Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is insistent that we stay with parents and says he doesn't care about their accommodations. He cannot afford to shell out for a hotel for 2 weeks and if I feel like it would be an imposition for him to stay with them at their situation then I should go by myself.



I don't know what to do.

Wow. Your husband is a bag of garbage. Why did you marry him?

[Anonymous]

So you feel safe in your relationship, OP? It does not sound alike you have anything close to equal footing. I’d be way more embarrassed at your domineering tightwad of a husband than of your parents with limited means.

I’m honestly worried about you, OP. You deserve better than this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You haven't said much about your dad OP.

I think your husband is being unfairly judged.

Maybe something is being lost in translation, but it sounds like you are more embarrassed by your parent's home than he is.

Allow your husband wants to spend quality time getting to know your family and is insisting because he wants to truly immerse himself in your culture.

I think you are more concerned about money than he is.

Go, don't worry so much. I would book a small trip at the end of your stay (hike to remote space , etc) and definitely buy all the groceries.

This is terrible advice... it's like you haven't been listening to the OP at all??

Where in the below post does it sound like her husband wants to spend quality time with her family??

He told her in no uncertain words "We can't afford to stay at a hotel, so we're staying with your parents, or you can go by yourself".

Tell me, where exactly in the below quote did you ascertain your incorrect opinion??

OP here. Husband is insistent that we stay with parents and says he doesn't care about their accommodations. He cannot afford to shell out for a hotel for 2 weeks and if I feel like it would be an imposition for him to stay with them at their situation then I should go by myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prep him in advance what to expect. If he is the good person you think he is, he will not care. He will likely worry about making a good impression on your parents!

This and stay in a hotel. Your parents seem like lovely people.

OP here. I keep asking him to stay at a hotel but he is insistent that we stay with my parents to save money. I think since this is the first time everyone will be meeting, us staying at a hotel would be ideal as we can manage how to have contact or when to see each other vs having some privacy. And it would lessen the stress on my parents to host us. They technically do have a guest room but I worry for them trying to buy food and feed us for 2 weeks!

Huge huge red flag your husband doesn’t listen to your wishes and is most likely greedy! Run while you can

[Anonymous]

see if you can find an short term apartment to rent nearby-might be cheaper than hotel-to appease your husband and you can always bring some groceries and take them out to dinner so they don't feel they have to cook for you. My situation is the same and while we stay at my parents when we visit but we do that in little stretches as we travel around to visit other places and people. But for a longer visit I would be looking for Airbnb or hotel. I used to go to grocery store and buy things I missed and that was a good excuse to bring groceries over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is insistent that we stay with parents and says he doesn't care about their accommodations. He cannot afford to shell out for a hotel for 2 weeks and if I feel like it would be an imposition for him to stay with them at their situation then I should go by myself.



I don't know what to do.

Wow. Your husband is a bag of garbage. Why did you marry him?

Yeah, your husband isn't sounding so great. Ultimatums are never good in relationships. Issue 1 is why plan a trip if you can't afford a place to stay. Issue 2 is is the way your husband seems to be dominating the decisions.
Do you both not work? So it isn't just your husband's money, right? Are there youth hostels you can stay at?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is insistent that we stay with parents and says he doesn't care about their accommodations. He cannot afford to shell out for a hotel for 2 weeks and if I feel like it would be an imposition for him to stay with them at their situation then I should go by myself.



I don't know what to do.

It's actually quite simple. If you guys can't afford a hotel or airb&b for 2 weeks, then you cut the length of your stay. Otherwise your parents would stress themselves beyond belief.

I'm beginning to think that your DH is willfully obtuse. He's not hearing what your concerns are, that no matter what he thinks, it's a huge imposition on your parents. Instead he's presenting these stark "either or" choices. I'd be embarrassed about being married to a dolt than having poor parents.

+1

You need to explain the situation to your husband now. And work together to find a solution. Everything you are saying about you and him (your parents sound perfect) sound like red flags. Your husband is being rude and entitled about your parents insisting they host you. And then saying he won’t go visit. Has he even met your parents? Either way they are his family now too. You are embarrassed about s fact of life and can’t communicate the truth to your dh that your parents are poor and can’t afford this setup. You have just committed to spend your lives with each other, how are you embarrassed like this is a new boyfriend or you are in 11th grade?

I don’t usually say this but it seems like your parents’ poverty is the least of your problems. Please do not have kids and consider growing up and possibly divorcing and starting over in a few years if perhaps you both are just too you for adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you feel safe in your relationship, OP? It does not sound alike you have anything close to equal footing. I’d be way more embarrassed at your domineering tightwad of a husband than of your parents with limited means.

I’m honestly worried about you, OP. You deserve better than this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think any of us can effectively advise OP. There seems to be a lot of things in play and I can’t get a sense of what’s actually going on in their marriage.

Exactly.
Although the OP seems to be very sweet, doting and considerate -- I also see her being very enamored with the fact that her husband is an American, and don't foresee her ever considering leaving him due to the (supposed) shame & guilt it would cause her and her parents.
So let's be realistic guys, she's certainly not leaving him because of this, so the suggestions fir her to do so are really unhelpful.

As a foreigner myself, I completely understand the way that she feels... like she's torn between two worlds, and I totally empathize & relate to her.

