Annual family visit to sibling, different income levels/expectations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get splitting the bill for restaruants but charging you for food served in their home is bizarre.

Same. We will trade off paying the restaurant tab or split the bill, but I’ve never heard of charging for groceries for someone you’re hosting in your home.

It's common courtesy to offer to buy food too. Go to the nice local pastry shop and pick up breakfast one morning. Or go to the butcher and buy the meat & fish for dinner.

My favorite is when my BIL goes and buys pastries for breakfast that his kids devour in no time. He buys just enough to have 1 per person, so before I even realize what is going on my nephews have eaten it all and there is nothing left for me and my kids. Yet I am the one cleaning, cooking and loading and unloading the dishwasher all day long. That's why I honestly hate hosting people for more than a weekend. It's too much work & too costly. 

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get splitting the bill for restaruants but charging you for food served in their home is bizarre.

Same. We will trade off paying the restaurant tab or split the bill, but I’ve never heard of charging for groceries for someone you’re hosting in your home.

It's common courtesy to offer to buy food too. Go to the nice local pastry shop and pick up breakfast one morning. Or go to the butcher and buy the meat & fish for dinner.

My favorite is when my BIL goes and buys pastries for breakfast that his kids devour in no time. He buys just enough to have 1 per person, so before I even realize what is going on my nephews have eaten it all and there is nothing left for me and my kids. Yet I am the one cleaning, cooking and loading and unloading the dishwasher all day long. That's why I honestly hate hosting people for more than a weekend. It's too much work & too costly. 

It’s one thing for guests to make a run to the grocery store to restock some things you’ve eaten or bring in some special snacks (my relatives will do this). It’s another thing to keep a running tally of groceries and send a bill.

[Anonymous]

I would never present houseguests with a bill, but I don't have a whole family of houseguests who come for a week and mooch off of me every year either. OP, I think you should either reduce the length of your visit or consider staying in a rental. If you are treating this like a vacation, $1000 is a steal.

[Anonymous]

They give you an itemized invoice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you just talk to your brother and say that right now, because of the divorce, you are being careful with your spending? Tell him you are happy to make any arrangement he wants (you cook at home, you pick cheaper restaurants, they go out to eat as a family without you more) but that you aren’t able to keep the same arrangement that you have had in previous years. Given the change in your financial circumstances, this makes sense. If I was your sibling, I would understand. I would be more annoyed if you didn’t say anything and then just inexplicably said your were camping nearby and dropping the kids off for activities.

Exactly this. If you're close enough to vacation together, then you're close enough to have this conversation.

Exactly - and he's your bro. He should just cover the $1k knowing you're going through a dark time. I would do it for my little bro and he would do it for me without thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never present houseguests with a bill, but I don't have a whole family of houseguests who come for a week and mooch off of me every year either. OP, I think you should either reduce the length of your visit or consider staying in a rental. If you are treating this like a vacation, $1000 is a steal.

She also pays for airfare for her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you just talk to your brother and say that right now, because of the divorce, you are being careful with your spending? Tell him you are happy to make any arrangement he wants (you cook at home, you pick cheaper restaurants, they go out to eat as a family without you more) but that you aren’t able to keep the same arrangement that you have had in previous years. Given the change in your financial circumstances, this makes sense. If I was your sibling, I would understand. I would be more annoyed if you didn’t say anything and then just inexplicably said your were camping nearby and dropping the kids off for activities.

Exactly this. If you're close enough to vacation together, then you're close enough to have this conversation.

Exactly - and he's your bro. He should just cover the $1k knowing you're going through a dark time. I would do it for my little bro and he would do it for me without thinking.

+1. Who do you think is behind this arrangement: brother or SIL?

[Anonymous]

Given the divorce your brother should be smart enough to know that money could be an issue and not charge you a cent.

[Anonymous]

My sister is divorced with two young children and we pay for everything including their air fare. We know that her resources are limited and we can afford it. It helps that my husband really likes my sister and her children. Sometimes people are clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you just talk to your brother and say that right now, because of the divorce, you are being careful with your spending? Tell him you are happy to make any arrangement he wants (you cook at home, you pick cheaper restaurants, they go out to eat as a family without you more) but that you aren’t able to keep the same arrangement that you have had in previous years. Given the change in your financial circumstances, this makes sense. If I was your sibling, I would understand. I would be more annoyed if you didn’t say anything and then just inexplicably said your were camping nearby and dropping the kids off for activities.

