Would you include mother in law in holidays and life events if she was like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not invite her to any event where she is likely to make my kid feel bad.

This X1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The hard thing is, my husband wants her there and also she really does have good intentions and in her head wants to be there but she just has some weird social issues where she doesn’t realize it’s worse to fly off the handle at a birthday celebration dinner you’re invited to join in than be 6 years old and not have the best table manners. She just had no social grace if that makes sense but may not realize it. I sometimes want to call her out on the spot, especially when it’s directed at me but my husband is always conflict adverse so he wouldn’t like this.

Then this is a husband problem, not a MIL problem.

[Anonymous]

I think the first step is recognizing that your DH is falling on his childhood conditioning. I'm sure he very much wanted her to be a better mother and, as kids so often do, did what he could to please her so she'd love him and be a better mother. He's likely not even aware of it and it may be painful to shine a light on it.

As described, your MIL's behaviors are toxic. There's no way I'd tolerate it or allow my kids to be subjected to it. If it's only situational and not pervasive, then I'd make sure she wasn't in the situations that triggered her. I'd point out to my DH the objectionable behaviors, not focusing on the person, and impose boundaries. It's probably going to be very difficult for him and I suggest you work with a relationship counselor on it. This is a common problem and a good counselor can help you both.

FWIW - I say this as someone who grew up in toxic home and have had to set boundaries with my own mother. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

No, neither my husband nor I wouldn't invite such a person. Why on earth would we do that to ourselves?!?

My mother has said very hurtful things over the years, and insulted my husband many times. We cut her off for a while, until she understood she couldn't behave that way. Now our relationship is much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard with my MIL and feel like I invite her to family things like the kids awards in school or games or birthday dinners but she always makes harsh and rude comments that ruins the vibe.

For instance we were out at my son’s birthday dinner and she flew off the handle going off on him for opening his mouth when he chewed (he’s 6) in a 5 minute rant yelling.

At my son’s kinder award ceremony he didn’t get a higher level award like leadership and swooned over other kids saying they got the best ones compared to my son and didn’t even say congrats or job well done on what was a big day for him.

When my husband and I brought her out for mother’s day to celebrate her, we had a little exchange of words (no bad words just obviously a small argument) and she flipped out saying good parents don’t argue in front of their kids and screamed at me.

These are just two recent things but there have been dozens over the years, always knocking how we raise our kids or their manners or what. We are human and obviously not perfect. What’s sort of infuriating about the whole thing for me is we are good parents that are very involved and put a lot of energy into raising our kids. By any objective measure she was a hot mess as a parent, severe severe addict in and out of jobs, divorced, went from rental to rental getting evicted and lights turned off, left kids for 6 month at a time to be with boyfriends, didn’t make it to any sports games or big days for her kids, showed up at parent conferences drunk. I find it ironic she’s flying off the handle about table manners. I’m torn because obviously my husband wants her there but she’s so unpleasant in these situations. Alone with the kids she’s great and much better moods (she’s also sober and has been for a while) but she seems to have some social anxiety that makes her shut down and get rude or aggressive in situations you’re expected to be a certain way if that makes sense.

She's giving your kid bad memories and she's ruining celebratory events. She obviously doesn't enjoy them and makes sure no one else dies either. Don't invite her again.

[Anonymous]

No, would not invite her to events, just low key things at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard with my MIL and feel like I invite her to family things like the kids awards in school or games or birthday dinners but she always makes harsh and rude comments that ruins the vibe.

For instance we were out at my son’s birthday dinner and she flew off the handle going off on him for opening his mouth when he chewed (he’s 6) in a 5 minute rant yelling.

At my son’s kinder award ceremony he didn’t get a higher level award like leadership and swooned over other kids saying they got the best ones compared to my son and didn’t even say congrats or job well done on what was a big day for him.

When my husband and I brought her out for mother’s day to celebrate her, we had a little exchange of words (no bad words just obviously a small argument) and she flipped out saying good parents don’t argue in front of their kids and screamed at me.

These are just two recent things but there have been dozens over the years, always knocking how we raise our kids or their manners or what. We are human and obviously not perfect. What’s sort of infuriating about the whole thing for me is we are good parents that are very involved and put a lot of energy into raising our kids. By any objective measure she was a hot mess as a parent, severe severe addict in and out of jobs, divorced, went from rental to rental getting evicted and lights turned off, left kids for 6 month at a time to be with boyfriends, didn’t make it to any sports games or big days for her kids, showed up at parent conferences drunk. I find it ironic she’s flying off the handle about table manners. I’m torn because obviously my husband wants her there but she’s so unpleasant in these situations. Alone with the kids she’s great and much better moods (she’s also sober and has been for a while) but she seems to have some social anxiety that makes her shut down and get rude or aggressive in situations you’re expected to be a certain way if that makes sense.

