Questions to ask a divorce attorney

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prepare to go back to work. If you get spousal support, it will likely be temporary and you will both have a lower standard of living if you do not go back to work.

The norm is 50/50 custody and 50/50 of assets split during the marriage as well as debt.

Many men do nothing with kids until a divorce. Prepare for that.

You don't have a lot of assets. That means you do not have money to have a costly legal battle fighting for little money you have. Be practical about the financial aspect. There are formulas for child support. Ask the attorney what is reasonable to expect financially in your situation. That is the most important thing to ask.

Then what do they do? Suddenly have real conversations with the kids, read the school emails, teach and coach them? Or just Disney dad it and throw money.

Where they are helpless before...they suddenly start doing everything they were incapable of before. This has happened to me and 3 other friends. Literally did not one thing before...suddenly they

are capable. They choose not to be capable in marriage. They want 50/50 so they pay less or nothing...and suddenly they figure stuff out.

I have dated multiple divorced dads and this is so true. Whenever I see my married mom friends acting like their husbands are incompetent, I want to shake them and tell them, no, they’re perfectly competent, they’re just choosing not to be helpful so you’ll do everything

Yeah and? They should go fight the selfish losers to the mat and order them to grow up and be a real father and homeowner? That’ll do it?

No. It’s About power and misogyny. Divorce sounds better - in those cases- since you’re out of an unbalanced resentful marriage and the kids finally see dad being an adult and not so selfish. Win win win for everyone.

But in other cases “dad” continues to be incapable and incompetent. At most he will throw money at it, if he has the means.

[Anonymous]

I’ve also see the incompetent husband get divorced, have to “do some stuff” with the kids that the ex wife scheduled and arranged plus Disney dad time, then get repaired and check out again.

Basically if another adult is in the house, they check out and become super self absorbed. Or even if they know another adult will show up soon or after a biz trip. Do nothing.

Funniest thing is, if you date someone with grown kids, you might never know or care how greatly they failed at parenting or partnering. It’s the ultimate test of a person or mate.

[Anonymous]

* remarried (not repaired)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were smart you’d try to make it work and get a degree while you’re still financially able to. Moving out on your own with children and little education doesn’t sound like a move up in the world.

Unless her husband is helping pay for it, this isn't relevant. She already mentioned she was part of a government vocational training program because she has learning disabilities. Those programs pay for your education. I think a school teacher would be great for her if she's interested. She could work with special needs children. She needs to pass college-level math, and with learning disabilities, I'm not sure if that's possible.

[Anonymous]

Question for divorce lawyer: How much will my bill be?
I arranged a flat rate service in VA

We had prices in the event it had to go to court.

I negotiated it.

[Anonymous]

I heard cultural differences added to the mix
-that has a role ; it can grow over 20 yrs

[Anonymous]

You need to ask how likely it is that your husband could win primary custody. If he fights for it he could very well at least be the primary residence for the children.

If you're unable to support yourself financially and he's holding the bag, then things may not turn out in your favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prepare to go back to work. If you get spousal support, it will likely be temporary and you will both have a lower standard of living if you do not go back to work.

The norm is 50/50 custody and 50/50 of assets split during the marriage as well as debt.

Many men do nothing with kids until a divorce. Prepare for that.

You don't have a lot of assets. That means you do not have money to have a costly legal battle fighting for little money you have. Be practical about the financial aspect. There are formulas for child support. Ask the attorney what is reasonable to expect financially in your situation. That is the most important thing to ask.

Did you read her OP. She works a schedule where she doesn't need to pay for childcare. I doubt it makes sense to do FT daycare since her children are so young. Summer is here now, so the second child would need to be in daycare as well. It sounds like she's doing the best she can by working on the weekends. I wouldn't give that up. She has them during the week, and dad has them on weekends seems to be the best arrangement.

That is an arrangement she is not likely to get.

