Would you include mother in law in holidays and life events if she was like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she got out of the car in rage and didn’t talk to me for 4 months, she was shaking and crying because I talked back to her and ranted that I was so disrespectful. It’s just a lot. We are both adults but she wants this weird dynamic where she’s the parent who can scold us and we just have to sit and take it without any sort of reasoning back or defending our decisions.

She’s an elder, children should respect their elders. Teach your children to do better than you were taught by not talking back to their grandma. It’s just rude. If you need to address it then you sit down away from children, you don’t talk back in front of children. I’m beginning to think you have no manners and granny is just trying to teach them to you too.

Respect is a two-way street. My granddad was my “elder” but he was a blatant racist. Do you think it would have been “polite” to allow him to say racist slurs in my presence? Hell no. When he would say something racist I would say, “If you say anything like that again today, I am leaving.” When I had a baby who was so small she was in a carseat, he said the n-word in front of her and I said, “If you ever say anything like that again in my presence or in the presence of my husband or child, not only will I leave, but you will never see me again.” He never said anything of the sort in my presence.

“Elder” my foot. If someone is old that does not give them license to be racist, rude, disparaging, disrespectful or unkind. You teach people how to treat you, and no one will ever learn that they can be rude to me or my family and not expect pushback.

+1

Someone who was an addict usually has toxic behavior ingrained in them even when they do become sober.

[Anonymous]

She sounds very toxic. I would not allow her to talk to my kids like that. I would be annoyed if she said anything at all to my kid about his table manners at this birthday dinner but if she was polite and kind about it "{son's name} please close your mouth when you're chewing." and left it at that, fine. Still annoying. It is his bday dinner and he's a young child. But if she actually yelled at him, said anything in a mean way, or went on and on lecturing him about it, I'd step in and say "{MIL's name} please stop. We do teach table manners but {lecturing him, raising your voice, speaking to him that way} is not appropriate or necessary."

At the kinder awards ceremony, I'd also step in and ask her if she can say something to build your son up and make him feel proud of his achievements instead of going on and on about other kids.

It sounds like she doesn't even fully realize how her behavior affects others (and/or maybe she doesn't care). But it seems like no one in your family ever stands up to her when she is bullying others.

[Anonymous]

Re:Would you include mother in law in holidays and life events if she was like this?

NOPE!

[Anonymous]

Nope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:she got out of the car in rage and didn’t talk to me for 4 months, she was shaking and crying because I talked back to her and ranted that I was so disrespectful. It’s just a lot. We are both adults but she wants this weird dynamic where she’s the parent who can scold us and we just have to sit and take it without any sort of reasoning back or defending our decisions.

Op, she probably has a personality disorder. If you grew up in a relatively normal family, you are likely completely unfamiliar with this dynamic. Both my mil and FIL have personality disorders and are extremely toxic people. It’s fine to limit your exposure to her. She’s not capable of normal interactions. You can’t treat her like a run-of-the-mill grandma because she’s not one. Invite her to things she can handle. School events and dinners out seem to be beyond her. That’s okay.

[Anonymous]

Op - you are entitled to a preference. Who you have around, when, for what occasions. You do not need to search for "the why" of why she does this.

[Anonymous]

No, I would only invite her to events where I could have some wine...... and I rarely drink.

[Anonymous]

Nah OP, you and your husband are not good parents or you would protect your child. Why would you let someone rag on a Kid that his award was less than the others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very difficult to imagine that you are describing her accurately. Literally screaming in a restaurant for 5 minutes? If so, then I’d not be happy she’s there but if your husband wants her and she’s his mother, I don’t think you have the right to exclude her. Just talk with your kid about how sometimes grandma is mean, I guess?

She looked and him and said STOP blablabla a few sentences then ranted to my husband and I for 5 minutes how we need to practice table manners with the kids (3 and 6, which we do but they are learning)... she has very high standards how she (incorrectly) remember how she did things with her kids.

Your 6 year old should know how to chew with his mouth closed.

Irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she got out of the car in rage and didn’t talk to me for 4 months, she was shaking and crying because I talked back to her and ranted that I was so disrespectful. It’s just a lot. We are both adults but she wants this weird dynamic where she’s the parent who can scold us and we just have to sit and take it without any sort of reasoning back or defending our decisions.

She’s an elder, children should respect their elders. Teach your children to do better than you were taught by not talking back to their grandma. It’s just rude. If you need to address it then you sit down away from children, you don’t talk back in front of children. I’m beginning to think you have no manners and granny is just trying to teach them to you too.

Absolutely not, MeeMaw.

[Anonymous]

Simple answer. No.

[Anonymous]

No, I would not.

[Anonymous]

1. Stop inviting her to things.

2. Don’t allow DH to invite her to things.

3. Get DH therapy to work through why he wants to invite such a toxic person to be around his family.

4. Protect your kids.

[Anonymous]

Please tell us why you have to crowd source this question.

[Anonymous]

First talk to your husband let him know how it affects u and possibly your child. Then only invite her to No pressure at home visits. Also agree with your husband to create boundaries. Her flying off the handle in public is unacceptable and she needs to know that so that when she asks why she did not go to this or that function you can be honest with her. How do you change a behavior you don’t see anything wrong with and no one addresses? She needs to know