Questions to ask a divorce attorney

[Anonymous]

I have my first meeting with a family friend. I'm not sure if I will go through with divorce right now, but I think an appointment with one will give me the knowledge I need to pull the trigger. I am primarily a stay-at-home mom. I work PT on the weekend. The pay is low, but it's better than nothing. Working also gives me independence from DH. We've been married for ten years. I supported him while he pursued a Ph.D. I had to travel around a lot for his work. We have a big difference in education and earnings. DH has significant anger management issues. We've tried therapy. There are cultural differences as well. I'm looking for advice on anything I may want to ask the attorney. We have two children aged two and five. There's too much anger in the house, and I know it's unhealthy to live like this. I don't want the dysfunction to go on forever.

[Anonymous]

I'd ask about the divorce process, range for the split of assets, likely custody outcomes and whether alimony is likely and a range for the amount. That's basically all that matters.

To make your meeting productive focus on the relevant facts and don't use your lawyer as your therapist. Prepare going in by knowing your total assets and where they are (i.e. taxable accounts or retirement accounts).

[Anonymous]

^one edit I suppose you could also ask about child support. It's pretty easy to figure out in your own but in case you can't you could ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd ask about the divorce process, range for the split of assets, likely custody outcomes and whether alimony is likely and a range for the amount. That's basically all that matters.

To make your meeting productive focus on the relevant facts and don't use your lawyer as your therapist. Prepare to go in by knowing your total assets and where they are (i.e., taxable accounts or retirement accounts).

OP here. Thanks. We don't have a lot of assets. 80k in mutual funds. 12k of student debt. We don't own property. We started retirement accounts only a few years back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd ask about the divorce process, range for the split of assets, likely custody outcomes and whether alimony is likely and a range for the amount. That's basically all that matters.

To make your meeting productive focus on the relevant facts and don't use your lawyer as your therapist. Prepare to go in by knowing your total assets and where they are (i.e., taxable accounts or retirement accounts).

OP here. Thanks. We don't have a lot of assets. 80k in mutual funds. 12k of student debt. We don't own property. We started retirement accounts only a few years back.

Sounds like asset distribution will be relatively simple them. Hopefully you guys can be reasonable about custody so you don't deplete all your assets in the divorce on legal fees.

[Anonymous]

Go in with the date you got married, your age, DH's age, kids DOB, and how many hrs a week you earn at what salary, and having all your debts and assets written out.

Debt:
$6k on 2016 Honda
$12k for H's student loans from Emory
$2600 on Visa cc

Assets:
$80k in retirement account through Vanguard (acct #______________)
$18k in savings acct at Wells Fargo (acct #____________)
Wedding and engagement ring appraised at $3200

Bring any police reports. Bring name of therapist and range of dates you went. "Marriage counselor Sherry Cuckles - October 2021 through March 2022".

Bring a list of household expenses. Rent, utilities, groceries and toiletries, clothing, haircuts, daycare, school, health insurance, rent insurance, car payments, cc payments, soccer fees, camp, travel to see family in England 1x a yr, gifts for family, misc. This is very important because it tells the attorney what they'd need to ask for on your behalf for spousal support.

This will give the divorce attorney a VERY clear picture of your marriage. Ask if they've dealt with cases like yours (if the answer isn't yes I'd be shocked). Ask if they can get the judge to order DH to do anger management and parenting classes before he has unsupervised visitation with the kids. Ask about spousal support (as it seems you can't support yourself on your part time job).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go in with the date you got married, your age, DH's age, kids DOB, and how many hrs a week you earn at what salary, and having all your debts and assets written out.

Debt:
$6k on 2016 Honda
$12k for H's student loans from Emory
$2600 on Visa cc

Assets:
$80k in retirement account through Vanguard (acct #______________)
$18k in savings acct at Wells Fargo (acct #____________)
Wedding and engagement ring appraised at $3200

Bring any police reports. Bring name of therapist and range of dates you went. "Marriage counselor Sherry Cuckles - October 2021 through March 2022".