I went back to work after two years out so I could divorce. The spousal support was not enough to live on. I was married for 10 years. I had to go back to work or our quality of life would have declined precipitously. The norm is 50/50. It is very hard to get a different arrangement if the dad wants 50/50. She needs to do math before deciding to divorce. And she needs to plan to go back to work to earn money. Even if she gets spousal support it is likely not enough to live on and it is only a few years. I made six figures...I was out of the work force only two years; I had to take a 15% paycut to get back in. Fortunately, a few years later, I have more than my former salary. There is no way when I wanted to divorce when I was no working when my kids were 3 and 7 that we could have divorced and I could have lived off a few years of spousal support. It is not 20 years ago. It is not what you think.

The OP doesn't make six figures. Stop making this about you. She makes minimum wage. It won't pay for her to work. She has a young child with daycare expenses. Working a FT minimum wage job isn't going to do anything for their standard of living if it only pays for daycare.

If she's divorcing she WILL HAVE TO WORK. She won't be able to maintain her life and the life of her children on spousal/child support. No judge is going to allow her to only work PT at minimum wage and keep her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prepare to go back to work. If you get spousal support, it will likely be temporary and you will both have a lower standard of living if you do not go back to work.

The norm is 50/50 custody and 50/50 of assets split during the marriage as well as debt.

Many men do nothing with kids until a divorce. Prepare for that.

You don't have a lot of assets. That means you do not have money to have a costly legal battle fighting for little money you have. Be practical about the financial aspect. There are formulas for child support. Ask the attorney what is reasonable to expect financially in your situation. That is the most important thing to ask.

Did you read her OP. She works a schedule where she doesn't need to pay for childcare. I doubt it makes sense to do FT daycare since her children are so young. Summer is here now, so the second child would need to be in daycare as well. It sounds like she's doing the best she can by working on the weekends. I wouldn't give that up. She has them during the week, and dad has them on weekends seems to be the best arrangement.

That is an arrangement she is not likely to get.

I went back to work after two years out so I could divorce. The spousal support was not enough to live on. I was married for 10 years. I had to go back to work or our quality of life would have declined precipitously. The norm is 50/50. It is very hard to get a different arrangement if the dad wants 50/50. She needs to do math before deciding to divorce. And she needs to plan to go back to work to earn money. Even if she gets spousal support it is likely not enough to live on and it is only a few years. I made six figures...I was out of the work force only two years; I had to take a 15% paycut to get back in. Fortunately, a few years later, I have more than my former salary. There is no way when I wanted to divorce when I was no working when my kids were 3 and 7 that we could have divorced and I could have lived off a few years of spousal support. It is not 20 years ago. It is not what you think.

The OP doesn't make six figures. Stop making this about you. She makes minimum wage. It won't pay for her to work. She has a young child with daycare expenses. Working a FT minimum wage job isn't going to do anything for their standard of living if it only pays for daycare.

That isn’t how a judge will see this, especially if she has a degree

+1

You can tell on this thread who's divorced and BTDT and who's getting their ideas from TV about how women can rake in money and have their ex-husbands totally support them and the kids. That's not how it works at all in 2022.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prepare to go back to work. If you get spousal support, it will likely be temporary and you will both have a lower standard of living if you do not go back to work.

The norm is 50/50 custody and 50/50 of assets split during the marriage as well as debt.

Many men do nothing with kids until a divorce. Prepare for that.

You don't have a lot of assets. That means you do not have money to have a costly legal battle fighting for little money you have. Be practical about the financial aspect. There are formulas for child support. Ask the attorney what is reasonable to expect financially in your situation. That is the most important thing to ask.

Did you read her OP. She works a schedule where she doesn't need to pay for childcare. I doubt it makes sense to do FT daycare since her children are so young. Summer is here now, so the second child would need to be in daycare as well. It sounds like she's doing the best she can by working on the weekends. I wouldn't give that up. She has them during the week, and dad has them on weekends seems to be the best arrangement.

That is an arrangement she is not likely to get.

