out to eat, I pay. I wouldn’t ever dream of asking her for grocery money. That’s bizarre and inappropriate.

Maybe bro and SIL don't really love these annual visits as much as OP thinks...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so weird to me! I'm the "poor" compared to a number of family members. They'd never dream of charging for food in their homes when we came to visit. I would definitely pick up a tab or two for a restaurant meal or takeout, as well as assist in meal prep at home, but no one is asking for grocery money.

This is us. I’m the wealthy sibling and make nice dinners for my struggling sis & kids when they visit. If we go out to eat, I pay. I wouldn’t ever dream of asking her for grocery money. That’s bizarre and inappropriate.

Maybe bro and SIL don't really love these annual visits as much as OP thinks...

Or finances are different than what they’ve been in the past. That happens too.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine charging a family member or any guest to pay for groceries. Maybe they are not as financially comfortable as they seem.

However, $1000 for the week is not unreasonable. You said you like to visit because there are fun things to do. What fun things?

Arcade? Boating? Zoo, amusement parks? This will add up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you just talk to your brother and say that right now, because of the divorce, you are being careful with your spending? Tell him you are happy to make any arrangement he wants (you cook at home, you pick cheaper restaurants, they go out to eat as a family without you more) but that you aren’t able to keep the same arrangement that you have had in previous years. Given the change in your financial circumstances, this makes sense. If I was your sibling, I would understand. I would be more annoyed if you didn’t say anything and then just inexplicably said your were camping nearby and dropping the kids off for activities.

Exactly this. If you're close enough to vacation together, then you're close enough to have this conversation.

I’d let him know you have to spend less and will pay as you go along.

Maybe your brother is charging the food to a business card and taking a tax deduction?

[Anonymous]

It’s really weird that you let them manage the restaurant tabs for the entire week, Just get separate checks.

[Anonymous]

If brother and SIL are indeed living high on the hog like OP says then maybe their financial situation is not as rosy as it seems on the surface.

[Anonymous]

Ask your brother for the breakdown in the costs so you can figure out where to reduce your consumption to fit your “new budget realities” next time. If I was your sibling, I would feel like the biggest jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re staying in their home. If you were in a hotel it would cost so much more to visit. If that number includes means out and outings it’s probably not terribly off the mark. Let him know that it was more expensive this past visit than you realized and might need to move to every other year visits for awhile, or shorter stays. Also consider it might have been more expensive than he’s been asking for all along. It’s ok to treat your guests some, but floating entire family vacations for others is kind of a lot.

He hasn’t been “floating her entire family vacation”, pp. She pays for the flights and has reimbursed him for her portion of groceries and restaurants.

[Anonymous]

OP, just use your big girl words and talk to your brother. Remind him that your family situation has had an upheaval, that finances are tight, and you’re going to have to either skip or seriously cut back on your next visit for budget reasons. His response will tell you all you need to know about the arrangement.