OP, I echo what others have told you in their previous posts; either:

Option #1
Go for a shorter amount of time -- 2 weeks is far, far, FAR too long to stay with your parents, who are already struggling financially. Not to mention how taxing it will be -- 2 weeks is going to take such a toll on them, they'll need a vacation AFTER your vacation.
Trust me, there will be lasting residual affects from your visit for weeks or even months after you've left to go home (ie; if they're on a tight budget, they'll have to make up that money somewhere from hosting you and have it by months end, also the exhaustion they'll have to contend with, the sheer exhaustion on them will be no joke (the physical, mental & emotional exhaustion) their anxiety as they want to always say the right thing and do the right thing to impress their American SIL, etc).

I'm not sure if they pay their own electricity, water, gas, oil bills, or if it's included in their rent; but if they have to pay these bills on their own, they are surely going to increase hosting 2 full grown adults for a half a month. Their power bill will go up if they have air conditioning, or if they have their own washer & dryer in their unit, not to mention their water bill double even triple the next month with 2 more adults taking daily showers, doing laundry again if applicable, etc.

This isn't JUST about money for groceries OP, your staying with them for 2 weeks will reverberate in ways that you've never even considered.

Option #2
Stay with your parents for 2-3 days, take your husband to a tourist destination that he's wanted to see for 2-3 days (you can stay in a hostel for cheap if your husband is so concerned about money.
I always loved staying in hostels & meeting people from different backgrounds & learning about different cultures -- it was one of THE best parts of traveling abroad for me.
You can then go back to your parents home for 3-4 days.

Would your husband consider staying in a hostel for 3-5 days?

In my opinion, option #2 is the ONLY way that everyone walks away from this little meet & greet adventure with warm, fuzzy & positive feelings that you'll all be able to look back on fondly & sentimentally.

Look... the ONLY one who benefits from option #1 is your husband (who quite frankly is acting a bit like a freeloading moocher). You certainly won't have 100% positive feelings & memories; as you'll be juggling too many balls to be able to enjoy it all.

The only thing YOU will have 100% of is STRESS.
You're going to feel so much pressure to make sure that everything is perfect at all times -- you'll want to ensure that everyone is feeling good, relaxed, happy, etc. You'll want to make sure that both your parents AND your husband are saying & doing the right things at all times, in the hopes of impressing each other, you'll be trying to control everything (when most things will be out of your control) & you'll do everything in your power to keep it all together, etc.

Does that sound like a vacation for you??? I'd say not.

Option #3
I don't believe anyone has mentioned this yet, but what about staying with some other relatives or maybe childhood friends that you grew up with and are still close to for a night or two each?
That would really break up the trip nicely and you'd get to see many people that you haven't seen since last you were home. Also stay a few nights at a hostel in between.

Apologies for the long post everyone... as a fellow immigrant, my heart goes out to her, as I know exactly what she'll be facing.

Good luck, OP. ❤

Option 3!
Option 3!
Option 3!

Option 3 not only sounds like the most logical, fruitful & advantageous way, but it also sounds like the least stressful, and the one that would ensure the most fun!
Youd better catch up with old friends & extended family while you're in town, or you'll never hear the end of it!
You simply cannot spend the whole time with just your parents, right?
Two weeks for the 2 of them to keep you entertained, is far, far, far too much pressure to put on your poor parents. It will give them a nervous breakdown (they'll develop facial twitches by the time you leave!).

All jokes aside, it will also take them many months to recover financially, especially if they're on a fixed income or strict budget, as they'll have to find a way to recoup that money, which isn't exactly easy on a fixed income (many seniors donate plasma for money, because of situations like this & it's so incredibly sad!).

Look, if stick in the mud hubby doesn't want to go, I'm game!
I promise I'm a lot more fun than him anyway & I'll even pay my own way, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is insistent that we stay with parents and says he doesn't care about their accommodations. He cannot afford to shell out for a hotel for 2 weeks and if I feel like it would be an imposition for him to stay with them at their situation then I should go by myself.



I don't know what to do.

Wow. Your husband is a bag of garbage. Why did you marry him?

I think people are being unfair to the husband. Most spouses are not willing to use 2 weeks of vacation time to visit in-laws. So the husband likely does not want to both use his vacation time and spend a lot on a hotel, especially if the main point is visiting the OP’s parents, OP, either go be yourself, compromise on the amount of time you stay, or compromise on a stay at the hotel for some part of the trip.

[Anonymous]

Tell him if you guys stay with your parents, you won't be able to have s*x, so it's best to stay in the hotel. And you can take your parents out and have them show you guys their favorite places, or aunties home.

[Anonymous]

Poor does not mean bad values. Don't let yourself feel little. Don't let your parents influenced you too much. You are an adult now, married and have your own mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prep him in advance what to expect. If he is the good person you think he is, he will not care. He will likely worry about making a good impression on your parents!

This and stay in a hotel. Your parents seem like lovely people.

OP here. I keep asking him to stay at a hotel but he is insistent that we stay with my parents to save money. I think since this is the first time everyone will be meeting, us staying at a hotel would be ideal as we can manage how to have contact or when to see each other vs having some privacy. And it would lessen the stress on my parents to host us. They technically do have a guest room but I worry for them trying to buy food and feed us for 2 weeks!

Your family, and your country, so you get to set the parameters. I'd lead with a statement that you don't want your parents feeding you for 2 weeks and that a hotel is more appropriate. He should defer to you in this case.

+1

Your husband doesn’t get it so you will have to spell it out for him.