I went back to work after two years out so I could divorce. The spousal support was not enough to live on. I was married for 10 years. I had to go back to work or our quality of life would have declined precipitously. The norm is 50/50. It is very hard to get a different arrangement if the dad wants 50/50. She needs to do math before deciding to divorce. And she needs to plan to go back to work to earn money. Even if she gets spousal support it is likely not enough to live on and it is only a few years. I made six figures...I was out of the work force only two years; I had to take a 15% paycut to get back in. Fortunately, a few years later, I have more than my former salary. There is no way when I wanted to divorce when I was no working when my kids were 3 and 7 that we could have divorced and I could have lived off a few years of spousal support. It is not 20 years ago. It is not what you think.

You had earning potential. OP doesn't have that. This is one of the reasons alimony was created. Did OP say she ever had a high-paying career she could jump back into? She said they have a vast difference in education. Most likely, she has an HS degree, and her DH has a PhD. She can't just get a job like her husband because she wants one.

You clearly do not get it. Her husband will not be able to afford two households on one salary...unless they drastically reduce how they live...it is all math. This is why people stay married. A vast difference in education is irrelevant. I could have gotten $3000 in alimony when I was not working and my ex made $190k. I could not live off $3,000 a month. I had to go back to work to divorce.

OP here. I could live off 3k a month. Our rent is $1600 for a 2 bedroom apartment. I am not opposed to working full-time, but I don't make enough money for it to be worth it. I need to make more than childcare.

I doubt very seriously that a judge will give you custody/primary residency without at LEAST working a full-time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prepare to go back to work. If you get spousal support, it will likely be temporary and you will both have a lower standard of living if you do not go back to work.

The norm is 50/50 custody and 50/50 of assets split during the marriage as well as debt.

Many men do nothing with kids until a divorce. Prepare for that.

You don't have a lot of assets. That means you do not have money to have a costly legal battle fighting for little money you have. Be practical about the financial aspect. There are formulas for child support. Ask the attorney what is reasonable to expect financially in your situation. That is the most important thing to ask.

Did you read her OP. She works a schedule where she doesn't need to pay for childcare. I doubt it makes sense to do FT daycare since her children are so young. Summer is here now, so the second child would need to be in daycare as well. It sounds like she's doing the best she can by working on the weekends. I wouldn't give that up. She has them during the week, and dad has them on weekends seems to be the best arrangement.

That is an arrangement she is not likely to get.

I went back to work after two years out so I could divorce. The spousal support was not enough to live on. I was married for 10 years. I had to go back to work or our quality of life would have declined precipitously. The norm is 50/50. It is very hard to get a different arrangement if the dad wants 50/50. She needs to do math before deciding to divorce. And she needs to plan to go back to work to earn money. Even if she gets spousal support it is likely not enough to live on and it is only a few years. I made six figures...I was out of the work force only two years; I had to take a 15% paycut to get back in. Fortunately, a few years later, I have more than my former salary. There is no way when I wanted to divorce when I was no working when my kids were 3 and 7 that we could have divorced and I could have lived off a few years of spousal support. It is not 20 years ago. It is not what you think.

You had earning potential. OP doesn't have that. This is one of the reasons alimony was created. Did OP say she ever had a high-paying career she could jump back into? She said they have a vast difference in education. Most likely, she has an HS degree, and her DH has a PhD. She can't just get a job like her husband because she wants one.

You clearly do not get it. Her husband will not be able to afford two households on one salary...unless they drastically reduce how they live...it is all math. This is why people stay married. A vast difference in education is irrelevant. I could have gotten $3000 in alimony when I was not working and my ex made $190k. I could not live off $3,000 a month. I had to go back to work to divorce.

OP here. I could live off 3k a month. Our rent is $1600 for a 2 bedroom apartment. I am not opposed to working full-time, but I don't make enough money for it to be worth it. I need to make more than childcare.

You would not have that much forever—if you can even get that. You need to ask an attorney what is reasonable to expect and for how many years based on your numbers.

Who said she's trying to live off of it? Alimony can supplement her income until she gets training for a better paying job.