She's giving your kid bad memories and she's ruining celebratory events. She obviously doesn't enjoy them and makes sure no one else dies either. Don't invite her again.

Me again. Take the " no one treats me or my kid like this" approach with DH. You're teaching your son this is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard with my MIL and feel like I invite her to family things like the kids awards in school or games or birthday dinners but she always makes harsh and rude comments that ruins the vibe.

For instance we were out at my son’s birthday dinner and she flew off the handle going off on him for opening his mouth when he chewed (he’s 6) in a 5 minute rant yelling.

At my son’s kinder award ceremony he didn’t get a higher level award like leadership and swooned over other kids saying they got the best ones compared to my son and didn’t even say congrats or job well done on what was a big day for him.

When my husband and I brought her out for mother’s day to celebrate her, we had a little exchange of words (no bad words just obviously a small argument) and she flipped out saying good parents don’t argue in front of their kids and screamed at me.

These are just two recent things but there have been dozens over the years, always knocking how we raise our kids or their manners or what. We are human and obviously not perfect. What’s sort of infuriating about the whole thing for me is we are good parents that are very involved and put a lot of energy into raising our kids. By any objective measure she was a hot mess as a parent, severe severe addict in and out of jobs, divorced, went from rental to rental getting evicted and lights turned off, left kids for 6 month at a time to be with boyfriends, didn’t make it to any sports games or big days for her kids, showed up at parent conferences drunk. I find it ironic she’s flying off the handle about table manners. I’m torn because obviously my husband wants her there but she’s so unpleasant in these situations. Alone with the kids she’s great and much better moods (she’s also sober and has been for a while) but she seems to have some social anxiety that makes her shut down and get rude or aggressive in situations you’re expected to be a certain way if that makes sense.

Guess the race, religion and political affiliation of this person with this info!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The hard thing is, my husband wants her there and also she really does have good intentions and in her head wants to be there but she just has some weird social issues where she doesn’t realize it’s worse to fly off the handle at a birthday celebration dinner you’re invited to join in than be 6 years old and not have the best table manners. She just had no social grace if that makes sense but may not realize it. I sometimes want to call her out on the spot, especially when it’s directed at me but my husband is always conflict adverse so he wouldn’t like this.

Then this is a husband problem, not a MIL problem.

+1. Sorry OP, your husband is enmeshed with his mother. You and kids take a backseat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard with my MIL and feel like I invite her to family things like the kids awards in school or games or birthday dinners but she always makes harsh and rude comments that ruins the vibe.

For instance we were out at my son’s birthday dinner and she flew off the handle going off on him for opening his mouth when he chewed (he’s 6) in a 5 minute rant yelling.

At my son’s kinder award ceremony he didn’t get a higher level award like leadership and swooned over other kids saying they got the best ones compared to my son and didn’t even say congrats or job well done on what was a big day for him.

When my husband and I brought her out for mother’s day to celebrate her, we had a little exchange of words (no bad words just obviously a small argument) and she flipped out saying good parents don’t argue in front of their kids and screamed at me.

These are just two recent things but there have been dozens over the years, always knocking how we raise our kids or their manners or what. We are human and obviously not perfect. What’s sort of infuriating about the whole thing for me is we are good parents that are very involved and put a lot of energy into raising our kids. By any objective measure she was a hot mess as a parent, severe severe addict in and out of jobs, divorced, went from rental to rental getting evicted and lights turned off, left kids for 6 month at a time to be with boyfriends, didn’t make it to any sports games or big days for her kids, showed up at parent conferences drunk. I find it ironic she’s flying off the handle about table manners. I’m torn because obviously my husband wants her there but she’s so unpleasant in these situations. Alone with the kids she’s great and much better moods (she’s also sober and has been for a while) but she seems to have some social anxiety that makes her shut down and get rude or aggressive in situations you’re expected to be a certain way if that makes sense.

No and I would tell her why.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband want to invite her?

Has your husband spoken to her about her behavior/reactions?

[Anonymous]

Is her behavior REALLY as you describe? Actually screaming in a restaurant for five minutes straight? "Flying off the handle at things"? Etc.? If you description is accurate, of course she shouldn't be invited to things, any things.

If, alternatively, there is a bit of hyperbole in your account, and instead she tends to make nasty comments to you and your child, and is generally judgmental, my first reaction would be to point it out to her every time and tell her it is unacceptable. Start there.

[Anonymous]

Don’t invite her to anything. If your husband wants her there he will invite her. If she acts out tell her to be pleasant or leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just invite her to low pressure afternoons at home - that’s where she shines as a grandma.

+1 No need for her to go to anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Old people have cranky moments, you have to learn to accept that especially with grandparents.

Nope. If you can't be kind to my kid you can stay home, grandma.