Would you include mother in law in holidays and life events if she was like this?

[Anonymous]

Just like with kids, you have to ensure the person knows they are creating a problem before you issue them a punishment. Don't assume she knows her behaviors are upsetting. DH needs to speak up and clearly say "Mom, please stop." when she does something.

Her reaction will dictate what you do from here on. If she zips it when she's called out then you know you just have to nip things in bud with clear messaging. If she doesn't then you have leverage to exclude her by saying "We've asked you to keep your comments to yourself but you refuse."

[Anonymous]

OP, we can’t control others, only our own actions. You get to decide how you want to be treated and how you want your children to be treated. MiL has shown you over and over again that she’s emotionally labile. It’s fine that you want to keep her in your life, but don’t include her in situations where you feel trapped and forced to endure her rants.

I disagree with the PP who says you have to spell out for MiL what’s making you unhappy and give her a chance to stop. MiL is an adult with access to therapy and self help. She sees your facial expressions and remembers the disagreements as well as you do. If she can’t figure out why you’re unhappy from your words and non-verbal communication during her rants, you don’t owe her an explanation.

I will counter that if you invite MiL to your home, it’s harder to “escape” if she’s unkind. If you meet her out, say at a restaurant or for a picnic in the park, it’s easier to grab the kids and say “Ok, that’s enough. We need to go now.” Remember, it wouldn’t be you “ruining” the “nice” family gathering; this is on MiL and her behavior.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. My MIL shows no interest in our children's activities or school events. I just stopped inviting her and if my DH wants to invite he he can. The latest was that we invited he to watch our DD' s dance recital (2 min long) on line and she said, " I did that last year, isn't that enough?" And I'm out.

[Anonymous]

That's very sad about the dance recital.

My stepsister's dad went to watch her ride her horse exactly once. He didn't even stick around for five minutes before saying, "This is boring!" and leaving. She was ten years old.

This is how to have no relationship with your children/grandchildren. Which is maybe what these people are aiming for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very difficult to imagine that you are describing her accurately. Literally screaming in a restaurant for 5 minutes? If so, then I’d not be happy she’s there but if your husband wants her and she’s his mother, I don’t think you have the right to exclude her. Just talk with your kid about how sometimes grandma is mean, I guess?

yes, of course you have the right to exclude her, this is your family not hers, she can spend time with the kids at other times, don’t let her ruin your events, my dad is like that and so he’s not invited to attend these events, my dc likes him very much but even he is aware about his grandpa’s lack of control, he’s wondering how my mom deals with it … ask the kids in front of your dh ‘did grandma make you feel bad about the awards, you shouldn’t, she doesn’t know what your award really means, it was different in her time’ something politically correct but still take action

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree that MIL invites should be way more limited.

As for dealing with elders, I was taught to respect and defer to my elders. My grandmother was an unhappy, self-centered person. One time she started going on to me about how my father was useless and didn't amount to anything. I just sat there and took it, which haunts me to this day, but I was 17. My "respect" was so ingrained I felt I couldn't say anything back. I should have defended my dad, who is a great person and worked hard to support his family (including her, funny enough). Turns out she had some mental illness and developed dementia as she got older. But yes, an elder being mean and hurtful doesn't override general respect between family members, especially considering her history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard with my MIL and feel like I invite her to family things like the kids awards in school or games or birthday dinners but she always makes harsh and rude comments that ruins the vibe.

For instance we were out at my son’s birthday dinner and she flew off the handle going off on him for opening his mouth when he chewed (he’s 6) in a 5 minute rant yelling.

At my son’s kinder award ceremony he didn’t get a higher level award like leadership and swooned over other kids saying they got the best ones compared to my son and didn’t even say congrats or job well done on what was a big day for him.

When my husband and I brought her out for mother’s day to celebrate her, we had a little exchange of words (no bad words just obviously a small argument) and she flipped out saying good parents don’t argue in front of their kids and screamed at me.

These are just two recent things but there have been dozens over the years, always knocking how we raise our kids or their manners or what. We are human and obviously not perfect. What’s sort of infuriating about the whole thing for me is we are good parents that are very involved and put a lot of energy into raising our kids. By any objective measure she was a hot mess as a parent, severe severe addict in and out of jobs, divorced, went from rental to rental getting evicted and lights turned off, left kids for 6 month at a time to be with boyfriends, didn’t make it to any sports games or big days for her kids, showed up at parent conferences drunk. I find it ironic she’s flying off the handle about table manners. I’m torn because obviously my husband wants her there but she’s so unpleasant in these situations. Alone with the kids she’s great and much better moods (she’s also sober and has been for a while) but she seems to have some social anxiety that makes her shut down and get rude or aggressive in situations you’re expected to be a certain way if that makes sense.

Guess the race, religion and political affiliation of this person with this info!!

Ok I'll play! White, Christian Republican- like many heroin and meth addicts.

[Anonymous]

No, life is too short to let a toxic person ruin life's beautiful moments. Family is not an excuse.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like MIL needs to be on meds. I would minimize contact with someone like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t invite her either and would not tell her when these events are happening. Imagine she throws one of her fits at a school event. That would be so embarrassing for your son. Also, if she starts yelling at your son, you need to protect him and tell her to leave immediately or you take your child and leave, regardless of what your DH does/doesn’t do. Your DH is a child of an addict, he has been groomed his whole life to accept these behaviors, doesn’t mean you have to accept it or allow it for your child. If she started criticizing my parenting, I would have no reservations to tell her she is last person to be passing judgment and tell her exactly why. You all need boundaries.

exactly this. +++