Exactly this. If you're close enough to vacation together, then you're close enough to have this conversation.

Exactly - and he's your bro. He should just cover the $1k knowing you're going through a dark time. I would do it for my little bro and he would do it for me without thinking.

+1. Who do you think is behind this arrangement: brother or SIL?

What does it matter? Even if SIL proposed it, brother is going along with it and is therefore EQUALLY RESPONSIBLE. I love how you people try to blame SIL for everything, failing to recognize that no matter what SIL decides that you don’t like, if your brother goes along with it, it’s his decision, too.

[Anonymous]

OP included in this $1000 are there several things like zoo admissions, laser tag entry, water parks, Six Flags etc? You mentioned that you go ther “because there are a lot of fun things to do.” And bro pays for stuff “to keep it simple.”

Is bro paying a few hundred for amusement park entry for your kids because he just used his credit card to get 6 tickets at once? If so its okay to pay him back when he lets you know that tallly. My sister and I take turns doing this when we travel with the kids

But presenting you a bill for the Cheerios he bought at Harris Teeter - that his kids sampled, too — is complete bullshit. And it always has been, fwiw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get splitting the bill for restaruants but charging you for food served in their home is bizarre.

+1. OP, in future years just split the bill at restaurants. I'm not sure what to say about the groceries. $1,000 seems steep for a few restaurant meals and groceries for 3 people (2 of whom are children) for only 1 week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you just talk to your brother and say that right now, because of the divorce, you are being careful with your spending? Tell him you are happy to make any arrangement he wants (you cook at home, you pick cheaper restaurants, they go out to eat as a family without you more) but that you aren’t able to keep the same arrangement that you have had in previous years. Given the change in your financial circumstances, this makes sense. If I was your sibling, I would understand. I would be more annoyed if you didn’t say anything and then just inexplicably said your were camping nearby and dropping the kids off for activities.

Exactly this. If you're close enough to vacation together, then you're close enough to have this conversation.

Exactly - and he's your bro. He should just cover the $1k knowing you're going through a dark time. I would do it for my little bro and he would do it for me without thinking.

+1. Who do you think is behind this arrangement: brother or SIL?

What does it matter? Even if SIL proposed it, brother is going along with it and is therefore EQUALLY RESPONSIBLE. I love how you people try to blame SIL for everything, failing to recognize that no matter what SIL decides that you don’t like, if your brother goes along with it, it’s his decision, too.

Simmer down. I have a BIL who is ridiculously tight despite their seven figure income. We never stay at their house because my sister doesn’t want to confront him about his anal-retentive ways even though it is downright embarrassing to hear him question her and the kids about every expense and purchase. No point in asking brother if she knows SIL won’t go along with a reduced contribution.

[Anonymous]

Like everyone else I agree it's super bizarre to charge guests for groceries.

I'd just say next time, ahead of time, hey Bro can we eat at home and not do restaurants? I don't have as much cash as I did when I was with Mark.

$1,000 for a week for you and a child is absurd. Are they getting $100 bottles of wine or something for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP included in this $1000 are there several things like zoo admissions, laser tag entry, water parks, Six Flags etc? You mentioned that you go ther “because there are a lot of fun things to do.” And bro pays for stuff “to keep it simple.”

Is bro paying a few hundred for amusement park entry for your kids because he just used his credit card to get 6 tickets at once? If so its okay to pay him back when he lets you know that tallly. My sister and I take turns doing this when we travel with the kids

But presenting you a bill for the Cheerios he bought at Harris Teeter - that his kids sampled, too — is complete bullshit. And it always has been, fwiw.

This is what I'm thinking. Kids' activities aren't cheap. Even for 1 kid to visit a fun house, it's going to set you back about $100 because of food, admission tickets for the accompanying grown-ups, add-ons for laser tag etc. Kids are very high-maintenance. How many will be fine with a free visit to the library?