Annual family visit to sibling, different income levels/expectations

[Anonymous]

We visit my brother every year at his house. My kids love visiting and playing with their cousins and their house is located in a place where there are a lot of fun things to do.
To keep things simple (and because we fly in) they usually take care of the groceries and restaurant tabs, and then at the end they let us know what our portion was.
I’ve been fine with this, but I’ve recently had to restrict my own spending due to divorce, and over the years my sibling and spouse have always made a lot more money than I do but they also live kind of high on the hog.
So the last “bill” I got approached $1000 for a week. We went out to moderately priced restaurants a few times and had a few treats.
Obviously I’m ok with part of this, after all, we are on vacation, and I want my 2 kids to have a good time and eat well.
But this seems like a crazy amount for 3 people. I would really prefer to keep things simple and eat cheap, simple foods like we do at home. I appreciate that my sibling and spouse are making things nice for us but I just can’t sustain this right now. I’m gonna take the hit for this year obviously, but going forward, I think I’ll just camp nearby and drop the kids off to play with their cousins in the afternoon.
Anyone else have family dynamics like this where there is a significant difference in income/lifestyle?
I have had them to my house too, and when they come I cook simple but nice foods and it doesn’t add much to my grocery bill and I ask them for very little.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t you just talk to your brother and say that right now, because of the divorce, you are being careful with your spending? Tell him you are happy to make any arrangement he wants (you cook at home, you pick cheaper restaurants, they go out to eat as a family without you more) but that you aren’t able to keep the same arrangement that you have had in previous years. Given the change in your financial circumstances, this makes sense. If I was your sibling, I would understand. I would be more annoyed if you didn’t say anything and then just inexplicably said your were camping nearby and dropping the kids off for activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you just talk to your brother and say that right now, because of the divorce, you are being careful with your spending? Tell him you are happy to make any arrangement he wants (you cook at home, you pick cheaper restaurants, they go out to eat as a family without you more) but that you aren’t able to keep the same arrangement that you have had in previous years. Given the change in your financial circumstances, this makes sense. If I was your sibling, I would understand. I would be more annoyed if you didn’t say anything and then just inexplicably said your were camping nearby and dropping the kids off for activities.

Exactly this. If you're close enough to vacation together, then you're close enough to have this conversation.

[Anonymous]

This seems so weird to me! I'm the "poor" compared to a number of family members. They'd never dream of charging for food in their homes when we came to visit. I would definitely pick up a tab or two for a restaurant meal or takeout, as well as assist in meal prep at home, but no one is asking for grocery money.

[Anonymous]

Your brother did the same thing you guys have always done, and you didn’t communicate well ahead of time that things need to be different. From now on, you can:

A) Not fly out to visit them (or cut back to every other year or whatever)
B) Invite them to visit YOU if they ask or protest, and explain that your financial landscape is different now
C) ***Communicate AHEAD OF TIME*** that your financial landscape has changed, the cost of airfare is steep, and you need to go low-cost on meals, activities, etc., so that your portion of the costs are lower. This will give him the opportunity to step up and say of course of course, we’ll pay for X and Y, or at the very least he can go for low-cost options with an eye to budgeting.

Point is: open your mouth and COMMUNICATE, because of course people will do what has always been done unless you SPEAK UP if things need to change.

[Anonymous]

Op talk to your brother.

[Anonymous]

I get splitting the bill for restaruants but charging you for food served in their home is bizarre.

[Anonymous]

From now on ask for separate checks and have groceries delivered to their house. That’s absurd and it sounds like they are inflating numbers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you just talk to your brother and say that right now, because of the divorce, you are being careful with your spending? Tell him you are happy to make any arrangement he wants (you cook at home, you pick cheaper restaurants, they go out to eat as a family without you more) but that you aren’t able to keep the same arrangement that you have had in previous years. Given the change in your financial circumstances, this makes sense. If I was your sibling, I would understand. I would be more annoyed if you didn’t say anything and then just inexplicably said your were camping nearby and dropping the kids off for activities.

I agree--talk to them. Maybe they'll cut back on the number of nights out, or the level or expense, or maybe they'll offer to cover for you. And you can offer to do more cooking at home (with or without them).

[Anonymous]

I couldn’t get past them charging you for groceries. WTF?!

[Anonymous]

Are you sure they (BIL and SIL) are loving these trips as much as your family is?

Because I just wouldn't dream of sending a single parents a bill like this for a week of meals or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Op - you speak your words
You've gone to the trouble of writing them. Now speak them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t get past them charging you for groceries. WTF?!

DPbut we've been told to bring a meals worth of food for everyone. We don't go to that house anymore.

[Anonymous]

Who charges visiting family members for groceries?

[Anonymous]

If you have 3 people it sounds like they are asking reimbursement for their meals and yours. No way even eating out nightly yours should be that much. Split the check and pay your own.