Bring a list of household expenses. Rent, utilities, groceries and toiletries, clothing, haircuts, daycare, school, health insurance, rent insurance, car payments, cc payments, soccer fees, camp, travel to see family in England 1x a yr, gifts for family, misc. This is very important because it tells the attorney what they'd need to ask for on your behalf for spousal support.

This will give the divorce attorney a VERY clear picture of your marriage. Ask if they've dealt with cases like yours (if the answer isn't yes I'd be shocked). Ask if they can get the judge to order DH to do anger management and parenting classes before he has unsupervised visitation with the kids. Ask about spousal support (as it seems you can't support yourself on your part time job).

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Ask them for a mediator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go in with the date you got married, your age, DH's age, kids DOB, and how many hrs a week you earn at what salary, and having all your debts and assets written out.

Debt:
$6k on 2016 Honda
$12k for H's student loans from Emory
$2600 on Visa cc

Assets:
$80k in retirement account through Vanguard (acct #______________)
$18k in savings acct at Wells Fargo (acct #____________)
Wedding and engagement ring appraised at $3200

Bring any police reports. Bring name of therapist and range of dates you went. "Marriage counselor Sherry Cuckles - October 2021 through March 2022".

Bring a list of household expenses. Rent, utilities, groceries and toiletries, clothing, haircuts, daycare, school, health insurance, rent insurance, car payments, cc payments, soccer fees, camp, travel to see family in England 1x a yr, gifts for family, misc. This is very important because it tells the attorney what they'd need to ask for on your behalf for spousal support.

This will give the divorce attorney a VERY clear picture of your marriage. Ask if they've dealt with cases like yours (if the answer isn't yes I'd be shocked). Ask if they can get the judge to order DH to do anger management and parenting classes before he has unsupervised visitation with the kids. Ask about spousal support (as it seems you can't support yourself on your part time job).

very unlikely to be spousal support in this situation. you can expect to split assets 50/50 and debt 50/50 that accrued during the marriage. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Prepare to go back to work. If you get spousal support, it will likely be temporary and you will both have a lower standard of living if you do not go back to work.

The norm is 50/50 custody and 50/50 of assets split during the marriage as well as debt.

Many men do nothing with kids until a divorce. Prepare for that.

You don't have a lot of assets. That means you do not have money to have a costly legal battle fighting for little money you have. Be practical about the financial aspect. There are formulas for child support. Ask the attorney what is reasonable to expect financially in your situation. That is the most important thing to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go in with the date you got married, your age, DH's age, kids DOB, and how many hrs a week you earn at what salary, and having all your debts and assets written out.

Debt:
$6k on 2016 Honda
$12k for H's student loans from Emory
$2600 on Visa cc

Assets:
$80k in retirement account through Vanguard (acct #______________)
$18k in savings acct at Wells Fargo (acct #____________)
Wedding and engagement ring appraised at $3200

Bring any police reports. Bring name of therapist and range of dates you went. "Marriage counselor Sherry Cuckles - October 2021 through March 2022".

Bring a list of household expenses. Rent, utilities, groceries and toiletries, clothing, haircuts, daycare, school, health insurance, rent insurance, car payments, cc payments, soccer fees, camp, travel to see family in England 1x a yr, gifts for family, misc. This is very important because it tells the attorney what they'd need to ask for on your behalf for spousal support.

This will give the divorce attorney a VERY clear picture of your marriage. Ask if they've dealt with cases like yours (if the answer isn't yes I'd be shocked). Ask if they can get the judge to order DH to do anger management and parenting classes before he has unsupervised visitation with the kids. Ask about spousal support (as it seems you can't support yourself on your part time job).

very unlikely to be spousal support in this situation. you can expect to split assets 50/50 and debt 50/50 that accrued during the marriage. That's it.