You’re not getting it again because you can’t read I already said she’s going to have to get a better job of course alimony is only temporary for her to get training to get a better job! The point is it’s temporary and she’s not going to be able to have her current position forever. The only thing that matters to find out is the numbers of what she can expect in child support and if she’s entitled to any spousal support and how much that could possibly be and for how long.

Stop making this about you, PP. Most people know it's temporary. I'm not sure why you keep pounding that idea. Eventually, she'll need a better job or a boyfriend or something. People get divorced all the time. The judge isn't like, nope, you guys can't afford it, so I can't allow it.

I am not making it about me. I am making it about numbers. Of course, she can get divorced. And live in poverty. She needs to do math.

+100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does your DH make? If you only have $80K in assets I'm going to assume he makes less than $100K. Remember that alimony is no longer tax deductible for the payor or taxable income for the recipient so if my guess is right the amount of alimony probably won't be very high.

140k and 160k with his bonus. This is net pay.

Good luck supporting two households on that.

OP works PT. He would need to supplement the difference. It is not the same as supporting two incomes. $1600 a month in rent is cheap.

+1 with her PT salary and his 160k, they can afford to pay $1600 in rent. Unless she's been living a luxury lifestyle which sounds like she's not they will be fine.

They will EACH have rent. They will EACH have household bills (cable, electric, gas, insurance, etc). We are not talking about $1600. Double that, plus double bills...then add childcare and minus that. Then minus groceries and a car payment. My guess there is zero left to save for retirement and no wiggle room for an emergency. If she is only working PT, she needs to plan now for a career that will earn money if/when spousal support runs out in a few years. Retraining takes more money and more time. These are all factors. She needs an attorney consult and then go from there.

She doesn't need childcare since she works on the weekends. How do you know there's a car payment? You live in a bubble. People of all incomes get divorced. If OP thinks it's right, she should do it.

Once she’s divorced she’s not going to be able to just work on weekends.

Why not? It estimates childcare expenses—plenty of people working none traditional schedules. No rule says divorced kids must go to daycare. You have no idea how low-income people stay afloat.

Again spell so support is temporary she will not be able to work on weekends forever she is going to feel the pain of having less money and she’s going to work more than just working on the weekends. Getting a divorce and expecting to work the exact same before when you’ve barely been working and the guy is struggling to have his house and her house or apartment or whatever is a rude awakening for a lot of people. Working on weekends part-time is not something she’s going to be able to do permanently eventually she’s going to need to actually work because she’s going to need the money.

Why do you keep repeating this? You realize it doesn't pay for her to work, right? When her child is older, she can figure something else out. 160k gross is at least 7k a month. They aren't poor. He is the one with anger issues. I'm sure she gave him a chance to resolve that, but he refused. He can deal with supporting two households for a while.

You're assuming a judge will grant this. Even attorneys don't make such assumptions because you don't know until the judge decides. Unless the husband agrees and they have a written agreement stating that he plans to support her household, it's up to the judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prepare to go back to work. If you get spousal support, it will likely be temporary and you will both have a lower standard of living if you do not go back to work.

The norm is 50/50 custody and 50/50 of assets split during the marriage as well as debt.

Many men do nothing with kids until a divorce. Prepare for that.

You don't have a lot of assets. That means you do not have money to have a costly legal battle fighting for little money you have. Be practical about the financial aspect. There are formulas for child support. Ask the attorney what is reasonable to expect financially in your situation. That is the most important thing to ask.

Then what do they do? Suddenly have real conversations with the kids, read the school emails, teach and coach them? Or just Disney dad it and throw money.

Where they are helpless before...they suddenly start doing everything they were incapable of before. This has happened to me and 3 other friends. Literally did not one thing before...suddenly they are capable. They choose not to be capable in marriage. They want 50/50 so they pay less or nothing...and suddenly they figure stuff out.

Men don't need to figure "stuff" out and were always capable in marriage. Once they get away from their insufferable wife they can catch their breath and parent without bickering and negotiating over every detail of how to raise a child.