Would you include mother in law in holidays and life events if she was like this?

[Anonymous]

I try really hard with my MIL and feel like I invite her to family things like the kids awards in school or games or birthday dinners but she always makes harsh and rude comments that ruins the vibe.

For instance we were out at my son’s birthday dinner and she flew off the handle going off on him for opening his mouth when he chewed (he’s 6) in a 5 minute rant yelling.

At my son’s kinder award ceremony he didn’t get a higher level award like leadership and swooned over other kids saying they got the best ones compared to my son and didn’t even say congrats or job well done on what was a big day for him.

When my husband and I brought her out for mother’s day to celebrate her, we had a little exchange of words (no bad words just obviously a small argument) and she flipped out saying good parents don’t argue in front of their kids and screamed at me.

These are just two recent things but there have been dozens over the years, always knocking how we raise our kids or their manners or what. We are human and obviously not perfect. What’s sort of infuriating about the whole thing for me is we are good parents that are very involved and put a lot of energy into raising our kids. By any objective measure she was a hot mess as a parent, severe severe addict in and out of jobs, divorced, went from rental to rental getting evicted and lights turned off, left kids for 6 month at a time to be with boyfriends, didn’t make it to any sports games or big days for her kids, showed up at parent conferences drunk. I find it ironic she’s flying off the handle about table manners. I’m torn because obviously my husband wants her there but she’s so unpleasant in these situations. Alone with the kids she’s great and much better moods (she’s also sober and has been for a while) but she seems to have some social anxiety that makes her shut down and get rude or aggressive in situations you’re expected to be a certain way if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't

[Anonymous]

Just invite her to low pressure afternoons at home - that’s where she shines as a grandma.

[Anonymous]

Of course not.

This is like asking would you invite Jeffry Dalmer to a potluck.

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t need to come to any of that.

[Anonymous]

The hard thing is, my husband wants her there and also she really does have good intentions and in her head wants to be there but she just has some weird social issues where she doesn’t realize it’s worse to fly off the handle at a birthday celebration dinner you’re invited to join in than be 6 years old and not have the best table manners. She just had no social grace if that makes sense but may not realize it. I sometimes want to call her out on the spot, especially when it’s directed at me but my husband is always conflict adverse so he wouldn’t like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course not.

This is like asking would you invite Jeffry Dalmer to a potluck.

Yea. This is EXACTLY like that.

[Anonymous]

So for 5 minutes—300 seconds of time—you sat there and let her go off on your 6 year old at his birthday dinner???

Yes, please stop inviting her to events. Clearly neither you nor your husband have the backbone to protect your child in the moment.

[Anonymous]

It’s very difficult to imagine that you are describing her accurately. Literally screaming in a restaurant for 5 minutes? If so, then I’d not be happy she’s there but if your husband wants her and she’s his mother, I don’t think you have the right to exclude her. Just talk with your kid about how sometimes grandma is mean, I guess?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So for 5 minutes—300 seconds of time—you sat there and let her go off on your 6 year old at his birthday dinner???

Yes, please stop inviting her to events. Clearly neither you nor your husband have the backbone to protect your child in the moment.

IDK based on the other examples, but she may have misophonia and was having a "fight or flight" reaction to your DS' chewing - a common trigger.

OP, try to ignore PP's dig here. You clearly were in a difficult situation as both a DiL and as a mom.

If me, I'd discuss with DH and try to come to an agreement on how to handle if this were to arise again. FWIW, I would probably try to limit these public events to lessen the stress for your family. I can appreciate that DH is conflict adverse - understandable based on that he probably grew up in these circumstances - but he will need to take the lead at some point as this is his mother. If it were me, I'd try to be supportive of him while also gently reinforcing that he needs to be there in the moment for his son (perhaps a support he did not have when he was a child).

GL!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t invite her either and would not tell her when these events are happening. Imagine she throws one of her fits at a school event. That would be so embarrassing for your son. Also, if she starts yelling at your son, you need to protect him and tell her to leave immediately or you take your child and leave, regardless of what your DH does/doesn’t do. Your DH is a child of an addict, he has been groomed his whole life to accept these behaviors, doesn’t mean you have to accept it or allow it for your child. If she started criticizing my parenting, I would have no reservations to tell her she is last person to be passing judgment and tell her exactly why. You all need boundaries.

[Anonymous]

She’s right about not arguing in front of your kids. Maybe you should listen instead of attacking her.

[Anonymous]

Old people have cranky moments, you have to learn to accept that especially with grandparents.

[Anonymous]

I would not invite her to any event where she is likely to make my kid feel bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Old people have cranky moments, you have to learn to accept that especially with grandparents.

Or stop setting her up for failure. She is a good grandma in private, so stick to that. Set her up for success.