If she's been a stay-at-home mom for ten years, I disagree, especially since she's working retail. HS education vs. a Ph.D. is a huge difference in earnings. I doubt that she could cover daycare for a two year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prepare to go back to work. If you get spousal support, it will likely be temporary and you will both have a lower standard of living if you do not go back to work.

The norm is 50/50 custody and 50/50 of assets split during the marriage as well as debt.

Many men do nothing with kids until a divorce. Prepare for that.

You don't have a lot of assets. That means you do not have money to have a costly legal battle fighting for little money you have. Be practical about the financial aspect. There are formulas for child support. Ask the attorney what is reasonable to expect financially in your situation. That is the most important thing to ask.

Did you read her OP. She works a schedule where she doesn't need to pay for childcare. I doubt it makes sense to do FT daycare since her children are so young. Summer is here now, so the second child would need to be in daycare as well. It sounds like she's doing the best she can by working on the weekends. I wouldn't give that up. She has them during the week, and dad has them on weekends seems to be the best arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prepare to go back to work. If you get spousal support, it will likely be temporary and you will both have a lower standard of living if you do not go back to work.

The norm is 50/50 custody and 50/50 of assets split during the marriage as well as debt.

Many men do nothing with kids until a divorce. Prepare for that.

You don't have a lot of assets. That means you do not have money to have a costly legal battle fighting for little money you have. Be practical about the financial aspect. There are formulas for child support. Ask the attorney what is reasonable to expect financially in your situation. That is the most important thing to ask.

Did you read her OP. She works a schedule where she doesn't need to pay for childcare. I doubt it makes sense to do FT daycare since her children are so young. Summer is here now, so the second child would need to be in daycare as well. It sounds like she's doing the best she can by working on the weekends. I wouldn't give that up. She has them during the week, and dad has them on weekends seems to be the best arrangement.

That is an arrangement she is not likely to get.

I went back to work after two years out so I could divorce. The spousal support was not enough to live on. I was married for 10 years. I had to go back to work or our quality of life would have declined precipitously. The norm is 50/50. It is very hard to get a different arrangement if the dad wants 50/50. She needs to do math before deciding to divorce. And she needs to plan to go back to work to earn money. Even if she gets spousal support it is likely not enough to live on and it is only a few years. I made six figures...I was out of the work force only two years; I had to take a 15% paycut to get back in. Fortunately, a few years later, I have more than my former salary. There is no way when I wanted to divorce when I was no working when my kids were 3 and 7 that we could have divorced and I could have lived off a few years of spousal support. It is not 20 years ago. It is not what you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prepare to go back to work. If you get spousal support, it will likely be temporary and you will both have a lower standard of living if you do not go back to work.

The norm is 50/50 custody and 50/50 of assets split during the marriage as well as debt.

Many men do nothing with kids until a divorce. Prepare for that.

You don't have a lot of assets. That means you do not have money to have a costly legal battle fighting for little money you have. Be practical about the financial aspect. There are formulas for child support. Ask the attorney what is reasonable to expect financially in your situation. That is the most important thing to ask.

Then what do they do? Suddenly have real conversations with the kids, read the school emails, teach and coach them? Or just Disney dad it and throw money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prepare to go back to work. If you get spousal support, it will likely be temporary and you will both have a lower standard of living if you do not go back to work.

The norm is 50/50 custody and 50/50 of assets split during the marriage as well as debt.

Many men do nothing with kids until a divorce. Prepare for that.

You don't have a lot of assets. That means you do not have money to have a costly legal battle fighting for little money you have. Be practical about the financial aspect. There are formulas for child support. Ask the attorney what is reasonable to expect financially in your situation. That is the most important thing to ask.

Then what do they do? Suddenly have real conversations with the kids, read the school emails, teach and coach them? Or just Disney dad it and throw money.

Where they are helpless before...they suddenly start doing everything they were incapable of before. This has happened to me and 3 other friends. Literally did not one thing before...suddenly they are capable. They choose not to be capable in marriage. They want 50/50 so they pay less or nothing...and suddenly they figure stuff out.